basilfern

[basilfern]

I love my radiator (gay fiancé)

[basilfern]

Trigger warnings, rrl bad stuff mentioned

So, I should probably explain. I no longer believe that to be my first kiss, I wrote overcome with emotions and excitement, and after that it fell crashing down.

Firstly, it wasn't really a kiss, I mean he tried to kiss me (when I didn't expect it in any way) but misjudged the height difference and hit me in my lips with his nose. That kinda hurt

Secondly, for a long time I had a rule to not count something as my first kiss by two rules: that I wanted it, and that it needed to be made with romantic intent (which also excludes family members). And after learning some things I don't think either of them were met. Firstly I didn't expect him to try to kiss me, we never talked in a way that would suggest he would try and while, at that time, I would be open to something forming between us, there was nothing there, all I saw him was as a friend, and not even his pick for prom at which it happened, I was just there because someone cancelled on him. About not meeting the other rule I learned quite a while later, he admitted that he didn't have any feelings for me and thought I had a crush on him, while (at the time) I would be open to asking him on a date if he expressed the want to do so, I didn't have a crush on him and saw him only as a friend. He also told me that he didn't know why he tried to kiss me and it was because "he wanted to see my reaction", I don't know if that was true, as he did try to play some weird mind games with me, a thing I really don't like. So, no romantic intent.

I also no longer have contact with that person, I was sick of how he constantly tried to play mind games on people, mostly me, and how he constantly ditched his friends to run towards a toxic relationship with a person that repeatedly hurt him. It was a cycle, he dumped the toxic person, insulted them relentlessly and cried to his friends about him with us trying to comfort, then some time passed and he was back again getting back into a relationship that actively hurt him. He would go on and on about a clearly abusive person that they were so great, and ghosted me for weeks while I worried because I knew something bad happened but didn't know what. Turns out he bought them home without the knowledge of his parents, when the parents noticed they kicked the abuser out (as they knew what he was doing, and forbid him from their house) at which point my past "friend" sneaked the abuser back and tried to have him sleepover. The parents found out again, and were livid. They kicked the abuser out again and started screaming at the "friend", I didn't like his parents but I completely agree with them not wanting that person in their house. He sent me some messages that something was wrong and he was feeling horrible and was angry at his parents, and then promptly ghosted me for a month while I was constantly writing that I'm worried about him. I stayed up night after night worrying and trying to get in touch but to no avail. When he did finally write back he told me that he thought I had a crush on him and that "he tried to love me back, but couldn't" which is a line he used to so many different people he was with.

By mind games I meant things like the ones he wrote then. Like how he tried to gently let me down by getting a boyfriend, and when he broke up with him, he tried to let me down by talking about a cute guy he saw working at the gas station. That mf though I had a crush on him while I was telling him that he should go and try to talk to that guy and get his number FFS. The mind games were also telling people things he didn't actually mean to see their reaction and/or see if they would pursue him. I think that was the thing that might have happened with him telling me why he tried to kiss me, I think he wanted to see if I would pursue him romantically and when I didn't because he didn't even really speak about it and I felt confused by it, he told me that.

After all of that I decided to fuck that bullshit and cut contact with him, he made me feel like shit for weeks for no reason, constantly worrying that he could've taken his own life, while he was spending time with "the only one that understood him" and he "didn't want to be judged". Fuck it, I'm gonna say it. He told me that person raped him, he didn't want sex and told them that and that person just decided that they wanted it and they decide they would just take him. He cursed that person for hours, for weeks, but he ended up coming back to him over, and over, and over again. When all his friends tried to support him, help him and comfort him, he pushed everyone away to be with that fucker every, single, goddam time. We tried to get him into therapy, but he decided he didn't need it. When anything upset him, we were instantly trying to comfort him, and he pushed everyone away, to be with that fucker, because "he was the first to understand him" and he "never judged him", yes he fkn did, that's why he was constantly breaking up with him, that person was a complete dick that insulted everyone, and when he was with him, he started to do the same.

