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                   Let’s see… Whose life shall I ruin today?

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avillainess‌:

Pain is temporary

     I gotta talk about how high Liliana’s pain tolerance is for a second because it’s actually stupid high and it’s truly awesome how much she can endure.

     Just a few instances of this:

     In her origin story when she went to see Kothophed, he literally peeled away her old form and underneath was the youthful Liliana we know today. That is not metaphorical. He ripped her old body off of her. I can’t even begin to comprehend how much that would have hurt. And then he carved the magical contract into her new skin. All over her body. He cut into her. Every single line you see on her was from that, his magic slicing her open.

     There are many instances on Innistrad, which makes sense seeing as she adopted the plane as her new home for a majority of her life. Just to name a few in recent memory. When Jace was going mad and came and accused Liliana of the mess at the drownyard. Crazy Jace is terrifying. His mind magic is extremely strong and not only was he ramming himself into her head, she had to fight back the chain veil from taking over so she didn’t kill him. That entire story I could talk about for twelve hours ugh. It’s such a good scene. Anyway.

     Immediately after that scene, she had the geistmage Dierk and his assistant Gared blast a shit ton of energy at her face while she was wearing the chain veil. They used the power of a bolt of lightning! She took a lightning bolt to the face! The amount of pain she was in during that is insane. And she kept saying the mantra that I’m sure she lives by at this point: Pain is temporary.

     Her fight with Emrakul was actually crazy. She used enough power to make an enormous eldritch horror stagger! She was resisting her influence. Yeah, she had help from the Raven Man, he was shielding her mind, but that must have been so much. That plus the chain veil doing its work on her body as she continued to siphon more and more power from it. After a while, it was all she could do to stay alive. One more moment. That fight took such a toll on her.

     Any time she uses the chain veil, her scars open up and bleed. Even when she doesn’t use it, when she just uses a lot of power, she starts bleeding. So much so, it’s a non-issue for her, just an inconvenience. Unfortunately, messy.

     And those are just a few examples! None of this includes the emotional pain. That's an entirely different beast.

     Pain is temporary. She lives and breathes by that.

Edit: God, and I just reread the story where she ate Razaketh. He takes complete control of her body, makes her walk through the river of blood. Doesn’t let her breath. At one point he dislocated her shoulder and she casually popped it back in without really much care. It even mentioned basically what I’ve been saying. “In her long life, Liliana had withstood a number of tortures. She had fought, lost, aged, willfully signed away her soul, and more.” Like. Wow! She’s so badass. Ugh I love her.

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y’all remember when Liliana used to wear the Chain Veil on her face? I’m so glad she stopped doing that. 

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“We could have been happy. I know that, and it is perhaps the hardest thing to know.”

— Ally Condie (via quotemadness)

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Quiet when I'm coming home, I'm on my own. I could lie and say I like it like that, Like it like that.

Billie Eilish - When The Party’s Over (via just--killling--time)

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     "Thraben," he said firmly. "Have you been there?"

     "Yes."

     Been there, seen it, sacked it with an army of zombies. She wasn't keen on going back.

     "Will you—"

     "No," she said. "I'm not going with you. Jace, be sensible. Stay here. We'll make inquiries. We'll find out what's really going on."

     "We," echoed Jace.

     He staggered to his feet, looming over her as lightning flashed and thunder boomed. She let him.

     "You and I are not a we," he said. "You're trying to keep me here."

     She rose, smoothly, and looked him in the eye.

     "You got me," she said. "I am trying to keep you here. Because you need help, and I want to help you."

     "You want to help me," he said, "but only if I'll stay with you. Only as long as it's convenient. That about sums things up, doesn't it?"

     There was only so much of this she could take. Her right hand flared with necromantic energy, acrid and purple-white.

     "Right now," she said, "the most convenient thing I could possibly do is strike you dead and stop worrying what kind of violence you're going to stir up by shouting accusations at an insane archangel."

     He stepped closer, grabbed her wrist—had he ever grabbed her wrist like that?—and pointed her glowing palm at his chest.

     "Do it," he said. His voice was hoarse and wild.

