atlasfontaine

[atlasfontaine]

The slight feeling of pride I had when I realized that in Philip's dormancy he was earnestly thinking of me and my dilemma and created vessels for the daemon.

Of course I didn't wait until my weak legs would carry me and a wheelchair was ordered to my house. Philip pushed me towards his own tenement which was housed inside the tavern.

As he opened the door to his apartment a startled gasp escaped my lips as I was met face to face with three separate ''vessels''

A mortal word could not describe such beings. Manmade creations formed from metal and wires. Something one could only describe in dreams as both fantastical and nightmarish. They were silver and metal with humanoid bodies. Their heads alien, with merely slits as the eyes and their faces with a somber expression as they sat looking at the ground. They all looked the same despite a slight change in the faces, as one appeared more feminine, the other masculine, and the last that looked neither male or female.

''Which one would Comp want Atlas?'' Philip smiled as he held out his hands towards his creations,'' we keep calling him a he as if we know what our perception of he looks like. Does he see through your eyes? Does he see your thoughts? I want to ask him myself.''

A glitter began to show itself through Philip's eyes as he approached the center of the room.

''If you can hear me Comp,'' Philip smiled as if coaxing a small child,'' pick a vessel, and I will allow you to have it. Time's long past since you can torment my friend.''

I began to rise from the chair without my consent and my body threw itself to the one who in my mind's eye mostly represented a male. A soft chuckle set itself into Philip's throat.

''I see,'' he spoke as if he could hear him,'' you want to be like your big brother. A man you are then-'' Philip turned towards my demanding face and assisted me back to my chair,'' I'll explain to the two of you what I am about to do.''

The madness and intensity of Philip's idea had challenged all my energy and mindfulness into a sense of incomplete knowledge as I listened to what he had to say. He told me that in his studies of the human mind that our outward appearance is nothing like the persona we create within ourselves. The internal struggle as our soul attempts to create our fleshy host as a comfortable home for our mortal lives is the centerpiece of greed and pride.

Thus, when he spoke I could see a smile across his face and his eyes light up in a joy. But I could not determine if such a thing was if he was excited for his new invention or if he was happy to free me from the daemon. He spoke quickly and assured, and his hands tried to keep up with his lips as they danced around his body.

As he spoke I could feel Comp's eagerness and slight discomfort in our discussion. A slight feeling of him swimming through my veins sent a chill to my bones. Sensing my irritation Philip paused his speech and proceeded towards me.

''I have spoken enough,'' he looked into my eyes as if he saw both me and Comp at the same time,'' let's begin the extraction.''

I was wheeled into one of his extra bedrooms and stared stunned at the gears, wires, and endless forms of technology which overtook the small space.

The bronze gears, bolts and pipes created something that looked like a chair and as Philip helped to ease me into it I looked across from myself into the face of the automaton which gazed expressionless at me.

A darkness swooned over my heart and caused me to shield it with my palm. Was this Comp? Was he detesting Philip's plan?

''Count backwards from ten Atlas!'' Philip began to place a pair of goggles upon his eyes,'' calm yourself and close your eyes, it'll be over soon.''

I clenched my eyes shut, and the swimming feeling in my veins caused me to grimace.

''Philip!'' I began to scream,'' I don't think Comp likes this idea! And neither do-''

Suddenly a shock went through my whole body, and I cried out. It felt as if everything heavy that weighed upon my heart was being pulled from my skin, but it wasn't entirely a comforting feeling. Without listening to Philip I opened my eyes and was met face to face with an almost perfect looking version of myself. Instead this version had deep brown eyes, and a more handsome chiseled expression unlike my own blue eyes and almost gothic tone of flesh.

He reached out towards me as he seemed to be sucked up by the automaton and when he reached towards me and placed his hands upon both my cheeks I felt the warmth of his flesh and the disparity and fear in his expression.

''Is that you Comp?'' I lifted my hands towards his own face and cupped his cheeks in my hands, and felt the warmth and plumpness of them and chuckled,'' so this is the daemon in my mind.''

A wave of dizziness came over me as my eyes began to feel heavy. I felt as Comp held my face in his hands as I drooped in apparent sudden exhaustion. I felt as my glasses slid from my face and collapsed to the floor just as quick as my body slipped from Comp's grasp and I collapsed from the makeshift chair and laid as if dead upon the floor.

I couldn't move but remained completely conscience as I scanned the room with my eyelashes. My body felt so heavy, almost as if it wasn't meant for me. The room swirled and shook as I gazed weakly up at Philip who turned me upon my back and flicked a needle in his hand and inserted it into my arm.

Everything happened so slow, I know I jolted in pain from the needle but it happened almost in slow-motion and the voice in my head echoed through my mind and Philip's low grumbling echoed until it ebbed like that of a voice through a tunnel.

''I saw Comp,'' I mumbled this while my eyelids fluttered over my vision,'' he's a perfect version of me.''

''Damn wrong you are,'' Philip spoke quickly and flicked a second needle and entered it into my other arm,'' just rest Atlas, I'm stabilizing your brain fluids. Your body's having withdrawal from Comp.''

I chuckled, but it only swirled through my blurred vision and hearing and I laughed again just to hear it again. I must have become maniacal as Philip's studious expression narrowed towards me as he flicked another needle. This happened so much that I lost count of how much shots were entered into each of my arms.

I lost feeling in my body towards the last shot and it felt as if my soul was leaving my body. My tongue felt uncomfortably full in my mouth and my breathing became so slow. My labored panting echoed through my mind as I felt my skin swell with a reaction akin to an allergy of some sort.

''Hang on Atlas,'' Philip's voice duplicated through my ears,'' this is the last one.''

A stab came into my thigh and I wailed as the broiling feeling liquid seared through my veins, tears stung my eyes, and I contorted in pain. ''It's done Atlas,'' I felt as Philip's fingers closed my eyelids which were frozen in place,'' sleep, you're free from Comp. With God's grace may you never have to deal with something like this again my dear friend.''

I awoke propped up by blankets and pillows, and for the first time in my life the overwhelming grief that had overtaken me was lifted. As my vision collected itself I saw Philip kneeled before the automaton that had become Comp's vessel.

''Can you hear me Comp?'' Philip snapped his fingers before the robot and gave out a sigh,'' I know you can hear me, please answer.''

The robot shifted and turned its head away from Philip and appeared almost tempted to slap him as he turned his body away.

''So the joints work,'' Philip seemed unbothered by Comp's apparent annoyance,'' did the procedure hurt? Do you feel sensation in this body? I have solutions to help with pain, I thought of your wellbeing too.''

''Why wouldn't you,'' Comp's voice filled the room,'' I'm a human too.'' Philips's eyes gleamed as he turned up towards Comp and stood awestruck at his ''creation'' he paced quickly around the room and then stared back at Comp.

''Well, well, well,'' he stuttered as he spoke, clearly too overjoyed to think of anything else, he only beamed towards the creature,'' how do you like your vessel?''

The robot's hand lifted and it rose to its feet and poked Philip's chest rudely.

''I want a body of flesh,'' Comp began to snicker the same way I heard him in my head,'' I want to be human.''

Philip's beam suddenly darkened and he turned towards me as I began to struggle to my feet.

''So- this vessel doesn't suit your tastes?''

He pointed towards me.

''I want his body, can't you kill him?''

I grimaced as the robotic head turned towards me and proceeded to approach me.

''You saw what I truly look like Atlas,'' the robot seemed to demand for me to drop dead where I stood,'' I look like you! You're the only body I want!''

Philip, who now looked overly concerned for my own safety took Comp aside.

''As a member of society,'' he narrowed his eyes towards me as I stood dumbfounded,'' you'll have to learn how to act. Yes, you do not look like everyone else but if you have a good spirit about you the people will respect you.''

''But they will not see me as human,'' Comp growled, the creaking sound of the metallic joints burst through my ears as his body jerked towards Philip,'' I will be a mockery! I will be seen as more a daemon than when I wasn't seen at all.''

Philip didn't reply but only took Comp into a room where after their return the robot was dressed in a quite dapper suitcoat. He looked almost human besides the expressionless face which I could swear would set anyone in unease.

''Atlas,'' Philip turned towards me and helped ease me back into my wheelchair,'' shall we tell the town?''

I sat, in the wheelchair numb to what happened. My eyes cast to the floor as Philip pushed me outside. My arms stung from the many needle pokes, and with each step of the automaton came another pang of fear for my own wellbeing.

Comp knew I was weak, by far he knew my abilities far better than any of the small humble town. I could feel his mind reeling with a way to retrieve my body for his own. Would he really kill me?

[atlasfontaine]

The cabin was dark which was abnormal to me, and as I progressed inside the door closed slowly behind me with an eerie squeak. I could see nothing, but I could hear Phineas fiddle with a box of matches and once a small dot of light came from the opposite side of the room it was placed into a lantern and Phineas once again rested his finger against his lips.

''This way Nathaniel,'' the jingle of the gold clasps of his boots guided me into a room in the far back of the cabin, and once inside he hung the small lantern up on the wall.

''This is her,'' he bent down to the floor and kissed softly on what looked like to me a large doll's hand.

''What is it?'' I proceeded forward but he held out his hand to me.

''I must awaken her,'' he rose to his feet and pulled down a giant sheet that had obscured any light from making its way to the room. Once it was removed I stared unknowingly amazed or horrified at what laid before me.

As the sparkling dust settled I witnessed what was seated before me in a wooden chair. It looked like a girl about our age sleeping peacefully in the sunlight. Her soft hands neatly folded upon her lap, large blonde curls surrounding her uncomfortably perfect body. She wore a quaint rose colored dress, with ruffles around the sleeves and skirt.

''What is this Phineas?'' I turned towards the man but his eyes were only glowing as he turned towards me.

''Isn't she beautiful Nathaniel?'' he proceeded towards the seemingly sleeping girl,'' this is my wife, Phoebe.''

The first thought that ran through my head was that this was some sort of girl he had killed and stuffed to an almost disgusting form of perfection. But his eyes reflected that he had more to show me, and once he gripped the girl's hand in both of his, the eyes began to flutter open, revealing the almost perfect porcelain purple eyes.

She turned to look and me and a pout came upon her rose colored face and she tugged on Phineas's shirt.

''It's ok darling,'' the man hushed towards her and gave me a grin,'' this man is a friend, you can trust him.''

My eyes darted from the two, the girl was just a small bit shorter than Phineas and I and stared at me as if she was waiting to be ordered what to do next.

Her large eyes gazed towards me and her lips parted as if she was about to say something.

''Hello Phoebe,'' I smiled warmly as I approached her,'' my name is Nathaniel I-''

I felt Phineas's presence loom over me and when I turned his face darked as he glared towards me.

''You find her beautiful do you not?''

''She is beautiful but, what is this?''

''Come with me, I'll show you.''

After giving the girl a brisk wave Phineas rushed me outside and we stood gazing at the flowers.

''She isn't a real girl,'' the words felt strange as they hit my ears,'' she was created by metal, wood, and tree sap.'' he turned towards my confused face and smiled,'' I know what you're thinking, you find me quite queer.''

''I've never seen something quite like that,'' I cupped my chin in my hand and felt as I began to tremble,'' why did you make her?''

