beatricethexv

[beatricethexv]

i still remember those cold nights

& just like that

on a random Thursday

my life had shifted for the better

most of my worries have some how evaporated

as if i was in the coldest winter

the only warm i received was from the occasional sun

that had orbited around my existence for months

but then

all the snow melted away

and though i want to

i need not to forget 

about the coldest nights i ever had

just to glorify the sunlight

[beatricethexv]

one of those girls

i remember sitting with him

in the darkened room 

he was gluing my pop socket back on

& i simply told him i thought he might break up with me

that i had gone too far 

been too crazy

it wasnt the first time i was crazy

it wouldnt be the last time i thought he might break up

because guys like him

they usually go for the girls that are not like me

the pretty pictured 

blonde haired

the ones so effortlessly effortless

they dont stay up at night wondering if they had gone insane

only to wake up in the morning 

regretting the babble that spit out of their mouths the night before

guys like him dont go for girls like me

it just doesnt simply happen

so 

i mentioned he may want to break up

and in that room

he grabbed my hands 

leaned forward until his face was inches from mine

and reassured me he wasnt going to 

as he put hair behind my ear

and for a moment

a small moment

a moment nonetheless

i felt like one of those girls

[beatricethexv]

broken heart part II

and love

sometimes i dont think is meant for me

but there you are

standing there

begging me to stand up from where i am drowning

but my legs wont move

and the floods are too much 

but your eyes are blue like the water

but the water is what keeps me down

but your so strong you lift me

and ill always see you in my dreams

even if i never do in reality

so whats the point of it all spiraling to nothing 

if it will always haunt me

so i might as well learn to hold my breath

[beatricethexv]

broken heart part I

im breaking my own heart in the worst way

pushing you away

hoping 

praying 

dreaming

youll stay 

but broken hearts cant beat

and im afraid ill loose everything

and love

sometimes i dont think is meant for me

[beatricethexv]

hair

i always hated my hair

i wanted it to curl it

color it

change it any way i could

then

i met you

somehow my brown is beautiful

somehow i wanted to go natural

i havent been natural since high school

i walked into the hair dressers

told her i wanted to go back to the color of my roots

all because you told me it was beautiful

you told me every color i had was beautiful

but somehow it stuck 

when you told me 

that being me

was more than enough

[beatricethexv]

fatefully

every single moment

before i met you

was the prelude

i didnt know why

i had incarnated

until i met

your pair of eyes

& then

every moment

came together

fatefully

[beatricethexv]

the archer (2019) & evermore (2020) - parallels

[beatricethexv]

august // taylor swift

[beatricethexv]

Inspo-Typo series 11/?

Vladimir Glebovich Serebrovsky (1937 - 2016) - Neskuchny Garden. 2008. Gouache on cardboard X the lakes, Taylor Swift

[beatricethexv]

September will be filled with happiness.

September will be filled with blessings.

September will be filled with positivity.

September will be filled with progress.

September will be filled with kindness.

September will be filled with love.

September will be filled with opportunities.

[beatricethexv]

never

i'm not going to let you go

so if fate really has it out for me

she'll have to seduce you to break my heart

because it won't be me

there is nothing in this world that could make me stop loving you

even if I hate you

i won't stop loving you

& that is the worst part of it all

because you could break my heart

into a million pieces

you could spread them across the sky

that hangs over our beach

but just like the waves

i'll always keep coming back to you

hoping you'd let me

just touch you one more time

[beatricethexv]

how to get home

your small town i have memorized

that mostly lonely road 

right off the exit 

where i almost hit a turtle crossing 

GPS would tell you to turn right 

but turn it off and go left

youll make your way to a light that will almost always be red

but youll almost always be able to turn right anyways

youll drive past houses with steep hills for driveways 

and a dingy hotel that youll never want to step foot in

youll drive past a small farm with a few cows

know that i have started to name them all entirely 

youll drive over a railroad track

i am pretty sure that is not in use anymore

youll make it to what seems to be the only grocery store in town

know that every sunday night we go shopping for his groceries 

know that its one of my favorite things

youll come to a light

turn right

if you see the pizza place we stood in for 45 minutes on some random Sunday night

you’ve gone too far

once you find his street 

look for a red chevet

park right behind it 

then you have made it to the destination

where he stands there and opens the door

kisses and hugs come after that

the love of my life carries my bags inside 

and i am so lucky i get to leave my house

and visit home a few times a week 

[beatricethexv]

will you still love me when im fourty three

i am so utterly afraid 

years down the line

we will have a house

and maybe a few kids

and youll be tired of me

and ill be sick of you

you will spend every waking moment working

and your free time anywhere but with me

and i will sit at home and cry

i will cry because twenty three year old me 

knew this would happen

but she ignored her gut 

knowing that the coming years would be filled with magic

[beatricethexv]

she asked me if i believed in god and i told her that when i was four i almost drowned in a public pool and in my panic mistook a stranger for my father. i clawed my way up his leg. four years later he’d send my parents a picture of the scars alongside a tin of cookies. he said, “i hope she’s still okay. i carry her with me. it isn’t every day you save a life. it isn’t every day you feel like you were here for a reason. when it does happen, you have to cherish that memory. for once, i had a purpose. just being there was enough. she tore me open but she taught me a lot about love.”

[beatricethexv]

what is success?

how do you measure success

i used to do it by my work

praise from my employers 

but now im unemployed 

and no one will hire me

i used to measure it by the attention id get from men

but im content in a relationship 

i dont have to look for it anywhere else

i dont know what is success anymore

but sometimes it realy feels like

getting out of bed everyday

not killing myself

and breathing

when all i want to do is stop

[beatricethexv]

hes the reason im alive

i think if i didnt have him

i’d kill myself

not in the tragic way

but its true

he is at most times

the only light in my life

everywhere else feels less when hes not around

there is no other way to put it

i am unemployed

almost twenty three year old

living with my parents whom i hardly see

i spend most of my days 

sitting on the couch watching tv instead of reading

and when im alone for long enough

my mind reminds me of the past traumas 

hes the reason i live monday through friday

because i know i get to see him then

[beatricethexv]

my dad died two years ago

i never eat meatloaf

because i only liked it when my dad made it

and my dad is dead

but i never ate it when he was alive

because my parents were separated

a comfort food of mine is the breakfast at mcD

because i used to eat that when i slept over my dads house

i am not afraid of ghosts 

because i used to hear the sound of children laughing 

and running down the hallway

in my dad’s house and when i went to look there was no one

i have a deck of cards that i carry in my purse

because a week before my dad passed

he was meant to teach me

we only got through the basics

but the next time he had meant to teach me

he was bedridden and couldn't talk

i tap my pointer and middle fingers against the steering wheel when i hear a song i like

because my dad always did that