asibelieveinmagic-blog - Tumblr blog

[asibelieveinmagic-blog]

Moment

My mom tends to make comments like "oh, we're such a perfect family, aren't we?", or "we get along so well, many families could only dream of such connection, am I right?", or "we are such modern parents, not many like these nowadays, you daughters are really lucky, agreed?". And I don't agree, and you're not right, and we aren't a perfect family. But how am I supposed to tell you that, mom? You ask those questions, but only expecting to hear "yes", because a "no" would break your heart. You shouldn't ask questions to which you don't really want to hear an answer to. And trust me, you don't.

You don't want me to preach to you about how dad almost left, how I found him sexting some girl half his age, how he's lost any interest in us at some time. And all the times you would start crying to win an argument with him. So pathetic. That's all I could always say about that. You act like a wounded victim, while the fault is also on your side.

You don't want me to spill on you how I seeked your help in difficult times and you turned your back on me saying"it's just hormones. From then on I knew not to trust ever again. And I didn't. I cut you out of my life, so that you only think you know something. But what you don't know is that I'm seeing a psychiatrist and I'm mentally ill. You made up so many scenarios about what am I doing. Thought I'm pregnant, that I'm a garulous person, drinking, clubbing and meeting new guys all the time. That every boy I go out with is my boyfriend, but you couldn't understand that I can have friends, who aren't girls. Then you created in your brain that I'm a lesbian, and my best friend is, in fact, my girlfriend. Let me break it to you mom: I've never been to a club, I've never made sex, I'm straight, didn't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend ever. And you wonder why don't I tell you things. The problem is, there's nothing to be told! But you with your stories about my life that never took place make me see what you don't want me to be. And so when it happens I will keep it from you for real. Because I don't trust you mom. Because I never felt insecure with my body, but you were the one, the only person in the world, telling me I'm fat every day. Is that it? Is that the perfect family you were talking about? That getting along, which is actually based on not talking at all? The modern parenting in which you'd ask me where am I going, with whom, what will I be doing, when will I be back, and to call you every time I switch my position and when I'm going back, and you'd pick me up and make me tell you everything about the meeting?? That's your modern parenting?!

I love you mom, but we are far from perfect. I would say, further from perfect than most families I know. Because we don't have contact. We don't talk. It's all because all your daughters don't trust you. You never thought us to tell you things. You were always paranoid more then you were a friend. And a parent should be a friend. You made me feel like everything I do is a mistake. My entire life you were getting me down, crushing my ideas. I felt stupid. Every time I would beat myself up, thinking "stupid Jenny. I was so stupid to have done that". And you should be the one to build me up. I only ever wanted to draw, you wanted me to sing. I wanted to work, you send me to the University. How is that anything but disfuncional?

How is it perfect, mom?

[asibelieveinmagic-blog]

Looking at the the stars

"Why are you smiling?" asked Kieran, lying alongside his girlfriend on the grass, both pairs of eyes focused on the night sky.

"4 reasons" she replied shortly, still that wide smile beaming on her face. Kieran didn't say anything waiting for her to continue.

Jenny was a peculiar child, and she is still peculiar now. Though she tries remembering that when people who care for your opinion ask questions, they usually expect more complex answers. So she sighed and continued "One, I always wanted to go camping and look at the stars. I know it may seem simple and even pathetic. Such a stupid wish to make. Like watching the sunset on a beach. But I just always wanted to experience that. And I finally am. So I'm happy." Kieran switched his arms' position from behind his neck to on his stomach. Movement signifying that he's listening and ready to hear more.

"Two, I realized the stars are eternal. We look at something that will hardly ever die, at least, surely, we will not be here to witness it. The stars were here long before us and they will be here long after we die. Those gigantic spheres of hydrogen and helium, pure fire, bigger then we will ever be. They don't even know we exist. They don't even know we are looking up to them, admiring them. They don't even care. They're pure fire, and yet they are so cold. Indifferent. Generations before us were gazing at the stars, and generations after us will too. But the Stars will never know. They will never understand how we look at these small shining points at the sky and consider them beautiful. For us they're just little sparkles, but what they really are is balls of fire! Millions of light-years away from us. How could they care? How would they know? All these people who raised their head to the night sky, and the Stars don't even know we die. And that also makes me realize how people haven't been on the earth for so long, but we managed to destroy our planet in such a short time. Kill the nature, kill each other. And the stars were there that entire time. Throughout every single age of our history. They are Endless, and we end all the time. The Stars meaning so much to us, while we mean nothing to them. While we pass by this life on and on in the never-ending cycle, the Stars were still and, whatsoever, colder than ice." Jenny's voice cracked at some words. She wiped her cheek of two teardrops that fell from her eyes. "But then I realized we are still so stupid. We still gaze at the stars which care nothing about us. I still do. I lay here on the grass, just looking at them and thinking, like so many before me, that they're beautiful. And that makes me smile. That simple human stupidity."