''I made her to love me,'' Phineas closed his eyes and shrugged,'' just because I have a different thought process doesn't mean I cannot accept love. My old town shunned me because of my ideology. But I trust you Nathaniel, you will keep this a secret will you?''

I darted my eyes from his now questioning face.

''Do I scare you Nathaniel?''

''Of course not,'' I turned towards his now dim and demanding face,'' so she is what you have been making?''

A gust of wind rattled the flowers in the field and small yellow petals threw themselves around us, the door to the cabin opened and the girl revealed herself and turned towards me, her short animated movements cast a shudder into my being.

''Wh- wHy, WhY aRe YoU hErE?'' her voice sounded like that of a church organ and chalk down a board, I winced as she approached me and came uncomfortably close to my face.

''What does she want Phineas?''

Phineas only gazed at our interaction as he scribbled some form of notes in a small notebook he pulled from his vest pocket.

''You don't question a woman why she does the things that she does,'' he cupped the lady's hand in his and tried to pull her away but she remained gazing into my eyes and stood fast.

''Come along Phoebe,'' he tugged harder on the lass as she proceeded to cup my face in one of her porcelain hands. I felt the hairs along the base of my neck stand on edge as she closed her eyes and leaned towards me as if preparing for a kiss.

''PHOEBE!'' Phineas screamed and tugged her harder in anger, a snap, a crack sounded through the forest and then a howled scream as the lass's arm broke off and Phineas stood dumbfounded with it in his arms.

She fell upon me, and her weight pushed me towards the ground, and when I opened my eyes her face was contorted to a form of confused anger. She rose to her feet and lunged toward Phineas as he stood in disbelief with her arm in his hand.

''Phoebe I didn't mean to,'' tears could be seen spilling from Phineas's eyes,'' I'll make you stronger next time I promise-''

She ripped the arm from his grasp and whacked him with it, shattering the pieces across the ground as he fell along with them. Collapsing into the field with a stain of blood beginning to form on his temple.

The lass's eyes turned towards me as she stood as if accomplishing what she wanted to do. She proceeded to attack Phineas like a wild animal, and ignored my begging for her to stop. When at last her vengeance was over she began to wildly rip apart her delicate dress and pull strands of hair from her head.

''He DiD nOt LoVe Me,'' her voice sounded even more distorted now,'' He WaS jEaLoUs Of YoU nAtHaNiEl.''

She proceeded to run into the forest howling and screaming inaudible words as I walked up towards Phineas who laid like dead in the field. I turned him over and realized his face was caked with blood. A loud wheezing breath startled me as his eyes opened and he gazed at me wordless.

''Don't move,'' I began to pull out the large chunks of porcelain that pierced his face,'' she's gone. Tell me where does it hurt the most?'' His eyes were wide as he tried to collect his breath, a trail of blood spilled from his mouth and his pupils enlarged as his face contorted to confusion and pain.

''She-'' he grunted as he tried to speak,'' why did she leave me, why did she cling to you?''

He turned towards me and I could tell his consciousness was fading, his face relaxed and his eyes closed and I rushed from his small cabin into the town for anyone who could help him.

[atlasfontaine]

''What happened today Atlas,'' Philip spoke slowly as if he was carefully selecting his words,'' I know it wasn't you. You'd never put anything before your studies.''

I broke from my trance at this moment and for the first time my lip quivered with the realization of what had happened.

''I'll never be able to study while working at the coal mines,'' I turned towards Philip and felt as a warm tear slid from one of my eyes,'' what can I do? Everyone witnessed our bet.''

As if ignoring me Philip walked ahead of me and cupped his chin in his hand. And when he turned to look at me he lowered his gaze. ''Is that why you tried to kill yourself Atlas?''

My hand suddenly rose to my neck which still slightly ached at what had happened and I suddenly began to panic.

''No no no!'' I smiled as realistically as I could and tried to comfort him,'' that was something else entirely!''

''Was it?'' Philip's face demanded an answer as he approached me,'' your hands were around your own neck.''

''You wouldn't believe me if I told you,'' a slight swelling came into my throat as I began to speak,'' there's something-''

Suddenly my throat closed and I lurched forward, collapsing on my knees wheezing for breath.

There was nothing I could do but pound my own chest in a desperate attempt to breathe, I couldn't breathe through my nose, not my mouth. And as Philip shook me to reply to him I was too worried about how he could stop what was happening once I passed out. My eyes began to water as I gazed towards him with a face that I could only describe as the giver as complete fear.

As soon as a shade of black came over my vision my throat reopened and I burst awake, coughing and wheezing to catch my breath. And when I looked back at Philip his eyes and mouth were wide open and terrified.

He sat on his knees with his arms open as if he was about to catch me as I fell, and I could see the sheer amount of concern on his face. ''What in the devil Atlas!'' his eyes narrowed as I held my chest as I caught my breath,'' what sort of daemon has consumed you?''

''No daemon,'' I muttered, quietly in case my throat would close again,'' something else.''

''Then I'll take you to the church,'' Philip began to reach towards me but my body shoved him away without my consent and I only shook my head wildly as he approached me again.

''It's not far if you choke again,'' Philip's skin was pale as he rested his hand on my own clammy shoulder,'' just know I'm not afraid of what's inside you. I'm afraid if you'll pass away before finishing your studies.''

As soon as he grabbed my shoulder and began to drag me quickly down the road back towards the town my legs that were running locked up. A million noises sounded through my temples and my body's mad jerking to be released bruised my wrist which Philip refused to release.

Bless him as he tirelessly dragged my flopping and jerking body into the large church which stood in the outskirts of town. I couldn't describe exactly what happened as I was dragged past the elegant pews and toward the pulpit where my apparent screaming awoke the poor priest who ran from his quarters in his evening dress to meet us.

''I believe he's possessed by a daemon!'' Philip laid me on the ground and as I took in slow wheezing breaths he turned towards me with his face red with exasperation,'' please save him!''

I felt as I was lifted from the ground and my wrists and legs bound with twine. I was soon surrounded by other members of the church and as I tried to demand what was going to happen to me the loud sounds in my temples only screamed louder which made me cry out in both fear and pain.

''They can't get rid of me,'' the voice in my head chuckled,'' I am no daemon!''

''Then please leave me alone, I'll make a deal with you!'' I screamed inwardly and perhaps outwardly as well,'' please stop this torment!'' I felt as the church members mumbled about each other of what they should do and over the course of perhaps many hours in delirious moaning I had dirt thrown into my eyes, strange herbs forced down my throat and sips of vinegar along with other things I must have forgotten.

When I at last awoke still lying on the church grounds with my wrists and ankles bleeding by my bounds I felt as the morning sun came through the window and warmed my pale and damp flesh.

''I will go to sleep now Atlas,'' I heard the exhausted sounds of my ''brother'' as he hushed through my head,'' enjoy your time of silence.'' My body, which had been endlessly jerking and seizing stopped, and I quivered as I closed my eyes my teeth chattering and I shivering as if cold.

''Is he dead,'' I heard Philip's voice as I laid as if dead,'' is he alright?'' A hand rested itself on my cheeks and then at last on my forehead and I heard a slow sigh.

''He isn't dead yet,'' a separate voice murmured,'' the torment is over, he's resting.''

No perfect word can explain the exhaustion that rattled through all of my bones and muscles. I wanted nothing more than to be laid in my own bed with warm blankets all around. My mouth was dry and it hurt to breathe. My eyes stung from the dirt and salt that was thrown in them and the amount of snot and drool that had come from my mouth and nose stung my face.

''Kill me,'' I whispered through the church,'' it isn't a daemon, it's my twin brother…''

''What did he say?'' someone asked, and I heard a low murmur among the people.

''It isn't a daemon,'' the priest stood shocked,'' it's another soul?''

''If you kill me, kill us both. That will end the torment correct?'' I winced as the pain of the bruises that scarred my body began to ache,'' I am scared, pastor…''

The world gave a riveting swirl and I lurched, covering myself with vomit. After this I collapsed back to the floor.

On the account of Philip and the members of the church I didn't awake for a weeks time. A fever had taken hold of me and for this time there was no sign of the daemon. I was bedridden for a painful amount of time, and when I was finally free from my quarters I began to worry that everything that had happened was on my own accord. Though, on the day at the near end of the third week I heard a small voice in my head.

''I've been thinking of a name Atlas, please, call me Comp.''

[atlasfontaine]

A blurb of an old novel I wrote

''Tsamui,'' a voice laughed,'' I'm surprised you didn't believe me when I said I wouldn't follow your every step.'' Tsamui's light brown eyes widened, he turned to a masked figure behind him. ''Stay away from me,'' Tsamui sputtered, quickly rising to his feet,'' I am not alone this time, I have someone who has no experience in flying this rocket!'' ''Ah,'' the masked figure stayed still as a stone,'' makes no difference.'' Tsamui gasped he rushed for the door but it shut before him. ''No running please,'' the masked figure began laughing,'' I need to finish what I came here for.'' ''Oh you want to fight?'' Tsamui grinned,'' fine!'' Tsamui rushed toward the masked figure and hailed him with punches and kicks, until he backed, gasping and wincing, the masked figure didn't flinch. ''What manner of- ARGH!!!'' Tsamui screamed as the masked figure grabbed his large hand all around Tsamui's neck and squeezed hard. ''L-let me go!'' Tsamui began to kick and squirm, choking on his own saliva, his eyes began to dim as he was slowly suffocating. He winced as the grip tightened more around his neck and he couldn't breathe at all. ''I'm not going to kill you,'' the masked figure laughed,'' you truly look so scared for death. I'm going to keep you ''under control'' until the ship crashes and both you and that girl are gone.'' Tsamui groaned as he had no breath to reply, his eyes rolled into his head as he began to sag in the masked man's grip. The masked man grinned, he pulled out breathing mask from his bag and held it upon Tsamui's face. ''This will knock you right out and you will die in your sleep,'' the masked man grinned,'' see, I am not so cruel.'' As the masked man slowly released Tsamui's neck Tsamui's eyes flashed open, he escaped from his grip and rushed toward the door and attempted to thrash at it. The masked man though had other plans. He rushed to Tsamui and grabbed him by the front of the coat and slammed him fiercely upon the head with his other hand. Tsamui collapsed to the ground dazed and mostly out of it, the masked man pulled out the breathing mask again and put it upon Tsamui's face pumping it's toxic air into Tsamui's lungs. ''If you breathe this in,'' the masked man held Tsamui down as he weakly tried to push him off,'' you will remain asleep for a good week or so, enough time for you to crash.'' Tsamui tried to fight it as much as he could, he winced and tried to escape, but the masked man had his knee fiercely piercing his gut. ''Just relax……'' the masked man said soothingly,'' you won't even know what hit you.'' Tsamui gasped weakly taking in the toxic gas his body shaking in fear of what was to happen to not only him but the spaceship that was hurling in space. He wrestled with the mask but the man had pressed it so hard onto his face he felt cuts begin to form on his cheeks. It's scent was oddly sweet, so thick when it hit his lungs. He grabbed the man's arm and felt as if his chest sunk to the floor. His head lolled over, tears slipping from his eyes as he passed out. Upon realizing that Tsamui was unconscious the man tightened the mask on his face and lifted him up into his arms. ''After this you won't be able to help Kira land this worthless vessel safely.'' Tsamui gave a groan as the masked man threw his body into a closet and closed the door behind him. At that time Kira was beginning to worry about Tsamui, he was gone for quite a while.

