balkanradfem

[balkanradfem]

Lesbian and bi-women Sex Ed

Alright, I'll share with you the recent knowledge I gained about lesbian sex, or sex between women specifically. If you already knew all of this, I am so happy for you. I never experienced even the regular sex ed, much less the lesbian one, and I think this education should be more accessible in public spaces. Most of what I'm writing is quoted from somewhere, I wouldn't have the nerve to write this on my own. I split the material into Consent and safety, Sexual trauma, Female anatomy, and Sex.

Also this is not comprehensive knowledge, I'm only sharing what I learned and connecting it with information I already knew. I'll link sources at the end.

Consent and Safety

All of the resources I saw started at consent, comfort and safety. This is necessary due to how pervasive and normalized the rape culture is. Number one thing to learn about sex is that you're supposed to feel safe and comfortable. If you feel pressured, pushed, cornered, or in any way uncomfortable, uncertain, scared or unwilling, you have every right to say no, and you should say no, you should not ignore your own feelings of dissent. You are supposed to be in complete control over whether this will happen or not, and you have to be able to reject it if you are unsure about any part of it.

A lot of resources talked specifically about having experiences with partners who expects a certain act out of you, who feel entitled to receiving something from you, or touching you in a certain way, without checking if this is what you want; being put in that position and doing whatever is required of you at the moment, to appease your partner, is likely to traumatize you in the long term, and to make sex a chore rather than an intimate experience of pleasure. You also, are not to expect or pressure your partner into something you are not absolutely certain they want to be doing with you, any hint that they're uncomfortable or unwilling, or even unsure, should be enough to call it off.

The second issue is shame and fear of being selfish in bed; that's the other side of making sure you have the consent of your partner, you also have to know you have the right to pursue your own pleausre, to openly desire it and not only focus on your partner. Being socialized as a woman can make this difficult, because we do feel selfish for wanting even the bare minimum, we're told not to expect much, and we over-focus on other people's needs. We might feel too ashamed to want something openly, or to show that we want it, or to ask for pleasure and the partner's attention, but if we are dealing with an understanding, safe partner, it will help them greatly to hear what we want and need. They will want to know if they want to give you pleasure, that you also want to receive it.

Sexual trauma

Another part that can invoke shame and the feeling of not being worthy or wanted in that way, is sexual trauma, and boundaries that this trauma can bring. A lot of women in today's world have sexual trauma, and sometimes this means sensory issues, not wanting to be touched in a certain way, not wanting to touch in a certain way, or at all, and this can make a person feel like there's no hope, no way for them to actually get there with their partner, since they feel 'damaged'. The lesson I learned is that sexual trauma is so common that it's almost expected from women to have some sexual boundaries, and knowing what your boundaries are and how to communicate them is important before you indulge a sexual act. Not wanting to be touched in a certain way, or not wanting to touch in a certain way, are already accepted parts of lesbian sex and can easily be communicated, defined and accepted. And your partner should be understanding and respectful of this; if they're not, it's best to find out immediately, and refuse any intimate relations with them.

If you yourself are having a first time with a partner who has sexual trauma and is nervously trying to explain their boundaries, the right thing to do is to reassure them that it's not their fault, to ask additional questions about what you're unsure if you are allowed or not allowed to do, and ask if there's anything you can do to make this easier on them, to make them more comfortable, less afraid. Let them keep garments of clothing on if that's easier on them, let them pick positions that put them more at ease, wear gloves if they need you to, let them know they can ask you to stop at any second, that you'd prefer to be asked to stop rather than accidentally make them unsafe or scared. Ask if they're worried about a particular thing happening, and affirm with them that you will not do the things they don't want done to them. Check with them if they can easily talk and communicate during sex, and if they can't, agree on movements or gestures that will signal if things are going well or badly. Don't ask them to recount their trauma to you, or to explain why they have a certain boundary, or to try and get over it – sometimes these boundaries are permanent and that is okay. If they want to work on getting over it, they will let you know, it should never be suggested from your side. Only they know whether they're ready or able to heal something.

Women can find a way around almost anything if they're eager to have sex with each other. Talking to your partner about what bothers you, what you're worried about happening, what you're uncertain of, can result in you two figuring out a new way of doing it, finding creative ways to get around the problem, ways to communicate if one of you can't speak during, ways to avoid unwanted touch, ways of find a common ground where you both feel safe and satisfied.

