bananasmodiah

[bananasmodiah]

HAPPY PRIDE!

IT’S PRIDE MONTH!!! 

Working in preparation for pride month I’ve been reading LGBTQ+ literature since last month. My wrap ups have never been that colorful XD. Due to this I’ve noticed a few things that I really needed to put out there. Most of the MM books I’ve been reading have one same problem, and to be honest at this point I am a little annoyed. IT’S LIKE BISEXUALITY DOESN’T EXIST!

To be fair, It happened mostly in books published a few years back but..... They have this pattern where if one of the characters is “straight” but starts to catch feeling for his male friend he is in denial because he is not gay. They proceed to argue that they loved sex with women before this “strange thing happening to them” and now they just don’t. When they finally accept the feelings they come out as.... yes! you guess it! GAY! 

Mind me, I’m not saying is bad to be gay, is just kind of annoying how they never question their bisexuality or pansexuality. It’s like if their liking women is all of the sudden gone and forgotten. The existential crisis is bigger because they can’t mix both parts of themselves.... and I think that is BULLCRAP.

HAVE ANY OF YOUEXPERIENCED THIS AS WELL, OR IS IT JUST ME?

Anyhow, I am just ranting here. 

Hope you all a happy pride month and that you feel loved. 

XOXOXOXO.

[bananasmodiah]

Extra! Extra! Lord Seungho is CLEARLY IN LOVE! But is in total DENIAL!!!!

Our problematic Seungho never lets us down and prove time after time that he rather die than come to terms with his feelings. Even when he is so set on refusing his true feelings we have his very expressive face to thank because this chapter was a treasure chest when it comes to those.

In this chapter we might actually be seeing feelings of inferiority from SH as hard as it might be to believe. When Min exposed his feelings he only reacted in a physical manner and that might have been thanks to Min’s assault to precious Nakyum... but then comes the truly shocking view... Nakyum is in denial, he cannot believe that someone as highly as his master will have feelings for him... a so called “whore”.

In my humble opinion what prevented even more a confession was Nakyum’s denial. And as I said we might be seeing an inferiority feeling as he doesn’t feel he deserves Nakyum. If not that, we might be seeing fear of rejection, and fear of being hated by the one he so deeply loves and desires.

What encourages his next action is non other than the need to prove to Nakyum that he indeed doesn’t not harbor such feelings so rejection is not needed. He is set in going through with sharing his one precious low born but to his surprise he can’t handle the image once he sees it. He can’t let anyone else touch Nakyum.

So he throws everyone out at once. Now the question is if he’ll embrace the fact that as a human he too loves pr will he keep running away from Nakyum until it is too late. If he avoids Nakyum and leaves him by himself the death of our precious boy will be inevitable since only him can protect him from Nameless...(if not he will be gone like the male servants whose name I didn’t learn when he was alive much less now that he is dead)

And now my favorite part!

This was at the end... wtf? Now I’ll go cry in a corner because my anxious brain will kill me before then! 😭

What do you think will happen next?

[bananasmodiah]

I’m officially the most happy ball of tears!

Maybe I am overthinking but this might be the forst time Nakyum is being protected for the right reasons and in a warmly manner at that.

Min is a scum that deserves to get his tooth pulled out as well but I am kind of... thankful? He has helped our Seungho (I’m going to refrain from calling him a Hoe today) to finally dwell on his feelings.

Nakyum deserves to finally get a little of something good back to him, I am well aware of the fact that Seungho has done awful things to Nakyum but can you think of a better match for him. They are both hurt people who can teach and complete the other. Honestly, Seungho might be the only one able to protect and keep safe our angel who manages to be hated by everyone.

This episode was exquisite when it comes to detail, every facial expression is magnificent at saying what is not beige said using words... don’t believe me, look at our mighty nobleman’s face when his lover was kissed by another man:

Or the way he reacted when he saw that he was being mistreated:

My heart just drop because maybe just maybe the author will delight us with granting Nakyum a little happiness, and perhaps if she is kind enough will let this two thick headed lovebirds settle their feelings for once.

Let’s start sending our prayers!!!!!

[bananasmodiah]

Deep Blue

Paring: Jungkook x OC

Genres: Angst, Fluff, Comedy, AU (is pretty versatile)

Words: 158

A/N: This is little summary of an idea that has been floating in my mind. I hope you enjoy!!!!