[atlasfontaine]

TW: attempted suicide

''Stop this Lust,'' I shifted from her grasp and sat up, grimacing as I beheld her surprised face,'' I-I do not love you, and I know you do not love me.''

She smiled upon hearing this, her long blonde locks shrunk to her mid back and turned dark as they were before. My Lust had turned back to Temptation, her grin overtook her face and she rose from the bed.

''Well then Dependant,'' she clipped closed the large bag that held her belongings,'' I shall be off then, I'll return when you want me again.''

She left, closing the door behind her. I sat, dumbfounded, whatever hole that bore through my chest sunk even deeper inside of me, it felt painful, numb, but overall I felt like the loveless being that was tossed aside by the whole world. I felt my eyes stung with tears. No, I did not love Temptation, but her mere fake love fed me with what I wanted. I choked back on a tear and then screamed, clutching to my shirt and nearly stretching it as I shielded my face with it. I screamed, louder and louder and I cried, shaking in pain.

''Fucking kill me!!!!'' I wailed, screaming as loud as I could,'' FUCKING END ME! I DON'T WANT TO BE ALIVE ANYMORE!!! END ME, SOMEONE FUCKING END ME!!!''

But my cries fell upon no ears, and my wails only echoed back to me in the empty room. My lovebed had become a cell, my love had become a strange form of chains. My tears became almost like flames cascading down my aching face. I covered my ears and felt my heartbeat through my head. I hated that sound, I hated it with all my being. I clutched my chest, praying that I could reach inside myself and rip my heart out and clench it and watch as it died along with myself.

It's a strange feeling, to hate yourself so much you want to torture yourself until you die. To fantasize and long to hold your breath until you collapse, to curl your own hands around your neck and grasp tightly until your head tingles. To long to jump from a high height and feel each and every bone snap as you collide with pavement. To have the reassurance that when you die you won't come back. That when you open your eyes you're on the other side, or the hope that none of that is real and that you're in eternal darkness with no consciousness and no sense of being.

I wished in that moment that there was no heaven, that there was no god. I wanted nothing, I hoped that my emotional pain would stop my heart and I would die there as a poetic infidel on my lovebed. I hoped that there was someone outside the window with a trained gun on my head, that person or being to take pity upon me and end my suffering. I wanted someone to hear my wails and finally listen to my pleas of death. I wanted with all my heart to die, I knew I needed to die, this suffering of life was far too much. I knew that even if I got everything I ever wanted, I would never recover from all that I had done in life. I told myself I needed to die, I screamed to God, I screamed to anyone who would listen to strike me down. I cried louder and louder, my head beginning to pound and ache.

''FUCKING KILL ME!!!!'' I screamed, and lunged from the bed and rushed towards the window,'' KILL MEEEEE!!!''

I felt as sobs escaped my lips, spit and snot flew from my face as I stumbled across the floor and threw my body halfway out the open window.

''SOMEONE KILL ME OR I'LL THROW MYSELF FROM THIS WINDOW AND DO IT MYSELF!!!!''

As I leaned out the window carelessly flaunting my body out to the night air I heard the door to my room open. I turned as footsteps approached me and gasped as I beheld Reasoning, who held a gun trained to my head.

''Thou will not kill me,'' I narrowed my eyes as tears slipped through my lips,'' you will never do something so kind to me.''

''My dear Dependant,'' Reasoning's face was stern, his usual paleness was gone, he clicked back the gun and took a deep breath,'' ask and you shall receive.''

The gun shot, I felt a searing pain in my temples, I felt as if I lost balance in the window and the sickening feeling entered my gut as I freefalled out the window. A hundred thoughts came through my head, questions, demands, answers?? I collided with the ground, and then, I felt as a weight came off my chest as my soul peeled itself from my body like the backing of a sticker.

I grumbled as I peered down at my body, crumpled up on the ground surrounded in blood. I couldn't see my own face, and turned to behold Reasoning, who was some kind of angel and flew towards me, surrounded by ten wings, five on each side.

''So, you're dead now,'' I shifted away from him as his cold hand caressed my bare shoulder,'' are you happy now.''

''I am not dead,'' I turned towards him and shuddered in my own nakedness after beholding his own,'' I want void, I want nothing.''

''You want everything don't you Dependant?'' Reasoning reached out his hands and held mine, I felt his warmth,'' this is death.''

I lunged and grabbed the skin of his neck and clenched tightly, growling as his face made no change, as if he felt no pain. I felt as tears slid down my face again, death was more painful than life in this moment, and I cursed, kicking Reasoning from my way and slamming him to the ground. And I stood above him, still clenching his neck and narrowing my eyes at his own numb eyes.

''Why Reasoning!'' I dug my knee into his gut and screamed,'' give me death after death! FUCKING STOP PLAYING GAMES WITH ME! I KNOW YOU DO NOT LOVE-''

Reasoning lifted his hand and cupped my cheek, his thumb wiped the tear from my eye and I shuddered, loosened my grip on his neck and watched as a red print of my hand formed on his now pale skin.

''I love you Dependant, I have and I always will,'' he smiled and for the first time a sickening feeling erupted into my stomach and I lurched, blood and vomit escaping my mouth.

[atlasfontaine]

But despite his father's secretivity, Dwyer knew he was differnt. He'd stare at himself in the mirror and stare at his almost yellow eyes and at his wire-like hair. He'd blink and bat his thick, long eyelashes and poke at his perfectly curved lips. He would comment to himself that he was both a beautiful and hideous creature at the same time.

He'd stare at his father, and watch as he smoked a cigarette, he'd stare at Shane's dull and dim eyes as he'd gaze, leaned over the front porch of their house. The smell of his smoke put him at ease, and helped him realize he was there.

Usually with a blanket wrapped around his shivering frame he'd walk out upon the porch, his fluffy socks getting stuck on the wood splinters. He'd prop up his shoulders beside Shane and turn to look into his eyes. Shane would turn his eyes towards Dwyer and give a slight smirk, he'd bring the can of beer to his lips and let out a long sigh.

''You feeling better Dwyer?'' He'd ask, turning to the cooler at his side and pulling out another beer and placing it on the railing beside him,'' here, drink with me.''

The corners of Dwyer's lips would curl and he'd place his hands around the cold can and feel as its coolness stung his palms. He'd pick at the lid helplessly with his delicate fingers and after enough trying Shane would take the can from his hands and open it, setting it before him once opened.

''Father,'' Dwyer opened his mouth, his frail shaking voice cut through the silence,'' why am I always so sick?''

''You were born that way,'' his father would reply.

Dwyer cupped the can and slowly brought it to his lips,'' Will I ever get better?''

Shane turned towards Dwyer, his face that strange shade of pale that told Dwyer he said something that upset him. Shane wasn't a violent man, and Dwyer was unaware that a parent would ever turn a cruel hand to their own child. But Shane stared at Dwyer, his blue eyes shaking, he swallowed and Dwyer traced the lump as it went down the man's throat.

In Shane's mind, he didn't know what he could say. He stared at his son, with a reddened tip of his nose and sunken ill eyes. It's hard for a parent to admit they didn't have the answers when their child was ill. And the guilt a parent feels when that ill child's existance was because of themselves. Shane created Dwyer, he felt he should have all the answers to his son's pain. But instead he felt as tears slid down his face without his control, and he hugged Dwyer, burying his face in the boy's shoulder and breathing in all his ill scented odor.

''I don't know if you will ever get better Dwyer,'' Shane let out a mournful sigh as he sniffed,'' but I promise, you'll be ok, you got this Dwyer.''

Dwyer didn't think much past his father's outbursts, he believed that Shane drank too much beer, or that he was naturally an emotional man. But every morning when he would awaken with a dull stomachache and a pounding headache Shane would be beside his bed with a handful of pills and a plate of breakfast which Dwyer never did eat due to his unrestful stomach.

But one day when Dwyer woke he couldn't find Shane, he tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer. In fear he called the police, and they told him to go to a man.

Dr. Evinand.

[atlasfontaine]

Entry 4: Intimacy

Perfection conceived that night, I knew as much when a month later she ran into the kitchen all aglow with that piece of plastic with two hot pink lines.

''We'll have to think of names,'' her voice came as a blur through my ears, I wanted to retch,'' oh I hope we have a little girl, don't you Loveless?''

Oh did my world begin to spin, I was in for it now whether I wanted to or not. A child? How foolish are we? A child a child a child...

My brain seemed to go black when I was under a lot of stress. The next time I opened my eyes I was seated in a bar with ten empty shot glasses and my head dizzily craned onto my shoulder as I fed myself another sip.

My vision was like that of a goldfish in a fishbowl, the more I turned my head the more the room began to swirl. Why was I here? In what state did I leave the house? Was Perfection alright?

Damn, damn, why was I thinking of her now? I felt my slowed heart begin to beat faster upon the thought of her. Why? I felt as tears began to spill from my eyes, why did I hate her so? Why was I scared of her so?

I rose from the bench I sat on and my tingling legs fell beneath me and I collapsed onto the floor, and this fall removed the numbness of my hearing and the noises blared into my head.

''Hey there,'' a familiar voice echoed into my temples,'' you alright? You took quite a fall there.''

My eyelids glinted over my eyes as I turned upwards and audibly gasped at the blonde gentleman who looked down at me. It was the man I had a dream of before my wedding, Lackluster, or whatever his name was.

He pulled me roughly to my feet and he looked concerned into my face. I think I had drank far too much, as the room still swirled like that of water in a fishbowl.

''Let's have a seat now shall we?'' I felt as he eased me onto a small couch and seated himself across from me.

''Going through lady troubles?''

My eyes widened, I felt the pit of my stomach begin to burn as he stared at me. Did he know I was so intoxicated? Why did he ask me that?

''No troubles here,'' I forced a smile to come upon my face.

Lackluster placed one leg over the other and leaned in close to me, enough to where I could smell his cologne on the base of his neck.

''I never gathered you a liar Mr. Loveless.''

Suddenly I vomited, so hard and sudden my hands were gripped onto my knees and my sides heaved as I covered the floor before me. I felt so tired, after this, I wanted to lay on the couch but Lackluster grabbed my shoulder roughly and pulled me up.

''Do you love her Loveless?'' his eyes searched my face as if he could see my very soul,'' because she damn well loves you. You were the one who proposed to her, you hate her, you hate her don't you Loveless? You blame her for being so damn likable, you blame her for liking you back. You blame her for everything but you forget to look at everything you have done to bring you to where you are today. Perfection is perfect Loveless, she's so damn perfect and you don't know how or why you were able to have her, but now you do. Now you do and you don't know what you're going to do about it. You're scared, you're so damn scared your kids will be better people than you. You're scared that one day when they're grown they'll grow out of you like old jeans, and leave you behind and prefer her. Everyone prefers her, don't they, Loveless? Don't they? If she dies you'll just be that lonely man who stands before a grave with a handful of roses and unspoken words. How pitiful Loveless, how pitiful you are.''

Lackluster rose, his eyes ablaze as he beheld me, a single tear had carved its way down my face, I had never felt more naked, or more exposed as if before both heaven and hell. My wife carries my child while I waste away getting drunk to escape my fear. I was so terrified, I wanted to tear my heart from my chest and scratch it to remove the awful itch it began to fester inside of me. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out, I felt so awfully alone as I gazed up at the man whose eyes seemed to read every thought that came into my head.

