askeddie

[askeddie]

recently I feel like I have no friends. I try and organise things with my friends but nothing ends up happening. I am not close with anyone really and it is starting to affect me mentally. My parents are worried and they just spoke to me about my friends and how we all go through phases like this. I just want a nice group of friends that I can catch up with regularly. Do you have any tips for building stronger friendships or how I could get out of this phase? thank you xxxx

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this lovely! :( and I hope it passes quickly! 

Unfortunately, it is true and almost everyone goes through phases like this! my tips are: Find a common interest! if you play an instrument find someone who plays the same one so you guys can talk about it or practice together / sit together if you do school band things! or find someone you haven't talked to before in one of your classes and sit with them and chat about the subject until you become closer and can talk about other things! 

Involve yourself! I don't mean push yourself into outings with people that you aren't close with yet I just mean when you're sitting in a group environment make sure that you participate in conversation and its about things that are of interest to more than just one person - being inclusive is a really great quality that people get drawn to! 

and lastly, Know that its okay to be alone sometimes! enjoy your quiet time and enjoy your friend time but know that sometimes eating lunch or going to the library alone are okay too! you just want to balance it out! 

keep happy love!! don't let it get you down, you'll find lovely people soon!! xx

[askeddie]

(pt. 1) hi, I'm not sure if I hit ask or cancel, so I'll just type this all over again. I recently started online schooling and I don't have many friends. the very few friends I do have are always busy and can never hang out. I want new friends, but I don't know how to make them since I do online school. I am also very awkward (I'm not exaggerating, I stutter and get very nervous) when talking to new people. I am also interested in dating, but I don't know how that will happen either.

(pt. 2) I am not very athletic or social so I don't know what to do as far as ideas for getting out and getting to know people although I want to. I'm in high school btw. thank you so much in advance for the advice :) have a great day!

hi love! with online schooling is there like a community that do it? as in can you meet people through there? I don't know how it works sorry! 

my suggestion is join some local youth groups/clubs? like if you're religious go to your church's youth group or if you like are join the community's art group or go out with cousins/family and meet their friends and branch out from there!! I hope you can make some lovely friends easily!! good luck!! xxx

[askeddie]

(1) Hey there! This is going to be on the longish side, I'm sorry for that! Well, last year I fell in love with this boy... we met on a friendship-base and we talked a lot and had the time of our lives. He kind of became my sun, even though it sounds so stupid and cliché. I changed because I was simply being myself with him and I realised that I don't have to fake it to be special or funny and for people to like me. He helped me be my own sun.

(ctd) I fell in love slowly and I didn’t even get it until three months in. For three more months, I was screwing up my courage to tell him. Well, he didn’t like me back like this, he wanted to be friends with me. It was sincere, because that’s what we are now, four months later. Two of these, I spent crying my eyes out over him. Now, I thought I was over it. I even had a few little crushes, but it was nothing serious because nobody could compete with him (It sounds terrible, I know). But then one of our mutual friends stated that, for a while, their guy clique’s main goal was to set me up with him because he liked me and I seemed to like him. That just sent me off into an ocean of NOPE NOPE NOPE. I know I’m not over him, but that just re-opened old wounds so bad. In the last 14 days, I had 6 dreams about him and in most of them, he was kissing other girls right in front of me. I don’t know what to do any more. I’m not used to being unhappy over this, even when he told me he doesn’t feel the same way, he was still the one person who could make me happy. But, as I’m graduating this year, I fear that everything is going to fall apart, that he’s going to forget all about our friendship. God knows I’ve tried to get rid of the negativity and tried to move on, but it’s so hard! Am I wrong for still being in love with him? How do I stop being like this? Because he’s one of the most wonderful persons I’ve ever befriended and I feel like I’m ruining everything! Can you give me advice? I really need it. Thank you in advance! x

——

Hello beautiful, 

The bits of your question that I put in bold really stood out, so I feel addressing these ideas would be a good place to start. It sounds as if you aren’t an unhappy person by nature, but this guy turned you into the most vivacious version of yourself. Does that make sense? It isn’t something to feel ashamed of, either. We usually don’t have a choice when it comes to who we develop feelings for. These kinds of things usually just happen. It’s part of growing up.

 Basically, you aren’t wrong for still being in love with him at all. You can “stop being like this” by focusing on making yourself happy. He took the job of being your own personal sun for a while, and that’s fine, but now you need to take responsibility for your own happiness again. 