All I've ever known are extremes. I've always had trouble meeting in the middle. That, is also how I treat people, I either give my all or I simply don't mind.

The only thing I manage to balance in complete perfection is Jungkook. He is simple, he is green, he is purple. Jungkook manages to make me feel calm and refreshed, just like water, just like a summer breeze.

Growing up, I always felt out of place, like I didn't belong until one day, he just walked into my life with that big smile of his and gave me wings. He encouraged me to love something and helped me achieve it, and for that, I am forever grateful. You see, for an eight-year-old without a thing in this world, he gave the most special gifts: friendship, music, and a way of communication.    

And this is the story of how I fell in love, with dancing, dancing with him.

[bananasmodiah]

Paper Hearts // two

Keep reading

[bananasmodiah]

Paper Hearts // two

Paring: Jungkook x OC (??)

Genres: Angst, Fluff, comedy, AU (is pretty versatile)

Words: 1,060

Summary: Childhood friends meet again but their lives are completely different and so is their relationship.

A/N: Hey guys, hope you enjoy, since this is a story that is being born as It goes I have no idea where is going. Let’s get surprised together!!! I’m sorry if it isn’t in the super fluffy parts yet, I promise is coming. Thank you for reading, I hope you’ll like it at until the next one. <3 

Before:

The bell rang, and I excused myself to open the door for Taehyung. I was ready to live, but my mother had other plans.

"Bring him in Sohee, that way Jungkook can meet him as well," she had something in mind, she doesn't even like Tae that much.

"Tae, I'm so sorry, my mother would like you to meet someone. Do you mind if we go out a little bit later than usual?" I asked him. I suppose that it was the discomfort in my face that gave me away because he accepted.  

"Of course, anything for you." He gave me his big bright box-like smile as he stepped inside. Tae is one of the most handsome guys I've ever seen in my life. His light brown hair is a little wavy and somewhat long with an undercut. He is lean and muscular, but at the same time, he is tall.  

Tae walked past me, and we both headed for the dining room.

"Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Park," he directed himself first to the elders. "How are you guys doing?" this time, he was talking to Byul and Hyeri. Byul got up and did his handshake with Tae like he always did.

"Let me introduce you." Byul pointed at Jungkook. "This is Jeon Jungkook, a family friend and Sohee's childhood best friend." Jungkook got up as well to give Tae a handshake while Byul presented Tae. "This is Kim Taehyung, Sohee's best friend and our sunshine boy." They both smiled at each other.

"Why don't you sit with us, Taehyung?" Asked my mother.

"Thanks, Mrs. Park, I'll take your offer, but I would only eat a little since we are planning on working out," He said as he sat by me.

After:

"Are you feeling better?" asked Tae once I calmed down from all the crying.

"Yes, thank you." I stayed quiet for a bit looking at him, so he gave me a warm smile and his "go-ahead, tell me" look.

"I am sorry Tae, I feel like I haven't been fair to you, just like I'm not being fair to Jungkook by not telling him what happened. I know I've hurt your feelings because I'm a selfish person." I started to say and he held my hand. "You've always been there for me, and you've always been honest about your feelings towards me, but in return, I hurt you. I'm a coward who is afraid to mess up, who is afraid of ruining the only good thing that I still have." I said honestly. "I'm not going to hide any longer. I'm going to face my fears and my reality because if I don't, I am going to end up losing everything for real. Who knows if I'll be able to dance again? The only thing I know is that I need to do things right. For you, and most importantly for myself." Tae gave me a proud look as he patted my head.

"That's the Sohee that I know. You are right, I was hurt because I thought that you didn't care for my feelings towards you. I understand that you are hurt and going through hard times, but I'll be here for you when you are ready to accept my feelings. For now, can I take you out tonight?"

Before:

While having breakfast, all conversations came from Taehyung, Byul, and Jungkook cheerfully talking about sports and getting to know each other, except for my mother's casual comment to let Jungkook know how great Hyeri was, and how she could give him a tour around the city.

"So are you also majoring in dance?" Jungkook cheerfully asked Taehyung.

"No, my dancing skills are limited to jumping around in clubs, very occasionally, you see, we tend to be nerdier than wild." Tae politely answered.  

"That's not true. Tae used to help me practice all the time, and he was quite good, but he suffers from stage fright, which is a shame." I contributed to the conversation for ones.

