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[bitterwholesomegay]

Church leadership publicly says homophobic things. Sebastian responds in varying ways as he learns that he is loved.

-------------------

or, the one where some of the most highly-regarded church leaders intentionally said some homophobic bullshit in public and i needed to Process those feels. shockingly enough, that has come in the form of projecting onto Sebastian Brother

[bitterwholesomegay]

i recently attended a funeral of someone i knew through the queer mormon community, and i needed some space to process my feelings. i suspect that'll be happening a lot with Sebastian Brother. 

cw for referenced off-screen suicide of an original character.

[bitterwholesomegay]

the nerve!!

[bitterwholesomegay]

my bitter gay exmormon ass finally finished that autoboyography fic i started literal months ago

[bitterwholesomegay]

guess what y’all. finally finished that fic i started 5 months ago

https://archiveofourown.org/series/1035026

it’s about sebastian and tanner going to over to gay aunt emily and her wife’s for dinner and having some #realtalk

autoboyography: unorganized thoughts from a queer ex-mormon

ALRIGHT Y’ALL, JUST FINISHED THIS BOOK AND I SHOULD GO TO BED BUT YOU KNOW WHAT FINALS ARE OVER FUCK MY SLEEP SCHEDULE

(SPOILERS AHEAD, SORRY NOT SORRY GOTTA FEELS DUMP)

this book was such a delight. i have the true privilege of knowing a lot of other queer folks who were also raised lds (several of whom continue to try to be active in the church, most of whom have left) through organizations like Affirmation and Mama Dragons and also the nature of being involved in any sort of queer community in utah (LMAO WE’RE ALL BITTER EXMORMONS LET’S GET DRUNK AND TELL SEMINARY HORROR STORIES), so this isn’t quite as much as A Revelation as it might have been for a younger, less connected me, but i am so so so so so so happy that this book exists (and has such a cute and enticing cover! utah teens will pick it up at the bookstore/library and be like this looks cute lemme rea—ooooohhhhhh holy cr*p this is me this is my life what the h*ck). this book Needs to exist and i’m so happy it does

i do have some criticism, but i need to gush about representation for a hot sec first

can we just talk about the way sebastian’s existential gay panic was portrayed? he flipped back and forth from feeling So Right in the moments he was with tannner to having the church’s teachings sink back in as soon as he’s alone with his thoughts. i thought this was written wonderfully, and i’m so glad the authors chose not to write his gay panic as an in-the-moment thing (which it can often be, don’t get me wrong) because i absolutely Adored the contrast of his thoughts and his actual experiences. it was Very Real for me

also let’s talk about sebastian’s journey to self acceptance

because hoo boy this is So well researched

the distinction he makes between having same-sex attraction (the language the church uses) and being or identifying as gay is such a real thing that the church genuinely encourages in real life, and i have had this conversation with so many people. the way the authors captured sebastian’s cognitive dissonance was honestly spot on

tbh i could talk about sebastian for quite some time but this isn’t a sebastian-only post, let’s move on (and then probably circle back around in a minute, if we’re gonna be real)

i really enjoyed the way the church is shown honestly - for both the good and the bad it does. the book is written in the first person of a non-mormon character who’s mom was raised in the church but left and has had very little contact with it since, so initially it’s very antagonistic towards anything mormon (AS A BISEXUAL NEVERMO LIVING IN PROVO IS WONT TO DO, IN COMPLETE AND TOTALLY JUSTIFIED FAIRNESS) (WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, I LOVED. I WAS IMMEDIATELY ENDEARED BY HIS SALTINESS TOWARDS PROVO MORMONS). then as tanner gradually gets to know sebastian (a bishop’s son who he has a crush on) sebastian shows him the parts of the church he Loves, that does good, that helps him figure out how to exist in the world. i really loved the duality and complexity of the church as a figure in the story. because of the way the church teaches black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking, it’s incredibly rare to see a discussion of the church as anything but complete sunshine and Christ-Like Love™ or “no this religion is basically a cult and it’s evil”. but because of the contrasting perspectives of one v v v mormon character and one never-mormon character, we get to see both perspectives and hold that cognitive dissonance of “is this good or bad” as a reader

