audrak79

[audrak79]

What's knocking... 3/19/25

As I drove from my class at the Y to my favorite spot to reset before my day at the office, I was thinking about all the opportunities that I have in front of me right now. Some I'm aware of and pursuing, others I know are out there and I ask God to reveal them to me. I grabbed my coffee and sat by the fireplace next to Tony, the guy that likes to refill my coffee each morning when it gets low, and I opened my Bible app. Today's verse of the day is one many are familiar with; Revelation 3:20 where Jesus is extending an opportunity to open the door and invite Him in. I just love how God gives us His word in such timely ways. I've been taking this new season of my life as an opportunity to seize what's mine. I'm learning new skills, trying new hobbies, educating myself and working on new certifications, relaxing, slowing down, allowing myself to enjoy people and enjoying the positivity of new relationship. I'm dreaming big and not being anxious about what that looks like, just being willing to take the risk and remind myself that things won't happen when I say, "I can't", but they can and will when I say, "but what if I can." This verse of the day was written for the church of Laodicea but it's just as relevant to everyone today. It's a warning on being lukewarm, not taking a firm stance one way or another. And while this is a call to repentance and to open the door to let Jesus into your life, I also see how we can connect this to other areas of our lives; especially knowing that His word promises that He has good things for our lives. So, what's knocking? Yes, Jesus is. But what's He got for you that you might be missing? I regularly pray for opportunities, not for personal gain but to serve His people and share who He is. When we bless, we are blessed and right now I am feeling beyond blessed with what and who God has placed at the door. It takes faith to open those doors. If we are anxious and sit in fear, we don't open the door. Instead we just sit in the "I can't" of our "what if" thoughts, lukewarm. But when we take those "what if" thoughts and have faith that good things can result, we replace fear with hope and those "I can't" moments become "I will" and "I did." We go from being lukewarm to on FIRE! I encourage you today to ask God to reveal opportunities to you; ones to help others and ones that push you into your calling. Ask God to remove the fear of change and help you to see the hope of the future He has for you. Open the door, opportunity is on the other side and it's waiting.

I forgot to post this one so if you liked the last one, I hope this one speaks to you as well.

The Belly 3/11/25

I was doing my regular reading this morning in Romans by the fire at Panera, shocker, and chapter 5, verses 1-5 stood out. I'm sharing just a few portions of it, but I encourage you today to read Romans 5 and also 12.

“... rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations..."

These portions are repeated again later in chapter 12, verse 12. We all can recall times where we were experiencing tribulations, trials, hardships, trauma etc. When was the last time you rejoiced in that? It's often hard to grasp, but what if you took the time of trouble to focus on what's going to grow from it? We often go through the fire so that we can help pull others from the same pit. Have you evaluated what's happening or, maybe you aren't currently going through the fire but you could look back. What can you learn, who can you help, how is the fire refining you, are you willing to let it make you better on the other side of it or are you going to remain angry and bitter? Life is a journey and often directed by our perspective on the circumstances in front of us. Want a change in the path of your life? Start by checking your perspective. If you seek negative, you'll find it. If you seek positive, it's there. As I opened my Bible app to look at other translations of these verses in Romans, I noticed the verse of the day.

“Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to swallow Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” Jonah‬ ‭1‬:‭17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬.

I think we can all agree that's one hell of a situation to be in. I don't think I've ever experienced a trial quit like that; while we all feel stuck sometimes, not likely that it's been in the belly of a great fish. Jonah was redirected and finally agreed to do as God asked, in turn the people of Nineveh were spared. What's your great fish? Who is God asking you to reach? Don't be discouraged by the change of direction, you may not be off course. Seek the reason while you are in the belly of that fish and rejoice in the opportunity to step into your calling.

[audrak79]

Run the Race.

I was reviewing my notes from the last chapter of the book I just finished, The Awe of God, and 2 statements stood out to me, "Since holiness is perfected in the fear of God, it's our Lord's earnest desire for you to be an influencer in this great awakening", and, "it's not how we start this race that's important, but how we finish it."

As I reread that and stewed on these statements, a few things came to mind. With the new ban on TikTok that we all woke up to this morning, I thought it was so fitting to be reminded that I'm called to be an influencer yet the biggest platform many use to be social media influencers in the US has just been banned. Don't get me wrong, I love me some TikTok funnies, it's how my daughter and I communicate. I've never used it to promote a platform or to influence an audience, but I recognize how many were successful in that. I do enjoy sharing my thoughts and what I believe the Lord reveals to me on my blog site and on Facebook and Instagram. These are easy ways to share quickly with a large audience. But we need to also recognize that it's not the only way or even the best way to be an influencer. Sometimes it's not how many people you reach, but the impact on the one who needed it the most. Sometimes is that quiet moment nobody else sees, like praying with the man holding the sign on the corner without judgment and extended a smile and warm hug. Sometimes it's that unexpected conversation at the local coffee shop with a stranger. I'm by no means an influencer by worldly standards, but I do believe I make an impact on those I encounter. I've not always been good at sharing the Word, or being obedient in praying with others when the Lord presses me to, or serving without judgment; it's a process of growing and maturing. But just as that statement from the book said, it's not how I started the race, but how I finish it.

I couldn't help but be reminded of 1 Corinthians 9:24:27. I'm using the Message translation to share, it just hits right;

“You’ve all been to the stadium and seen the athletes race. Everyone runs; one wins. Run to win. All good athletes train hard. They do it for a gold medal that tarnishes and fades. You’re after one that’s gold eternally. I don’t know about you, but I’m running hard for the finish line. I’m giving it everything I’ve got. No lazy living for me! I’m staying alert and in top condition. I’m not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself. ”

What came to mind when recalling this scripture was the word endurance. Oxford defines endurance as "the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way." Life is for sure often unpleasant or difficult. But we have a choice. We can either give way and live in the pain without hope, or we can run the race with endurance knowing that the eternal reward is waiting for us; hoping to leave an impact on others that will encourage them to also finish the race well. How can you be an influencer? What outlets do you have that you aren't utilizing well? Who have you been called to reach? I challenge you to silence the noise of the world around you and listen for the Voice of Truth who longs for you to listen. He'll speak to you if you are willing to listen. 1/19/25

[audrak79]

All is vanity...

The last week of 2024 was a rough one.  Nothing in particular, yet everything, was bothersome.  It’s like I made it through my first Christmas being single and then... CRASH! Then the hype of New Year’s Eve and everyone making plans to be with special people and I was just over here wondering what PJs I’d be wearing to the living room, if I even got out of bed at all. On the 30th, my last workday of the year, I got home, showered and got in bed by 6pm with no dinner and just cried.  I stayed there in that state for about 16 hours and then I decided to get up, make some coffee and sit outside on my porch wrapped in a blanket with my Bible.  The cool air felt nice on my swollen face. I allowed the new, but more gentle, tears of the morning cleanse the crust from the tears of the night before around my eyes, but the cold breeze just made my eyes crust over again.  It was raining and the sound was beautiful.  I turned on some instrumental tunes and opened my Bible to Ecclesiastes.  Seemed appropriate to study. Vanity!  All is vanity!  I thought, if I am sitting here disappointed in myself and with some of my decisions I’ve made and things I’ve allowed, let’s read about how it’s all vanity anyway.  Ecclesiastes 1:18 says, “For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow,”  Well, damn.  That wasn’t encouraging.  But the more I read, the more it spoke to me.  Hearing how even King Solomon, the one who God said “Ask! What shall I give you?” and all he asked for was wisdom, poured out in this book how “whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them” yet  it was all vanity, “grasping for the wind”.  That’s pretty much how I have felt lately, like I’m grasping for the wind, something I can’t even hold. Reading chapter 3 reminded me there is a time for everything; a time to heal, a time to weep, a time to refrain, a time to lose, a time of war...  and that is where I felt I was at the end of 2024.  Trying to heal, weeping, trying to refrain from the desires of the flesh, and losing all that the little girl inside me had hopes for.  I felt at war with myself.  But there is also a time to plant, a time to build up, a time to dance, a time to embrace, a time to love, and a time for peace. 

I don’t make resolutions really, but I always like to set goals.  This year I decided I want to take time off work for ME, I want to learn new skills or hobbies, I want to find reasons to wear heels and I want to take risks.  I’ve spent all my time off these past few years traveling for specific reasons and they were working trips, not vacations.  I want to take time to travel, even if it’s alone, and not take my laptop.  I bought tap shoes and signed up to take my daughter’s class.  I’m a spaz so this should be entertaining.  Last night I found a reason to wear heels, I didn’t have one so I created one.  After crying for 16+ hours and then sitting in the cold rain, I dried my face and took a deep breath, washed the crust from my eyes, splashed on some witch-hazel to help the swelling, slapped on some makeup, tied my hair up in a cute messy ponytail and put on a skirt with tights and heels.  My daughter gave me some compliments to encourage me and then I decided to take a risk and took myself on a date.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen. No plan, no reservation, just me with a little more confidence than the night before.  I drove to a local pub and sat at the bar, ordered dinner and a glass of wine and enjoyed some small talk with a couple of strangers.  I soon got an invite to join some friends at another restaurant and so I joined them. I had second dinner, yes it is a thing and it’s ok, and a glass of wine and had some much needed laughs.  I was home by 11 and in bed by 11:30, I didn’t need to watch a ball drop, 2025 was coming whether I saw it happen or not.