     It wouldn't be the worst thing she'd ever done. End the threat. End the uncertainty. If their situations were reversed, she knew he'd at least consider it.

     "You ever have a pet when you were a kid?" she asked instead. "A mouse or something?"

     Her hand still crackled with carefully contained necromancy.

     "I...I don't remember when I was a kid. Much anyway." He glanced down at her hand in almost childlike confusion. "W-why?"

     "Humor me," she said. "You must have taken care of an animal at some point."

     "There was...a dog," he said. "In Ovitzia. I fed her scraps. Scratched her head when I went by."

     "What happened to the dog?"

     "One day I came by and she was—" He stopped, swallowed, blinked. "Why are you asking me this?"

     "How did you feel?"

     "Sad," he said. "Pretty devastated, actually, for a while. But I—I got over it, obviously."

     "Why?"

     "Because...because I always knew it was going to end that way. Didn't think about it, but I knew. I—Lili, why?"

     "Because that's how I'll feel when you're dead, you idiot," she said. "Sad. For a while. And then I'll get over it. Because I always knew it was going to end that way. So don't lean too hard on my good intentions toward you. One of these days you'll find they no longer support your weight."

     He let go of her wrist and stepped back.

     "I'm probably going to die in Thraben," he said. "Sorry in advance for that. But somebody has to know what's going on."

     Jace turned and walked away.

     She watched him go, then peered out the rain-streaked window as his hooded shape slipped into the shadows outside her manor.

[avillainess-blog1]

favorite lyrics ∈ SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK

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“ if you start to keep score , can you still call it love ? ” ( jace )

     HOW MANY TIMES has she betrayed him? She knew but didn’t want to count them. In turn, how many times has he held that against her, well after she apologized? That, she wouldn’t be able to count even if she tried. It seemed almost laughably endless. Both sides, attempting to keep a tally of who did what to whom and why and when and it was all pointless. Needless tension, but even still, she cared for him. She hoped he cared for her. These days it was hard to tell.

     He loved her--on another plane, at another time, in another life. Maybe she loved him too. Did they still? No, perhaps not. Perhaps he was right... Why, then, when he spoke to her like this did it feel like yet another cold spike being driven deep into her dark heart? And the cycle continues because, of course, she would never allow him the last word. Pain for pain, always. He should know by now. Or, was that the point?

     Her brow furrowed. She was tired. What was he trying to prove, anyway? Anything she said he would use against her or he’d just call her a liar. The sound of feathers rustling crept up behind her. If he was getting involved, it was definitely time to put an end to this nonsense.

   “If you’re not going to kill him, why let him rile you up like this?”

          “No... I suppose you can’t.”

     That was enough. She turned away from him, away from the flock of ravens, and allowed a dark shadow to envelop her. The Blind Eternities opened up before her and, just before she allowed it’s gaping maw to swallow her whole, she looked back at him from over her shoulder. His expression... she wished she hadn’t.

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“my poor crazy boyfriend”

Q,<Q,

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support the author  /  feel free to change things  (  such as pronouns  )  as needed !