Trying to help someone that constantly pushed me away, then was telling me he needed my help just to immediately turn back away after he felt fine just to repeat everything was destroying me from the inside, the constant worrying that he might do something to him, that he could harm himself because of him, that while he called me his friend I didn't even know where he was 90% of the time, and then being insulted by him and made fun of when I tried to help. I couldn't stand it, so I cut contact, blocked him pretty much everywhere and told why I did it to his main friend. I couldn't take any more worrying and crying over it.

Maybe some day I'll get back in contact with him, because even after all that, I valued our friendship, but I'm gonna be way more careful of how close I let him get to me, I saw him as my best friend, and I realised he never saw me as his.

I have no idea how this works,

But I had my first kiss yesterday and I'll be riding that high for the years to come and, even tho everyone here seems so cool, right now y'all are losers in my eyes cuz I had my lil gay first kiss and I'm excited.

I also don't have any other way to share it with someone feeling private, so I decided to try to figure out tumblr.

[basilfern]

Here are the photos of the rings, the left photo is the ones I got (on the black cushion), and right are the ones after my grandparents. Like I said I think the ones I got are not too simple, also being elegant. And they have a similar feature on the edges as the ones after my grandparents.

[basilfern]

Hi gang

(I am well aware noone will read this, I just like to throw my thoughts and life events into the abyss, and also I would probably pee my pants if the abyss stared back at me)

Anyyyyways, as of the 6 days ago I no longer have a boyfriend.....

...

We got engaged, yayy 🎉

And listen to me gang, the first words he could get out of his mouth were, and I kid you not

"chat, am I tweaking"

(i would like to point out, English is not our first language, but he did say it in)

So, yea. It's going great, I love him, he's so silly. Sometimes I'm a little scared that we're moving too fast (we've been dating 6 months before getting engaged) and that I'm in some way gonna get hurt. But I truly want to marry him and wanted him to have a physical proof of it. I don't think I'm idealising him and while I don't have any experience even dating beside him I want to be with him, and don't want my occasional worries affect our relationship. He knew I wanted to propose and also wanted it but he didn't know exactly when it would happen, I did it when we were in matching pyjamas and it was very cozy and cutesy. I'm sometimes scared that I'll screw something up because he's the first person I ever dated, and basically my first everything, and he has had some bad events in his life that I don't want to accidentally remind him of. He has diagnosed PTSD after some things and sometimes when he sleeps he'll get scared though sleep when I move my hand and always wakes up if I move in almost any way, I in no way blame him for it but I really don't want to scare him and wake him up completely every time I have to pee at night.

Ending on a brighter note, I really like the rings I got, they're like silver bands, they're pretty simple and elegant while not being too simple for my taste. We wanted both of us to have one, and there was this old tradition where there were two silver engagement rings, actually I wanted to use the rings after my grandparents but we would have to resize them quite a bit and not only would it be way more expensive than buying new ones, it also could make them loose their look ruining them. So I got new ones that had a part of the look of the old ones in them, but I didn't have the chance to correctly size his finger and got his one a bit oversized but it's not too big of a deal even if I need to buy a new one (because of being silver and not having a stone they're pretty cheap for engagement rings).

So, yeah, I got engaged, wow. I might post pics of the ring to give some idea of what I'm talking about but I'm not sure I should.

And yes, he did actually say it, and can't deny it because I recorded the while thing, along with me not being to pop the question for 20 minutes.

OH, I almost forgot the funniest part, I got a ring pop and tried to be funny and "fake" proposed before actually pulling out the rings but bro was ready to accept the ring pop as his engagement ring.

[basilfern]

So I got a binder, I am AMAB non-binary and I have a lot of dysphoria about my body shape.

