autismisaokay - Tumblr blog

[autismisaokay]

[autismisaokay]

Something I’ve been trying to work on is lately is over sharing. I know I’m not the worst person I know of for it, but it really bothers me. I think part of it is the fact that while I can have a conversation I have trouble keeping it going. So the words slip out before I can catch them to keep the conversation going. I know it’s a matter of being a better person to myself and learning to self regulate better so I don’t do that. That way I don’t seek that validation and setting the reminder that, is the validation I seek now worth the anxiety I’m going to feel later for telling information I wasn’t 100 percent wanting out there in the first place? Unfortunately the whole my mouth beats my brain to it first continues to circle back to being a problem. I also have trouble gaging sometimes when the too personal has gone on for too long.

I will say it helps I have a circle of people who forgive me and understand. Or will change the subject in a way that doesn’t make me feel bad. I don’t always get when or why they are doing it but I do a good percent of the time. I’m proud of that growth.

[autismisaokay]

Dragon eggs by Bensworx on Etsy

[autismisaokay]

I fucking love attention when the right person is giving it to me.

[autismisaokay]

☽ 𝔊𝔬𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔠 𝔞𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔱𝔦𝔠 (x) ☾

[autismisaokay]

are you autistic and gay?

lesbian and autistic perhaps?

an autistic pan or bisexual?

asexual and autistic?

trans or non binary and autistic?

any autistic member of the LGBTQ+ community?

well guess what...

you're fucken great and I love you

[autismisaokay]

Things like depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other things can really mess with a person's memory.

[autismisaokay]

[autismisaokay]

me when i wanna talk about my special interests but i got the vampire autism where you gotta invite me to talk about smth first, otherwise i wont say shit or dont know what to say because i feel like im annoying

[autismisaokay]

That feeling when your body is requesting something but you're not sure what so you just start eating and drinking random stuff to try and figure it out

[autismisaokay]

Apparently people who don't have executive dysfunction think that actually working on something is the hardest part of doing something. And that's why they get mad that you call the rest of the project "easy" after you've finally worked through doing the plan and know what to do when you're working.

So when you're through with the epiphany of how to make it physically possible to make the thing you're making, and you're sharing the plan with excitement, because the hard part is over, and now you only have to get your hands moving and do it, they get mad at you like

"it's not that easy! It's a lot of hard work! >:C"

they mean it, because

to them, working is the hardest part.

They don't have to fight their brains to get started. They don't have to fight their way through making the choices, making the plan, making yourself make the thing. People who don't suffer from executive dysfunction think that the hardest part is actually doing the thing.

[autismisaokay]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[autismisaokay]

every month is autism month if youre autistic

[autismisaokay]

The support and accommodations available to autistic people, especially autistic adults, is abysmal.

Let the autistic community dictate what autistic people need, not "non-profit autism awareness organizations".

[autismisaokay]

Literally nothing will make me more evil than just being sort of overwhelmed by Noises

[autismisaokay]

Maybe the real treasure was the boops we made along the way