“ these are the empty pews ” “ it’s much too late to repent ” “ this is your unmarked grave ” “ what else is there to live for besides your one true love ? ” “ you never thought i needed protection ” “ did i ever even have a choice ? ” “ he told me i was an obligation ” “ you make me forget what it feels like to miss someone i was never allowed to call mine ” “ are you my antidote or my poison ? ” “ this story may be cliche  ,  but it’s ours ” “ is there really any way it can end other than in bloodshed ? ” “ i’ll lick your wounds and then you’ll do the same for me ” “ if you start to keep score  ,  can you still call it love ? ” “ brace for impact ” “ this girl right here is a fucking goner ” “ with you there is no faking it ” “ this boy  ,  he’ll be the death of me ” “ i was too young to realize you were the one that should have known better ” “ i never did have an ear for music ” “ when night falls  ,  my monster tells me he loves me ” “ you always did crave the taste of your own lies ” “ this love leaves bloodstains ” “ i’m so fucking sorry ” “ it was exhausting for both of us ” “ you are the bruises and teeth marks i find all over my body without remembering how they got there in the first place ” “ this isn’t a haunting  ;  it’s a hunting ” “ it’s probably a good thing that god forgives sinners like me ” “ i can’t tell the difference between you and the dead of winter ” “ at least winter makes way for spring ” “ i can’t decide who it is i’m more frightened of ” “ i would do just about anything to make her disappear ” “ if you’re looking for your perfect victim  ,  then you might as well set down your lanterns ” “ you won’t be able to find her here ” “ i’m the fairy tale everyone forgot about because the lesson wasn’t pure or hopeful enough ” “ i don’t excuse her and you shouldn’t either ” “ couldn’t you at least try to hide it ? ” “ i never knew you could grieve a breathing man ” “ nothing but a coffin in my ribcage ” “ you remind me of the way flowers bloom so furiously in spring ” “ are you breaking her like you broke me  ,  or am i just that special ? ” “ nothing makes sense with or without you ” “ my body didn’t know what it was like to survive without you ” “ you took things i didn’t know you could take ” “ it seems you never learn  ,  either ” “ either take everything i have or drop it all and walk away ” “ darling  ,  you are worthy ” “ you can do this  ,  you know ” “ let your heart take its time ” “ there’s someone else seeping in through the fractures you left ” “ if you’re never going to leave me  ,  then this is me leaving you ” “ find a new partner in crime ” “ someone i used to know told me that love was forever ” “ don’t try to waste your time again ” “ i’m sorry i didn’t know how to stop the pretending ” “ they didn’t deserve this ” “ some people are never worth your words ” “ come  ,  take back your hatred ” “ you can have my forgiveness but you can’t have me ”

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     She knelt down next to him and tried to hold his attention. She didn't want to touch him. She was, in fact, afraid of him. Nonetheless, she cupped his chin, made him look at her. He blinked and flinched.

     "Jace," she said quietly. "What happened to you out there?"

     "Nothing," he said. "Everything. Nothing happened. Everything was already like this."

     He tried to turn his head, but she held him in place until he was forced to look at her. She stared into eyes that were not quite the eyes she knew.

     "You really didn't do this?" he said.

     "I really didn't."

     "Oh, thank gods," he said.

     He slumped forward, and her zombies let go of him. Liliana gently laid his head in her lap, running her fingers through his hair, thinking fast.

     She had to keep him here. Had to get him to a healer, or maybe a geistmage—to someone, anyone, who could untangle whatever had happened to his mind. He wouldn't be safe until she did, and neither would she.

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Lazaro Spring 2019 Bridal Collection

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     "Jace, I don't want to hurt you anymore!"

     The words echoed against stone, the pounding in her head stopped, and for a moment there was no sound but the boom of thunder and the drumming of the rain. The Raven Man sighed in disgust and disappeared in a rustle of feathers.

     The glow in Jace's eyes faded, and he stared up at her, wan and sweating, looking suddenly very vulnerable and very young.

     "Any more?" said Jace. His voice was hoarse. "As in, any longer? Or as in more than you already—"

     "I don't owe you any answers," said Liliana. "And you damn well owe me some."

     That, at least, told her she was dealing with the real Jace. Who else would pick apart her wording rather than face the reality of the situation?

     "What did you do to me?" he asked, breath still coming in heavy gasps. "I feel like death."

     "That's the idea."

     He almost smiled, then his eyes went wide and he staggered to his feet.

     "You're bleeding!" he said.

     "Yes."

     Genuine concern, moments after trying to pry open her mind like a jam jar.

     "We should—"

     "No," she said. "Tell me what the hell is going on."

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     "Tell me what I need to know," he said, rising. "Tell me about the drownyard."

     "He's asking leading questions, trying to bring certain thoughts to the front of your mind," said the Raven Man. He smirked. "A basic maneuver of the telepath."

     The smug bastard was right. Liliana's vision swam as Jace tried to force his way into her mind.

     "Stop it," she said. "Even if I knew anything about a drownyard, your tricks wouldn't work on me."

     She sent another bolt of agony through him, then another, but he kept up his attacks. He fell, rose, fell again—and this time only made it back up to his knees before she lashed him again.

     "Tell me," he growled.