I got myself up this morning and of course came to my usual corner at Panera with my books, my Bible, my laptop, my journal and poured my hazelnut coffee.  Funny how I drink my coffee different ways at different places; Most restaurants it’s black, home it’s black or a splash of heavy cream, here at Panera it’s hazelnut with a splash of half-and-half and a sprinkle of cinnamon.   Anyway, I wrote a little and then decided I want to study the book of Job this month. What better follow up to Ecclesiastes than to study about suffering, HA!  My goal is to be reminded that suffering happens, we don’t understand it and certainly can’t stop it.  But God is there in the midst and has sent me the Comforter to sustain me and therefore, I will rejoice in suffering for I know that it builds endurance and God has a place for me on the other side of it all.

After I did some journaling, I began reviewing my highlights from Ecclesiastes and reflecting on the events of 2024. I am reminded of those people who have been by my side through it all; the ones who didn’t abandon me, the ones who listened, the few who check on me regularly, the ones who were vulnerable in their conversation, the one that sends me memes for hours on end to make me laugh, the one who invites mom to go roller-skating or to sit and craft, the ones who invite the 3rd wheel to crash their New Year’s Eve party. I am comforted in knowing that “Two are better than one...for if they fall, one will lift up his companion.... Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)  Thank you friends for lifting me up, I’m starting to feel restored and whole again.

[audrak79]

Oh 2024!

I can’t say that I want a total “do over” of this past year.  Doing it over could save some hurt, I suppose, but it would mean not learning and growing and staying in unhealthy places for the sake of convenience. It would also mean continuing to lose and neglect myself, which I have vowed to never do again. I am excited for 2025. There are lots of things I am NOT going to do again, many things I’d like to do again and do better, and I pray for a plethora of opportunities to do new things.  

I took time to look back through 2024 at my social media posts where God showed me something and I was obedient in sharing it and not just keeping it to myself.  I also read back through my few blogs and it’s amazing to me that the more difficult life became, the more struggles I went through, He was right there in the midst. I can see the timeline of struggles, pain, trauma, devastation and the darker my life felt, the more frequent my shares were. It’s funny how He works. Here’s what I see; I had just 4 posts from January through May, yet from June through October (both just 5 month periods) I had 13, and I have shared 7 of these “God winks” just in the month of November.  I’m not saying I have made the best choices as I have grown, it’s a journey and there will be steps forward and steps back, but what I see is maturity; recognizing my mistakes and making changes to do better the next time around. 

I’m trying to adjust to being alone.  It’s not been easy because, well.... I simply do not want to be alone. HA!  Many of you probably think I am overreacting since it’s only been about 4 months of me being physically alone and most have told me to “Just enjoy focusing on yourself and enjoying time alone”.  What many don’t realize is how long I have felt alone. While my divorce seems fresh, we were going separate directions doing separate things for many years.  Frankly, I’m tired of being alone.  I long for someone to talk to, to share with, to have dinner with, to take walks with, to hold my hand and to make plans with. I struggle to just go out unless I have a very specific plan to walk in with someone. This is odd for me, I’m an extrovert and I love being around people, but I simply can’t just go to a restaurant or a bar by myself with hopes to have fun or run into someone I know.  I take that back, I’ll sit a Panera for 6 hours and read and enjoy my coffee or I’ll go have lunch by myself, but “going out” is a different story.  I start my day so early with my workouts and then I enjoy “me time” alone at Panera, hell, I spend 10-15 hours a week alone reading at Panera, I work alone or secluded most of the time, and so in the evenings and on weekends, I often struggle being at home knowing I’m going to be alone once again. My circle is small, which is not a bad thing, but nobody seems to be in the same season of life as me right now and so finding time to spend with the few friends I have hasn’t been easy either.  

I have taken a lot of time to journal more in these past several months, an assignment from my therapist.  I’ve written out my story, something I have kept secret my whole life and only shared a few bits and pieces with a very select few in recent months.  I have shared it in its entirety with my prayer partner, we all need that one person in our life.  I hope to have opportunities to share more in 2025.  It’s not so easy to share certain details when so many others are affected by it and maybe they haven’t decided to face their trauma head on yet. But I am learning that our testimonies can be shared so many ways. Sometimes every detail isn’t relevant to the person you are sharing with.  Sometimes you may need to share more so that the person knows where you are coming from. What I do know is my story has shaped me to be who I am today and while I would never wish pain or grief upon my younger self, I am learning to love the girl I see in the mirror and am grateful for what God has brought her through. 

I kept coming home in September of this year and just looking at my living room feeling sad because it was just so empty and quiet and all I could think was, “there are supposed to be women sitting here.” Several women came to mind and I invited them to come and fellowship one night in November.  I was so blessed by those women who showed up.  I had no plans for that night, just snacks and beverages and an open couch.  None of the ladies knew each other, the only common denominator was they all knew me.  It was so nice to sit and listen to each one tell a little bit about themselves.  One thing led to another and the next thing I know we are laying hands on one and  praying for healing, another shared a testimony on her way out the door, 2 of them hugged and cried in my kitchen and another stayed a little longer to talk through some tough things.  I invited them all back and decided it should be a monthly gathering.  I guess I started a small group.  😊 It’s funny how God puts things and people together.  He’s never wrong and His timing is never off.  

As I close out 2024, here are a few things I have learned and will apply: I will be honest in all circumstances, even with myself. I will be vulnerable, open, transparent even if it’s uncomfortable. I now know that I am enough and I don’t have to pretend to be someone else for someone to love me. My story has shaped me and I know that we are victorious by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I also know that by being open, conflict doesn’t have to be scary. Real conflict resolution can happen when both are open and willing to talk rather that make assumptions and hide their feelings. I know I don’t want to be alone and I was not designed to be alone, God’s word tells me so. I want someone who wants me, mess and all.  I need someone who puts God first because he knows that when you do that everything else falls in line. I need someone who will lead me and when I am not strong enough to keep going, will hold me up.  I know this will arrive in God’s timing, not my own. I refuse to pretend that I did not experience trauma, I have exposed it so I can heal from it.  I refuse to allow my past trauma to dictate my future.  I will BE the church.  I will not neglect to meet with other believers for the purpose of fellowship, breaking of bread and teachings from the Apostles.  I know I am to bear fruit and that fruit is meant for others. I will continue to pray and ask God to reveal to me who, how and where to serve. I know that during the darkest time of my life, I pressed into Jesus because I didn’t know what else to do.  Many could say I went a little crazy or “charismatic”, but at the end of it all, I can’t help but think that Jesus is looking, maybe even laughing at me saying, “Thank you, Audra, that when you had nowhere else to go and didn’t know what else to do, you were willing to go crazy for Me.”  Don’t be afraid to go all in, go hard for Jesus. This life is short, and eternity is forever. Don’t waste an opportunity He sets before you. Bring it on 2025! 

12/12/24

[audrak79]

Fruit

Starting over often means reclaiming certain things.  Your peace, your joy, your identity.  So many things.  I was baptized 10 years ago this past August.  It was not the day I was saved, but it was the day that I told the world to hold me accountable for the decision I had made to follow my Savior.  I had put off being baptized for a few years, the reason is not relevant to this message, so I’ll leave it at that.   

After my baptism, I had a strong desire to have the date tattooed on my wrist as a great conversation starter.  I also LOVE tattoos and only had 1 at that time that was not visible to anyone unless we were swimming. I chose Roman numerals because they look intriguing and hoped it would get people to ask me what they stood for. I have had so many opportunities to share the gospel because of this simple and small tattoo on my wrist. Sometimes it’s a quick statement with not much response and other times it provided space for a little deeper conversation.  

In this new season of my life I am enjoying taking time for myself, finding new joys, and digging deeper in my relationship with God which is where my true identity lies.  I’m reading more, taking time to cook myself a lovely dinner to sit in front of the TV with, enjoying the sun on my face as I rest on my porch glider, having deep conversations with godly friends and writing out what I’m feeling so I can look back and see my healing.  

