autisticsideblog

[autisticsideblog]

Sometimes I wonder if me and the younger liberal generations are uniquely mentally ill and "sensitive" and "weak-willed" and "attention-seeking" and then I remember my maternal grandmother, who I never knew, quietly drinking herself to death, never sober enough for my mom to feel it was safe enough for me to visit.

I think about my maternal step-grandfather with a frame full of medals from Vietnam who hit and verbally abused my mother and also drank himself to death.

I think about my paternal grandfather's "strange periods", where my grandmother remarked he was withdrawn, so quiet, so sad, and neither of them were equipped to deal with it. I wonder about the gun my grandfather kept in a drawer beneath the TV remote. I wonder if he ever thought about using it. I wonder how close I was to losing my grandfather before I was even born.

I think about my paternal grandmother's father, who walked out of her life when she was eleven. He left her, her two siblings, and her mother without a word or warning. I think about how she carried that for the rest of her life as the eldest daughter. I think about how she still gets choked up with anger about it eighty years later.

I think about my paternal grandfather's mother. She lost her husband in a mining accident. How she was always described as cold and distant. How she never hugged her son, my grandfather. How she would sit in a window and stare at the trees shaking in the breeze for hours. During that time my grandfather would put on a record of Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker and close his eyes. Listen to it through at least once a week while waiting for his mother to finally talk to him again.

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. . . these days, I think all of us "mentally ill liberal women*" are just the Rosemary Kennedies that it's no longer acceptable to lobotomize.

(*not just women. but they see us all as women, see all of our colors as some sort of "female hysteria" come over us instead of rightfully asserted identities.)

"you young mentally ill women* are lazy and unemployed" but in another life we would have been married off and imprisoned at home, unable to open our own bank account or prevent ourselves from getting pregnant and thinking we were defective and broken for being "so ungrateful" and feeling so alone, so alone, so alone.

I think about my maternal grandmother. We never met.

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It's so strange to see the men* in my life clamming up about their feelings again. Not letting themselves be hugged again. Wearing less colorful clothes again. Closing off, closing off.

(*not just the men, but they treat that word like a badge of honor, an achievement, something to be revoked as a punishment. It's not. It shouldn't be. But the closer you get to masculinity the more it seems to demand of you. Oh my brothers and masculine siblings, I am so sorry.)

They feel the movement to distance themselves from the "liberal female hysteria" overtaking them and they feel powerless to stop it.

(I wish to take my brother and my father in my arms. It's okay to cry, I whisper. It's okay to admit you're not feeling alright. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay. It's okay. I love you. Tell me what's wrong.)

I think about my paternal grandfather and the gun. I think about the man who ran away from my paternal grandmother's family without a word. I think about the step-grandfather who hit my mother as a little girl to make himself feel a little more powerful in his life after having it all stripped away in Vietnam.

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I wish I could bring them here to the current day and I wish I could hug them so hard, I wish they could be "neurodivergent" and "sensitive" and "sissy" with me. I wish they could experience the privilege of a community that understands them and a diagnosis that helps them feel less broken. I wish they could be prescribed medication instead of resorting to the only drug they could buy, the one that destroyed their livers and all of the relationships in their lives.

[autisticsideblog]

something has gone deeply wrong when "focusing pragmatically on issues you can influence and working to make life better for yourself and your community" is considered an unserious distraction while "endlessly exposing yourself to media about distressing situations you can't control" is considered political engagement

[autisticsideblog]

Is there any autistic person who is actually happy with their life? Or is it really constant suffering and alienation?

Every post in the actuallyautistic tag is about how we're fundamentally different and annoying and nobody understands ever and we have miserable lives. We have miserable little lives and no one talks to us and we can't survive on our own and it's so hard all the time forever. (This description is an exaggeration to make a point about how the actuallyautistic tag is deeply negative about autistic outlook on life.)

Is there anyone who's autistic who's. . . made it good? Who's set up a life that works for them? If so, I'd like to hear it.

Tumblr talks sometimes about "autistic joy", usually related to special interests, but I think it's about time we started talking about autistic hope.