I think the dreams you’re having of him kissing girls are partially about your wish to be “the one” for him, but I also think your subconscious could be trying to protect you. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but maybe you two aren’t meant to be together, and this is the universe trying to gently let you know that it isn’t going to work out. 

Besides, you graduating is a big deal! Sadly, friendships do end after graduation. The best idea I can suggest is to talk to him about how you feel. If you don’t want to revisit your feelings for him in that way, then only focus on friendship. Tell him that you value him as a friend because he’s funny/smart/whatever, and that you don’t want to lose touch after graduation. 

I’d like to think that everyone who changes us was put into our lives with a purpose. (This applies regardless of what you believe in concerning a higher power, I believe.) You said that this guy changed you because he allowed you to simply be yourself around him. I’m willing to be that was a lesson you needed to learn for one reason or another. 

Hopefully this helps you! x

- K

[askeddie]

hey darlings :) i'm replying privately to a question that someone asked off anon right now, and after that our ask will be empty. i apologize for not being active over the past few weeks, but hopefully you all know that if anything is bothering you, this blog is still here to help! just vent here ♡♡♡ if it's something that has been bothering you then come talk to askeddie about it! 

- kimmy

[askeddie]

So I have this guy best friend, and he is such a good person. But last night he called me and told me that he loved me and I don't know what to do because I just don't know if I can be more than friends with him. I'm so broken from past experiences and I find it so hard to open up and love people now because I know what happens in the end every time and I don't want to ruin what we have. I just don't know what to do because I'm so scared.

Being scared probably feels horrible, but it could be a blessing in disguise if that makes sense? Look at it this way: feeling this way is forcing you to evaluate your own feelings. That’s so important. 

There are different kinds of love, you know? If this boy is a person that you want to keep in your life, then you need to be honest with him. If you love him as a friend only, he deserves to know that. I’m assuming that since you said this is a best friend, he at least knows a little about your past. We don’t always tell our best friends everything though. Do you trust this person enough to explain why you’re hurt from past experiences? If you think that there’s even a small chance you may love him back, then honesty is the best possible place to start. 

You saying that you know what happens in the end every time is a little alarming. I’m not going to preach to you about the importance of heartbreak because it makes you stronger or anything like that, because that wouldn’t be helpful. All I want to say is that sometimes fear finds a way to cloud reason. Trust your instincts, but don’t always search for a way to stop yourself from taking chances.

[askeddie]

My best friend (rosie) of 14 yrs has another best friend that she said "she wanted to grow old together being best friends" with and i feel like i like rosie more than she likes me and she feels like she has to be my friend not wants to and this other girl just seems so much better than me and i feel sad when she talks about her, should i just leave her alone now to make her happy or what?? xx

If you two are really best friends (and you value each other equally) then this is an issue that can never be solved if you don’t talk about it. You can sit on the sidelines and watch her treat her other friend in the way you wish to be treated, and probably build up jealously to accompany that. Or, you can tell her you’re afraid the two of you are going to grow separate ways.

Leaving her alone will probably only cause you to get hurt. I’m willing to be she doesn’t even know that you feel neglected. If you don’t say anything but continue to feel like your friendship is in danger, it will probably seem as if you’re pushing her away. 

- K

[askeddie]

I hope you dont think im a bad person for saying this but my best friend is going to the same 6th form as me and i havent been at school with her for a while but i think she will want to hang around and be with me and i still want to be her friend but i want kind of make new friends like at my current school i have a big group of friends which suits me but this best friend who is outside of school is very clingy and i dont want to upset her!

It’s kind of strange how all best friendships are so different, you know? The dynamic between you two might be really personal because you two connect the most when no one else is around. That would explain why you feel that she’s clingy. She’s your best friend, though, so just try to keep that in the back of your mind. 

Wanting to have friends of your own is healthy and normal. I think you just need to make an effort to be balanced, and then you won’t have a reason to feel like a bad person. Put yourself in your best friend’s shoes for a minute, though. What if she was the more social one, and you were in a place where you didn’t feel comfortable being close to a bunch of other people? If you saw your best friend constantly choosing everyone else over you, it would make you feel horrible, right?