Being traumatized from previous partners expressing the lack of desire, or even open disgust and casting shame on someone's appearance or performance, is also sadly common, and it can cause symptoms of anxiety, embarrassment, shame, fear of being unwanted or lacking in some way; your current partner should know what sets these feelings off and how to avoid triggering your trauma response, and making you feel awful about it. Sometimes these issues can be resolved with enough patience and positive experiences, sometimes they're permanent, and all of this is okay. It doesn't mean someone is damaged; it's a wound and we don't find wounded people lacking or not good enough for having scars.

It's also valuable to know that regardless of eagerness, some people will just not be compatible and good for each other intimately, and that's fine too! It's better to know and not expect things to work out perfectly every single time; sometimes it's not meant to be, it's nobody's fault, you don't have to persist if it brings you no pleasure.

Women have confirmed that even with all of the boundaries, with not including certain sexual acts in their sex life and getting around triggering past trauma, sex with women is still fulfilling and satisfying for them! Trauma, even if requiring additional conversations, does not ruin sex life.

The next thing that feels almost more important than knowing just how to have lesbian sex, is to know how to communicate everything with your partner, both beforehand, during, and afterwards. Ideally you should be able to check each other's expectations of what will happen, and clarify what you want to happen, and what you don't. For example, you can ask them what they like, what would they prefer to happen, if it's okay for you to do xyz, is x okay, can you touch them in a certain way, if they have a way they like it the most, what would be the ideal situation for them. It's much easier to find out beforehand, than having a certain expectation crash during. And then to make sure your partner is enjoying themselves with you, it's great to check in, especially if they're not giving you enough hints and body communication to let you know whether they're happy with how things are going. Asking if they like this, if they're good, if they want you to continue or pause, anything you're not sure about, is a way to make sure you're doing the right thing. You can also tell them in detail what you want to do to them, both to see if their reaction is one of an arousal, and to confirm they want every part of it. Talking about what you want can be foreplay.

The resources also speak of sexually transmitted diseases, and this is also something that's great to know going into it! If your partner and you are not both tested, there is a chance of transmitting an std; however STD's are mostly transmitted by exchanging bodily fluids, meaning saliva, sweat, vaginal lubrication, tears, that is a way to contract an std if the other person has it. If you're doing activities that only use your fingers, for example fingering, that lowers your chance of getting an std, but does not bring it down to zero; some women wear gloves in order to be safer. You can also use protection for oral sex, dental dams can be used to do it safely. If you're both tested and sure there's no risk, then you should be okay exchanging body fluids without getting sick.

The Female Anatomy

Now we've talked about consent and safety, next thing we're getting into is the female anatomy. I'm going to go and assume the person reading this might not even know the basics and briefly explain that too, just in case. If you want to have sex with a woman, it's better to know all of it.

The outside part of female genitals is called vulva, and what you can see when looking at one are outer labia, which are the thicker, outer lips, that grow pubic hair. Inner labia is inbetween; they can be big or small, and look lots of different ways. On the top where the labias connect into one point, there will be clitoris; sometimes it can be elusive to find because it can be hiding under a clitoral hood, or not be that obvious to the eye, but you can find it by touching, feeling it under your fingers, and watching your partner's reactions; one spot will be more sensitive than any other. Clitoris is extremely sensitive so stimulating it should be done gently, or it could cause pain. If you're using your mouth to stimulate it, resources claim it's better to try with your lips than your tongue, because lips are softer and less rough than a tongue. Also based on the size and sensitivity of the labia, sometimes you can stimulate the clitoris trough stimulating the inner labia.

Somewhere inbetween the clitoris and the vaginal opening, there will be the urethral opening, that's where the pee comes out; for some women it can be in the middle of vulva, for some it can be so low that it seems to be inside the vaginal opening. The vaginal opening is the entrance to the vagina, and even though vagina is socially believed to be the most important place to stimulate, only 18% of women orgasm from vaginal penetration; clitoris is more sensitive and much more effective organ to stimulate in order to give women pleasure. There is varying sensitivity inside the vagina, and around the vaginal opening; for every woman it can feel different, and we're going to talk about various ways stimulating it can bring pleasure.