"And three? What's the third one?" asked Kieran trying to distract his girlfriend from the philosophical aura that has surrounded her, knowing it never ends well.

"Three, when you look at the stars long enough, you realize the sky doesn't seem flat at all! It seems more like a hemisphere, a dome surrounding everything above you. And I'm not saying the Earth is flat or anything. I know it's the way the atmosphere refracts the light. Still it won't stop to amaze me." so Jenny smiled a big smile of bewilderment this time. "And four" she went on "I'm happy to be here with you. Truly, I can't imagine being here with anyone else right now. You make me feel very comfortable, and as much as I do have friends, I wouldn't like to talk to them right now, and spend that experience with them. So thank you, that I could be here with you today." She smiled again with those final words.

Kieran switched his position again now propping his head on his arm. He leaned to kiss Jennifer, his hand following the flock of her hair down her cheekbone. "I love you, Jenny. My weirdest weirdo."

"I love you too, Ki" said Jenny - smiling.

[asibelieveinmagic-blog]

Ayayay uncomfortable

I was never comfortable with my parents. Or more like very uncomfortable. Very very. I could never trust them or tell them a thing. My mom would always create some abstract versions of stories that happened in my life, which never took place. Of course, it's not like I could talk her out of the conclusions she was getting. That would always sound like a lie told by a teenager. According to her stories I lost my virginity at the age of 16, had many drunk episodes and was close to pregnancy by numerous sexual encounters. No, no and no. Mom, I'm really not as reckless as you think. And I do realize it's how most teens live nowadays, but it was never me. Actually all due to my super judging, super controlling parents. That's why I wanted to move out as soon as I could. To not be so controlled. To be able to live my life without being judged. Because they wouldn't ever approve of anything I do. So I did lie. But not out of any reasons she considered.

I'd much rather be an orthodox Christian. They wouldn't suspect me of all those "wicked" activities then. But I always said I'm an atheist. The first one to state that in my family of believers. Also the first one to get tattoos. But that doesn't mean I'm a party soul. I hated how they always considered me to be one. I hated that. I still hate that. Any possibility of them having something more to criticize me for. Because that would always make me really anxious and uncomfortable.

Yet there I was, at the age of 21, lying still and more than ever. Because I wasn't a teen anymore. Because I actually realized I don't wanna be an abstinent and a non-Christian orthodox Christian. I realized I want my freedom and my comfort and my right to live that human life. "I'm going out" - "Where to?" - "Sophie's for a sleepover" while in fact it was a night I've spent at Peter's. But I would never tell her. Even though I'm an adult. Even though I'm human. Even though I can have a life and not feel ashamed of it. "Where are you going?" - "Film night at Barbara's" oh, I ment drinking till I vomit.

She would've never accepted the truth I had to offer. She would always give me lessons for it and judge me so hard I'd want to cry. So I lied. Until, at the age of 22, I moved out and didn't have to anymore. I just stopped taking at all. Got drunk every night. Slept in different beds. "How was your week?" - "Oh... Just working all days long. Really boring". Liar. And I don't take responsibility for these lies. They're not my fault. I do feel like I was forced to lie, because the consequences of telling the truth would be catastrophic for me.

Half a year ago I was diagnosed with borderline and schizotypal personality disorders. That means, inter alia, I'm unnaturally prone to criticism, suspicious and afraid of embarrassment or lack of acceptance. So I guess it's not entirely my parents' fault. But that doesn't change the fact that they're control freaks. That they've taken the fun away from my youth. Didn't let me grow. Held me in that fucking protective shell they thought is better. And, as my teacher has once said: the more a child is protected, the more it yearns to break free.

Today I met my parents for the first time in 3 months. I told them I'm smoking cigarettes. They never accepted of cigarettes (what news...) It was super stressful to get this out. Took me hours to say something. I wonder how do people do that. Smoke and drink and date without their parents being bothered. It must be amazing. Something comfortable. Not to apologize for being human.

"Is there a map for every trail

Would that keep you from your worry

Maybe it's just in our blood to try, and fail

Sister let yourself be sorry"

[asibelieveinmagic-blog]

A magic word, they say

I'm not the kind of person to admit her fault. Nope. Instead I come up with explanations far from the truth and at least ten excuses. In majority of situations I turn it all in my favour, ending up with the other person feeling guilty for something I was, actually, responsible for. It applies to anything, really. Usually it's misunderstandings, developing from millions of ideas I get per minute and thousands of lies I tell. I share those ideas very impetuosity, what makes people think I change my mind constantly - which I do, in fact, but I'll always deny it. I guess I like thinking out loud. Fantasising about my future choices not just in my head, but also to people. And that creates many intricacies. Some people heard one version of the story, while some heard other. All of them were just ideas, but to not make myself look like a liar, who tells one thing to someone and other thing to someone else, I create a universal story which contains all of the factors I mentioned to any possible person, and combine them into one perfect totality. So we have how lies begin. To not look like a liar - I become a liar. Wonderful and cunning game plan which makes no sense at all.