My daughter wanted to get matching mommy/baby otter tattoos for her 20th birthday.  Why the otters?  Well, years ago we were snuggling and watching a movie and realized that we lay like mommy otters do when they float with their babies. Super sweet, right? Of course, being a tattoo lover, I was eager to say YES and add it to my collection (at this point I was up to 4 and this would make #5). When we went in for the consultation, I really thought my otters were supposed to go on my left forearm above my baptism date and so I asked the artist if he could put something vine like around them to separate the 2 but also bring them together so it did not look like 2 separate tattoos on the same arm. I told the artist that I was not picky on what type of vine or branch was there; flowers, olives, grapes... but I did like the idea of it being something fruit bearing. He suggested grapes which had me super excited.  All I could think of was communion, wine, and how through the crushing of the grapes something new is brought out.  And so, I let him run with it.  I went in, he placed the stencils and began on the grapes first.  I’m so glad he did and that we ran out of time to finish the otters and touch up the numbers because the beauty of the grapes took my breath away.  Also, it gave me a chance to see the otter stencil with the grapes to quickly realize that they don’t belong there.  

As I continued to look at my new creation, I was reminded of the word of the year from one of my favorite churches, #tcnation.  I had forgotten as the year went on, despite continuing to follow their sermons online, that the word of the year was..... FRUIT. And that week, I watched their sermon called “Receipts” and was given a great reminder.  “Receipts”?  Receipts are a proof of purchase, right? So when you go to the grocery, you have proof that you paid for what you are leaving with.  Jesus showed Thomas His receipt after He rose from the grave by placing Thomas’ finger inside the hole in His hand as proof for the price He paid for our sins and that it was truly Him. As Christ followers, what kind of “receipts” do you have to show that you are following Christ? Any one can say “Yes, I’m a Christian” and even the demons acknowledge who Christ is, but where is your proof that you are walking the walk and not just talking the talk?  It’s in your FRUIT. Fruit that is meant to last, and to be shared; fruit that cannot grow unless it is watered/fed and cared for properly. 

Two weeks after getting my grapes, I went on a cruise with my near 90 year old Nana.  It was an amazing time of joy, peace, healing, restoration, rest and reflection for both of us.  We are both going difficult times with her losing her second husband this past March and me being newly divorced. Hearing her laugh and watching her smile as we sang in the piano bar left me with a pure frozen joy stuck to my face for the entire week and it’s still there.  While we were enjoying our last dinner on the ship, I encountered a group in the dining room and right after I said hello, one of the ladies in the group grabbed my arm and said, “Oh my gosh, what is your tattoo?”, referring to my grapes.  I gave her a 10 second testimony about how I am navigating new territory in my life, that the numbers were the date I was baptized 10 years ago, and how I added the grapes because it reminds me to bear fruit and that in the crushing Jesus is bringing something new out of me.  Her face had a look of shock and sudden seriousness to it and she said, “I cannot believe I just met you.”  We did not have a chance to talk but she asked if we could connect because she felt God introduced us. I can’t wait to hear more from her and to find out why my 10 second testimony spoke so loud to her heart.  To my new friend, Christy, I love you already and I truly believe you are one of the reasons I was on the ship.

I came home Sunday from the cruise and couldn’t wait until Thursday to get my numbers finished and have my otters placed.  I told my daughter that my otters would be there for her birthday this coming Monday. I arrived at the studio and my artist showed me a picture of sandstone. He said he wanted to place it behind the grapes as my “firm foundation” and have the numbers etched in the stone.  I wanted to cry!  YES, Christ is my firm foundation, the Rock on which I stand.  Word of advice, if you are a Christian getting tattoos, make sure your artist knows the Word and their work will BLOW YOUR MIND. He started with the otters and they are gorgeous with their beautiful pink flowers and cute little faces.  I then watched as he sketched the outline of the sandstone with his purple Sharpie and even gave me a quick Nike swoosh just to see if I was paying attention (I was a little distracted on my phone), HA! To be honest, I was nervous at first with some of the dark colors going around the grapes but decided to relax and trust the process.  As he added in the light colors of the stone I was in awe watching it come together.  I didn’t think these grapes could be any more beautiful, but WOW, that stone behind them just makes them pop.  He finished by outlining my numbers and adding tiny details that just make all the difference.  I am in love!  What started as a simple and discrete conversation starter 10 years ago has now turned into a bold declaration.  Christ is my firm foundation, I am called to bear fruit and share it with others, and I will rejoice in the crushing knowing that through it I am made stronger. 

I do have another tattoo project, one more thing to reclaim, that I’d like to take care of for my birthday.  I had my very first tattoo, a tree frog that I shared with my best friend senior year of high school while on spring break, removed several years ago.  I had it removed twice actually because the first removal did not remove it all. A few years after that, I had a poppy flower placed on top of it to cover the scaring that remained from the 2 surgeries as a result of the nurse dressing it incorrectly.  Then several years later I allowed my good friend Jack to take a horrible cover up of a cover up of the cover up and make it beautiful by adding more poppies, leaves, and Philippians 1:3 in my mother’s handwriting. Poppies are a flower of remembrance and I just really felt it was fitting as a reminder of what was once there and the friendship of the one who I shared the original tattoo with.  So, I shared pictures of my original tattoo, poppy #1, and what Jack created on my back with my artist last night and we discussed placing that froggy right back in the midst of the flowers.  BAM! #reclaimedandrestored

I may be reclaiming a lot of things and likely have a lot more to go, but it is God that restores me and I am doing my best to enjoy every bit of the process; the pain and pleasure. 

10/25/24

[audrak79]

He Sustains

10/1/24. God’s timing is never wrong. I got another reminder this week of this fact.  Life is tough and we just never know what is coming down the road.  But no matter what, it’s not for us to be consumed with or worried about.  Our focus needs to be on what we are doing right now.  What we do right now should have a kingdom impact, but we shouldn’t be so focused on the worries of tomorrow that we miss an opportunity today. 

This year Transformation Church out of Tulsa, OK released a few new albums.  They are full of amazing talent.  TC’s worship team is phenomenal but they grabbed some of the best of the best to collaborate with; Tauren Wells, KB, Tasha Cobbs Leonard, Jekalyn Carr, Tye Tribbett, Chandler Moore..... Last week, was the release of the album Thy Kingdom Come and one song in particular was RIGHT ON TIME, Sustain.

I’ve never struggled with anxiety or panic, I’ve always felt that I was anchored, solid and grounded handling the stress of life well and therefore was able to help others through their struggles as well.  However, in this season of my life the tables have turned and now I have fallen victim to anxiety. It made me angry at first, likely a result of some pride. Nobody wants to experience anxiety, especially when they have managed 45 years without it.  Most of my anxiety seems to be a result of my lack of sleep.  I lay awake all night, not with anxiety, just my thoughts not stopping.  Often times I play out scenarios of how my day might go, who I’ll talk to, what their response could be, but the bulk of what runs through my mind are song lyrics.  The songs are random, usually something I’ve been using in my workouts at the Y, but they are on super high speed. My mind can barely keep up with them at times. My therapist told me that if I was in bed longer than 30 minutes and not asleep, I need to get up and do something.  Seems logical, but I can’t find the motivation to even get up.  I just fight.  I fight the insomnia thinking I am better than it and that I can will myself to sleep.  I try to go to bed by 10, but then I’m awake at 11:30pm, still watching the clock at 1:30am, and then by 3am I am up for the day but still laying there fighting myself with these songs on repeat at 120 MPH. I finally drag myself out of bed at 5am to start my day at the Y.  I try to reset with some reading and coffee before hitting the law office, and then I struggle all day yawning and crying because I’m so exhausted that every emotion or task is overwhelming and feeling like I can’t breathe. On the days that I do get a little sleep, I feel much better and everything is manageable. I still feel overwhelmed, but not to the point of panic and tears. This has been an ongoing issue for a few weeks now and I started praying as I lay there and asking God, “Why can’t I sleep, what are you trying to tell me?”  I’ve tried it all; melatonin, CBD, magnesium, a glass of wine in the hot tub, reading, reducing caffeine and electronics.... I finally reached out to see my therapist regularly instead of thinking I could just go “as needed” because I realize that what I need is consistency.  I also humbled myself and called the doctor asking for help.  My therapist has me doing breathing exercises and journaling while the doc has me popping pills to get me to sleep.  One med wasn’t enough apparently, because I now have 3 to juggle when the first 2 wouldn’t cut it.  You would think that 3 medications designed for anxiety and sleep would knock down an elephant, but NOPE, not this elephant. 

Yesterday was a tough day.  I cried, a lot.  I managed to get through my class at the Y, hit my favorite spot for reading and tried to pray and reflect on what all this was.  I read a chapter in The Awe of God and sat for bit.  As I was leaving, in tears again, I felt God speak to my heart that this was just something I needed to go through. That I needed to stop fighting the emotions, feel them and then release them to Him.  Just as when Jesus was in the wilderness, His flesh was weak but the Spirit was strong. I need to allow Holy Spirit to do in me whatever He pleases while I just lay all my hurt, my struggles, my pain and my pride at the foot of the cross. So, I cried as drove to the office, I cried at my desk, I had lunch and cried with a friend, then when late afternoon came and I was all alone I locked the door of the office and hit my face to the floor and just cried out to God and asked Him to sustain me and thanked Him.  I needed to be reminded that He is all I need and that if I just simply rely on Him, He will sustain me and get me through whatever all this is. Nothing of this world will ever be able to sustain me, carry me, or provide for me the way God does. Those are temporary fixes to a lifetime problem.  But eternity is coming, and that is where my hope lies. 