Few things I noticed (and some help I need),

Holy moly this is hard to put on, like, ridiculously hard to put on, took me an hour and I got stuck multiple times, I'm not sure if i got the right size because in videos on how to put it on I saw people be able to kinda shimmie it in place but for me it was almost impossible to move the binder around, having a lot of friction with my skin

When I have it on and put my arms down my armpits go kinda fleshy fleshy and pop out, it sorta hurts because sometimes it pinches my skin and I don't know if its normal

I got a long binder and am extremely pleased with how it compresses my sides and belly but I noticed that it doesn't really put pressure on the higher portion of my torso so it makes my man boobs in kinda a \ shape

Onto some more positive stuff,

I f***ing love how it makes me feel, after getting on it's really comfortable, both physically and mentally. It stops stuff from moving around and bouncing all over the place and I find the pressure quite pleasant and sort of comforting? Maybe somehow simmilar to the comfort of a weighted blanket (never tried a weighted blanket so not sure if the comparison fits :/ but it sounds right).

Overall it was frustrating to put on and take off but really good to wear. Will not want to take off again

[basilfern]

I'm serious btw

I just realised I texted my boyfriend,

Ah, yea, should explain that, somehow I got a boyfriend now, not the person I wrote about before, and I actually stopped considering that a legitimate first kiss but that's a long story for another weird evening.

So, back to the topic. I texted my boyfriend that I miss him but I started the text with the words "This shit sucks bruv"...

Like actually, what is wrong with me, my communication skills are truly through the roof

But this shit does suck bruv.

[basilfern]

I just realised I texted my boyfriend,

Ah, yea, should explain that, somehow I got a boyfriend now, not the person I wrote about before, and I actually stopped considering that a legitimate first kiss but that's a long story for another weird evening.

So, back to the topic. I texted my boyfriend that I miss him but I started the text with the words "This shit sucks bruv"...

Like actually, what is wrong with me, my communication skills are truly through the roof

But this shit does suck bruv.

[basilfern]

10 posts!

Wow, again kinda cringe

[basilfern]

It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Wow, did I really create a Tumblr account like 2 weeks after my birthday, kinda cringe

[basilfern]

It's honestly crazy how much music from Celeste and Omori is used in videos on youtube, I'm just watching some crazy video and start hearing by your side followed by Mello (b-side chapter 5) and then Bready Steady Go

It's just so bizzare to me

[basilfern]

It is late.

I am sick.

I celebrated my 19th birthday 2 days early.

I am looking up how to hug people because I have almost no healthy human interactions in my life.

Because I met someone who I want to give the best hugs possible.

[basilfern]

my biologically 22 year old transgender daughter, turning deep red and trying not to pop a blood vessel: H...HAAAAAAAA......RRRAAAAAAAGHHH!!!!

me, periodically glancing back over my shoulder while doing 110 down the I-95: Come on sweetheart, focus! Kids 6 and under eat free at this place and I know you can age regress 2 more years

the angel chained up in the passenger seat browsing the menu on his phone with his free hand: do u guys think these are like actual buttermilk pancakes or is it just a marketing term

[basilfern]

Hey now, you’re an all star

listen to what I orchestrated

SoundCloud

YouTube

Instagram reel (please share directly from my own account)

[basilfern]

I thought about it, and my relationship with death is really quite humorous.

I am extremely scared by it. And at the same time without that fear I would have been dead long ago.

I hope that someone is gonna get a laugh out of this paradox.

[basilfern]

I did it 🎉

Tho with a different pic. No cats were harmed in making of those photos. I'm probably gonna change the avatar soon but I wanted to only use my own photos and I don't have anything better, so this will have to do for now

[basilfern]

I was serious about not having an idea of what I'm doing, my only knowledge of how this works are cherry picked posts I saw on youtube and reddit, also those very bad (is it okay to swear?) reading on tiktok with Minecraft parkour, often extremely bad Minecraft parkour, in the background when I'm too tired to scroll past angrily and double back to block the account.

I both feel like a toddler figuring out how the world works and a delirious old man trying to understand a video call. Why does changing my avatar not work, I just wanted a picture of my cat in a sick chain there. And also why does making another line manually change the spacing or am I going crazy

[basilfern]

Yes I am feeling extremely cocky now. Otherwise I would never write like this. I am ✨scared of social interactions✨