''Tell her to get rid of the baby,'' Lackluster said this sternly, his voice deepened, he placed his hand upon my shoulder and squeezed it hard,'' you know that the baby will replace you, and you'd be alone.''

It was either my delirious swirling mind or that of the festering anger that began to overtake me. Her child, our child, the child that would soon take over my wife's love and kindness towards me. I wished that it would be gone. But the more I thought this the more I felt like an awful and terrible individual and less like that of a confident man and that of a writhing tail that fell from a frightened lizard.

How could I at some future instant become a father if I had wished at one point my child to be dead? Could I truly say ''I love you'' to a child who upon learning of their conception I wished that they would not exist in fear of a replacement of their mother's love?

Oh, how much I hated the man that sat before me, his glistening eyes read my face, he smiled, he dared to smile in my direction as the pit of my stomach began to swirl once again. The smell of my vomit began to burn the hairs from the inside of my nose and raised the hairs that lined my spine.

''It's all your damn fault!'' I lunged towards him, stumbling over the small coffee table that stood between us and blindly reached towards him, grazing the collar of his blazer as he rose to his feet.

''You're not ready for a child Loveless,'' his face danced as if he enjoyed seeing my exasperated face,'' and, you were never ready for a wife.''

I released him and he stepped back, correcting himself. He brushed his shirt with his hands and turned on his heel, waving at me without turning back.

[atlasfontaine]

Entry 3: Perfection

Perfection was always the motherly sort, and would constantly comment on how and who our future children would be. Yes, she would comment on many, she couldn't settle on only one.

I would react with a smile to her wishes, and attempt to put in my own ideas, but my heart wasn't really into it. Sensing my own disinterest I could sense her joy on the subject begin to wayne and she would silence herself.

After a while she never mentioned children again, and I didn't think much into the topic and with a selfish thought I began to believe she had moved on from the childish idea of having children. This I had grown to recollect was not so.

Intimacy proved unfruitful, as my heart wasn't into it. And it would end with the two of us half clothed on the edges of each of our collected sides of the bed, quietly dressing into our night clothes without a word. I never noticed before but now I remember the tears she would shed as I would try to fall asleep. It was quiet, painful, and although irritating I said not a word as I began to dream.

And in my dreams I would imagine life if we did have a child. Maybe our first would be a son, maybe a daughter. Oh Perfection would glow with a child, she treated me like one enough, perhaps it was her calling.

I recollected our dates before marriage, I remember specifically saying that I wanted a family, and I remembered how her eyes shone such joy upon hearing those words.

''OH Loveless! Oh I would want nothing more than to start a family with you!'' she had reached over the table and placed her palm over my hand and I could see the edges of her eyes well with happy tears,'' oh I wonder who the children would look like more...''

Perhaps it was her expression or how much planning she put into the idea of children that set me off. And frankly, I had rudely forgotten such a discussion until this exact moment as my consciousness floated between sleep and consciousness.

I felt as Perfection turned over and grabbed my shoulder lightly and began to shake me. I opened my eyes and turned over, her face streaked with tears.

''Do you not want a family with me Loveless?''

I began to bite at my inner lip as she spoke and gazed into her deep eyes as her cold hands cupped my face.

''I do,'' I lied.

''Tonight,'' Perfection's cheeks turned rosey,'' I want to do it tonight.''

I sat up, and her eyes followed my every move, I felt my heart beat faster and I could hear it in my ears. Now? Of all nights I had heard her mourn my celibacy the most she demanded this now?

Perhaps women desire broken men, for this was what I believed as she progressed to me, cupping my face in her hands and kissing me strongly as if this action would make me feel lust. I felt my chest ache as her hands searched my body, I felt anxious and lightheaded as she did so, my eyes must have expressed discomfort but in her longings to have a child she did not make time to notice my own unease.

In this moment I festered a disgusting thought, that she had only wanted me to father her child. A child she would grow to love more than my own loveless self. I felt my legs tremble and shake as if in fear as she began to take off her clothes, there was a smile upon her face.

I placed my hand upon my chest, damn, it hurt, it actually hurt. Was I scared? Was I actually truly scared of her? She turned to me and her eyes seemed to dance.

''Are you ready Loveless?''

[atlasfontaine]

Entry 2: Loveless

If you were to ask me why I love Perfection I could not give you an accurate answer. Yes, she was beautiful, thoughtful, kind, always there, she knew exactly what to say to put my heart at ease. Yet I trembled at the sight of her, I grimaced as she gathered my hand in hers, I froze as soon as she rested her head upon my shoulder.

In her smile my numb expression would gaze back. And it grieved me that I could not return at least half of what she gave me. In her joy I returned pain, and in her light I became the darkness. She loved me and I begged for an answer as to why. Was it my depression she found such solitude in?

I loved her as a friend, but I didn't know how to know a lover when they came around. I don't think I did or ever will know what a lover is. Is it a friend you hold hands with, hang out for an extra bit of time? Is it that one friend you promise to only engage in intimacy with? What is a lover besides a friend that demands all attention? An exhausting amount that left me gasping for air at her leave, and collapsed on my bed with my arm over my eyes blocking out all the light.

Am I cursed to be loveless? Be a soul with a deep longing for love, but as soon as I receive it I become terrified of it. The face I would look to for comfort and lust turns into a panic inducing face of torment. In grief I turn and throw away my only source of comfort as if leaving me with nothing will give me hope of something.

But Perfection would gaze into my lifeless eyes and embrace me, she loved me, she would remind me of why. She said that I was funny, that deep inside my broken and unsilenced heart that there was something bright and colorful that she said everyone else could see but myself.

This, and this alone is what truly made me fall in love, for the color she would describe to me is what I saw in her.

She had long curly blonde hair that bounced and swished with each step she made. Us both in our early twenties we childishly brought up the idea of having children of our own after our very premature marriage.

She clung to me, her arms always wrapped around my own, and when I would look into her direction her beaming smile and bright brown eyes would gaze back into mine.

She brought me solace, and I confided with her all of my deepest and horrid thoughts and she would respond with what I could collect was love and care.

And as I would collect her love and joy, I felt what I prayed and hoped was my own color returning. And in her love and joy we would spend our nights akin to the best of friends, huddled on our couch with our arms around each other, simply soaking in the other's essence.

[atlasfontaine]

Entry 1: Lackluster, Loveless, Perfection

''I am sorry I am not able to love you as much as you love me.''

I whisper this to myself, more often than I can account for. These words materialize and bring me to my knees in grief. I do not understand the concept of romantic love nor do I know if I want it.

I love, to the point of death, I love to make others feel loved, but I do not love for myself. I would die for those I love, I would cry for those I love, I will always be there for those who I love, but I cannot throw my life to the ones I love. I cannot love to the point of marriage, and I cannot give my whole self to only one person.

Is it wrong to feel this way? Is there a break in my ability of perception? If thou wilt allow it I shall love you all the days of my life. But my heart is also with another. I do not want romantic love, I do not understand romantic love.

Is romantic love the second step in a platonic love? A friendship with the allowance of holding hands and kissing lips? If that is so, what is wrong with kissing the cheek of a friend? Holding the hand of a close one, or even holding close a friend you love.

Why should I lock my heart from others to be close to one? I never quite grasped the relation of love. I find life more romantic alone, with myself.

Who desires one who may turn against you? Who desires one who may die and leave you alone? Who desires someone whose lifeline is so closely connected to yours?

Their words are sweet as honey, their love is so colorful, but I sit here in melancholy and grief. I am very much aware that I do not have the ability to give back the love they give me. It grieves me, but I am unable. They smile, they cling, they love. And yet I stare in quietude and loneliness.

They tell me that I make them happy and that they will never leave, while I silently wish they would. I wish that they would find someone else, someone more worthy of the love they pour onto me.

As the love pours over my heart it sticks the veins together, it strains me, it grieves me, and above all else it hurts, with an unbearable amount of pain I long to shred myself from. I throw away the one I love, for their love has spoiled them, their time is overrun. I tremble upon the sight of their face, I cry in the silence of their remembrance.

I wish not to have them know, if they know I believe they would be grieved, and their grief will grieve me. Like a spiral it overwhelms me, thrusts me into an oblivion as my mind breaks as the noise within shatters it.

I fall, placing my feet onto solid ground, this solitude is my home, the silence is my keeper. I lose my balance as the color from my face fades, I collapse onto the ground, finally the quietude engulfs me.

''Hello, are you alright?''

I blink, there's a strong pressure on my chest, I close my eyes again.

''No no, come back here,'' I feel a harsh slap across my face and my eyes bulge open as I sit up suddenly, and turn to look into the face of a thin blond haired man with an open faced grin.

''Who are you?'' I ask.

''Why, I am Lackluster,'' he places his hands on my shoulders and feeling my irate energy his face drops and he releases me, glancing around and fiddling his fingers.

I groan as I lean forward, resting my head into the palm of my hand. I take a slow breath as I close my eyes. I try to remember what happened before, but my mind only draws a blank.

The grin upon the blonde man only grows as his eyes trace my own. He kneels down before me and grabs tightly onto my wrist.

''Don't you remember? Today is your wedding, Loveless.''

The color dropped from my face, my blood felt like it was running backwards. Before I could attest I found myself standing in a church, an arm around my own, my shoulder awkwardly pressed into a woman's chest.

Trembling, I turned my head, and beads of sweat slid down my face as I turned to the woman at my side, her eyes turned towards me and upon seeing my face a smile came upon her round and cheery face.

''That is Perfection,'' Lackluster's voice echoes through my head,'' she is to become your wife.''

My body only began to uncontrollably shake, and I gritted my teeth as they began to chatter. I felt an ache in my jaw as I held my mouth closed. The collar of my dress-shirt felt tight, uncomfortably so. Perfection held my arm uncomfortably tight, a whirring went through my ears as my legs curled beneath me. I let out an uncomfortable cry akin to pain as I lurched forward suddenly, surprising even myself.

A thousand gasps entered my ears from the large number of people behind us, thoughts and voices blended into one and I felt as Perfection slowly eased me to the ground as I began to shake.

I gazed weakly at the ceiling as I felt hands grab my shoulders and shake me, but I was strangely numb, I turned only my eyes towards Perfection, damn, was she perfect. And in this strange delirium I began to ponder on why I trembled so. Maybe I was ill, perhaps in some strange poetic way I was dying. But she stared down at me brushing her hair from her face. She seemed to be calling out my name.

But the voices dulled out as I passed out.

[atlasfontaine]

TW: Vomit, sickness

And I began to hate Lewis for this, I hated him for being so damn likable.

So as I promised, I snuck out in the dead of night with an overcoat and rushed through the dead city and back into the alleyway. I amazed myself at how I remembered how to get to the nearly fallen apartment and made my way up the stairs and knocked upon the door. 

It creaked open and Lewis, with puffy and almost sickly eyes, looked up at me and muttered.

''A little late for choking one out don't you think?''

I grinned, his darkened humor took away all the dread that climbed into my heart, and like a breath of opium he filled me with delirious desires, and I stared at him with a sparkle that climbed into my eyes. 

''I married her, Lewis! I married her!''

