balitronica

[balitronica]

Psychomagic Conundrum by Balitronica Gomez 

(A text created for our La Pocha Nostra live performance at Queens Museum, New York.)

Thinking about cyborg identities and collective psychosis…the relevance of psychomagic acts to heal intergenerational trauma and the unspeakable lines of power that reside deep in the solar plexus between the self and the perceived “other”…what would happen if we intermingled the philosophies of 5 very different “practitioners of magick"? If we used poetic alchemy to combine the words of Alejandro Jodorowsky, Carlos Castaneda, Aleister Crowley, Anton LaVey and Madame Blavatsky, what would it sound like? Perhaps something like:

Death is the only wise advisor that we have

It is only by tracing the shadows of the past and their fantastic silhouettes that we can finally make out the body that initially produced them

because knowledge and language are separate…

It is not necessary to escape anything. There is no silence in the abyss.

We know that inside every human being is a gigantic dark lake of silent

knowledge balanced on the cusp of intuition and blind faith

all paths are the same, leading nowhere, the trick is what one emphasizes:

death is the active force, life is the arena. At any one place in time we are all crossing the invisible bridge. Each time we confront archetypes,

we are confronting the dissolution of identity. The only thing holding people back from doing things they would like to is lack of an excuse.If you don’t know your purpose in life, you cannot be healed.

It is not necessary to escape anything. There is no silence in the abyss.

There is no use in whining eternally. The ego is the ghost of the Non-ego. If I do not believe in reincarnation, the Buddha fails me. You must create a clear consciousness or die like a dog. From the tiger’s skin hung on the wall we will bring back the tigers. Death always taps you on the left shoulder first. We are all hiking the holy mountain. If a ship crosses the sea without a purpose, it will arrive at no port. Tonight in your dreams you must look at your hands. To regard the lion, the water rats, and our fellow humans as equals, is a magnificent act.

Throughout life, prejudices are not fixed, but beliefs are. Controlled folly is the essence of liberation. Never perform magic for others.

The root of the virtual is the real. Because of this, the virtual world will always dissolve into the real.

It is not necessary to escape anything.

It is not necessary to escape anything.

It is not necessary to escape anything.

There is no silence in the abyss.

[balitronica]

40 Mini Psychomagic Acts for Radical Personal Change by Balitronica Gomez

This list of psychomagic acts for radical change was directly influenced by the teachings of mystic, N. Grace, the literature of anthropologist, Carlos Castaneda, the philosophy and humor of Anton Lavey, and the wisdom of artist and filmmaker, Alejandro Jodowrosky. Re-interpreted and re-mixed by Balitronica Gomez of La Pocha Nostra. These exercises can be used in times of personal crisis to shift your mental and esoteric paradigms and stimulate positive changes in your personal life and performance practice.

1. Brush your teeth with your non dominant hand for a week. (Optional, use chili flavored toothpaste if you can find it, or make it.)

2. Take a different route to work or school (even if it’s longer or inconvenient). Try to use public transportation if you don’t normally.

3. Go through your closet and eliminate all of the clothing items that don’t make you feel absolutely amazing when you put them on.

4. Change a $20 bill into 20 $1 bills and hand one out to every homeless person you encounter during the day. Make sure you smile and look them in the eyes when you hand it to them, and if possible engage in a meaningful conversation.

5. When trying to make a hard decision between two or three options, commit to spending one entire day as if you had made one of the choices. Then for one week, live your life fully as if you have made the decision one way or the other. Repeat for the other options. Once you have done this exercise you’ll have a better idea of which is the best choice. This also applies to a performance art project.

6. Sleep outdoors for 3 days. If you have a garden or patio, bring your bed outdoors. Look at the sky during the night. It will give you humility.

7. Sleep upside down in your bed, placing your head where your feet would normally be.

8. At night before going to bed write down one of your fears that you’re going to let go of during your dreams and place the piece of paper under your pillow. Throw that page down the toilet or burn it the next morning. Do this for an entire week.