"A shame, indeed. I would've loved to know someone else in our major. Well, Sohee is enough anyway." He added in his guffy way.

"How so? Sohee is majoring in photography and design." Commented Tae and Jungkook looked at me confused and in surprise.

"Tae is right, I don't dance anymore. Sorry, I should've said it earlier." I said as I tightened my grip in the silverware and keeping the best poker face I could manage. "Excuse us, Taehyung and I are going to be late if we keep postponing our morning workout." I stood up and signaled Tae to follow me.

"Thanks for the meal Mr. and Mrs. Park. It was nice meeting you Jungkook." I heard Tae as I walked to the door. I felt like crying.

After:

When I got home I was planning of going straight to the shower but my mother had other plans.

"Jungkook went out with Hyeri. Alone." She said to stop me.

"That is great. If you excuse me, mother, I need to take a shower to finish my humanity project on time." I said and walked to my room. She followed me as I picked my outfit and grabbed a clean towel.

"How are things going with Taehyung? Are you guys dating already?" she asked shamelessly but I knew she didn't want an answer. "You'll see, Jungkook is a wonderful kid and I would love him and Hyeri to become more acquaintanced, so I would love for the boy to get over that adoration that he has for you. I never understood what he saw, but it's like not even distance and poor communication destroyed it." She was crossing a line once again. No matter what, I also was her daughter and there are ways of saying things without being hurtful.

"Look, I know that you don't see me as one of your children, and that's okay, but there is no reason for you to make me feel like rubbish every time you talk to me. If the solution is to ignore me, I am more than okay with that." I spat at her. "Tea and I are sorting things out, but regardless, you do not need to worry about me interfering with the happiness of your joy and pride." I finished and walked toward the bathroom living her behind.              

[bananasmodiah]

Paper Hearts // one

Paring: Jungkook x OC

Genres: Angst, Fluff, comedy, AU (is pretty versatile)

Words: 1,473

Summary: Childhood friends meet again but their lives are completely different and so is their relationship.

After:

" Why did you give up? That is not the Sohee that I used to know." The way he looked at me was full of pitty, just like my dad looked at me after my mother sent me away when I needed her the most.

"You don't know a thing. You haven't been in my life for the past 10 years, and you think you can call me a quitter." I spat at him. "You've had everything so easy. Your parents love you, and they love each other. They support you and will do anything for you to pursue your dreams." I wanted to cry, my eyes were stinging, and my voice was shaking.

"I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings. Can we talk about what happened? Can I do something to help you..." I interrupted him, he seemed conflicted with the situation.

"They said that it was too late for me. They said that I reached my 'expiration date' too soon. They took my scholarship away and told me to do something different. Do you know how hard it was for me to give away my save place? To give away the only place I felt like I belonged?" Just like that tears escaped my eyes.  

Before:

"Sohee, how is school going?" Askes Chan my mother's husband as we ate dinner.

"It's going okay, I should be able to graduate by the end of the year," I responded calmly. "I've improved in photography and design a lot. Nothing special, but I'll be able to get a job with my current skills," you added.

"Finally, Hyeri is about to start in college as well. How embracing would it be for her to catch up with her older sister. Why can't you be more like her and Byul?" my mother always so loving added as she smiled to my perfect sister, who immediately smiled back at her. I felt Chan's pitiful look on me. I hate the feeling of self-consciousness that my parental figures were so cable of making me feel.

"Don't be like that mom, she is good at photography, and her sketches are divine. The only reason she stayed behind is because of what happened," added Byul, my younger brother. Honestly speaking, he is all I have in this house.

"Do not worry about it Byul, mom has used harsher words before. After all, we all make mistakes, and I'm mom's biggest one," I placed my utensils down and excused myself. "Thanks for the food. I'll be going to my room now."

"Just so you know," she added as I stood up. "Jeon Jungkook will be coming from Busan to finish college. He'll be staying here. Since you two were friends, I thought it would be kind to let you know," if anyone knew how to take my sleep away, that was my mother. Why? Why is he coming back to my life after so long? I wish he didn't, so at least someone would remember the old me.

"Thank you. I'll be going now," I bowed my head to them and walked to my room.

I went to bed a little bit after getting some homework done. I couldn't sleep much, instead, I did some wondering. I tried to picture how he would look after so many years, how his voice would sound, would he still likes the same food, or if he changed a lot.

