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bandsfvck · 6 days
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why can’t i ever be enough for someone? why do they always want more? i can be big or small and nobody wants me. i can’t compete with those instagram models. he likes half naked photos of them. so why am i not enough? i just can’t. i can’t keep being in relationships when they’re always looking at other women. it’s so disrespectful and degrading.
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bandsfvck · 5 months
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January 23 2024
I cry into his arms, he holds me close while he softly kisses the top of my head. he allows me to cry it out. when he feels my body still, he stokes my hair while singing the same lullaby my mother used to sing to me. that’s when it hit me. he’s truly the greatest things i’ll ever find in life. i have waited my entire life for him, for the love he offers me. i found my peace.
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bandsfvck · 6 months
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january 12th, 2018
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bandsfvck · 7 months
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November 23
it’s strange how fast time moves.
i’ve been in and out of sleep for 3 days now. i’m beginning to question if i’m alive at all. this life i live is grand and colorful. but what if that’s not who i am? am i meant to live a life where i’m whole and loved? if not to question someone’s love then who am i at all?
this fog has set in. i can’t see anything for miles around me. i lay on cold, wet moss and allow the fog to wrap me tight.
i don’t know how long i’ve been laying here. i don’t know when the fog will pass, but who is to say weather i get up at all. maybe i’ll lay here so long that the moss engulfs me until we are one. maybe i’ll get up and find my way out of the thick, heavy fog.
who knows?
but for now, the moss is my pillow and the fog covers me completely.
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bandsfvck · 7 months
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November 9
It’s my dads birthday. i’m currently working the night shift. i was okay for a few hours after it turned midnight. but then a wave of sadness rushed over me. i was telling nathan about how my grief will last forever. the little things like walking down the isle alone, my dad never getting to be a grandfather and every little thing in between. he put my dads birthday in his calendar. he even said if i don’t want to walk down the isle alone his dad or brothers would be more then happy to accompany me. a year ago today justin had said “he’s not my dad, i don’t care when he died” when i had mentioned my dads birthday in the previous text. it’s strange how much things can change in a year. a few years ago i went to seattle and got the push to really try to get over justin. to tell him i didn’t love him anymore. but i tried to get him back after that still. he’s finally out of my life and i have welcomed the most amazing friendships and relationships i’ve ever had. i’m trying really hard not to be sad but i can’t help it.
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bandsfvck · 7 months
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hey, don't cry. one cup heavy whipping cream, two tablespoons granulated sugar, three tablespoons cocoa powder and whisk until stiff peaks form for three ingredient chocolate mousse, okay?
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bandsfvck · 7 months
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nothing gives me more peace than knowing that love will come back to me in many ways and different forms. i may have no idea what the future holds for me but at least there will be love. & a lot of it
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bandsfvck · 7 months
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yeah i couldn’t be trusted with a penis id get hard from the way the sun shines through the leaves and everyone would hate me
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bandsfvck · 7 months
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bandsfvck · 7 months
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November 7
I wish I could fix whatever is wrong with me. Im so tired of the way my brain works. We are FaceTiming but I feel angry and upset at you. I hate that you follow basically porn stars on instagram. I dont want to be me. I am not doing well today. I haven't been doing well for the past few days. But it seems like no matter what I can't get this feeling to go away. I can't blame it on working nights bc I have been off for a week and have been sleeping during the night. I just have this bad feeling that you will leave and it'll be my fault. But I can't fix who I am. I try and try but its always this way. im always sad and angry.
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bandsfvck · 8 months
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October 16th
I have a different feeling about you. I dont feel unsure, I dont feel like I have to second guess saying things to you. You want to be apart of my life, you want to meet my family. Sometimes all of this can feel overwhelming to me. I haven't had someone in my life that actually wanted to really be apart of it. I'm trying to know its okay to be a little nervous, but to not walk away. When you were leaving today you told me that you loved me. I began to say it back like it was typical of us to say this. But I stopped half way because I remembered that we haven't said this to each other yet. You said you didn't mean to say it and it slipped out. But then later you texted me saying that you meant it and you dont regret saying it, you just wish you had said it at a different moment. I told you that I loved you too. I'm not sure what made me decide to say it back. I haven't told someone I loved them in this way in years. But it felt natural, it felt right. It scares the absolute shit out of me, but im not backing away. I think I do love you. You have been the most caring, thoughtful and funny person I could have ever asked for. You're my boyfriend and I'm happy to call you that. Thank you for coming into my life.
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bandsfvck · 8 months
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October 15th
i am someone’s girlfriend. as of yesterday. it feels surreal. like this is something so good and this can’t possibly be real. ever since i was 12 i’ve never experienced such sweet bliss. life has always been one trauma after another. but yesterday i think that has changed. i feel rich. i feel rich with love. between my amazing friends, the coworkers i adore and now my boyfriend. i feel like life is finally giving me good things. i feel in love with my life before i met my friends or this guy i’m dating. i feel like i deserve this
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bandsfvck · 8 months
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actually, life is beautiful and i DO have time!
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bandsfvck · 8 months
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bandsfvck · 8 months
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I look at google maps of my old childhood home. I click back to an older photo that dated 2012. The grass is green and had just been mowed. In that moment you were still here. You weren’t sick, you were strong enough to mow the grass. In that photo I am 11, I have never experienced any type of trauma. You were still taking me to softball practice. I wish i could live in that photo with you forever.
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bandsfvck · 8 months
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“to love is truly the best and most beautiful thing i ever did”
- mitski
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bandsfvck · 9 months
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my beautiful wife ibuprofen
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