9. Set an alarm for anytime in the middle of the night without looking. When the alarm goes off , wake up and write down or draw in a notebook what you were dreaming about or your thoughts upon waking. Do this for a month.

10. Choose a day of the week, and for an entire month engage in cyber-dieting during that day, which means, don’t use any technological device in your home (Ipod, Ipad, Iphone, computer, etc).

11. Get a night light that you can leave on 24/7 at your home as a “ghostlight” to honor the dead among us, and your friends and relatives that have recently died.

12. Walk backwards for an entire day.

13. When you are in the middle of a crisis, look for a quiet place in your home, turn off all computer and digital devices and stay still seated naked on a comfortable chair or sofa for 50 minutes with your eyes closed and doing deep breathing. The answers you are looking for will come to you.

14. Write to your parents and let them know that regardless of how your childhood was, that you know that they did the best that they could do given the circumstances. This will be helpful for them when they are transitioning from this existence to the other side. It will make it less painful to know that they did the best they could (even if you are fully aware they could have done better). You can also do this exercise with past lovers with unresolved business.

15. Destroy or burn all of your pillows once a year and buy new ones. You’ll be destroying old states of mind and starting a new. Especially if you have shared your bed with others, whether lovers, relatives or friends.

16. Clean your entire house using either distilled water or your own favorite alcoholic beverage (rum, tequila, mescal or whisky work very well) and a new towel. Imagine that with every movement of your hand the towel is removing all of the negativity/bad energy of the space. Do this once a year (or more if necessary).

17. If you feel lonely in your house, get a pet. Even if it’s a small pet like a fish or a poisonous toad. Care give with utter tenderness. It will make you a less selfish person.

18. Write your will & last wishes. Make sure to update it every year.

19. Anthropomorphize your own death as a beautiful female partner. Imagine she is always following you like a shadow over your left shoulder.  Use her as an advisor to remain humble and grateful.

20. Return to the vacation spot that you used to go with your family when you were a kid, but go there alone. Spend some time there writing your favorite memories in a journal. When you’re having a bad day open the journal and read your memories. You’ll feel better.                                                                             

21. Talk to your neighbours for a few minutes every time you encounter them. You belong to the same neighborhood and therefore you share similar social concerns whether they like to admit it or not.

22. Talk to your house plants and give them the physical compliments you’d like to hear given to yourself.

23. If you have never left your home country leave your country for the summer and become a continental citizen.

24. If you suffer from social anxiety, practice “radical” shoplifting once a week and try to speak to someone that you don’t know everyday.

25. Detect the loneliest person at your workplace. Send them flowers anonymously for their birthday.

26. Give yourself one day a month (or one day a week if you can) where you indulge in radical self-care. Get a pedicure, drink delicious tea and honey, read the book you’ve been meaning to read, get a massage, go swimming in the ocean, go for a hike, attend a sweat lodge, or do whatever clears your head.

27. Contact the first person you fell in love with, thank them for that experience.

28. Make a list of all of the people who influenced you when you were growing up. Send them thank you cards or emails and let them know.

29. Next time you take a hot shower eat an orange or tangerine before getting out. You can throw the peels on the shower floor to create your own orange steam room.

30. Leave your favorite composer or musician on the stereo whenever you leave the house so he/she can infuse the house with sound.

31. When you break up with a partner, burn all of the lingerie or underwear that they’ve seen you in and buy new ones. Also, collect all the items they gave you, and sage them or throw them away.

32. Leave a pad of post-it notes and a sharpie in your purse or bag. Whenever you use a public restroom leave a poetic note of encouragement on the back of the door for the next person who uses the stall, something like “Leave behind all your troubles.”

33. Remember what your favorite childhood books were and read a line or so of them every night before bed or while taking a shit.

34. Buy your mother or grandmother/father/grandfather concert tickets to their favorite artist. Take them to see the concert if you can. If you have no relatives in your hometown, you can invite a lonely neighbor.