I popped my sleep aids last night at 7:30pm and laid down in my bed.  I attempted to read in Romans and as my vision began to blur, I laid my Bible down and my glasses on top of it and just allowed myself to slip into my blanket and drift to sleep.  My daughter was kind enough to shut my light off when she came home.  I rested well and instead of looking at the clock when I did wake up, I began to pray and just thanked God for who He is and for all He provides.  Then the song Sustain by TC began to just run through my head at a normal speed.  Instead of fighting myself and trying to will myself back to sleep, I enjoyed the lyrics of the song and let in minister to my heart.  I had a sub take over my class today at the Y so I was able to stay in bed until 7:30am.  I took my time and enjoyed worshiping in the shower then coffee and breakfast with my daughter. 

So far, I have made it half way through the day without anxiety and without tears (except when I was worshiping, but that always happens 😊 ). Progress! I’m taking time to journal my feelings but also to journal my story. My therapist says if I journal, I'll begin to see my healing. I’ve lived through a lot, most of which I have never really spoke of.  I have lived thinking that if I ignore it, it never happened. I’m learning to share bits and pieces of my history as the Lord directs but it is often hard to trust people with such heaviness. We have normalized for too long staying silent about the things that haunt us.  In the words of Pastor Jerry Flowers, “Secrets don’t keep you safe, they keep you stuck.”  We can learn a lot about our patterns and change them if we simply take the time to study them and heal. We all have a story that needs to be shared, we just don’t know who we may help pull from the pit by allowing God to use our pain for His glory and the good of His people. My testimony is one of victory, acceptance, restoration and reconciliation. Today I choose to allow God to sustain me in my joy and in my pain, in my rest and in my weakness.  

As I decided to get out of bed, I checked my Bible app verse of the day and scrolled on Instagram for a hot minute.  The verse of the day came from 2 Cor. 10:5, which says:  “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV. It's not easy to take our thoughts captive, but when the enemy speaks lies to us and we know that it goes against God’s word, we MUST redirect that back to His truth. I know often times I am my own biggest enemy and that’s why I have to stop fighting this season and embrace it, giving it right back to God and counting it ALL joy as I know that “suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us”- Romans 5:3-5.

As I finished my morning scroll, there was a picture on Instagram of this girl and she was handing a dark mess up to the hands of the Father and under it was Psalm 55:22: “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalms 55:22 NIV

God’s timing is never wrong, it’s always perfect and right on time.  I will embrace my mess, my pain, my tears and even my anxiety and insomnia and instead of fighting it and focusing on it, I’ll feel it and release it back to my Savior knowing the He will sustain me. This is only temporary, it’s a season and it will pass because joy comes in the morning! My favorite line of the song by TC is “Your promises always come true, not dependent on me but relying on You, Your mercies are new everyday so I will trust You.” Enjoy the song lyrics below, I pray they speak to you as they have spoken to me:

Sustain, as performed by Chandler Moore, Jekalyn Carr and Transformation Worship

Holding on to your Word,

It’s the Light in the dark

Hope for my heart

Seasons come, people change

But you were there at the start

You won’t leave at this part

When my heart fails,

In the Faith I know

I find strength in you alone

You Sustain, You sustain

In the middle of it all

You remain the same

Through the rain, still you reign

You Sustain

Letting go of our fear

Not sure what’s ahead

But I trust what you say

Spirit come have your way

I surrender my pride

Lord here is my life

You sustain, You sustain

In the middle of it all

You remain the same

Through the rain, still you reign

You sustain

Your promises always come true

Not dependent on me

But relying on you

Your mercies are new everyday

So I will Trust you

[audrak79]

Broken, but not beyond repair...

I never imagined that at 45, having been married 24 years, and having spent 29 years in that same relationship, that I would be working through a divorce.  I have worked in the legal field helping others through their divorces for 27 years. The story of how I got here is not for all to know and certainly not something to share like this. It’s a story that affects many and, while their story is part of mine, that does not mean I have a right to air it all out.

A big part of my story began when I was 16. I had no clue who I was, where I was going, what I wanted to be, I was just a baby and knew one thing... I wanted out of where I was and I knew there had to be something better. What happened from here many would call a fairy tale. Much of it seemed that way. But as with any relationship, it had its problems, ups and downs. I’ve learned a lot in my life, most of it the hard way.  As with any relationship, we both could have and should have done better, worked harder for it. Life gets exhausting and people change. And while we can't change people or stop them from changing, we CAN control what we tolerate and how we respond to what’s in front of us.    

The last 3 years have been the toughest 3 years of my life.  It’s been trying on our family.  That’s a story and testimony for another blog... when the time is right.  Trauma affects our whole story and the stories of those closest to us and sometimes it even branches out further than that.  As Pastor Mike Todd has said, “what you don’t transform, you transfer.” Before you start a relationship, you should know your own identity or you will take on that of others and try to make them your own. Process your own trauma. You can't expect a good relationship if you don’t feel you can share your trauma because you've never faced it head on and you try to pretend it never happened. Get comfortable with yourself so that you can be vulnerable without fear of shame or embarrassment. It's hard to help someone through their trauma if you've never addressed your own. Faking it only causes bitterness, anger, anxiety, depression, stonewalling etc. and just as you can't control someone or change others, you can’t control their healing either, and you certainly won't help them when you ignore your own hurt. One thing I wish for every human, and I am still working on, is that we could all master the art of good communication. Listening more, talking less. Communicating expectations so assumptions don't leave one hurt unnecessarily. Sometimes a person just needs to know they are heard.

I've made poor choices, I'll continue to make poor choices. But I'm going to strive each day to make better choices. I'm going to try starting fresh and this time around, NOT do things out of order. I'm going to stay firm and grounded in Christ, so much that it spews out in everything I do and I will not be ashamed or embarrassed of what that looks like. I will love so hard that it makes others wonder where it comes from and plants a seed to be watered that has them seeking the Lord because they need that kind of joy in their life. I will forgive more as I also need forgiven and holding onto that seed of offense only allows a root of bitterness to grow. Life is painful. Words hurt. Life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and it takes a lifetime of practice. Out of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45), which is why we need to check our hearts before we speak. 

Regret.... without the poor decisions I've made, I may never have come to know who I am, I wouldn't have some of the greatest things and experiences that I have had. While I have regret for any harm I may have done to others, and I am sad and even disappointed in myself for the way I have handled some things, I am not sure I would wish for things to have been different. In a perfect world, sure, but we live in a broken world and I'm going to pray that God will continue to make beauty from my ashes, even from the dumpster fires that I caused or fanned into flame. What I CAN do is, instead of focusing on what I did wrong or could have done better... repent, turn, start new, fresh, and try harder to simply be a better reflection of Christ today than I was yesterday. I know I will never regret following Him.

So, excuse me while I heal. It looks different for everyone and while this seems like a new life event as social media and public appearances paint a pretty picture, it may not be as fresh as the picture was painted. I'll likely not be on social media for a while other than to share an occasional Word from God with a picture of my coffee. I trust that those closest to me will reach out personally and directly. My profiles have my contact info in them. God is good, even when we aren't. Trust the process. Be willing to be refined in the fire. I promise, eternity with Christ is worth it. I was reading a few months ago in Isaiah and shared the following on social media:

“Studying this morning and as I hit Isaiah 38 and 39, I praised God for His reminder of the importance of humility, the dangers of pride, and that our actions have consequences. But most importantly, that EVEN when I suffer consequences, EVEN when things seem to go badly, EVEN in the midst of suffering... I will praise my God and thank Him for His love, correction, and grace. For His ways are higher than mine. Who am I to criticize His divine direction.”

I know who I am now. I am the daughter of the King Most High, a co-heir with Christ. I am chosen, forgiven, treasured, sought, beautiful, strong, flawless, never forsaken. I am His.