Sex

One thing that all resources impressed on me very strongly is that every woman likes different things, and it's impossible to find one single method to have sex with women that will work on every woman just the same. It's not only different preferences, but difference in anatomy and nerve sensitivity. For example, some women like having their urethral entrance stimulated, some find it painful, so you have to check in and ask. Women also have varying sensitivity around their vaginal opening; while for some it's sensitive just to the point where they enjoy it being stimulated, for some this stimulation is too much and they prefer more gentle and careful touch around it.

Resources say that the best way to start having lesbian sex is to go slow, gentle, to watch your partner's reactions, and check in with them. So what are you supposed to do? If you already have an idea of what you want to do, and you know your partner wants that too, then proceed! There is no one way to have sex with women, and if you can bring your partner to orgasm just following your intuition and desires, you're good to go. If you're unsure, inexperienced, or need just a bit more ideas on how to proceed, keep reading.

How to start? Affirm with your partner that they want to do this with you right now. It can be as subtle as whispering 'do you want to?' in the middle of kissing, and hinting at touching her lower, or it can be a conversation, but what you don't want to do is start without checking, and force her to ask you to stop, or to physically push you away if she wants to refuse. You want to make refusing as easy as possible to her, so you don't end up violating her. Women sometimes have a hard time saying no, and you need to take that into account, and make it easy for her, and make sure that she knows she can refuse, and things will be okay.

When you get a clear yes, if you don't know where or how to touch her next, be sure to not start aggressively or quickly. Go slow. The recommended methods are 'hinting', 'layering' and 'orbiting', all while watching your partner's reactions. Hinting is where you gently tease and only touch close to an erogenous zone, then move further away, to see how your partner reacts, while not indulging her yet. For instance, you can bring your fingers close to her thigh, stroke it for a second, then go back to stroking her waist and back, you can trace your fingers under her shirt, slide them up her torso and only brush close to her chest, watching if she's arching into your touch and wanting for you to touch her higher. Once you feel more certain in what she wants, you can move to to hinting touch at more erogenous zones, and move to layering.

Layering is applying stimulation indirectly, trough clothes, basically pressing the fabric into her erogenous zones, and seeing her reaction to it. You can use both your fingers and your mouth to do this, this should arouse your partner without you doing a lot of explicit things to her. Watching her reactions and getting feedback will also let you know where she likes and wants to be touched, which should amplify your confidence that you're doing well.

Now you're learning what makes her feel good, and how to get her to an orgasm. If there's a method she specifically doesn't want you to use, this is where you should already know this. If you're unsure whether you're reading her cues correctly, you can ask. For example, 'do you want me to go faster or slower when you move this way?', or 'does it mean x or y when you do that?'.

Orbiting can be done both with fingers and mouth, and it means circling around a sensitive area without explicitly touching it, getting closer and further away, basically another form of teasing. Teasing and gentle, testing touches are great to get her into the mood and to announce your next move; you're giving her the time to back away and communicate with you if she doesn't want you to proceed.

You should also check in with your partner to see what kind of verbal feedback she likes receiving. Some women like compliments and praise, others might not want to feel self-conscious about their appearance or the feel of their body, and they might not want you to mention it; if a woman is self conscious, she'll have a harder time relaxing and having an orgasm, you don't want to risk that. This also means that whatever position you choose, it has to be comfortable enough to her to relax in, having limbs cramp up or going tense or sore might interfere with the pleasure.

According to a survey asking lesbians which sex acts they like the most, top results are fingering (digital penetration) oral sex (going down on, eating out), clitoral stimulation and dry humping.

If you've gotten a clear message from your partner that she wants more direct stimulation, and you've managed to get inside of her underwear or stripped it, or got her to take it off, you can try hinting and orbiting directly on her vulva, you can find her clitoris and try orbiting around it, and hint at touching her vaginal opening, which she might like. Now you want to try fingering; how would you do that?

Before you put your fingers, or anything else inside of her, your hands needs to be clean, your nails trimmed, and you need to be sure the vagina is lubricated enough; it should be slick and wet and easy to slide in. Otherwise your partner is not aroused enough to be painlessly penetrated, and you need to do more touching, teasing, talking, foreplay, whatever makes her aroused. You can use lubricant as well, if your partner doesn't produce enough lubrication naturally.