Some noises coming from downstairs woke me up the next day. I got up, went ahead for a quick shower, got dressed to go for my daily run, but I did not expect what was waiting for me in the living room. I wasn't ready to see him. I was not ready for him to receive me with his huge bunny smile that stayed unchanged by the years. As soon as we made eye contact, he walked towards me with a smile that showed all his teeth.

" Wow Sohee, you grew up so much. Look at you now." I couldn't believe my eyes. This handsome and tall guy could not possibly be the same little kid I used to know. The last time I saw Jeon Junkook we were 13 years old, by the time I was still taller than him, and now, he was at least 5 inches taller than I was. His face didn't change much, he still had his cute baby features but he looked much more like... a man.

"It's okay for you to talk sis, he knows you are not mute, you know. " Teased Byul after I stayed quiet for a few seconds. Moments like these are the ones that made me want to kill him.

"Yeah... I know... just" I couldn't help but mumble. "Hey, how have you been? It's been a while indeed. I could swear you were shorter than me the last time I saw you. " I finally added and mentally smacked myself. From all the things I could've said, I picked the dumbest one. I could see the sparkle in his eyes, he wanted to laugh at how fast I was talking.

" I think it's been 10 years since I last saw you, I couldn't help but grow up, you know. I was so disappointed last time I visited, I wanted to see you and maybe get some dance pointers from you, but you were in Spain with your dad. I'm so glad that you are here this time, we are going to have a blast dancing together in school." He brushed the back of his hair nervously as he smiled. What did he mean pointers? Dancing together? And in school from all places? Wasn't he aware of what happened? Was this a cruel joke? I started to frown as my thoughts spread like wildfire.

"How about we go get breakfast? We can keep catching up later." Byul signaled me with his eyes while saving the moment. And that, I reminded myself, is the reason why I haven't killed him yet, he was somewhat useful sometimes.

He didn't know. Of course, my mother didn't mention the accident, she was probably ashamed, she didn't want to explain how her mixed puppy lost her only talent and had to start college from the very beginning. She didn't want to say that she sent her daughter away to Spain with her father just so she wouldn't feel less than her friends and their outstanding offsprings. I felt my stomach turn, disgust and disbelieve filled me as we walked to the dining room. I could hear my family asking questions to Jungkook, but I couldn't focus on the conversation.

"Sohee, are you still here?" I heard Jungkook asking as Byul squeezed my hand and made me come back to the conversation just in time to catch what was going on.

"Sorry, I get distracted easily," I excused my self.

"Are you okay? you haven't touched your food at all. Are you feeling alright?" He looked concerned.

"Yes, I'm completely okay, I'm just used to having a light breakfast and going for a run with Taehyung, he should be getting here anytime now," I answered as I looked at my watch.  

After:

"Okay, you are extremely distracted today. What is going on? Who was the confused guy at your house?" Taehyung bombarded me with questions.

"Someone is extremely curious today, don't you thing slow ass?" I tried to divert the focus from the conversation as I speed up, but not to my surprise, he caught up quite quickly with those long legs of his.  

"Hey, I know you? What's up?" he stopped me by grabbing my forearm and guided me to a bench close by.

"He is my childhood friend Tae. He doesn't know that I can't dance anymore. He must be so confused, thinking that I'm acting weird, or that I'm avoiding him, which I am. Oh, God! I'm not ready to tell him Tae" I half cried out. "It's as if by admitting to him that I will never dance again, it will become an unchangeable reality." I wanted to cry.

"I'm sorry Mochi." he hadn't used that nickname for a while and that made want to cry even more. It was stupid of me, I see now that I was asking for too much. Tae has been my friend since I started school here after moving from Busan, but around six months ago, he told me that he wanted to be more than friends. Selfish me, asked to stay as friends, and pretend that nothing happened. I stepped on his feelings, all because I didn't want anything to change. I was too afraid to commit, too afraid to be responsible for a heart. And just like that, I broke down and started to cry.

"I'm sorry Tae, I'm really sorry."  

A/N: Hello everyone, I’m sorry, this might not be the most entertaining chapter but I had to somehow build the plot. I promise to do better and pick up the beat. thanks for reading. with love.....

Diah. 