8/20/24

[audrak79]

In response to the Travis Scott/Astroworld concert… A lesson from Zacchaeus. 11/9/21

As I see the news stories, pictures and videos of the tragic events at Astroworld, it just simply brings me to tears to think that our own human race could be so selfish. As you can see from all of the videos and pictures, fans continued to press in tighter and tighter as the crowd grew larger and larger. These fans wanted to be closer and closer to this artist who sings about nasty things, encourages violence at his concerts and has an arrest record to prove it. They were so concerned about their own worship of this artist that they were oblivious to the fact that they were suffocating and crushing other human lives. But what do we expect in our society when we cheer on things like the murderous act of abortion? We continue to take a variety sin and allow it by law because it feels good. Me me me me me. All about self. This morning, the story of Zacchaeus came to mind. You can read the full story in Luke 19. Jesus was notorious for drawing a crowd. Nowhere in the Bible does it mention people trampling other people to death just to see Him or worship Him. Instead we see how people found another way. Also, Jesus drew crowds because of His good works and good words. One man was lowered from the roof top in hope Jesus could heal him. One lady just touched is clothing. Zacchaeus, he went ahead of the crowd and he waited. Jesus rewarded his patience and perseverance. As parents, it is so important to pay attention to what is going into the minds, the eyes, and the ears of our kids as these things penetrate the heart. These 8 victims included a 14 yr old boy and a 16 yr old girl and the others were in their early 20s. All completely preventable. Every fan who pushed to get a little closer has played a part in this death. The artist too. I’ve seen footage showing camera men who refused to help after being shown dead bodies and they shooed the attendees away. What have we been teaching our kids to make them think this is ok or normal?! The problem has been, is, and will continue to be sin. The enemy comes to devour (1Peter 5:8). Make no mistake that the enemy is laughing and all over something completely preventable. We all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). But we have a choice. We can choose to be a better example by not supporting or promoting sinful behaviors. There’s plenty of great music that doesn’t promote sexual immorality, violence or drugs. I challenge my rap friends to give KB or Andy Mineo a try (there are so many others but these are 2 of my favs). Heavy metal? Try Skillet or Phinehas. Music is powerful. We all know this. Choose it wisely, you can’t unhear or unsee things. Everything that goes in effects what we put out. How can we be surprised at what happened at this Astroworld when it’s exactly what the artist sings of and what the fans praise? Lord Jesus, help us be more like You. In a world crushing life in the crowd, help us to remember Zacchaeus. Help us Lord to deny ourselves and to take up our cross to follow you. Lord we ask that you comfort those grieving and bring healing to the other victims. We pray Lord that this be an awakening for all. Lord we await Your glorious return and praise You as we wait. Lord forgive us. In Your name Jesus, Amen.

[audrak79]

Are you a “Millennial” in your walk with God?

We often poke fun at our younger generations (the Millennials/Generation Y and the Gen Z kids).  We talk about their lack of independence, their entitlement, their selfishness, and inability to think through things.  We’ve all seen the memes.  We’ve all experienced it.  I work at a busy law office.  I have 4th year college interns, some honors students and Dean’s List kids, yet they have no clue how to address an envelope, use a land line, have never written a check, or don’t even know what a deposit slip is. Their cell phone takes priority over ANYTHING.   We laugh about it.   I don’t want these younger generations to think I am picking on them, I mean I am but I also understand that this is a result of our society and what they have told us is normal.  Hmmmm, ROMANS 12:2 can’t be preached enough.  Anyway, what I just realized is that this is how Christians act with their faith.  WHAT!?!?!  Yes.  I’m serious.  Think about it.  There is no independence.  There’s the expectation for the Pastor to “feed you” spiritually.  The entitlement of the gift of salvation without the realization of what that cost was (why the price has to be paid to begin with) and what that really means you are to do with your new life.  The selfishness of doing everything for self and nothing for His kingdom or for HIS GLORY.  And the inability to think things through, because if you did you wouldn’t be doing the last 3 things I listed.   We all show up on Sunday, listen (or sleep through) the sermon, sing a little or maybe just clap your hands to the music. We smile as we leave, greet a few people that we greet every week.  Then you leave the building, and nothing happens until 7 days later when you do the same thing as the week before.   We get hung up on self that we lose sight of the most incredible selfless act ever performed, Christ’s death on the cross.  Sure, you think about it when you take communion.  But if you are truly realizing what that means, why are you still stuck in this weekly routine?  How often does the Bible get picked up and read from Sunday afternoon through Saturday night? How often are you praying and giving thanks for even the breath in your lungs?  How often are you sharing what God has done in your life with others?  How often are you sacrificing something to give to someone else?  1 John 3:17 is pretty clear: “If anyone has material possessions and see a brother or sister in need but has not pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?”  It’s great to join a fundraiser for your favorite cause, attend a banquet dinner, march for awareness, etc.  But this is supposed to be part of our EVERYDAY life.  Not just the occasional event.  Are you filling your calendar and saying “God, please bless this and get me through!”?  Or are you asking God, “Lord, please fill my calendar with what You say is important for Your kingdom and Your people.”  When we put self first, where is Holy Spirit supposed to fit in?  Put Him first and I guarantee you everything else will fall in line.  The Mary Kay business has great skincare and cosmetics, but guess what else, it is a model of GOD FIRST, FAMILY SECOND, CAREER THIRD.  God comes first.  He comes before your spouse (when you put God first, you are honoring your spouse).  He comes before your kid’s ball game (there will be more and if you are teaching your kids right, they will understand).  He comes before your career (He will guide you through your workday if you let Him).  It’s time for self examination.  What have you ignored, neglected, or put off because of self, your spouse, your kids, or your job came first?  Your spiritual growth? Serving God’s people? Giving of your possessions because you aren’t comfortable without them?  (OUCH!)  Or maybe you are afraid others will be weirded out if you put your priorities where they should be.  Maybe you’re afraid of what others will think if you miss a game or if you pray in public.   Maybe you ae afraid to let go and dance or cry during worship because someone else would see you, or because your knees became so week at His presence that you fell to your knees or just couldn’t stand.  Guess what.  It doesn’t matter what others think.  IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU!  It’s about Jesus.  It’s about taking up your cross and following Him.  It’s about sacrifice and doing it for His sake, not your own. So I encourage you. Dance and jump like crazy, sing even if it doesn’t sound good, cry, pray out loud, love and serve others daily.  Feed yourself by reading your Bible, attending a retreat, finding quiet time alone, joining a study group, seeking wise counsel, or by being wise counsel to someone else.   Be an example inside and outside the church.  When someone prays, join them.  If someone falls because they are so aware of Holy Spirit’s presence, catch them or hit your knees with them.  Things don’t happen when we wait for someone else to do it for us or by remaining comfortable.  Things happen when we rise up and listen to Holy Spirit speak. So are you a hypocrite?  Are you laughing at the meme’s and society’s new norm yet doing the same in your walk with Christ?  You can change that.  Don’t conform, be transformed. Let the scriptural norm be revived and put to death the societal norm.  Lord Jesus, I pray that help me step out and make me uncomfortable.  Lord I pray for opportunities to love your people.  I pray my eyes are open to these opportunities.  I pray that I let go of self and pick up your agenda that you would have for me.  Thank you Lord for the breath you provide so that we can do Your work.  Thank you that You are not finished with me yet.  I love you Lord!  Amen.  09/30/19

[audrak79]

"I trust You’ve got something better for me....”

So yesterday started like any other Saturday.  I held exercise at the church, went to bible study at the winery ( #winewiththeword ), fed the family lunch, ran to a Bulldog Development meeting, then met some friends for wine tasting and dinner at my fav, Cooper’s Hawk.  Little did I know what God had in store from there forward.  My wine tasting started with awesome conversation with awesome friends and quickly turned into a chance to share God’s word.  We had great wine, even greater food, with the greatest people.  As we left, my husband and I were jamming in the car on the way home to some worship songs and God hit me, like full-on smacked me up the front of the face, YOU NEED TO BE AT MT. TABOR METHODIST AT 9AM TOMORROW WITH BRAD DAUGHERTY!  I asked Benji what he thought about attending this service to support Brad as he presented for the first time his “Even If” story.  If you aren’t familiar with it, just look him up on facebook or check out #courage4christian.  I texted Brad and asked if he would like us to be there and of course, he said yes.  I set the alarms, because this girl does not like mornings, and it was a 9am service 30 minutes from the house instead of a 10:15 service 5 minutes from the house.  We got to the little church in Dunkirk, IN about 8:50am, found our buddy Brad and took a seat.  We prayed before Brad spoke, prayed God would give him the right words and prayed for the receiving ears of this testimony.  As Brad began speaking, he asked us to open our bibles to Isaiah 55:8-9.   “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  We can’t understand or comprehend God’s plan or His will.  Brad spoke about his son who at age 6 (and he is now 8) has had to experience the unimaginable pain of a unique type of brain tumor and is now up to 6 surgeries.  Through it all, he chose, CHOSE, to not be angry at God, “even if” the unspeakable and unthinkable happens.  He spoke of the amazing God moments, his Riley Moments, and how he learned to talk to God while at Riley.  He then jumped to Hebrews 11:17-19.  “By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son,  of whom it was said, Through Isaac shall your offspring be named.  He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back.”  I was reminded of the song “Isaac” by Hollyn.  She sings “even when I feel like I’m gonna break, I will lift my hands to you... open up lift your hands higher, I know it’s hard.  Give me back what I have given, trust my heart.”  Google the lyrics, you will cry... it’s amazing.  The bottom line of her song is the message behind the story, we must trust that God has something better for us “even if” we feel like we are going to break. Trust.  Have faith. As I listened to Brad continue, I felt compelled to read the remainder of Isaiah 55.  As I was reading I was also hearing Brad speak about how many messages he gets from followers of his posts about them coming to Christ or attending a church service. He continued on talking about how we must love and do what we are called to do.  He said he didn't know what God was trying to teach him or his family through all this, but he was willing to to never be angry and continue to praise Him.  I finished reading Isaiah 55 and after the service I asked Brad if he had read the remainder of the chapter as it relates to what he is doing now.  He said “no”, I said well I’m going to read it to you now.  “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the Lord, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.” Did you hear that?  THE WORD OF GOD WILL BE GO OUT AND WILL NOT RETURN EMPTY, IT WILL ACCOMPLISH IT’S PURPOSE, IT WILL SUCCEED.  YOU SHALL GO OUT IN JOY, LED BY PEACE.  IT SHALL MAKE A NAME FOR THE LORD!  Brad is living out God’s will for his life.  He has sent Brad to share the good news, to bring people to Him.  Through Christian’s story, his family’s faith, their courage, and their proclamation that God is good all the time.  Wow!  Just wow!  The title of Isaiah 55 is different depending on the translation you read.  ESV calls it “The Compassion of the Lord”.  NLT says “Invitation to the Lord’s Salvation”.  No matter what translation you choose, this book and chapter is what God has called Brad to share.  As we left in total awe and amazement, I knew Benji had been brainstorming (he even had his calculator out during the service) on ways to help as he heard Brad speak (please check out our new event on ways to help in our Another Berry Long Run Facebook page).  We stopped at our church on the way home since we knew the sermon was still in progress.  The current sermon series is “6 Things Jesus Did NOT Die For.”  And todays thing ...... Jesus did not die so we could live a pain free life.  Again, WOW!  Matthew 11:28 says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  I’ll leave you with that.  #courage4christian #Godisgoodallthetime  July 7, 2019