You check in with her about how quickly you should slide your fingers inside, how many, and which fingers to use. Inside the vagina, there's a g-spot, it feels spongy to touch, and you can reach it with your fingers, if you insert them and then bend them in a 'come to me' position, as if you're asking someone to come closer to you with your fingers. This is called the 'come hither' method of fingering. You can also hold your fingers in that position, and massage, pulling your hand towards you, in order to stimulate the g-spot specifically. G-spots have varying levels of sensitivity, so check with your partner if they're enjoying it. Another method of fingering is called the 'corkscrew', in which you insert your fingers while twisting them, and twist them in circles while keeping them inside; this will add stimulation to the vaginal opening, which again, you need to check if your partner enjoys. Resources say you can sometimes stimulate the clitoris using this method because it pulls down on the entire vulva. Another method is pressing your finger into the vaginal wall and keeping it pressed while while pulling it out, this enables you to stimulate the walls and find sensitive spots inside.

Once you've found what really works for your partner, you keep doing it at the rythm, pressure and consistency that she responds best to, and do it until she reaches orgasm, unless she directs you otherwise. You can also add additional stimulation to her clitoris, labia, thighs, chest, or wherever she enjoys being touched.

This description might seem like lesbian sex is a long list of cues you need to respectfully follow, but it can happen very quickly. When your partner is already aroused and ready, you can skip many steps and go exactly to the sex act that will bring them to the finish, I'm listing all of these just for cases when it's needed, or you might really want to take your time, or it's the first time and you need some exploration and learning to figure things out.

The second, slightly more risky lesbian sex act is cunnilingus, or 'going down' on a woman, or 'eating her out', which means you're using your mouth to create pleasurable stimulation; what are you supposed to do with your mouth?

This is also where you can do hinting, layering, and orbiting, meaning you don't go for the most sensitive spots immediately, but you hint at touching them, touch them trough clothing, or orbit around them, meaning you circle around and touch the area close to the clitoris, or vaginal opening, without immediately using your tongue on them directly. Another suggested method is 'edging', it's when you bring a woman close to an orgasm, but then leave the most pleasurable areas and go back to gentle hinting and orbiting; resources say for some women this is the only way to get them to orgasm.

Once your partner wants the direct stimulation, you can flatten your tongue to lick the entire vulva top to bottom, you can rub your lips or tongue against her clitoris, put pressure on her vaginal opening with your tongue, and check with her if she'd like your tongue inside of her. You can use your fingers in combination too, to spread her labia, press the area around her clitoris to get it more exposed, finger her, or rub one area with fingers while you stimulate another with your tongue. Sometimes women like digital penetration while having their vulva stimulated, so it's good to ask. The suggestions I found were to use not only use your lips and tongue to stimulate a vulva, but to involve your nose and chin, all of them can feel good against sensitive spots and it will allow you to rest your tongue while you're at it. You can also encourage your partner to rub their vulva against your face while you stimulate them, to chase their own pleasure.

Rythm of your stimulation matters because in order to reach orgasm, women usually need consistent and rythmic stimulation; after you find what really works and gets the most positive reactions from your partner, you do it rythmically and consistently, at the same speed, until it brings her to orgasm. There's also a suggestion to momentarily change the rythm to create a surprise, which can be arousing as well.

In case of digital penetration you can also check in with your partner about which fingers they like inside them the most, because different fingers can created different angles, and she might prefer some to others. Resources also claim it's easier to bring women to orgasm when you're stimulating multiple pleasure spots at the same time, or touching more of their body at once, rather than just the pleasure spots in their genitals; for instance: thighs, waist, chest, nipples, lower back, whatever she seems to like the best.

If you can't, even after trying all of the methods above figure out how to best bring your partner to orgasm, you can ask her what she does, and ask her to allow you to watch her while she masturbates and brings herself to orgasm; she knows her body the best and can show you directly how she does it. If she's too shy to do it, you can try mutual masturbation, which means you both get to see each other to it and learn what the other likes. You can also do this before trying to have sex, to give yourself a better chance at figuring it out.

