beccasmhjourney

[beccasmhjourney]

I forgot to mention my mild obsession with essential oils!  

I started using essential oils maybe a year ago.  I started out by buying a six-oil set from Eden’s Garden and fell in love.  I probably have around 15 different oils now.  I’ve made a few homemade home and beauty products.  They are so simple to make and it’s nice to know exactly what is going into your products.

I use lavender or the EG Stress Relief blend the most currently.  They help with the anxiety.  My mom got me a lava rock diffuser necklace that I load up with Stress Relief and I just sniff it all day long.  It’s very relaxing.  I just ordered their Align blend, which is also supposed to be really good for anxiety, so I’m excited to get that soon.

[beccasmhjourney]

Things have been going well since starting the Lexapro a week-and-a-half ago.  The constant anxiety has pretty much disappeared and my sleep has definitely improved.�� No more panic attacks while trying to fall asleep.  Today has been a little weird, probably because I’ve been sitting on my butt around the house all weekend and general anxiety regarding having to do a full week of work this week.  

It was nice to get out of the house and go grocery shopping earlier.  It is also a nice feeling to know that I don’t have to worry about class or homework for like a month.  I wonder if that’s an indicator that grad school is a HUGE source of anxiety for me, or the timing just happens to coincide with the medication taking effect.

[beccasmhjourney]

I get so caught up and excited when I’m not feeling anxious that I try too hard to take advantage of that time and overdo myself really quickly.  I get tired and the anxiety comes back fast.  It’s similar to nursing an injured limb.  You have to take it slow for the healing to happen, even if you feel like you’re doing okay, you just might not be ready to go all the way.  The most important thing is to maintain the peace.

[beccasmhjourney]

The most recent struggle

Early October I tried to go to bed one night and while I was trying to fall asleep I had a straight up panic attack.  I would describe it but thinking about it would just exacerbate the anxiety right now so let’s just say I was convinced I was dying but C was able to identify that I was just having a panic attack.  Nothing significant happened that I can identify as a trigger for it, other than the fact that the Las Vegas shooting happened a few days earlier.

I continued to have smaller panic attacks, feeling anxious most of the time, and had some disturbing intrusive thoughts that would cause more anxiety and panic.  I saw my doctor the following week and she put me back on the Wellbutrin, this time at a slightly smaller dose.  I had a panic attack the morning that I started taking the Wellbutrin again, so that was fun.  It has helped reduce the feelings of panic and reduce the intrusive thoughts a bit, but I’m not at the level of functioning that I should be.  I know what it’s like to feel normal and this is not normal.  I had my one month follow-up appointment yesterday (has it really only been one month?  That can’t be right...) and we decided to switch to Lexapro.  Lexapro has been proven for GAD and OCD (I am concerned about that because of the intrusive thoughts - hello psychopathology class) so I have high hopes for this helping me return to normal.  

I just really hate feeling this way.  It is not fun to constantly have a tight feeling in your chest and worry about your thoughts taking control of your life.  It’s especially frustrating because a) I have good insight and I know all of this is not real and dysfunctional and b) I am truly in a really good place in my life right now and I AM HAPPY, aside from the stress of working 45 hours a week, spending 8 hours in class and driving to/from class, and trying to balance homework, a social life, and self-care with my remaining time.  

It’s just scary.  I have bad thoughts sometimes, like what if I just drove off the road or something.  It’s not something I would EVER act on because getting hurt and dying are quite literally my biggest fears.  It just doesn’t make any sense because I know these thoughts are not me, at all.

Like I said, I have high hopes for the Lexapro and I am going to call and set up an appointment with a psychiatrist to help me come up with some strategies for dealing with the anxious/intrusive thoughts.  It’s a little “funny” because I feel like I have come full circle by being put on Lexapro, the medication that I was first prescribed for anxiety.  

Basically, I made this Tumblr as a place to record my thoughts and to watch my progress.  Perhaps if there are days when it’s hard for me to verbalize what I’m dealing with to my therapist I can show them this.  Maybe I can connect with some other people for support too.  Gotta be careful though, because I am really sensitive to like literally everything and I don’t want to accidentally come across a post that triggers me into a panic attack or something.

[beccasmhjourney]

My journey, so far.

I’ve always been a worrier.  I can remember as far back as first grade, the night before my very first sewing class I was a nervous wreck.  I couldn’t sleep and I felt sick.  Other than that, I can’t recall anything remarkable up until college.  It was either my sophomore or junior year when I started to have problems.  My boyfriend broke up with me and I was devastated.  I don’t deal with loss very well.  I would sleep all the time when I didn’t have things to do.  I remember laying in bed and being so nervous and paranoid about things that were completely ridiculous.  

I decided to go to the doctor, probably just wanting a prescription for Xanax or something, and she diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.  I never had any thoughts of self harm or anything, I was more just a lethargic, nervous wreck.  I was prescribed Lexapro and away I went.  I tried a few therapy sessions at the university counseling center but nothing really clicked.  The Lexapro seemed to do the trick and that was that for two or three years.  

A little while after graduating college and moving downstate I felt that the Lexapro wasn’t really working as effectively anymore.  I was back to being lethargic and sleeping all the time, although it probably had something to do with my social situation at the time.  I found an amazing PA in my hometown and she switched me to Celexa for a hot minute but that didn’t really do anything for me, and then to Paxil.  At some point I had some things happen in my personal life that lead me to see a counselor.  She was also amazing and helped me grow a lot over the year or so that I saw her the first time.  

Fast forward another couple of years to when I decided that I didn’t like the Paxil either.  I had gained a fair amount of weight and I wasn’t a fan of the sexual side effects.  My PA made the choice to switch me to Wellbutrin.  The actual transition from Paxil to Wellbutrin was HORRID.  I either misunderstood the medical assistant or she didn’t tell me the correct method but I stopped taking the Paxil cold turkey and started taking the Wellbutrin.  I was so nauseous and dizzy all day for at least a week.  Not to mention I had some really shitty personal shit go down at the same time, so that didn’t help.  I was back in counseling for another year.  

Fast forward again to earlier this summer.  I decided that I didn’t need to be on the Wellbutrin anymore.  I was tired of taking an antidepressant if I didn’t need it, especially because I felt like I was in a really good place in my job, relationship and school.  So, I called my doctor and the MA instructed me how to titrate off of it.  This was in July.  

[beccasmhjourney]

Hi, I’m Becca.  I’m 27 years old and have struggled with anxiety and depression on and off for about six or seven years.  I’m hoping that chronicling my journey will help with the healing process.

A little more about me:

- I have a full time office job in the manufacturing industry - I also take grad school classes at night because I am working towards getting my masters in counseling psychology - I have two cats, who I am obsessed with - I live with my boyfriend, who is completely incredible and supportive of me as I work through these struggles.