''Congratulations my dear William,'' he climbed slowly around the door and blinked hazily,'' so, why are you here?''

''Aren't you happy to see me?''

''Frightfully so William, if I didn't have a fever I'd order you to make love to me right now. Alas, I'm weak with delirium, and I have a headache. Do come visit tomorrow.''

He began to close the door but I held it open and gave a frightful grin,'' Please do not joke as such Lewis. Do you love me? Am I just like the other men you see? Am I different from them? I could swear you were about to admit your love to me on the first day we met, was I imagining things Lewis?''

''Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't,'' Lewis closed his eyes as if our interaction annoyed him,'' it's dangerous to seduce a married man. They'll take my head. The people already hate me.''

''How could anyone hate you Lewis?'' I saw his brow raise and he turned towards me and scoffed.

''S'pose they don't like roses.''

''Suppose they don't like the way you dance along the streets laying kisses on unsuspecting people.''

''Touche,'' his lips curled deviously and his eyes glimmered,'' I have changed my mind, do come in, I'm feeling quite frisky right about now.''

He opened the door and I strode in slowly and as soon as Lewis closed the door I could hear his stomach gurgle sickly and he covered his mouth with his hand and suddenly relieved himself in a bucket that rested beside his bed.

''Some of my customers have no care, they come in and spread their illnesses,'' Lewis wiped his mouth and feverishly slid back into his bed and watched as I came up to his bedside, and when I did the acrid smell of vomit burned my nose.

''Shouldn't you see a doctor?'' I wheezed as a sickly odor took over the air, Lewis pulled out a flask and gulped hardily.

''Then I wouldn't have an excuse to get blackout drunk,'' his pale cheeks flushed red as he drank eagerly, after this he pointed wearily to the drawer,'' hand me the bottle of champagne.''

''I don't know if you're ill or just drunk,'' I walked to the drawer and opened it, realizing that it held at least ten bottles. I turned towards him quickly and his face grinned in guilty laughter.

''It helps with all sorts of pain William,'' Lewis laid on his side and rested his head into his hands and smiled,'' if you drink enough everything goes black, you're finally free.''

''A tempting proposition for you perhaps.''

''For anyone who wants to die without the fear of death.''

I turned towards him and pulled the cork off the bottle and brought it to my own lips and gulped it blindly, and felt as its effects numbed my veins, and my own face turned red as I continued gulping. I could feel Lewis look at me in both confusion and awe. I took the bottle from my lips and took a deep breath and grinned.

''Do you want to know how much I paid for that,'' Lewis's mouth dropped and he reached for it,'' hand it over.''

I handed it to him and he finished it off. His pupils seemed to take over his whole eyes as he stared at me.

''I feel about to retch.''

''I would too if I were ill and drank all of that.''

He grinned behind his pale lips and looked up at me with dazed eyes, he leaned and reached for me, but slipped from his bed and collapsed to the ground before me.

I kneeled down to help him but he only began to laugh, and he lurched, vomiting again into the bucket at his side. He continued to laugh.

''Oh William,'' he huffed, wiping his lips and turning towards me,'' you're so beautiful in the candlelight.''

''As are you,'' I blurted out. And in my own delirium I helped him sit up and wiped the remaining vomit from his lips and gazed into his befuddled eyes. He grinned, and reached up to me like a child and I lifted him into my arms and dropped him onto his cot, and stood over him with my arms at each of his sides as he laid, with his legs folded off the side of the bed.

''You shouldn't touch me,'' he began to cough as his face flushed red,'' you'll catch this awful pestilence as well.''

''I would never take advantage of a sick man,'' I replied, leaned down and rested my head on his bosom,''  I'm better than that.''

''You're right,'' Lewis's voice mumbled,'' you're a good man William. A true heart of gold,'' his arms held me closer, and he buried his face in my shoulder,'' do not take me as crude, but you smell like the way a true man smells, William.''

''And you, like roses, Lewis.''

''Is that a kind way to tell me I'm feminine to you?''

''It's my way of telling you that, perhaps, in some kind of god awful way, that I want to take you in with all of my senses. I want to hold your form, see your radiant face, hear your soft voice, smell your scent of roses, and taste your lips.''

''So you do want to take advantage of a sick man.''

''No, for now Lewis I want to hold you, I won't leave until you fall asleep. I fear what hideous amount of alcohol you will drink while awake.''

Lewis laughed, pulled himself more upon the bed and I followed him. He eased himself into the sheets and I laid on top, holding him in my arms, his face nestled in my chest. He was so small, so fragile at this moment, I could feel his body shaking as a fever wracked his veins. His stomach gurgled, and his body was so broiling hot. I laid with him for a long while until his breathing became quiet and he failed to respond to my mutterings. I prepared a water basin for him, and placed a cold rag upon his head. I went to the door and opened it, turning to smile at Lewis. I closed the door and headed back towards my own dwellings, a pop of color came upon my vision seeing Lewis and holding him had rekindled my energy, and I couldn't wait to see him again.

[atlasfontaine]

And All Of These Were Me

The first thing I remember was the sensation of cold as a drop of dew fell upon my eyelid, as soon as my face twitched, I felt as it slid down my face like that of a tear. As the metaphorical tear slid down my face it awakened the nerves as it coursed down my cheek, and at last absorbed into the collar of my shirt.

I could feel my lungs rise and fall as I breathed unconsciously, but as soon as I began to realize I paid attention to my breaths, and felt as the air traveled through my veins awakening every limb it touched. Soon I felt my whole body and twitched as my eyelids glowed with a red hue. I had never seen color before, or I didn't quite recall.

As I slowly opened my eyes another drop of dew fell from the soft light green plant which stood above my face, this time the drop landed upon my lips, and instinctively I licked it with my tongue. It tasted like that of earthen soil, but I didn't know why I had thought that this was the taste I had tasted.

Soothing sounds surrounded me, and I was calmed by the solitude of it all. I lifted a hand to my face and stared at it for a long while, until I soon realized that what I was looking at was connected to me. I laid back down again, and felt as small rocks made me itch in discomfort. I sat up in a small fit, and began to feel a sound bubble in the back of my throat.

''Aaaaa,'' I paused, did that come from me?

''AAAAAAAH!'' I screamed louder, and it seemed to echo.

My legs were curled underneath me like the front legs of a baby fawn, and I fell forward, catching myself with my hands. I shifted my arms as my palms began to ache by my weight and I fell, landing face first into the soft grass which surrounded me. I laid in a dazed childlike wonder at the bright blades of soft youthful grass. The warmth of the sun spread upon my back, and it slowly began to lull me to sleep. I felt as ever so slowly my veins tingled as a strange and sudden discomfort overtook me.

I fell upon my side, swatting my hand like that of a cat as I murmured through the grass. The pain cascaded through my insides, like a flame to a forest it overtook me, it engulfed me until I gave out a loud scream in pain. I felt as the flames that erupted through my insides dissolved and rested as a weight upon my heart which began to beat swiftly within my chest.

At this moment my childlike innocence fled like that of a fawn freshly upon its hooves. And I rose to my feet as human thoughts entered my mind. I became a being, I became what I believed to be the single soul being of myself. With my new thoughts came a conscience, and with language I obtained a mind. I stared at the large white wall which stood before me, entangled in greenery and vines which housed pure white flowers.

A pounding in the back of my skull told me to rest my hand upon the golden slate which was hung in the center of the wall. Upon contact with my hand the wall moved inward, revealing a long shadowed hall and I progressed inside, my steps casting echoes which vibrated through my ears.

I turned my head around as I took in my surroundings. A white memorial wall surrounded by lavish gardens. The roof, a thick layer of vines and greenery to shield away the sun. And so when I turned towards the wall I was met face to face with a portrait of a face. He was a young gentleman with piercing blue eyes and long curls of blonde. A soft button nose which exposed his youth, and a soft delicate chin, with rose blushed round cheeks. His lips were curved into a slight grin as he stared off at me through the portrait. His eyes played with a devious intelligence and an almost haughty appearance shook my core.

As my eyes frayed from his gaze they fell upon the plaque that sat beneath such portrait.

'' Lord Haben Michalase: Died at the young age of twenty-two ''

Suddenly I heard footsteps to my right and I turned, there he was, Haben himself. I felt my lips part upon seeing him, and my eyes curiously gaze at his face which appeared terrified and worried. He turned towards me and gazed up and down. His blue eyes filling with tears as he paced, without a word he turned around and around, as if looking for an exist.

'' Stop playing tricks,'' he muttered and began to bite at his nails as he cowered,'' someone, give me an answer, where am I?'' He turned and looked at me, his large round eyes trembling as he fiddled his teeth around his nail, his finger began to bleed.

[atlasfontaine]

The Quietude Of Silence

In the account of the silence of the whispers of my waning heart, the moments of silence are what drives the metamorphosis of the undying requiem of desire into the unbelief of ancestral pain.

If this was to be our final stop, a desire to make all things correct and untamed, will they silence our time and hope to require the sustainability of our longing and quietude?

I will walk through this forest of unbelief and silence in a sense of uncomfortable conscience in my own moments of these seconds that pass much like hours of years of torment. If my heart had a voice it would be worn out already, it would die in the blanket of snow and freeze solid like a rock in a crevice, and laugh in the iniquity of death.

Does silence have a voice? Does it smile in its misbelief? A voice void of sound and a mind with lack of punctuation. It reaches, with its long arms around me, its eyes dance in the twilight and it sticks to me like tentacles and sucks the life from the wounds it inflicts.

Silence has a voice, and its voice is death a hundred times over, it sucks and slurps the life from my veins. Like a vampire it drinks the blood from my bones, it squeezes the life from my heart and leaves me decapitated, longing for a head. My body writhes in disbelief. It moans in deathlike accountancy and screams for liberation from the lovecraftian monster that destroyed it.

The tentacles search, writhing in the black mud which houses them. Its true body is never found, its death is never accounted for, and nobody knows who created it. If silence had a voice my cries would be it. I run, fall, slip into oblivion, a moment of ecstasy is thus. The oblivion holds my soul and kisses its lips. For a moment of denied pain I lunge towards the mud and grasp tightly onto the hand of my oppressor. The mud writhes, screams and lunges, breaking the forest in its embrace.

The trees fall as I hold the hand, the sky writhes in colors and sounds as I turn my delirious eyes towards it. If this is hell, it is my home. The monster is my captor and the monster is my giver. If peace is found through trials, I have found all the peace I need.

The blackened trees fall, and the monster rises from the mud, it's head covered in twitching and grief filled eyes. Its large mouth opens and a tentacle-like tongue spills forth wrapping itself around my neck.

As the trees fall the sun begins to pour into my forest, and the creature screams in apparent pain, its tongue wraps tighter around my neck.

I gaze helplessly at the sky, its warmth filling my eyes. I feel the sun soak up my face, I feel the silence overcome my grief. The silence gains a voice, it materializes as a pain deep in my chest. I grab the tongue of the creature.

''Who are you?'' my eyes search for its large and watery eyes as it writhes in pain, the rays of sun leaving blisters upon its sticky flesh body.

The creature only howls in reply, and lunges, throwing me from its grasp. I fly through the air until I fall into a puddle of sludge. 