I've listed a lot of information and methods here, and it can be distracting if you're focusing a lot on what method you're using and if you're doing it right; you don't have to memorize or try all of this out, only what feels enjoyable for you to do. You should get to enjoy yourself, and show your partner that you're enjoying what you're doing to her. You can do what feels good to your fingers and mouth, and let your partner know that you're getting pleasure out of it; moaning and giving positive feedback can make your partner further aroused. If you are at the receiving end of this, it's also great to give as much feedback as possible, and if you can direct your partner to what you like or need, what speed or pressure or rythm you want, that is helpful and welcome! It is always better to know your partner's desires than to have to guess, and knowing you're giving someone exactly what they want is a great feeling. You also can decide to take more control and guide your partner's hands and mouth to where you want them, provided your partner is happy to be guided, or pick a position where you decide how you're being touched. For instance, asking your partner to lie down and positioning yourself on top of their face will put you in charge of the movement, while they can still use their hands and tongue to make it pleasurable for you.

After one of you has reached orgasm, it is common for the roles to switch and for the other person to be on the receiving end, unless one has beforehand stated for any reason that they don't wish for this to happen, or you follow a specific dynamics that states otherwise. Sometimes, the other person can achieve orgasm from being the one stimulating the first, because doing it feels very good. As long as both partners have found the experience fully satisfying and got exactly what they wanted out of it, any arrangement you're both comfortable with is fine.

I'm going to pause here, because this was a lot for me to write! But know that there is a lot more information out there, there was a lot more research and surveys done on female pleasure, and you can find and enjoy it. For me this felt helpful to know, because just the knowledge that the female pleasure is being researched and taught makes me feel different than before. I understood from this how much more powerful you can feel if you are studied in the way of what pleasures you the most, rather than learning how your body can be used for other purposes.

Sources (all but two link to youtube videos):

Stevie Boebi - How to Finger a Girl

Stevie Boebi - How to Eat Pussy The Right Way - Lesbian Sex 101

Stevie Boebi - How to have Lesbian Sex

Can I have Sex after Assault and Trauma? Stevie Boebi and Jimanekia Eborn

Alayna Joy - How to have Lesbian Sex, no really, with Stevie Boebi

Autostraddlers Survey - How do Lesbians Have Sex?

Omgyes sex techniques list (site referenced in stevie's video)

Nikki Christine - Pillow Princess and Touch-Me-Nots

Nikki Christine - Here's why someone would be a Pillow Princess, or a Touch me Not

[balkanradfem]

still thinking about the time i held upon the door for this elderly woman and she thanked me saying,

“chivalry isn’t dead - it’s a woman’s job”

fundamentally changed my life

[balkanradfem]

Giant hermit crab (Petrochirus diogenes)

This specimen is relatively small. P. diogenes is the world’s second-largest hermit crab species, growing large enough to inhabit a full sized queen conch shell and beaten only by the terrestrial coconut crab, which is a hermit crab that stops using shells when it matures.

I can only assume that the the “diogenes” in its name comes from some parallel drawn between the hermit crab’s shell and the philosopher’s habit of sleeping in a large jar.

(Florida, 2/27/21)

[balkanradfem]

*touching her freshly shaven legs* who did this to you.....

[balkanradfem]

a top tier man is just an average woman

[balkanradfem]

Pussy havers, do you enjoy the smell of your own pussy?

1.yes

2.no

3.maybe

4.nuance

5.dick haver

[balkanradfem]

It’s actually crazy that we live in a society that is both sex crazed and sex repulsed at the same time

[balkanradfem]

Ok so majority said yes, and I wrote this. I stayed up until 1am researching and typing, I still need to edit, format, and add all sources to it. So you'll get the post later this afternoon.

Hey as a non sex haver I learned some stuff about lesbian sex (or sex between women!) from youtube recently, should I write about it on my blog? Or did we have enough takes about sex from people who don't actually have it?

[balkanradfem]

a phrase that kinda bothers me when talking about women's historical roles in europe is "cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children." you hear it so often, those exact words in the same order even. and once you learn a little more you realize that the massive gaping hole in that list is fiberwork. im not an expert and have no hard numbers, but i wouldnt be surprised if fiberwork took up nearly as much time as the other three tasks combined, so it's not a trivial omission.

it's not a hot take to say that the mass amnesia about fiberwork is linked to the belittlement of women's work in geneal, but i do think there's a special kind of illusion that is cast by "cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children." you hear that and think "well i cook and clean and take care of children (or i know someone who does) and i have a sense of how much work that is" and you know of course that cooking and cleaning were more laborious before modern technology, but still, you have a ballpark estimate you think, when in fact you are drastically underestimating the work load.

i also think that this just micharacterizes the role of women's work in livelihoods? cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the children are all sisyphean tasks that have to be repeated the next day. these are important, but not the whole picture. when we include all kinds of fiberwork—and other things, such as making candles or soap—women's work looks much more like manufacturing, a sphere we now associate more with men's work. i feel like women's connection to making and craftsmanship is often elided.