My suggestion is to find a legitimate reason to have your own separate circle. Join a club, play a sport, or audition for a play. Pick something that really interests you. If your best friend seems like she wants to join as well, don’t try to stop her, but let her know that whatever activity you’ve picked is something you’re serious about. The two of you can be close without being attached to each other all day long. If you make time to hang out with her on weekends and still treat her like the same person, then you shouldn’t have as much of a problem.

Friendships do end. You can’t let someone hold you back. At the same time, you have to remember everything that person has done for you before doing something to hurt them.

- K  

[askeddie]

Emily's goodbye :)

Hey beautiful's, basically i'm leaving tumblr and so won't be answering any advice from now on. But don't worry because Kimmy and Liz are more than capable of helping you. I love you, stay strong and be brave xxxx

[askeddie]

I cut and i starve but i want to stop. I recently started throwing up to. I can see that my best friend is in pain as she knows everything but i cannot stop and she has even been in the room whilst i was doing it and i can see that she is worried but i literally cant stop and i want to die. I am at breaking point and sooner or later i think i will do something stupid... w h a t should i do?

You need to find an adult that you trust, and talk to them. I’m not here to tell you that cutting and starving are unhealthy, because I’m sure that you know this. Sometimes, when you’re caught in between reality (your friends and family, and how they see you) and self-loathing, it can be hard to escape that trap. The fact that you have reached a point where it doesn’t feel necessary to hide your self-harm from your best friend is a giant red flag. It does sound like you are very close to doing something drastic, and potentially irrevocable. 

Does your school have counselors? I know that it may feel daunting to open yourself up that much to someone who barely knows you. Compared to telling your parents, an aunt or an uncle, etc, it may be easier to tell someone that has no preconceived notion of you. If you’re nervous, then remind yourself that a counselor picked that job because they want to help people like you. They are trained to be confidential, and they have access to resources that you may not be able to find on your own. If this isn’t an option, then talk to one of your instructors. They have the same level of maturity and most likely, concern for your wellbeing. 

Something you can do in the meantime is to remove all of your razors from your room. Put them in a box, and take them to a trashcan outside of where you live. This will not magically cure the temptation, but it will give you a moment to think before you instinctually go to self-harm next time. In that time you have, I beg you to consider that your best friend is worried. Think of the look on her face, and hold on to the resolve that gives you. 

If you are located in the US, UK, or Australia, then there are numbers you can call in case you find yourself unable to fight any longer. Here are some numbers for the UK. This is a resource for Australia. In the states, you can call 1 (800) 273-8255. 

Do not blame yourself for feeling this way. You didn’t ask for any of this, and you did not bring any of this on yourself. I know it may seem easier to convince yourself that you can handle this on your own. Some people are able to, but are you willing to bet your life on it? Statistically, once eating disorders and self-harm become habitual, they stick with you. (1, 2, 3)

Your feelings are valid, simply because you feel them. You can recover. Please, seek help while you still have the ability to ask. It may be difficult, but know that people love you and people care. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message askeddie, or even come talk to me off anon on my primary blog. This is an issue that is very personal to me. I cannot promise to remain impartial, but I can promise to not judge you. 

- K 

[askeddie]

to the person that asked about loving their bisexual best friend: I swear that I typed about five paragraphs for you, and it disappeared! if you want to send that message again, I will definitely try to help. I'm so sorry! 

- K

[askeddie]

You're like some kind of psychic... I do have so much negativity towards myself. Thanks so much forghe help!

No problem! I think that you should make it a goal to be a little bit nicer to yourself. There are people who love you, and you have something to offer. Don't forget that! - K

[askeddie]