[audrak79]

The Big 4-0

If you google “turning 40”, great memes pop up. Some of my favs: FORTY, THE ULTIMATE “F” WORD or HAPPY 40th, ENJOY YOUR COLONOSCOPY. Then there are articles about turning 40 & the things we need to know, most of which are depressing reads. However 1 article grabbed my attention, 5 BRUTALLY HONEST THINGS EVERY WOMAN TURNING 40 SHOULD KNOW. As I read through it I realized how sad aging without Jesus must be. So I’m going to go through this gals top 5 but use God’s word to address each one. Here we go. #1 Our bodies will require additional work. No more fast food or eating what we want & not paying for it. You know, less calories/more exercise. She quotes B.K.S. Iyengar who said “Your body is your temple. Keep it pure & clean for the soul to reside in.” Who is this person? Yeah, I wondered too because he totally ripped off this quote from Paul in his letter to the church at Corinth. Paul tells us “Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, & you are that temple.” 1 Corinthians 3:16-17‬, & “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:19-20‬. If my body is a dwelling place of the Holy Spirit, why wouldn’t I take care of it? Do we not pull out the good dishes, hide the laundry, & make sure our toilets are flushed (come on, you know it happens) when we know we are having company? So take care of yourself whether it be by diet, exercise, worship, & other healthy habits. #2 Get ready for the estrogen roller coaster & the depression likely to come with it. Hooray for Menopause. The writer encourages seeking professional help (ie counseling) in addition to finding your own sun (vacay) and laughter with friends. Ah, laughter is the best medicine, right? It’s good, but our God is the great physician so I’ll rely on Him. Lots of great reads for help with depression; Psalm 40:1-3, Romans 8:38-39, Isaiah 41:10, just to name a few. This one stuck out to me, “Blessed be the God & Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies & God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:3-4‬. #3 Heart disease is the number 1 killer of woman. That’s uplifting, not. The author focuses on healthy habits & encouraging the same for your kids, I’ll refer back to #1. Healthy habits are learned & why wouldn’t we want our kids to start early? (Proverbs 22:6). On a side note, let’s think about this too, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs‬ ‭4:23‬. #4 Vision quality decreases. Great. She stresses the importance of UV protection & a diet rich in antioxidants. Great advice. I’ll add that God can open the eyes of the blind. Yes, literally. But whether my eyes fail me or my sight remains in good condition, I pray that God would open the eyes of my heart, “having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,” Ephesians‬ ‭1:18‬. Finally, #5 I’ll be bombarded with worry. I call BS. I’ve never been a worrier & don’t see how 40 will suddenly change that. Massage and meditation was this author’s answer. I’ll pray and continue to dig into God’s word. Although a nice massage never hurt anyone. I’ve decided that as I turn 40, I’m looking forward to more than just my first mammogram. I’m focusing on being transformed instead of conformed (Romans 12:2), choosing joy over the hum-drum that comes with everything we encounter in this world. “A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs‬ ‭17:22‬. God gave us freewill, use it. I will intentionally and deliberately chose joy. 1/20/19

[audrak79]

What Are You Lenting

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of the Lent season. While some may remind me I'm not Catholic, my 12 year old daughter has reminded me of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross and asked to to join her sacrificing something that means a lot to me for the next 45 days. Last year she gave up pasta (huge as it is a staple in her diet) and I gave up soda (this also lead to a lifestyle change as I no longer drink it daily). Many of you know that I love sweets. I eat donuts several days a week in addition to cakes, cookies, brownies, and candies (ok, I eat sweets daily, all day long). My gut hiding beneath my shirt would show you the proof. So, starting tomorrow I will pray each time I desire my sweets and thank Jesus for His sacrifice for me. Hoping this will help me better pace myself and sweets will become special instead of a food group. Oh, Joon's giving up popcorn...because she eats it everyday. LOL. 2/28/17

[audrak79]

Jesus Changes Us

I was asked to make a 3 minute video with my husband answering 3 questions. It seemed easier to write it out first and see what this might look like. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again, I’m a visual person. So, here we go….

WHO WAS I BEFORE JESUS? I didn’t grow up in church. I was exposed at a very young age but from elementary school on, my church experience consisted of Christmas and Easter visits to little Bethel church. I don’t really remember a time that I didn’t believe God was real. I didn’t understand what being a Christian really entailed nor did I comprehend how big a deal Jesus’s death and resurrection was. I never doubted that Jesus died on the cross for me. I grew up hearing John 3:16 and knew that I could put my name right inside that verse and it still rang true. But it just wasn’t my lifestyle, wasn’t anything I thought about daily, weekly, or even monthly. I felt God’s presence from time to time; singing the twice a year I attended church, a knot in my stomach when I was making a poor decision. I call my young self the “blind faith believer”.

HOW DID JESUS GET MY ATTENTION? I saw a lot of crazy things growing up. I did a lot of crazy things. I made really bad choices. But I usually had a moment in that poor decision which made me only make that decision once (of course getting caught helps there too). But it wasn’t during that time that Jesus got my attention. I don’t think I was ready to listen. After the birth of our daughter, I felt a really strong tug to make sure she grew up in the church since I didn’t. I mean, I don’t know how anyone gives birth and doesn’t realize who real God is. We started visiting Bethel church as a family. They passed out these videos during their living nativity. The Jesus movie, we called it. The book of Luke in movie form. I’m not a reader so it was perfect for me, I’m a totally visual person. I remember watching it one day when I was home alone, maybe Joon was asleep. I cried so hard watching the death of Jesus. It was like a light switch was turned on. That he REALLY and ACTUALLY died for me. At the end of the movie was that prayer to invite Jesus into your life, into your heart. I sat there and repeated those words from the movie prayer and had no clue what to do next. Over the next few years I watched how God transform my life. It wasn’t overnight. It wasn’t without bumps in the road. But slowly, I see where God was through my entire childhood and young adult life. I didn’t see Him then, didn’t recognize Him always, but I see how He was putting my life together. Like a puzzle. I was young and confused and didn’t know what life was supposed to look like but I can see those pieces now fitting together.

WHO IS JESUS MAKING ME INTO? He’s making me more like Him. I don’t know exactly what the finished puzzle looks like for me here on earth, but I know it’s ever changing. I no longer make excuses. I decided to be a “yes girl” for Jesus. God has led me to and through some pretty incredible things. I’m not perfect and I am trying everyday to be more and more like Jesus. I’m a better wife, mother, and friend. I strive to put others first and hold my tongue. I recognize the enemy when he tries to make me fall. I’m still a mouthy wife and a controlling mother. I’m still sloppy and my husband cleans up the mess. But slowly, I recognize my faults and I try to correct them. I take better care of myself because I know that I am made in His image and that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit inside me. I’m a work in progress until His returning.

February 2017

[audrak79]

Now or never....