For a while I lay, silenced and gasping for air to return to my damaged lungs. I gaze at the sky through the black leaves of the trees, I stare past their darkness and into the bright blue sky behind them. I reach up, wanting to touch its peace and tranquility.

As soon as I reach the sky is again blanketed by dark leaves, and the light of the sky is nowhere to be seen. I slowly rise to my feet, and touch my neck and wince as I notice as the monster limps towards me, it's eyes blinking in no particular order, all freakishly large, and all equally full of grief.

''Are you like me?'' I muster these words and approach the beast, and stare into its grotesque face,'' do you long for the sky?''

The obnoxious blinking put me into a trance as the large beast lowered its head and closed its eyes as it rests the top of its head upon my chest, I wrap my arms around it.

''We are alone,'' an echoing voice fills my head,'' nobody will understand us, we are cursed to this forest forever. Does thou tremble in pain of our own demise? Do you long for the silence? I run to my oppressor which is you, I try to rip the life from you, and yet you always return. Grieve for me foolish human, mourn for a beast such as I, cry for my humanity that once was. I mourn for the life I should have been given, I scream in the night and nobody answers. I want to run on legs like I used to before I was cursed to this abhorrent forest. Grieve for me human, grieve for the years I spent in torment, the years my body shifted from human to monster. Whisper into my ear thou human, pull my eyes from my head and kill me, show me the hatred I have for myself. Do not tempt me with your love, do not tempt me with your kindness, for I hate you. I hate you for your form, I hate you for your eyes, your lips, your body. I hate you for all of your doings because I am jealous of you. Does thou not understand human? I demand you to kill me and I can hear your heartbeat inside you, I can feel your peace as it flows through my veins. You are forgiving, you are kind, and all I want is to silence you, I want to rip your limbs from your body and make them my own. DOES THOU HATE ME HUMAN!? DON'T YOU WANT TO KILL ME! I LONG FOR IT HUMAN, THOU MUST KILL ME!''

I open my eyes, and the eyes of the creature open as well. All of their eyes reflected torment, far more than my own. 

''If thou longs for death, you should ask for it from the sky.''

The eyes widen, and it turns them to the black leaves which shield the sky from view, and with a lunge the creature breaks through the tree canopy and the trees begin to fall. In a circle they surround me and I stand in their center. I see the creature, black as night as it soars over the sky, spreading dark mud where it flies. It howls as the sun burns its delicate flesh and as its large array of eyes trace me I watch as it burns underneath the sun and falls apart in chunks around me and the burnt flesh writhes in the dirt. 

At last the decapitated head falls at my feet and I watch as the mouth writhes in uncontrollable screaming. I kneel and rest my hand upon it.

''Ah, happy are you thou pitiful beast.'' I lay a kiss upon its slimy squid like head,'' are you finally pleased with your choice?''

It groans and bubbles as its neck is submerged in the mud it came from. The eyes hang in half open delirium. I watch as it decomposes before me, releasing a disgusting odor as it does, and leaves behind a golden chest covered in mud.

I fall upon the chest and break the lock, I begin to hear a cry from inside. I lift the lid and am met with the face of an innocent baby girl. Her dark eyes dance, she reaches up as I collect her into my arms. 

''I am sorry Alicia,'' I lay a kiss upon her forehead,'' I promise this time, I shall not allow you to turn into such a hideous beast.''

As I walk through the forest and emerge into the light I shield my eyes as the sun stings my pupils, it has been so long since I last set food in the brightness. I raise my head to the farmhouse before me and feel my lip quivering as I look down at the baby in my arms.

I'm not ready to watch her die again.

[atlasfontaine]

Alas, I Cannot Write What I Do Not Know

I had dwelt in peace in the solitude of my confinement, my prison was my home, and my shackles were glittering gems of jewelry. If I were a martyr for my unquieted rage and solace I would have been burned at the stake with a hymn on my tongue.

Instead, the stake was my own beating heart, and the flames were the tears that spilled from my eyes. If a lackluster benevolence could take pity on me, to allow myself to hold the hand of my benefactor and cry into the shoulder of an imagined beauty I would then lay in the peace of death. The belief that death could overtake what was lost inside of me was a pity that none had the ability to take from me. I held onto this belief, until it bore into my swollen hands and burned holes into my palms. 

I would carry this molten lava to my bedside and raise it as I prayed, wincing as it dripped from my melted palms and bore holes into my face. It burned my eyes, it stung my nose, and cut deep into my trembling flesh.

I said nay a word of my dilemma and bore this as a fate of my uncomfortable, silent sins which I believed I was cursed to carry. The pain was my religion, and my silent tears were a remembrance of my devious and evil self. 

If devious were wishing to be left alone, and to be seen as something that was ''kind'' or ''just'' I would have been struck down by heaven itself and cast into the pit of hell. I needed not wish for such a sacred gift, nor to see the face of God to believe in the existence of him.

Such a person, walking blindly through the existence of faith and lack of love to oneself I pray would find one befitting of their grief to take some kind of pity. And thus this was the result, a form of saint bent over backwards with a stake through the heart. Raised into the air by their own knife they made no form or seem to want to release themselves, and instead the splinters of the wood slid into the skin and festered infection while they slid down the stake until their body hit earth.

Through their tears I could see reflected, the words of their prayers, and the pain to them was the payment for their sin. Not a word of complaint, and nay a whisper of grief. Their eyes gazed towards heaven, and the tears slipped from the corners of their elongated eyes. Their lips formed unspoken words, to which I had taken was their words of thanks to their god.

If thankfulness was accepting this form of cruel punishment, why did they still lay in agony as their blood surrounded them? Did not their god accept their apology and release them? Nay, they laid, for days, some months, without rest nor food and whispered their prayers and shed their tears until their final breath.

In pain and anguish they raised their trembling hands and whispered their hymns in their own tongue. It sounded ominous, like an organ in a forgotten church, and this sound still echoes through my aching ears akin to the time I had first heard it. In remembrance the echoes bring an ache into my chest, and the feeling of a hand, salty with sweat, resting his palm against my bleeding heart.

What did these people gain? I wondered to myself as I walked through what I liked to call the saint's burial ground. If a god found it fit to torture his followers in such a cruel way, I found no need of a god for myself. And would rekindle this idea at every visit to these poor unfortunate beings who reached their arms to heaven and cried out that they could see a god smiling down at them.

Thus, the moment was this. Their eyes would turn towards me as I walked through their field, and I'd stand in the center of their grounds, a clearing where the sun always beamed through and I'd gaze up towards heaven. I saw nay a thing, nothing, void.

The sky to me was a hue of blue with on occasion white clouds which in moments would overtake the sky or leave it open. Today at this moment, the sky stood motionless void of anything, or any kind of mortal emotion. And thus I mocked it, and I laughed at the saints who laid with a stake in their chest. And I began to laugh, until my fit made my own chest hurt. And when I realized that I mocked the very sky I laughed harder, in a delirious form of mockery at the festering bodies which began to house flies and maggots and reeked like hell incarnate.

The people continued to raise their arms and cry out that they saw a man in heaven. And so after my fit I turned and marched over towards the most animated being whose eyes traced my every step. These people had dull faces, large uncanny elongated eyes, and nubbed fingers, they weren't human, I knew that as much. A human would have human emotions, and human thoughts, and wouldn't subject themselves to the grief of another, much less a god, humans were too selfish for that. 

And thus, I had walked up to one, cautiously, as I was commanded not to and peered down into his eyes, his dull cloudy white eyes which gazed back and caused me to fester enough confusion and anger to demand the very sanctity and reasoning of the galaxy and why it was even created. I wanted to know everything at this moment.

But he stared, and his eyes read my emotions. He smiled, and his arms laid to his side as face read mine. A pitiful grin came across his face.

''Do you mock us?''

''I do,'' I replied,'' you're pitiful creatures, you pierce your hearts with stakes and lay upon the ground for a god nobody can see but yourselves. A god you can't see unless you suffer for him. I don't understand? What do you gain? What do you desire? You're overtaking the land! Your appearance would scare the common people and we can't continue keeping you a secret. Why? Why do you lay on the ground and beg for heaven?''

His face curled into a smile and he licked his lips as he began to reply.

''Do you not understand us?'' I watched as with each breath he took oozes of blood escaped from his wound, his eyes, his lips, his nose,'' we are seeking forgiveness that we know we will never receive.''

''Then why-''

My eyes caught a large brightness and I paused, turned, and beheld around me a vision of heaven. The sky was open, and thus each stake was guarded by a being with six wings. They all stared at me, as if they knew that at this moment I could see them. Their faces were inhuman, even more unsettling than those before, and I felt alone, so very alone as if I was the only human left on earth.

This was my answer, and as if a voice whispered into my head they were demons, waiting and nearly begging for some kind of redemption they will never receive. The heaven they stared at looked down at them and seemed to push the stakes further into their chests, and one by one they died, slowly, painfully, their lips quivered with apologies for things that they were simply born into. They were apologizing for their own birth.

I, you may ask. I watched, in silence and in quivering fear. I saw their souls as they sunk into the earth to what I could only imagine was hell. They died, every last one. And in this delirium I felt a sort of ache in my own chest. 

I turned my face to heaven, and thus I saw it close, the angels ascending and then, like a scroll, it sealed up. And I was alone, standing in a form of shaking delirium as I took in all that I had seen. The cloud that was over my eyes lifted and I saw the field for what it was. A battleground full of blood and bodies, and I was standing, weighed down by my pack full of guns and ammo. 

Whatever battle took place here I had forgotten, and I felt my chest heave as if it didn't want to breathe air. My pack shoved me off my feet and I landed face first into the dirt. For a while I stared as my vision grew and faded, my face next to one of the deceased, I read his face and took it as my own. His grief was mine, if he was a demon so was I. Who was I to be any different?

I felt as my heart pulsed and weakened, pumping thick blood through my veins. Before I closed my eyes accepting this defeat I felt my body become turned over and shouts and screams sounded muffled as they came through my ears. My glasses that rested on the bridge of my nose felt so heavy, as with the buttons on my dress shirt, I winced as they dug through my skin. Everything gave me a sense of pain or feeling and it was overwhelming to feel so much. 

I was lifted from the ground and I felt a weight come off my leg and watched in dizzy agony as the bottom half of my leg slid out from the bottom of my pants and I took in a wavering breath through my mouth and clawed at the arms which took me up. 

I was confused, anxious, and for a while I knew not where I was. And I wanted in these painful delirious moments that I may die, and fade like those angels had, and go up into the scroll of heaven. And die like those demons, and those demons raged through my head, until it all faded into black. And I mourned in this silence, for it was not quiet. The darkness became my rage, and my rage only brought me pain.

[atlasfontaine]

TW: Blood, broken bones

I awoke with a groan, my lungs felt heavy and my body ached. I was submerged in greenery and vines. The side of my head was bleeding as I peeled it from the tree I must've fallen into. I lifted my hand to touch my head but the pain of doing so sent a chill down my spine. I felt as tears slid down my face and the shaking and trembling of the fear came back. I was scared, I didn't know how long I was out, if my sister was safe, if any of my limbs were broken. 

I began to try to move my legs but I had to repress a scream, my one leg was almost twisted backwards and the cracking sound it made as I tried to move it caused me to feel nauseous. The pain was so immense it caused me to fall back into the greenery and begin to sob. But the sobbing only made my lungs heave and I began to cough, hacking up chunks of blood and phlegm. 