I had terrible nightmares all last night and I'm scared to go to sleep

Being afraid of sleeping because of nightmares definitely makes sense. Breathe. You know nightmares aren't real, but you also know the reaction you get from them is a very real feeling. Did you know that dreams are just your brain trying to organize and understand everything that happens to you? Some people believe in dream analysis. Some don't, but regardless, it's totally possible to have a dream that doesn't directly represent real life. In a dream someone could be afraid of a snake, even if snakes don't terrify them in real life. The snake just represents something else, so a nightmare about one doesn't mean it has/will harm you while you're awake. Practicing healthy sleeping habits could help you! Try to only lay in bed when you want to sleep. Stop using electronics 30-60 minutes before you want to fall asleep. Once you close your eyes, try to relax and resist reaching for your phone. Do breathing exercises if you feel anxious as you're trying to help. Check out some white or brown noise videos on youtube. If those are annoying, try searching classical music for sleep or thunderstorms for sleep. If you have an iphone/ipod and an ihome, you can use a youtube to mp3 converter to download it so it can play on repeat. I know i just said don't use electronics (which is still a really good rule that therapists seem to love) but if you need to play the youtube video then i don't think there's anything wrong with it. Just try to play the video and put your phone in a place where you can't easily reach it. Turn the brightness setting as low as possible and keep your phone on silent so something won't interrupt the video sound. Drinking warm milk, tea, or a combination of both like 45 minutes before bed may help. Take a relaxing bubble bath before that, or do a little yoga. Just try to ease the tension you feel about sleep. - K

[askeddie]

I'm in a cafe with wifi and studying doesn't sound like much fun right now. Come ask for advice or vent if you need a space to talk? -K

[askeddie]

I have a really sweet bf. He takes me shopping, brings me home, tell his friends that I'm his one and only, gets mad at guys who think green of me, tell his friends that we'd get married, doesn't drink, go to bars nor party (for me), respects me, cries when we fight, buys me stuff I want, bikes to my house (1) -h

Hi, H! Sorry for taking so long to reply to this, first of all. It sounds like your boyfriend IS really sweet. Do you think that your ex caught your attention during that fair simply because you got into a fight with your bf? I don't want to read too much into anything you've said, but I wonder if you've ever felt undeserving of your current bf? If you have, then you need to remind yourself of how amazing you are. Sometimes it becomes very easy to miss past relationships if self doubt becomes involved. Just know that you've grown since then. Try to do something special for your bf and talk over whatever you fought about. Maybe watch his favorite movie or play a video game with him? Take it from there. - K

[askeddie]

even if we don't live near, writes me ALOT of handwritten letters and more though I overthink that he might leave me.. :( Once my friends and I were supposed to hang but they had training so him and I waited for then then when she was done, he left. Then my friends and I went to to the mall. They kept bringing to useless places then after they brought me somewhere and I saw him. He had alot of letter formed into a (2) -h

replying under part 1! x- K

[askeddie]

heart, so i read everything then in the last letter he asked me to be his gf. I really love my bf but during the fair, my ex spent more time with us. My bf wasnt with us bec we fought. So during those days of the fair, I just couldnt stop staring or trying to look at my ex. :( (3)-h

replying under part 1! x- K

[askeddie]

I think I was happier when I met my current bf but when I see my ex, I feel so attracted to him. I find him so good looking and all. Is this normal? :( he leveled up? Like before he wasn't that hot and all but now it's just woah. :(

Sometimes we can have something that’s wonderful and not realize it until that person/object/situation is gone. It really depends on the way you saw life when you met your ex in comparison to when you met your current boyfriend. When everything else in life seems positive and effortless, it’s easier (I think) to overlook the flaws of others because you don’t want anything to break your happiness. So, maybe that happened when you met your current boyfriend. You may have only noticed the positive qualities, and now that you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you’re dealing with that voice at the back of your mind that remembers the good from your previous relationship? It’s only natural to compare the two. 

Even when two people break up, that chemistry they shared doesn’t just disappear. (If it does, then they never had intense feelings one way or another) This is a weird comparison, but have you ever seen The Vampire Diaries? Full disclaimer: Since I don’t know Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder in real life (so sad about that) I don’t know how true any of their relationship rumors are/were. But basically, it has been assumed that they dated off screen and broke up. They’re actors, so of course they’re going to be a lot better at pretending than the average person… but have you seen and Delena scenes from the past season? I mean, I can’t imagine having to work with someone and pretend to be characters that still love each other while having real feelings to deal with on the side? Gah. But it’s pretty hard to not notice their complicated real/fake/real relationship. 

Tangent, sorry.

Basically, I think part of you is going to find your ex attractive for a while because it’s something you can’t have as long as you’re with your current boyfriend. There’s a saying that goes something like: “We don’t love people because they’re beautiful, they’re beautiful because we love them.” That’s so true. You know what he is capable of, especially if he made you happy at any point in time, like, ever. So now that part of you misses that, it explains why he seems hotter and more tempting.

Just know that if you decide to try and hook up with him, there will be consequences if your current boyfriend finds out. Be true to yourself though, darling.

- K