[autisticsideblog]

Remember, neurotypicals see unmasking as a negative experience.

Example: if I bring my husband with me to doctor appointments, I stay unmasked. This usually means I stim a lot, don't force speech so I may use my text to speech app, and regulate through echolalia and palilalia. It helps me a lot and I generally cope in my mind better as I'm expending less energy and letting my husband and app "do the talking". I don't make facial expressions and any talking I do is usually monotone.

My husband thinks I'm actually worse off if he goes to the doctor with me. He doesn't understand how "acting more autistic" is actually better for me. I've explained it to him, but he struggles to understand, especially since from the outside I look like I may be in anguish.

Because don't forget, society has stigmatised the common actions associated with unmasking: rocking, nodding, repeating words, not giving the proper social cues, not talking etc are all "signs of someone about to lose it". Or some sort of ableist slur.

Masking keeps things moving smoothly for society. Even if it breaks me down. They don't worry about that part, as long as you do it at home.

[autisticsideblog]

Like. Autism doesn't come with an automatic love of hearing anyone infodump about anything they love. In fact sometimes it comes with the opposite. Sometimes restricted interests are in fact restrictive enough to make anything else boring. Sometimes it's just hard to process that much speech. Doesn't mean we get to be unkind about it either but yeah. This fantasy people push of autistics having endless energy and appreciation for each other's special interests is just not realistic.

[autisticsideblog]

I made this a long time ago but for some reason never posted! It is my quick guide to protecting yourself against burnout as a person with ADHD and ASD.

Of course it is all about meeting your support needs at the end of the day, which are completely individual and may vary over time, but this could function as a guide if you have a hard time figuring out where to start! 🫶🏻 💙💙💙

[autisticsideblog]

a big lesson for me was learning that most things are not as fragile as I’d believed. missing a class, or turning in a bad assignment, won’t instantly destroy your professor’s opinion of you. accidentally saying something harsh won’t make your friend want to end the friendship. it takes work to repair these things - it takes effort and research and sometimes a sincere apology - but you can do that because they’re not irreparably broken. what you’ve worked to build, in academia and in relationships and in life, is stronger and more enduring that your mind may teach you to believe. don’t let imagined fragility lead you to giving up

[autisticsideblog]

In my perfect autistic world you'd be able to order free fabric swatches of any online clothing you wanted to buy before you bought it. Send post.

[autisticsideblog]

"It only takes one bad day for you to become a villain!" no the fuck it does not. You are not doomed to being evil just because you performed evil actions in the past. You are not doomed to being evil just because you lashed out or were selfish yesterday. You are not doomed to being evil. You are not doomed!!!!!

[autisticsideblog]

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[autisticsideblog]

Maybe this therapy shit is working

[autisticsideblog]

One of the things that sucks about being a neurodivergent person who doesn’t drink is that I seem to interpret the term “all ages” differently than other people.

When I read that an event is all ages, I assume they mean it. As in, this really is something anyone can enjoy no matter how young or old they are, like a public library or a park or a beach. It’s not targeted to any one specific age group and there’s something here for everyone.

But sometimes it seems like event organizers use “all ages” to mean “This event is targeted solely at small children and their parents but I guess if a childfree adult happens to wander in, we won’t kick them out even though it’s weird and out of place for them to be here.”

And that’s led to some unpleasant surprises when I find something that looks fun to go to, show up, realize I’m the only childfree adult there because everything about the event was made with children in mind, and end up leaving two minutes after arriving while feeling embarrassed. 🙃

[autisticsideblog]

I'm not even "proship" but fandom purity culture is HELL for OCD people.

[autisticsideblog]

[autisticsideblog]

something has gone deeply wrong when "focusing pragmatically on issues you can influence and working to make life better for yourself and your community" is considered an unserious distraction while "endlessly exposing yourself to media about distressing situations you can't control" is considered political engagement

[autisticsideblog]

something has gone deeply wrong when "focusing pragmatically on issues you can influence and working to make life better for yourself and your community" is considered an unserious distraction while "endlessly exposing yourself to media about distressing situations you can't control" is considered political engagement