[balkanradfem]

#dorothy zbornak my relatable queen

[balkanradfem]

a chapterbook: *came with a stitched in ribbon bookmark, had a cloth spine, had those rough edged finished pages, or came with a map*

8 year old me: i am a 500 year old librarian and this is the most valuable book in my collection. i rescued it myself from a castle as it burned to the ground. *gingerly runs my little grubby hands down its spine and gazes wistfully out of the school bus window* i am the keeper of all civilization’s knowledge

[balkanradfem]

I want to clarify. I used 'anonnie' because in my native language everything is gendered, so i am sporadically pissed off that i can't create female version of every single word for myself, and i sporadically make them. And 'precious person' is a genuine reference, why would I be angry at genuinely nice woman, even if she ever did say some maybe wrong maybe not wrong words. It's more that because I was upset you assumed I can be angry at you, that instead of proper more academic english I reversed to butchering english closer to how I talk in my native language. Between my female friends we use a lot of endearement terms, and emotional expressions etc etc to show the feelings. I never particularly see it as 'talking as if to a child' , in my segment of world women just use plenty of those to each other. But I guess it might be seen different when in english because no one really talks like that. Basically if irl friendess would say 'i thought you are angry at me' I would make a lot of faces and noises like 'wah wah how can i ever' and be very expressive to highlight that it is ab-so-lu-te-ly not true and it usually works well between us. So I wanted to translate it into a text, but I guess it does not work out cross culturally.

oh I'm so sorry for misinterpreting everything you said, I'm used to people making fun of me so when I see anything that indicates it, I just jump to conclusions! But it is hurtful of me to assume bad intentions where there were none, and for that I'm so sorry.

Anonnie is a female version of anon! I didn't get that, to me any anon that comes to my blog is a woman, I didn't think to change the word to indicate the femaleness, I thought you were saying it in child language ;; sorry

I assume you converted the term 'friend' to 'friendess' in the same way! I've never heard of that word, but it sounds cool, like an empress, and a friend, a noble female friend.

I thought 'precious person' was an exaggeration because I would never describe myself that way, I would use,,, a more derogatory term, but that's female socialization I think! I'm not truly precious, just a bit spineless, and that's fine.

I think if I was more familiar with your native language I would have understood you better! I never expected that someone would talk in that way due to their native language translating more directly in this manner, I will remember this for the next time and make inquiries before jumping to conclusions. I'm also glad you're not mad at me.

I thought 'wah wah' was also talking down to me, sorry again! I'm relieved that it was not the case, thank you for explaining everything to me.

And thank you for being nice in this discussion and talking kindly to me, I appreciate that. I'm glad you're not mad :)

[balkanradfem]

stop! this is a pride month checkpoint. post one (1) picture of sexy gray haired woman to pass.

I.. don't think I would post a 'sexy' picture of a woman without her consent

[balkanradfem]

Why is this heat so hot 😩

[balkanradfem]

honestly your response to the criticism you got was very refreshing. I think the reblog was kinda unnecessarily antagonistic and misinterpreting what you said, which honestly happens pretty much all the time online nowadays. You could've easily reacted the same way back and started a long winded argument between the two of you, but instead of seeing the mean words you saw what the reblogger was actually trying to say and responded nicely to it. obviously no one is obligated to respond kindly to unnecessary criticism but for me it felt like a breath of fresh air in this hellscape of our own creation

That is a really nice message, thank you. I feel so encouraged by the 'you could have done this worse thing' because when does anyone ever say that to women? That is refreshing. Lets praise women for not being worse!

[balkanradfem]

I AM NOT MAKING FUN OF YOU !!! >.< It has a honest message, just very emotional

oh, okay, sorry for misinterpreting it then!

[balkanradfem]

I love tags it’s like muttering under your breath on the internet