     Her skin had begun to burn, her demonic scars etched in purple flame. And the Veil...oh, the Veil wanted to help her. It siphoned off a few stray rivulets of necromantic energy and returned them to the stream fivefold. She struggled to hold it back, to keep it from killing him instantly.

     "Stop doing this!" she said. "I can't control—"

     Jace was screaming now, eyes still glowing, his assaults on her mind intensifying along with the pain.

     "Just...tell...me!"

     The backlash started, agony suffusing Liliana as the Chain Veil took its toll. Blood began to drip from her scars. She gritted her teeth. She'd felt worse, though—when the scars were administered, for instance. She'd survive this. Jace might not.

     "He's almost broken through," said the Raven Man. "Kill him."

     "Don't tell me what to do!" she shouted—at both of them, at the Chain Veil, at the moon and the world and at death itself. "Stop it!"

     "You'll have to kill me," wheezed Jace, tears streaming from inhuman glowing eyes. Liliana's vision began to fade.

     "Do it," said the Raven Man.

     "Jace, I don't want to hurt you anymore!"

     The words echoed against stone, the pounding in her head stopped, and for a moment there was no sound but the boom of thunder and the drumming of the rain. The Raven Man sighed in disgust and disappeared in a rustle of feathers.

[avillainess-blog1]

❛ my life is a ruin. ❜

HOS. / @avillainess

         “ Ah yes…and who made it that way? ” eyes hollow, lips parted in a wide unnatural smile, as she looked down on her host. A fine woman indeed, who had survived it all, and held within her the power of death itself. No doubt this ghost made the Raven man seem like pleasant company in comparison. As Vivian tore into old memories and reminded Liliana of each and every choice she had ever made. 

A mother was at times meant to be as harsh as she was caring. Leaning close enough to press herself up against the necromancer’s back. Both hand placed carefully on each shoulder, so she could lean in and whisper against her ear.

“ It was you, dear. You did it, you hurt them, you killed them. ” expression cold, without love nor sympathy. “ – You killed your brother, you led your family to their demise. Jace trusted you, he loved you and wanted you, and you betrayed him. Again and again, you KILL everything and everyone you touch. Because you make it so. ” Her form fades slowly, as do those words that linger at the edges of her mind. 

        “ If it is so terrible, then CHANGE it. ”

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     His voice was coming from all around the room now, his hooded form moving every time she blinked. There were two of him, then three. This little show would be annoying enough even if she'd actually done whatever it was. Based on false accusations, it was downright infuriating.

     "Days ago you came to my door asking for help, Jace," she said. "Yet now here you are with accusations?"

     "You can't keep secrets from me," he said, an edge of menace creeping into his voice. "All I need is time."

     "I don't know what you ever saw in him," said the Raven Man, his face very close to hers. "You're nothing to him but a puzzle to be solved. And he's nothing to you, nothing whatsoever. Or did I misunderstand you?"

     "Whatever you're accusing me of," said Liliana, "step out into the light and say it to my face. This isn't what you think it is."

     "How would you know what I think?" snapped Jace. "And why should I trust anything you say? You've done nothing but lie to me, caused me nothing but pain."

     Her head throbbed.

     "He's getting through your defenses," hissed the Raven Man. "Do something!"

     One of the images of Jace snapped his head toward the Raven Man, eyes wide.

     "Who—"

     So you can see him!

     There was no time to dwell on that revelation, which was followed quickly by another. Liliana smiled.

     And I can see you.

     She let loose a bolt of magic at Jace, the real Jace, that left him doubled over in pain. The other two Jaces vanished.

     "Now then—" she started to say. But the pressure at her temples started up again. Damned fool.

     She raked another blast of necromantic energy over him. He cried out, fell to the floor—and lifted his head, eyes glowing, face contorted.

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    Jace. She'd befriended him on false pretenses, played on his emotions, manipulated him into joining an interplanar crime syndicate, then into overthrowing it. By the time it all went wrong, she'd grown genuinely fond of him, and betraying him had torn out one more strand of her threadbare sense of humanity. Not that that had stopped her, and anyway, if she hadn't done it they'd both be heroically, uselessly dead. Still, she could see why he might bear a grudge.

    But never before, at any point in their dysfunctional association, had he threatened her.