I wondered if Genesis was alright, and my mind reeled with what I had encountered. If it really was a robotic spider, was there more? I turned my trembling eyes to my right and realized I had rolled at least one hundred feet from the house. I felt my chest churn as I wondered how I would get up, if I would even live.

''H-HELP ME!'' I screamed, followed by my harsh coughing which only caused me to scream out in agony. I bit my tongue in an effort to stop, but only winced as my mouth filled with blood.

But my cries weren't for naught, I heard footsteps running towards my direction and I lifted my arm to attract attention. I closed my eyes as I used all my effort to hold my arm up, and suddenly I felt a warm human hand grab mine and slowly lower my arm back down.

''What happened?'' my eyes burst open at the voice, it couldn't be.

''R-raelynn?'' I winced as I opened my eyes and looked up at the young girl whose face was stained in black mascara. I noticed how she tried to wipe it off, and the whites of her eyes glowed behind her smeared face. She looked like she wanted to slap me. 

''Where's Genesis?'' 

''Gennie went to look for help and food,'' Raelynn narrowed her eyes as she scanned my body with her eyes,'' your leg looks broken.''

''I think it is,'' I tried to move it again and screamed as the cracking sound filled the small area we occupied.

''Definitely broken,'' Raelynn spoke as if she knew everything, and I was worried that she was going to touch it in an attempt to fix it. I glared harshly at her.

''I'm not stupid,'' she narrowed her eyes,'' I don't know how to fix it.''

''Good...'' the words slipped uncomfortably off my lips as my brain seemed to slosh inside my head,'' Is Genesis all on her own?''

''Yeah.''

''Do we have anyway to communicate with her?''

Raelynn pulled her pink phone from her pocket and typed in Genesis's number and after the fourth ring I could hear Genesis's voice.

''Did you find my brother Rae?''

''Yes, he's right here.''

She placed the phone on my chest and I breathed heavily before I began to speak.

''Genesis,'' I huffed,'' are you alright?''

''Yeah, are you?''

I paused before I continued,'' I think my leg is broken.''

Raelynn snatched the phone back.

''He looks like shit Gennie.''

She turned around her fanny pack and fumbled through it and pulled out some gauze and rubbing alcohol.

''He's got blood caked on his head,'' she poured some rubbing alcohol on the gauze and began to wipe away the blood,'' a small cut, it's not bleeding anymore.''

I winced as Raelynn scrubbed my face rather harshly, holding her phone with one hand and scrubbing my face with the other.

''His leg is badly broken, looks twisted, but it isn't bleeding.''

Genesis made no exact answer, just a slight, mhm.

''Did you find anyone yet?''

''No, but the starbucks is abandoned, I'm going to make us some.''

I listened intently onto the phone call. Scared that at any moment I'd hear a scream from my little sister and she'd be swept away. It was an awful thought, and it made it all the more worse that my body continued to shake even after I tried to convince myself to be calm.

Raelynn had now completed wiping my face and placed a pink bandage over the small cut I inherited from the tree. She gave me a dirty look as she progressed to toss the used gauze into the grass.

''Genesis, are you still there.''

''Yeah.''

''You don't see anyone who can help? Because I know that the two of us can't snap his leg back in place.''

''There's nobody Rae.''

Raelynn gave me a worried expression. But I could only summon a chuckle while looking at her. Her air around her was insistent that she was mature and cool and dare I even say capable. Yet, her hair was now unkempt and her face appeared covered in soot due to the running mascara.

''Hey sis,'' I could feel my lungs get heavy and the words came out of my mouth awkward and strained,'' can you grab Rae some makeup remover, she might scare everyone away.''

''Yeah.''

''Are you ok Genesis?''

''Yeah...''

I could hear a sniffle, and the shaking of ice and liquid from the phone.

''Are you crying while making coffee Gennie?''

''Yeah...''

I felt a weight on my chest as I heard the pain in Genesis's voice.

''It's ok Genesis, we'll be ok.''

''Yeah...''

Me and Raelynn shared a worried glance and I could hear the pouring of liquid on the phone.

''I'm on my way,'' Genesis's voice sounded through the phone,'' can you guys stay on the phone with me?''

''Of course,'' Raelynn and I said in unison.

We said nothing after this, I could just hear Genesis's footsteps on the phone and the pounding in my head began to subside. The throbbing in my leg kept in time with Genesis's steps, I felt my heartbeat slow, a bead of sweat slipped down my cheek.

The sun was now bright as the morning had passed and its warmth overtook me, the summer air and the warmth began to lull me to sleep and I began to close my eyes.

''Anthony!'' Raelynn turned to me and narrowed her eyes,'' stay awake, I'm scared.''

''Is he alright?'' Genesis yelled.

''I'm alright,'' I tried to comfort them,'' I'm just tired.''

As soon as I said this I began to feel concerned. I was abnormally drowsy, was I bleeding still? I tried to sit up but I cried out in pain.

''Anthony, stay still,'' Raelynn glared at me.

I fell back down and let out a sigh, it felt like with every breath I was breathing in ether, the air was thick and warm and the greenery held me like a blanket.

''Just give me two minutes,'' I felt my eyelids slip over my eyes,'' I just need a minute-''

I had never fallen asleep so suddenly before, everything turned back, and it felt like my being was being pulled to the center of the earth. It was dark and thoughtless although, at times it felt like I was still awake as strange as that sounded. It was one of those deep healing sleeps that your body forces you in when you're sick. 

I awoke to Raelynn roughly shaking me and screaming into my face.

''Unghhh Raelynn stop.''

Little stars began to pop in my vision and I watched them as they flew from my sight. I took a deep breath and gave Raelynn a smile to assure her I was alright.

''Is he awake?'' Gennie's voice echoed through my ears. I could tell she was crying.

''Yeah,'' Raelynn replied,'' he's awake.''

''I'm almost there,'' Genesis gave a long sigh,'' Anthony, please tell me you're alright.''

''I'm alright Gennie.''

''Ok...''

The phone call ended there, and after a few seconds I saw Genesis walk around the large tree that I was propped up on. She gave a slight toothy grin as she held a cup holder full of Starbucks drinks that she made. 

She took the backpack off her back and opened it, pulling out portable phone chargers and wipes, along with makeup remover for Raelynn.

''Here,'' she pulled a bottle of water from her bag and took off the top,'' you should drink some water.''

I licked my lips and realized how dry my throat was. I took the bottle and drank thirstily. 

''So you couldn't find anyone Gen?''

Genesis shook her head. It wasn't uncommon for her to go nonverbal when she was under extreme stress. She closed her eyes and pulled a coffee from her cardboard cup holder.

''Drink up guys,'' she smiled shyly.

We all began to drink, and dare I say it was actually pretty good. I watched as Raelynn wiped the pitiful mascara off her face and for the first time I saw what she looked like without makeup. Dare I say she actually looked her age of fourteen now. 

She and Genesis began talking, and Genesis would nod quietly. They were such opposites, as Genesis shut down when tensions were high and Raelynn couldn't seem to stop talking under pressure. As I watched them talk I heard as Genesis began to laugh at their conversation, what exactly they were saying I couldn't seem to make out. But I smiled, I was happy seeing the two of them be able to be calm in such a horrible setting.

''Anthony,'' Genesis turned towards me,'' do you still have your phone?''

I sat for a moment trying to see if I could feel it in my back pocket. I nodded.

I shifted to move but my leg gave another loud crack and I screamed in pain.

''Does 911 still work?'' Raelynn asked.

''I tried,'' Genesis narrowed her eyes,'' it says everyone is busy.''

''Then keep calling, Anthony will die if we don't get him proper help.''

Genesis looked into my face and looked away.

''Think you can hold out a few hours?''

I nodded.

''I'm going to get us some food. Raelynn, you call 911 as many times as you can, they'll have to pick up eventually.''

She placed her backpack on her back and smiled at us.

''I'll be back soon.''

For at least two hours Raelynn called 911 repeatedly, each time came up the automated message ''we're sorry, due to large call volumes we're unable to receive your call, please call again later.''

Everytime Raelynn would find a new curse word to use and type the number in again, and finally after the third hour someone answered.

''911 what is your emergency?''

''AH! You actually picked up!'' Raelynn cried.

''What is your emergency?''

''My friend's brother Anthony, he fell out of a two story building and broke his leg, he was bleeding but I fixed it.''

Her words were so rushed and so immature.

''Is he cognizant?''

Raelynn placed the phone on my chest.

''Hello, ma'am.''

''Can you move?''

''No, it keeps cracking.''

I could hear typing on her end of the phone and then she cleared her throat.

''I have your location, we're sending an ambulance.''

''Ah, thank you! Thank you!''

The relief hit my veins too hard and I could feel myself begin to fall asleep from exhaustion.

''Anthony! Anthony!''

My limbs hung limp beneath me and a chilling feeling overcame me. I blacked out.

[atlasfontaine]

TW: homophobia, choking, attempted murder

We approached an abandoned looking apartment that rested in the far back of the town outskirts. And here Lewis led me, with his small smooth hand up the rickety stairs and into a lavishly dressed room, complete with an almost royal looking bed adorned with maroon sheets trimmed in gold.

''The others say I have good taste in style,'' he pulled himself up upon the bed and played with his curls,'' do sit, you have an hour, nobody can hear us here.''

I pulled myself up upon the bed and breathed the roselike aroma that filled the air. Such a beautiful room in such a disgusting apartment, you almost had to see it to believe it. After looking around Lewis cupped my chin into his hands and turned my face towards his, he tilted his head and smiled.

''You don't love a woman, do you William?''

''I have a woman I am arranged to be wedded to.''

''Oh how pitifully boring! Tell me, is this mademoiselle beautiful?''

''I would hope she would have short hair and a chiseled face.''

''Ha!         HA       BWAHAHHAAHHAHA!''

''Do not find me funny Lewis!'' I snarled, but the boy seemed not worried in the slightest, dare I say he took my anger as fuel to his riveting laughter.

''What a strange attraction you have Mr. William. A woman with a man's face, what about her curves.''

''I would wish to not speak of this Lewis.''

''Oh, but you have to! This is your future we're talking about! Tell me William, have you tasted love? Have you ever truly, ever, accurately made love to another?''

''I cannot say I have,'' I bit my tongue on my words,'' so I cannot make an accurate decision until I do.''

''So you will make love with a woman, and if that bores you, make love to men?''

''And if that bores me?''

''Then you make love to yourself, lose yourself to madness. They claim me a sodomite, but I dare say, those who make love to idols are no more better than those who mate with dogs.''

I felt my brow tense at his words, and a rush of fear came over me. What if I was bored by everyone? What would I do then? How, dare I say this, will I ever find a sense of love. All humans, big, small, ugly, beautiful, man, woman, we all search for a sense of love. A hand to hold, a mouth to kiss, a bed to share. I wanted all of this, and my lack of account of what form I wanted it in eluded me, I wanted to scream out something, anything, as my heart contorted with a shred of violence that swelled up inside of my grieving heart.

''Can you tell Lewis, if a man loves another man as he should love a woman?''

''You're here with me now,'' Lewis spoke slowly,'' you can answer that yourself.''