35. Make an extra pie, cake or casserole during the holidays. Give it to the first homeless person you come across on your way to work or school.

36. Let your partner pick out a new perfume or cologne for you. One that they like, regardless if you like it or not, for you are, in fact, wearing it for them, not yourself. If you don’t have a partner, ask your closest friend.

37. Eat whatever meal for breakfast your parents would never let you eat for breakfast when you were a child. Do this for a week.

38. Go into a high end department store and convince them to let you try on the most expensive suit or dress in the store. Walk out of the store without buying anything or with your new suit or dress on without paying. If you choose to shoplift, it’s at your own risk, but it can be an important anti-capitalist exercise every now and again!

39. If you’re not sure, wait. Wait indefinitely if need be.

40. Write your own psychomagic acts for personal change

[balitronica]

Excerpt From “A Brief Conversation with my Pyschotherapist”

San Francisco/Oakland 2012

sink

into my

radiofatigued breast

that diabolical blade

[an exorcism for

sophisticated whores]

[balitronica]

Remembering the Violence that’s Lodged in the Back of My Throat

In August I Buried Myself in the Desert...

I buried my myself in 

Tucson

Santa Fe

Sonora

I buried myself to forget

the corner of Battery & Bush

the blue bathroom at the Lexington

the cafe

the cafe 

the cafe

caffe de la presse

I buried myself to forget

49 Rue de Vaugirard

La Cocotte Jolie

Harry Belafonte

MC Solaar

Ratatouille

I buried myself to forget 

Chino Hills

East Oakland

West Hollywood

I buried myself to forget

all the assumptions

to forget i’m not

Slovenian

Estonian

Croatian

I buried myself to forget

the empty gas tanks

the 76 dodge dart

the 97 camaro

the 85  corvette

the 87 transam

the 64 fiat

the 55 oldsmobile

i buried myself to forget the smell of

purell

cigarette residue in the backseat

the circus circus in Reno

i buried myself to forget 

“Stay” 

“Over the Hills & Valleys”

“I Will Always Love You”

i buried myself to forget

the fake baptisms

the real funerals

i buried myself to forget

vodka & orange juice

cherry smirnoff & 7up

red wine

red wine

red wine

i buried myself to forget

the shame in not bleeding

the shame in wanting to bleed

i buried myself to forget 

the orange line

the 47

the 101

Oakland Coliseum

Venice Beach

Trevose, PA

i buried myself to forget 

Mt Laguna

Humboldt County

Tuolumne Meadows

i buried myself to forget

the searchlights in Death Valley

the graveyard in Pittsburgh

the wet banks of Maine

i buried myself to forget

being uninvited

being afraid of solitary confinement

being asked for the last of the bag

the power of having long hair

i buried myself to forget 

the mcdonald’s posing as a train station on the drive to Vegas

the concussion that nearly killed me

your laughter in Yosemite

i buried myself to forget

officer alvarez

officer flores

officer stangland

officer jonsson

c. tyler

j. taylor

l. oliver

p. ring

j. omahan

dr. love

i buried myself to remember i’ve buried myself in some[         ] new.

[balitronica]

cure me

of

the rotting

a medication

for angels

steady roses

heroin(e)

urge.

you can’t guard the dead in their sleep

speak

of lies:

a death-child clasping your breath.

[balitronica]

my name

                is counterfeit.

lay over

my skin

erase my

blood

ink into my lover

i have inherited     a burlesque trans

                          witch:

                          a blackened chronicle.

my mental

    womb, a honeyed liqueur:

a synthetic animal ripped from the bosom.