It got under my skin so much, that I can't go through a day without explaining any single thing I do with lies. Like today, when my roommate messaged me "Why didn't you take out the rubbish? Was it really this hard for you?" - instantly I got so many scenarios going on in a my head, explaining why did it absolutely slip my mind to take the rubbish out. One of them even included a story about my biological mother coming back to the city claiming custody to me. A fake story. Because I am not adopted and my biological mother is my actual mother. Can you believe that?? My brain is, frankly, out of control right now. Because the reason why I didn't take out the rubbish is simple: I FORGOT. It suddenly struck me how stupid I am, so I texted him saying "I'm sorry, I didn't think of it. I really am sorry". Funny. It's so simple to just apologize and get it done with once and for all. No abstract stories, witch will follow me for the rest of my life, as people shall repeat them over and over - but the truth. Three simple words. "I am sorry".

I think I should ask myself that question way more often. Was it that hard?? Was it that hard to just admit I did something wrong and apologize for it? No? No. Exactly.

[asibelieveinmagic-blog]

Peoples are out of control these days. I'm serious. Like, go get some life! - Me? Oh, you mean, me?!? You'll do fine without me. Why would you fall for me...

Every good love story starts with "there is this one guy...", so let that be how this one went.

There's this one guy, with whom I was working in the same building for a year, until we ended up working together. I didn't know him before, just a name. I did think he was cute, though, especially that I have a thing for blondes. It's been two months since we became colleagues and we're totally mean towards each other. In a good way. Teasing each other, calling each other names and being rude because it's funny. One day he even said "You know, El? You're an asshole. An asshole with a great sense of humour and some healthy distance. I really like that about you." - it's the kind of complement I truly appreciate, because it's cool and sincere.

Some other day a girl at work remarked "of course, because I'm the best", and he said (not knowing I'm just passing by them) "you can try, but you won't be even half as great as El". I heard it and said "Oh, thank you!", to what he replied "you're welcome, My Darling". It was the first time he called me so, and my brain's immediate response was "Love you!", yet he said "Love you too!"

Today we had another shift together. At first he started talking about how I can teach him my mother tongue (what I do to gain some extra money) all days long, so that we'll spend time together after he quits the job (he does in 2 weeks). Then he said he can go with me to help me with my name change, if I don't know how to manage offices. And then I really got mad at him, because he wouldn't do a thing and was so lazy. "You're a lazy ass. You chose to clean downstairs, because you left me all alone upstairs for an entire day, and there's a fucking chaos in here." He got angry and told me to switch, so that I go downstairs and clean there, if I think there isn't much to do here, and we'll see who's right. So I did. He gave me a whole long list of things to do. Wastes to check, cakes to fill, equipment to clean, supplies to bring. It was a lot, but I did that and even more. I did all the things a second shift was to clean up, and everything for the nightshift. In 2 hours. Just to fucking prove him that there was not many things to do there at all. He came to me then and said "you know, El? You're one of a kind. Really fucking unique. I don't know anyone like you. Weird, but comfortable, and so bitchy, but lovely. You've got those moods of yours, but they're what makes you You. The El-ish El. You're very much amazing. So don't you ever change. I mean it. Without the things that may seem irresistible in you, you would be someone completely else. So be you, because without it you're someone else. Not El."

We were going home in the same bus. Him, my friend and I. I wanted to check the bus connections, so I was searching for my phone. Turned out it was in my pocket all the time and I started laughing at my stupidity. "El's so cute. You are so so cute, El. My sweet El. The sweetest person I know. Even under that whole mean shell. The sweetest." I then said to my friend something unnecessary, to what he said "What's that commentary. That's not my El. That's not the El I fell..." and he stopped in the middle of the sentence, realising what he almost just said. ...THE EL I FELL FOR... - this will stay in my head for a while. Because he's been in my head for a while. Now it turns out I was in his too.

Can that be..? After I said I'm giving up on my husband hunt? ...the El I fell for... - turns out my commentary was necessary after all. Just to hear him say it. Just to find out. I'm the El he fell for...

[asibelieveinmagic-blog]

How to destroy a perfectly good friendship with a boy in 7 steps, by Secret Jenny:

1. Start calling each other"sweetheart", "darling" and "cutie", instead of "bro", "dude" and "bitch"

2. Give less and less shade, as a substitute to giving more and more complements

3. Sneak I-love-you-s into your conversations as a joke, until it suddenly becomes awkwardly serious

4. Hug, even though you know it's weird

5. Share food and drinks and even eat from the same plate, what will soon feel like romantic dates

6. Make effort with your clothing and looks, just to make them see you as more than a potato they took you for that entire time

7. End up in their bed, after you both got drunk

These methods were tested via me, and I strongly advise anyone not to try them at home. Or anywhere. At all... XD