''Then we do it,'' I took a deep breath,'' if you bore me I will leave, I will never see your face again, I will marry Florence, I will forget you, I will forget this day ever happened!''

Lewis's eyes widened, his brow rose and his lips curled.

''What do you have in mind William?''

I lunged and fell on top of Lewis, placing my body firmly on top of his, I held his soft wrists above his head and with gasps of terror I gazed down at him. His cheeks flushed red, his glistening eyes peered up into mine, he smiled, and as I lowered my face to his as he whispered.

''Take it all out, accurse me as you accurse your own self. I will not break.''

Something inside me broke, and I saw Lewis as my own self. I stared into my auburn eyes, I could smell my odor that screamed masculinity to others around me. My short reddish hair and those three moles which I always hated that stained my tan skin. I hated that man I looked at. My hands clenched Lewis's wrists harder and my other hand cupped around his tender throat. I held fast, gently at first, I could hear Lewis giggling almost nagging to choke him harder. He squirmed and writhed, as if taunting me, if only he realized I was double the size of him.

''I don't know what to do Lewis!'' I felt tears filling my eyes, and they dripped onto his soft face. I clenched his neck tighter, and I could see a tinge of fear crawling into his veins,'' Florence deserves more, she requires someone who will truly love her for her! She shouldn't have me!''

My anger caused me to press my knee rudely into Lewis's gut and I could see him tense as I took a new and tighter grip around his neck. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but the feeling of being in control eased me, it helped the tears fall from my eyes, it helped the darkness peel from my heart. And as I peered into Lewis's almost surprised and pained face I gritted my teeth and clenched harder.

''Easy William,'' Lewis rasped, awakening me from my trance,'' you clearly don't know what you are doing.''

I released him, and Lewis sat up, rubbing his reddened neck. He turned and grinned towards me.

''I can respect a strong man,'' he cracked his neck slightly and lowered his gaze towards my hands I had rested to my side, he lifted one up and played with it between his fingers,'' I was never blessed with such masculinity, you could say I was born to bring men to the brothels,'' he grinned,'' you should see me in a gown, some men want it that way. It's as if they want to forget they're paying to be with another man.''

He lifted my hand and rested it against his cheek, and I could feel the smoothness of his fair and feminine face, he smiled, a laugh came into his throat. He began to fidget and turned his eyes up towards me.

''You're afraid to disappoint people,'' he lowered my hand and averted his gaze,'' I was like that before.''

''And then you seared your conscience,'' I muttered.

''Quite the opposite!'' Lewis snapped, his eyes gained a flame as he turned towards me,'' tell me! When I go outside there's people who want to kill me in the name of god, if God is who gives us a conscience I want nothing to do with theirs!"

My eyes widened, and I felt my face narrow as a tinge of confusion swelled into my heart. The more I sat with him the more I realized the seriousness of my dilemma. A man who was sure of his love for the female race wouldn't seat himself in a man's brothel room. He wouldn't have agreed to sex to see if he would like it. He wouldn't debate the boredom of the the woman he was to marry and love. He wouldn't even be here now if this wasn't the case. I wouldn't have agreed to sex if I didn't have feelings for Lewis. Ah how fast I turned towards Lewis when this thought came through my head, a fiery pit of anger swelled into my soul. I lunged for him again and clawed for his throat. And like an animal I held him tighter than I had before until I could see tears climbing into his childlike eyes.

''Stop, stop,'' Lewis gasped, grimacing as my hand gripped his tender throat. I gripped him tighter, tossed him ruthlessly to the side, and slammed his small body harshly upon the bed. His head pressed firmly upon the sheets that lay beneath us. His sputtering sent a glare to his tearstained face.

''Stop, STOP MAKING NOISE!!!'' I growled, I could feel my being glowing with embers of grief and anger, I began clenching my fingers tighter around my companion,'' I cannot love you- I cannot love you! I must love Florence!''

A ringing began in Lewis's ears, and his eyelids drooped over his pale blue eyes. He struggled as much as he could, but his movements became slow as he gasped for air. With each gasp I held him harder. Soon a strange sensation came over Lewis's face, he felt cold, a strange gurgling sound in the back of his throat, his eyes gazed dizzily upward as his face turned a strange hue of pale.

The madness that came over me only worsened as Lewis clawed at the air with weak lifts of his placid arms. A murderous intent came over my grieved mind, and in this swirl of mental declination, I began to kill the very man I had begun to love.

''Stop MOVING!'' I screamed, and in disparity I lunged and grabbed a pillow and placed it firmly over Lewis's face, pressing it down with all my might I felt as Lewis's body that laid beneath me began to slowly stir and then stop moving altogether.

A gasp of exasperation came from my mouth and I trembled, still holding the pillow to my partner's face. I felt tears stream down my rosy and heated cheeks. I was afraid of love, I was afraid to love another man. Especially one like Lewis, who was so forward with his actions and so aloof in his talk in the public eye. He was perfect, so kind, generous, but nobody saw these points of him, but everyone could account for his sodomy as he held a bouquet of beautiful blossoms and left them on the coat of every man he found appealing.

I pulled the pillow from Lewis's face, he laid as if asleep, his blonde lashes twinkling behind the candlelight. His lips curled into childish slumber, a slight rise in color in the boy's cheeks sent a chill to my bones. And in fear that I killed him I collected the small frame into my arms and rested my ear against the boy's chest, desperately searching for a heartbeat.

An intake of breath from Lewis startled me and I cast the boy down and watched with wide eyes as he began to come back to his senses. For a while he sat, half dazed as he turned his drooping eyes around the room. His wheezing made me uncomfortable as he blindly reached out his arms and grabbed tightly onto the front of my shirt. He gave out a long emaciated gasp as he laid his head on my shoulder and huffed out in pained strained vocal cords.

''Next time, give me a chance to breathe,'' his lips parted as a degenerative grin overtook his sweat glazed skin,'' passing out is half the fun, but I really thought I was going to meet death.''

A groan escaped the lad's lips and he slumped beside me and seemed to pass out, his soft huffs as his throat tried to regain what it had lost echoed through my ears. I covered them with my hands, a collection of tears came into my eyes and I screamed, praying that nobody would come to my aid and find what I had done. How was I to explain what had happened? What would happen to my marriage? What would happen to the sanctity of my mind that I was so afraid to ruin?

As my mind reeled, a wave of exhaustion swept through my veins and I collapsed onto the bed, and senselessly fell into a void of nothing, my hand curled around Lewis' and my eyes gazed at the drapery that hung over the bed. My chest heaved as I realized what I had done. I had fallen for someone else when my name was indebted to another. And the thought of pretending to love Florence overtook me and I sobbed, burying my face in Lewis's pillows and wept until I had no tears left to cry.

[atlasfontaine]

But Arthur didn't reply as he gazed out the window, his hand slowly climbing his chest to his heart.

''Bring the girl to her mother,'' he grimaced, I could see pain written all over his face,'' tell her to come to me if anything is wrong with her.''

He turned toward me and motioned toward the door, so I collected the girl's hand and began to lead her from the double doors.

As soon as I closed the doors behind me the girl's mother rushed over and hugged the child. She glanced at me for a moment and then glanced around.

''Where is Dr. Wilks?''

''He's writing down her symptoms,'' I replied, and smiled down at the child,'' he says to come to him if anything were to go wrong.''

The woman smiled as she grabbed her daughter's hand,'' Thank you, Mr.?''

''Hyde,'' I shook her hand and began to lead her toward the door,'' I'm Dr. Wilks's assistant.''

''It's a pleasure to meet you,'' the woman smiled, but it gave off a radiance of pain,'' I would do anything, anything, for my daughter. You see, ever since her father passed, she's never been the same. We both haven't been the same.''

My eyes widened as the woman turned toward the door,'' Thank you, Mr. Hyde.''

As soon as they disappeared down the street I closed the front door and ran back toward the double doors and into the large room. There I found Dr. Wilks collapsed over the coffee table, a cup shattered on the ground, and the overturned kettle poured over his right hand which turned red from the heat.

I approached him slowly and pulled him up so he could sit on the couch. For a long while he gave no response until after I cleaned his table and returned with a cold rag for his hand.

He glared at me as I wrapped his swollen hand. But his weak stature forbade him to move, he laid slumped and sweating as I rose to collect him some water.

''I asked,'' he took a deep breath as he spoke,'' for someone to write down my symptoms, not be a maid-''

''I won't have someone to write for,'' I replied,'' if you were to die. What, do you expect me to just leave you there with that burn?''

''I have those who help me here,'' Arthur rasped, but his words cut short as he closed his eyes,'' I can take care of myself.''

He rose to his feet but suddenly fell back onto the couch. He grumbled as he wiped his face with his cravat, his pale skin glistening in the light.

''I think it's getting worse,'' he punched his chest again and a chunk of blood flew from his mouth, he gasped, his teeth and chin stained red, his eyes turned up toward me suddenly as he saw the amount of blood that came from him.

''I must go to my quarters,'' he struggled to his feet and stumbled upon the coffee table as he attempted to run,'' if I die here Reia cannot help me! Thomas help me-''

He seemed to try to slither like a snake upon the floor, it was quite the sorry sight. I rushed toward him and assisted him to his feet, but he couldn't stand on his own. He grabbed me tightly on the shoulder, almost grabbing a chunk of my own skin in the process. His eyes were so wide with fear, he was so close that I could smell his sweat and his skin, both reeked like death, almost as if he hadn't bathed in weeks.

I began to head up the stairs when Arthur's grip on me began to loosen, and I felt as his body sagged. I dragged him up the remaining steps and into his room, where I noticed that all along Arthur was gazing at me with wide eyes, his lips were moving but no sound came from them. I knew that if his heart was in sight, it would be turning that hue of purple that I couldn't sear from my memory.

I laid him on the floor and though he grabbed me to stay I left to search for his automaton. I ran into every room that sat upstairs but the automaton was nowhere in sight, when at last I rushed into Arthur's room he was motionless, he had to be dead, or almost dead.

In a frantic run I screamed out the automoton's name, and a door to a room I swear I searched opened and out came Reia who rushed past me into Arthur's room. I followed it, and watched as it lifted Arthur off the floor and after laying him upon the bed, quickly unbuttoned off his dress shirt and began to work upon his heart.

I sat in the chair and watched, both terrified and curious. Sparks flew here and there, and Arthur remained like dead as the robot worked on him. For a moment or two I was worried that he was truly dead, but a few seconds later his eyes flickered open and he gazed around the room.

''I died again...'' Arthur rasped, his eyes glinted over as he mumbled,'' how many more times do I have to die?''

I came to his bedside as the automaton buttoned his dress shirt and began to pull his comforter over him. He glared upon seeing me.

''I was trying to tell you to not leave me,'' Arthur's face twitched as tears filled his eyes,'' I know this house better than any-''

His eyes rolled back into his head as he spoke and suddenly he was asleep. I turned toward the automaton, who had no face to look at, as it was only a smooth white square with wheels and tools as arms. It backed and then wheeled from the room out of sight.

At this exact moment I was struck with a form of anger. I was not this man's guardian, and though he needed a form of proper care I was not the one to give it. I had enough sympathy for him when I had the ability to ease some of his burdens.

I stormed from his room and walked to the front door, pulled on my suit coat and stormed down the street.

Dr. Wilks needed more than just me and the automaton, and I was about to change that.