[bananasmodiah]

Same

Why do we keep teaching girls that they have a limit and boys are supposed to conquer the world? Why do we keep telling boys "men don't cry" when they also hurt? Why do we keep encouraging girls to compite for men instead of dreaming big for themselves? Why do we keep expecting boys to carry all the weight the world trows at them without anybody's help? We are all Human, We are all the Same.

[bananasmodiah]

Paper Hearts

Paring: Jungkook x OC

Genres: Angst, Fluff, comedy, AU (is pretty versatile)

Words: 316

Summary: Childhood friends meet again but their lives are completely different and so is their relationship.

A/N: This is an idea that popped in my head and I thought it would be nice to bring it to life. This is mostly a little summary so you guys can tell me what you thing. Next part would be coming soon.   

 I met Jungkook when we were 5. He used to live in the same neighborhood as me and our moms were friends. I remember how he used to follow me around all the time, he was like a cute little bunny always doing little things to make me smile. 

At that time my mom enrolled me in dance class as a distraction for me since I was being bullied at school for not being fully Korean. To my surprise, I fell in love with it so I started to invest more time in dancing and less in playing so as a way to spend time with me he convinced his mom to be enrolled as well. We spent our days together as we got better at it until one day we couldn’t do so anymore. I had to move away to Seoul because of my parents’ divorce. Even when our moms would call each other sometimes we did not get to see each other much while growing up since my mom had a new daughter, this one fully Korean and a new restaurant to manage in “our new home”.

13 years have passed since the last time I saw him, and how much would I give just so I didn’t have to see him again, just so he wouldn’t see me like the pathetic person that I currently am. I don’t dance anymore, now I am just a college student way past my time of graduation and always carry around my camera and sketchbook so I can escape from the fact that I don’ t belong. I don’t belong to this fancy University, I am not good at anything in particular, and I most definitely do not belong here or back in Spain with my dad. I am a constant misfit, and how I see it, he thinks the same. We are not innocent kids anymore.  .

[bananasmodiah]

Fighting! ~such a precious bunny~

happy bunny 🐰 

[bananasmodiah]

© THE KNOCK | Do not edit.

[bananasmodiah]

Why is it so hard to explain that I feel sad for no specific reason? Why is it so hard to explain in how many ways anxiety is eating me away? Why is it so hard to understand that I am tired because I spend my nights busy overthinking and that I have lost my appetite because I am full of regrets. Why do I rather sleep my life away insted of having the strength to get up and actually live it?

[bananasmodiah]

Just because you can not see what I have, just because is not as obvious as a physical illness doesn’t mean that it hurts any less or is something not to take seriously.

“The worst part about having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t”

-Joker (2019)

[bananasmodiah]

You carry a heavy burden, You are Not one.

[bananasmodiah]

Ummmmmmm I’m not crying you are!!! 😭😭😭😭😭❤️

[bananasmodiah]

i’m devastated 🥺

[bananasmodiah]

Paper Hearts

Paring: Jungkook x OC

Genres: Angst, Fluff, comedy, AU (is pretty versatile)

Words: 316

Summary: Childhood friends meet again but their lives are completely different and so is their relationship.

A/N: This is an idea that popped in my head and I thought it would be nice to bring it to life. This is mostly a little summary so you guys can tell me what you thing. Next part would be coming soon.   

 I met Jungkook when we were 5. He used to live in the same neighborhood as me and our moms were friends. I remember how he used to follow me around all the time, he was like a cute little bunny always doing little things to make me smile. 

At that time my mom enrolled me in dance class as a distraction for me since I was being bullied at school for not being fully Korean. To my surprise, I fell in love with it so I started to invest more time in dancing and less in playing so as a way to spend time with me he convinced his mom to be enrolled as well. We spent our days together as we got better at it until one day we couldn't do so anymore. I had to move away to Seoul because of my parents' divorce. Even when our moms would call each other sometimes we did not get to see each other much while growing up since my mom had a new daughter, this one fully Korean and a new restaurant to manage in “our new home”.

13 years have passed since the last time I saw him, and how much would I give just so I didn’t have to see him again, just so he wouldn't see me like the pathetic person that I currently am. I don’t dance anymore, now I am just a college student way past my time of graduation and always carry around my camera and sketchbook so I can escape from the fact that I don’ t belong. I don’t belong to this fancy University, I am not good at anything in particular, and I most definitely do not belong here or back in Spain with my dad. I am a constant misfit, and how I see it, he thinks the same. We are not innocent kids anymore.  .