I don’t really know where to begin.  There are so many things I want to share but it seems that maybe each “thing” should be it’s own blog, however the point of this blog is to share what’s on my heart right now… the gospel, and why it is THAT important.  I’m not really sure how to do that. You see, I’m still learning but I know God has things he wants me to share.  So many great things have happened in my life, too many to count. There are so many amazing relationships started or that have grown, sickness healed, hearts mended, and I MUST give all glory to God for that. I could go into so many details about how I know God made those things happen, but that is another blog.  I think I should start a blog simply called “my God winks”.  You know those moments that some might call “coincidence”, but I know it is God giving me a little wink, telling me, “I’ve got this!”  

What sticks out right now is this, I have so many family members and friends that are “non-believers”, they either don’t believe or aren’t familiar with who Jesus is and what He did for them.  This is hard for me to swallow.  God’s word tells us in Romans 10:13 “for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”  That’s awesome, right?  But there is a second part.  The part that many forget.  Verse 14 says, “How then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?”  Yup, that part that makes so many of us Christians nervous, the part that makes us feel uncomfortable.  That part being SHARING the good news, preaching the gospel.  It’s not an easy topic to start, especially if you are new to really growing in your relationship with God. Like, all I can think of is a meme of “excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ?”  You know, the one with like a zoo safari animal sticking it’s head in the car window at the 2 year old who is totally freaked out. Or the one with the dog sticking it’s head through the dog door.  Hysterical, but seriously…. I was always what I would call a “blind faith” believer.  There was never a reason I shouldn’t believe.  I mean let’s face it, how many people did you encounter in your youth, or even in your lifetime, that didn’t celebrate Christmas.  Or Easter!  If that many are celebrating those holidays, there must be some sort of truth to it.  So, I lived the bulk of my life just knowing that there was an Almighty God, a Creator and that He sent His Son to die for me and anyone who would accept Him and believe.  I didn’t really think I needed to know more than that.  I prayed, sometimes (or told people I would thinking that the thought was enough).  We are really good at that, “please pray for ______”  or “keep my family in your prayer”, to which we reply, “Got it”  or “done!”, yet did we really or was it just the thing to say?  

As my daughter approached toddlerhood, I realized that I wasn’t equipped to teach her about Christmas and Easter etc.  I could tell you amazing stories of how we started going to church, how God lead us to our current church, how we met the current pastor of our church, how my family decided to get baptized together, and the way the dots connect…. it’s NOT coincidence.  It was a perfect plan by a perfect God to get us where He wanted us and when He wanted us there. 

So here it is.  It’s real simple. To my family and friends who don’t know anything about God, Jesus, faith, or being a Christian: Let me tell you about a man named Jesus who was born unto a virgin and came to save the world.  He died for YOU!  He took upon Himself the most brutal death, the weight of EVERY sin EVER committed and that would EVER BE committed, he took all that pain so you wouldn’t have to suffer for all eternity.  He was buried.  He laid in a sealed tomb 3 days and then got up!  That’s right. He walked out of tomb, alive, and many witnessed that it was really Him.  They had dinner with Him.  Could you imagine?!  I know it sounds crazy, right?  Like, “DUDE, YOU WERE DEAD!”  I don’t know that anyone denies that Jesus was a man that walked on the earth during the time and era the bible says He did (I can’t back that up, I’m sure someone out does).  Many will doubt my statements above about why Jesus died and that He flat out conquered death.  But here is my challenge and my prayer (not just for the ones who don’t know who Jesus is, but also those who have heard of him but chose to ignore the possibility that what the bible says is true) READ ABOUT IT.  Don’t just google it.  Don’t be “that guy” who googles “proof God does not exist”. Read the bible.  I am.  Well, I listen to it mostly because I HATE READING!  Like for real, can’t stand to read a book.  I know how pitiful that is.  But here are just a few things I have realized by reading/listening to God’s word: 

1.  There are WAY to many connections from one book to the next, from how the geneology is laid out, explanations of how and why things happen etc.  There is no way someone could just make this up.  I mean come on!  If they are just stories complied together, than why and how are they all connected the way they are? You won’t understand the detail until you actually start diving into it. Also, if it were designed just to make us feel good, why would ALL that genealogy be in there and how and where tribes went and all the other stuff that makes our heads spin. Or all the brutal death stories. It was not easy to get through some of it, BUT trust me, there is so much information in there and you won’t realize it’s importance until you ACTUALLY KEEP READING. It’s like the infomercial, “But wait!  There’s more!”   

2.  God’s timing is mind blowing. It is no coincidence that I am telling you all this RIGHT NOW.  It is God’s way of reaching you right now at this exact moment.  I have seen his timing at work so many times, and the more I dive in, the more aware I am of it.  For example: my church isn’t preaching through Old Testament, I’m not going through it at any of my bible studies, and I have attempted to read through the Old Testament with a a reading plan (”Read the Bible in 1 Year!”) for the past 3 years.  Yes, I said 3 years for the 1 year plan.  (Hey, I said I hate reading and I am by no means a perfect follower of Christ.  I am, however determined not to give up.  I can do all things through Christ… Philippians 4:13)  But here’s the funny part, I have been working on this 1 year plan for like 3 years and guess what? I’m only in like the 10th book out of 66.  Right now I have been going through how the Israelites (God’s peeps) are delivered out of slavery but keep messing up.  Yet in all their screw ups, God is faithful to His promise with them.  But instead of looking to Him as their ruler, king, leader, they decide to lean on their own understanding and do what they saw was right in their own eyes. Hmmmmm, sound familiar?  And the shit keeps getting deeper.  It’s like what happens today.  Even crazier, God used some pretty jacked up people to carry out His will (Just read the book of Judges). He needed to defeat these nasty and morally corrupt people to allow the Israelites a way to live apart from them and be the example but he didn’t have perfect people to do that with.  God will use who He wants, when He wants, to carry out His will.  Guess what, this all made sense during this election season.  I had my fav candidate, but I knew it ultimately did not matter.  We may have a president, but Jesus is King.  He will use whoever is president to do His will. So relax. God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the ones He calls.    

3.  The bible is like a big bar fight wrapped into the most amazing love story.  Weird right?  I know.  But if you read through it, you’ll see what I mean.  There are talking serpents, violent war stories, love stories, stories better than any blockbuster movie.  Give it a chance. Do it prayerfully. 

So, I don’t have all the answers.  I don’t even have a lot of answers.  Actually, I may not have a single answer to a single question. But if I don’t know the answer, I can find it and I know where to find it.  Life on this earth could end at any second.  We never know how much time we have.  If you aren’t a believer, think for a second that “what if this Jesus, Christianity, heaven and hell thing are real?”  Do you want to take the chance of not entering heaven when your earthly time is up when there is the greatest escape plan EVER?  If that is your only reason alone for reading and checking it out, so be it. My heart aches knowing that if Jesus came today, many of the people I love so dear would be left behind.  I CANNOT force someone to believe.  I CAN share the gospel in hopes they would be receptive to it.  

So that’s it.  I pray this: Lord Jesus, thank you for giving me the courage, wisdom, and ability to write this blog.  Thank you for bringing into my life so many people.  Lord, I know it is your desire for ALL to know you and that you have provided a way for them to do that.  Lord use me.  Guide me.  Go before me as I continue my journey doing Your work.  Lord, I pray that just one person that would read this would consider the idea of looking into what you have to offer, eternal life.  Lord, I pray that each one reading this is reading with an open mind and heart.  Lord, I ask for your blessing upon each person this blog reaches, that they may feel that little tug at their heart and recognize that it’s not indigestion or coincidence or any other thing they try to imagine.  That they would recognize the Holy Spirit upon them.  Lord, thank you for doing what I could not.  For dying for me.  Thank you Lord for living in me and allowing me to be used for Your Kingdom.  IN YOUR NAME I PRAY.  AMEN. 

November, 2016

[audrak79]

“...If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it...”