[balitronica]

measure your

   cyclical

   bruising

       by the time spent in the process of falling

   awake with a sore [         ]

           forget that you aren’t really losing your teeth

           forget that it was just a brief encounter with an electric mirror

           forget that you are a woman

[balitronica]

Immodest

       nation?

   notion

of anti-Catholic

[    ] activity reported

Immodest Acts

               yes, [            ] Nuns

   Silence.

       oxymoron “[           ]  [     ]”        crucial public interest

   portions of

a salacious history

                   Damned

                   Acts        

anti-Catholic

                           Immodest

                           [              ]

   decades: Immodest

       “able convent administrator”

Mother

Mother

Mother

[balitronica]

A Brief Conversation with my Psychotherapist

give me a diagnosis for obsessively swallowing bees from a glass jar

give me a diagnosis for thinking that it’s actually going to solve anything

give me a diagnosis for always remembering in the morning

give me a diagnosis for recounting how many times i’ve touched death

give me a diagnosis for imagining what it would’ve been like to undergo the amputation

give me a diagnosis for trying to remember, to remember, to forget

give me a diagnosis for replacing my shoulder blades with shards of glass

give me a diagnosis for always cataloging the symptoms of decay

give me a diagnosis for contemplating how many times i’ve questioned termination

give me a diagnosis for saying too much out loud and not enough on paper

give me a diagnosis for questioning what it means to ask too many questions

give me a diagnosis for justifying my fears with WebMd

give me a diagnosis for comparing the sky in Mexico to the sky in Paris

give me a diagnosis for how many times i’ve counted the bruises

give me a diagnosis for always measuring my self worth from behind a lens

give me a diagnosis for feeling the need to redefine my deterritorialization

give me a diagnosis for how many times i’d wished i hadn’t said anything

give me a diagnosis for always thinking i’m unable to pronounce things properly

give me a diagnosis for thinking things could stay tongue-in-cheek this long

give me a diagnosis for cataloging everything i’ve eaten in the past 24 hours

give me a diagnosis for exaggerating when the truth is already grotesque enough

give me a diagnosis for counting how many times my teeth have fallen out in my dreams

give me a diagnosis for choking on my own silence

give me a diagnosis for enjoying the taste of my own blood in my mouth

give me a diagnosis for what it means to use parentheses to conceal my fears

give me a diagnosis for forgetting to remember i’m no longer alone

[balitronica]

paris, france 2011

sometimes:

it appears 

that we

are growing

more

casual

[a luminous pink pallor///halting synapses replaced with salt]

six dozen long 

stemmed 

roses

forced into 

a 

pale vase.

[balitronica]

mirror your  thinning 

hair to the slow dislodging of my silence

a quick slippage/thorax unhinged/a cocktail of cracked incisors

does it really feel better coming up than going down?

                             you never really lost your [        ]

                                                  the doctors say it’s just a 

                                                  lapse  in language.

[balitronica]

my blind body stitched up again in antiseptic madness hip and sternum push the limits of shadows, a bruised tongue that never heals

                        i am the queen of this sterile madhouse.

[balitronica]

what has it come to,

my needing you?

               i work a box

                         stuffed into 

a woman

a thin cadaver

we stuff

my past 

into

[balitronica]

for g

san francisco/mexico city 2014

why does it always feel like i’m confronting myself in the mirror? why have i never seen you do that to yourself? which one of them is responsible for your lack of faith? why is it okay with you and never with others? what do you feel like you’re removing from your soul when you wash your hair? why does time run backwards when we’re together? what is the real significance of your silence? what does it feel like to lose a [           ]? does it really feel better coming up than coming down? is anyone ever truly innocent in their dreams? how long has that jar really been there? how many pillows will it take to erase the traces? is it really just a placebo like the doctors say? what does parallel dreaming feel like from the receiving end? who’s on the receiving end? how old were you when you lost your [           ]? what’s it like to dream in a language of romance? how many times have your “pockets been filled up with gold?” what constitutes gold? how much do you remember in the morning? is it ever more than the lapses between contact? are you really capable of dislodging what’s formed between my shoulders after all this time? 

[balitronica]

you are necessary

fall down into

my dangerous altar

my white hot 

                      whore belly.

[balitronica]

blue eyes

torn off

swallowed

                                                            a slip of the tongue.

[balitronica]

only your human veins

i need to be under them

                                                           lie down whole

                                                           under me

a safeness is broken:

a severed mask cracked.