bestprepare-blog

[bestprepare-blog]

It all started with a quick fb post

And now I’m on here. I have decided to start blogging about many things, but on the most part the recovery from a particularly dark period of my life. Last year I wrote a few words about my experiences over the years so thought that would be a good place to start:

I don’t usually like to post to facebook as I get really anxious about it. The idea of people I met once on a drunken night out during fresher’s week being able to build an image of me from a few photos and status’ is unnerving – I’d like to say I’m attempting to retain an air of mystery but really I’m just scared of being judged. Anyway, I’ve found that amongst the memes and mostly inane posts that make up my timeline, I’ve really appreciated reading about other people’s experiences with mental illness, especially when I’ve not been in a good place. It is inspiring, encouraging and life-affirming knowing I am lucky enough to call these fighters my friends and associates. I guess as it is Mental Health Awareness Week I’ve decided to throw caution to the wind and say a little something, although it is an issue for every day. It is such a common problem and it needs to be spoken about. So here it goes…

Mental illness of all kinds is a daily struggle against your own mind. Trial and error with different treatments and medication is necessary to try and control your symptoms, and that journey can be frustratingly long. Mine has now been over a decade. I am eternally grateful for the unconditional love and support my family and friends have shown over the years. I know I am very fortunate to have this, and that many others do not.

You never know what another person has been through or is going through. You yourself may experience mental illness one day so I implore you - do not let anyone feel less than because of it. Whether it be in the work place or with your friend that keeps cancelling on you or ignoring messages, show them kindness and respect. They hate themselves enough as it is. A lot of unattractive behaviours are symptoms, so be understanding and know that they will make it up to you when they are able. This does not excuse hurtful behaviour though – call them out if they are being a shit. Whilst they may not be able to be the friend you need at the time, that acknowledgment could save your future relationship – resentment and guilt, misplaced or otherwise, does not feature in healthy connections.

I have had many diagnoses over the years, but Depression, Anxiety and BPD are the ones that have stuck around. I have capitalised these words to acknowledge the severity of the effects these can have on a person. Whilst I may be smiling and friendly and outwardly ‘fine’, you do not see what it has taken to get to this point. There is a unique sadness to being told how happy you seem when it is often all an act.

Imagine the exhaustion of living when your brain is telling you to die. Or the debilitation that comes with the belief that anything you do, no matter how small, will result in someone else’s death. Feeling you are tolerated, not wanted; that everybody hates you or will do as soon as they realise how awful you really are. Apologising for everything, but mainly your existence. You are an actor, masking your feelings to get through the day and the interactions it entails until you just, can’t. Until bed is the only option, yet sleep is not your friend. Hiding from life and your loved ones, too embarrassed to let them see how pathetic you’ve become. Netflix soundtracks days, weeks or months of desperation or apathy, books require a concentration that is beyond reach, but you’ll try anything to quieten the constant narrative of self-hate running through your head. Self-hate, self-doubt, self-pity, self-harm, self-disgust, self-destruct, self-absorbed – it is a disease of the self. There doesn’t have to be a reason, it just is. Environments and events may contribute to and aggravate it, but it remains an illness. It is not your fault.

The physical symptoms are also distressing; panic attacks, migraines and IBS exacerbate the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I don’t believe there is a cure, but once you have had an episode and you’ve managed to recover, when you relapse you have an idea of what to expect and can try to implement the techniques you’ve learned to minimize impact. It will always be an uphill struggle but the pain can and will pass.

I am extremely lucky. It is a silent killer. I have been able to access the support I needed, although many others do not get that chance. The constant cuts to the NHS are a disgrace to our society.

It has taken a very long time but I am now at a point where I have accepted that these are illnesses, and should be treated as such. As a teenager I denied this, and the paranoid delusions I was experiencing stopped me from accepting the help I needed. My parents believed I would spend my life in and out of hospitals, and I’m grateful everyday that it hasn’t turned out like that. It is hard not to lament missed experiences and time lost to despair when well, but to be alive is a gift – be as present as possible and enjoy it whilst able.

Please do not underestimate me. I do not want your pity. I probably don’t want to talk about it. I am capable and when I am well I can and will achieve everything that I want to in life. Just, sometimes, I may disappear for a bit.

The person who needs help may not be aware of it yet, that acceptance comes in time. You can help by letting them know they are valued, and when they are ready you will be there to book them a doctor’s appointment/get them some food/go for a walk.

A lot of this has probably been regurgitated from the millions of self-help articles I’ve read over the years, but I guess there is a reason they are written so often. I’m so grateful to have reached a place where I am not afraid to share this information about myself. For anyone that’s suffering, it will get easier. You deserve your place on this planet; your existence matters. Be kind to yourself. Accept help when it is offered, it is not weak. You are so strong just to exist.