My title today comes from Luke 6:27-30.  It blows my mind how the Lord gives us the words we need, when we need it.  How He prepares us for what is to come and comforts us during the storms of everyday life.  This past Sunday I had the privilege of teaching the 1st-5th graders at church.  Our lesson was loving your enemies, Luke 6:27-30. Monday started like any other Monday; HECTIC, crazy, emotional, just a plain ole hot mess.  But as always, I had workout at the church at the end of my day.  This workout time is something I look forward to EVERYDAY! I don’t just need the workout, I can run or do sit ups anywhere.  I need this time for the fellowship with the women that come and for the worship, the time with God just letting go the worries of the day.  Workout started like any other workout.  I announced what playlist we would be using.  Monday happened to be our first ARM DAY!  Everyone has a love/hate relationship with arm workouts.  We hate them because they are hard, tiring, and painful, but we love the results.  Immediately while doing our opening stretches, I found myself just really dig’n the worship. We opened with Big Daddy Weave’s “My Story”.  What an awesome song of how God has worked in our lives and through our lives and how telling our story to others is telling of Him, our Creator, our Friend, our Father, our Savior, our EVERYTHING.  Immediately I noticed I wasn’t alone in feeling the Holy Spirit’s presence in that gym. I saw arms raising and heard voices lifted.  AHHHHHH, how amazing!  The workout was fabulous.  At the conclusion we stretched to “Holy Spirit” by Francesca Battistelli.  Wow, what a song and what a way to end our workout…by asking God to fill us and fill the place we were in, to FLOOD it!  Again, smiles were upon faces and voices were lifted.  THANK YOU GOD!  As we were ending class, it was great to hear that 3 newcomers enjoyed themselves and said they would come back.  Hugs were exchanged and as we began to exit our spirits went from joy to fear in a matter of seconds realizing that 3 of the cars in the parking lot had broken windows and these gals purses and phone were gone.  VIOLATED!  It’s just stuff, but oh how it makes us feel when we are violated. We feel scared, dirty, sad, angry, and we panic.  We began the phone calls and quickly we were able to recognize that none of us were physically hurt and God had protected us. Someone could have easily attempted to enter the building, but something kept them at just entering the cars.  I mean, we were in the middle of a corn field with the State Highway right there for an easy get-away.  Waiting on the police to arrive, we had many conversations.  What I didn’t notice was any bitterness, hatred or really any sort of emotion.  We laughed about how depressing it was to lose your favorite lipstick. There was sadness in losing phones, credit cards, and even large amounts of Christmas cash that was about to be enjoyed.  I expressed how sorry I was that this happened.  I was so disappointed that 2 or our 3 newcomers had this happen to them.  Nothing says “WELCOME” like having your car window busted and your purse stolen.  I made sure to thank the ladies for their tithes and offerings, LOL, gotta laugh to keep from crying sometimes.  Once the police arrived (an hour after my call) I left the church grateful.  Grateful for having such amazing women in my life.  Grateful that our associate pastor was at the church and able to hang with us.  Grateful that our lead pastor stopped by to check on everyone.  Grateful my husband was prepared to investigate and patrol the area.  Grateful that nobody was hurt.  Grateful that it was only 3 cars instead of the 13 there.  Grateful that everyone handled the situation the way they did.  As I explained to my 11 year old daughter what happened, I asked her to pray with me.  Pray not just for the victims but for the perpetrators as well.  They needed something.  Whether it was right or wrong, whether it was food or drugs…. they had a need that I couldn’t understand and didn’t know about.  I wasn’t even thinking about the lesson I taught on Sunday, but God prepared my heart for how to react to this situation.  I didn’t even know it!  Didn’t realize it until Tuesday morning when I was looking for just the right words to say to our victims.  As I was looking for scripture on praising God through our storms (yes, I immediately started singing “Shackles” by Mary Mary. “…but as I lift my hands, I understand that I should praise You through my circumstance…”) I was reminded of Sunday’s lesson from Luke 6:27-30.  Not only did God prepare me through Sunday’s lesson, but he prepared all of us by filling us with the Holy Spirit during workout.  Our hearts were full, joyful, soft, and armed with His promise. The enemy did not like the presence of God being that strong and he tried to bring us down.  Didn’t work, our God is bigger than that.  So I will close with God’s word and be reminded of it, I hope it brings peace to you as well: 

Luke 6:27-30 (MSG) “To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer for that person. If someone slaps you in the face, stand there and take it. If someone grabs your shirt, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously.

April 5, 2016

[audrak79]

A New Year

It’s 2016.  Another year has begun.  I’ve never been one to blog, this is my first go at it.  What I do know is that I love reading other people’s blogs, devotions, Facebook posts, Instagram posts, tweets, etc.  What’s interesting is that I HATE to read, like despise it.  But for some reason reading about other people’s lives, their stories, their drama, their lessons, their praises, their hurt, their everyday everything is just much more easy and fascinating to read.  Why is that?  I guess that alone is a huge statement that I can explore to learn more about myself.  

Here’s what’s on my mind right now… 2015 was a ROCK’n year for me.  In 2014 my family publically accepted Christ as our Lord and personal savior by participating in a baptism ceremony.  Was that day we “accepted” Christ?  Nope.  But it WAS the day that we made it public, the day I asked the world to hold me accountable for the lifestyle I chose, the day I finally said, “ok, I know this Jesus, so from this day forward let’s do something about it!”  August 9, 2014, was just the launching pad for me and my rock’n 2015.  I became a “yes girl” instead of making excuses.  I began taking risks.  I quit saying “no” to things because I didn’t know what the result looked like. I finally realized what it looked like to surrender to Jesus and let him take the wheel (insert Carrie Underwood’s tune here).   Since August 9, 2014, I have been on 2 women’s retreats with my church gals, I took a class on abstinence training and sex education for high school kids, I joined a women’s small group at church, I started a women’s workout ministry at church, I joined the outreach committee at church, I began teaching regularly in children’s church, I started attending bible study, I started leading a bible study, and have now agreed to speak at our church’s service this month at a nursing home.  If someone would have told me 2 years ago that I would have even done one of those things, I would have thought they were nuts.  The thought of begin in a smaller more intimate group of people sharing their lives, learning about Jesus, praying together, speaking to a group, or speaking publicly TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT!  Still does.  What I do know is that I can trust in God’s word.  His word tells me that I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 ESV.  

Here are some of the things I have learned in 2015. 

1.            GOD IS AMAZING.  I already knew that, but this past year I have allowed God to truly reveal more about just how amazing he is.  For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial and takes no bribe.  Deuteronomy 10:17 ESV

2.            I CAN trust God’s word.  It’s so cool how when you just ask God to take over, ask Him to fill you so you can fill others, ask Him to speak through you…..HE DOES.  There have been so many times in years past where I was nervous or scared to death to pray out loud with a group.  “What do I say, how do I say it, what if I say the wrong thing, are their big words I should use, what if I mispronounce something, what if people think I’m a totally unknowledgeable dork?!”   I was also scared to death to even engage in conversations about God’s word for these same reasons.  Then I realized that it doesn’t matter how I say it, what I say, I don’t have to use big fancy words, and God knows what’s on my heart and what I’m trying to say even before I think it.  Now I gladly pray out loud, with others, in public!  I know when I trust Him and His word, He will bring forth the words that need spoken, the words that need to be heard.  He WILL speak through me.  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. James 1:5 ESV

3.            Give more.  Whether it’s of my time, my love, or my money, I know that whatever I am currently giving…I can do more.  It’s a fun journey.  To look at my schedule and find more time to volunteer, or more time to spend learning God’s word.  To forget looking at the checkbook register and just blindly give because I know it’s the right thing to do.  My schedule and my checkbook don’t make sense, but God has always taken care of it.   The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.  Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:6-8 ESV

4.            My body belongs to Him, not me.  I started a workout ministry because I couldn’t afford a gym membership and $5 per class 3-5 times a week was more costly than a gym membership.  I figured I wasn’t the only one who wanted free exercise, and what better way to exercise than to worship music.  I saw a need to be healthy.  I realized that being skinny wasn’t necessary, but being healthy was.  When you put God into everything we do, He moves!  Not only have I been able to become stronger and healthier in my body, I have become stronger in my relationship with God.  Taking time to just sing his praises and focus on Him who gets me through that second 8 count of squats, to thank Him for the ladies that are in that room doing the same thing, to build relationships with others and share experiences, pray for one another…it’s mind blowing!  Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, 20 for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ESV

5.            Listen to my elders.  As a younger person, I sometimes (well, ok… most always) thought I knew it all.  As I grow older, I see the importance of listening to my elders.  The stories they tell, the lessons they teach.  Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5  I can’t imagine all the valuable lessons, fun stories, or useful information I have missed because I didn’t take time years ago to be more humble, to just subject myself to the elders around me. 

6.            Don’t be afraid to enjoy my youth.  Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. 1 Timothy 4:12 ESV.   As I have learned to appreciate my elders, I’ve also learned not to be ashamed of my youth, my free spirit, my craziness, my ignorance, etc.  How awesome is it that even though I haven’t lived through as much as my elders, I’m not as wise as they may be, I can still be an example.  This is something I try to ensure my daughter knows.  Even at her young age of 11, she can be an example to those around her.  She can shine Jesus out for all to see by her words, her actions, her love. 

So as I begin 2016, I look back on my 2015 and can’t help but be excited.  What kind of goals could I make, what can I be better at, what can I do to make my relationship with God continue to grow?  As I mentioned in my opening, I HATE to read.  But I also mentioned that reading other people’s stories was easy.  Why have I not just changed my mindset?  The bible was always so intimidating, but the bible, God’s word, is nothing but other’s stories.  It’s full of the best, juiciest, dramatic, heartfelt, heartbreaking, and controversial stories EVER!  It’s like Facebook on steroids.  God has already given me the type of reading my heart longs for.  All I have to do is take the time to explore it.  Soooo, 2016…..here we go, this journey just got started.

January, 2016