okay but also

the main character, tanner (nevermormon) had a gay aunt and aunt emily? never showed up in the story????????? she was essentially a rhetorical device to thicken tanner’s mother’s (emily’s sister) complicated feelings about the church. WHERE IS GAY AUNT EMILY AND HER WIFE???? THEY WERE A PLOT DEVICE INSTEAD OF CHARACTERS AND I’M REAL NOT PLEASED ABOUT IT

no seriously i’m off to go write fic about gay aunt emily and her wife as soon as i finish this post

probably about sebastian talking with gay aunt emily and finding a mentor in how to engage with the church and the world more broadly in the midst of the gay existential crisis

but anyways, this was a great book, i consumed it whole, and i loved it so much that i’m off to go write fic for it (because there is literally one fic in this fandom and i Cannot Let That Stand)

[bitterwholesomegay]

sebastian brother + spirituality headcanons

otherwise known as: one queer exmormon has finally found their fandom niche

tw for descriptions of anxiety/panic attacks, depression, and church-related guilt (but also it’s not all sad, i swear)

(put under a cut bc this got LONG AS HELL)

sebastian brother, even after he’s well and thoroughly questioned the church and their stance on just about everything, doesn’t go looking into church history. autumn tells him where to find the deets on all the sketchy church history stuff, but sebastian...never looks it up.

he feels disillusioned enough as it is, and his family life Revolves around the church. he feels like if he questions the institution itself and not just his relationship to it, he might lose respect for the people he still cares a lot about—even if they’re not his biggest fans right now

even though several of his family members aren’t talking to him (might never talk to him again, as far as he knows), he refuses to become jaded towards them. lots of his friends he’s met through affirmation have distanced themselves from the families they were born into, and more than a few of them try not to care about those people anymore. sebastian totally sees why—kind of wishes he could join them in their not caring—but he can’t. he still cares about them deeply and is still, despite everything that’s happened, trying to think the best of them.

tanner tried to call them “a bunch of homophobic dickwads with all the critical thinking skills of a blind lemming” once, and sebastian fucking lost it. he Insisted they were still good people, and they’re just trying to act according to their moral compass (that happens to be externalized in the form of anything the church says, wHICH WE CAN ARGUE ABOUT LATER, TANNER. THE POINT IS THEY’RE JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT, FOLLOW THE PROPHET, AND HOLD TO THE IRON ROD.)

privately, he thinks about what tanner said a lot though. he wonders how much prejudice is blindly following the guidance of their leaders. he wonders if they would follow suit if the church made a 180° about-face on their views on homosexuality tomorrow. he wonders if they did if it would make him feel better or worse. on the one hand, it would mean none of this was personal. on the other hand, tanner’s point about lemmings...

sebastian brother doesn’t leave the church immediately. his existential crisis is long and drawn out and filled with guilt and shame—not just for being gay, but also for having a crisis of faith at all.

tanner really doesn’t get it and isn’t always the best at being supportive. gay aunt emily chews him out for it though. (“emily, I’M your nephew, shouldn’t you be giving sebastian the shovel talk, not me?” “nope. you need it more than him.”)

incidentally, gay aunt emily and sebastian end up becoming pretty good friends. she hasn’t engaged with church stuff in years, but someone has to be there for this poor gay mormon boy and if no one else is going to be, then So Help Her God-that-she-no-longer-believes-in, she will.

back to sebastian though

sebastian doesn’t stop going to church right away. he’s wracked with guilt every time he does go, and trying to figure out if he’s worthy of taking the sacrament when he’s sinning but has no intention of stopping is a nightmare, but he still goes.

the first time he goes and doesn’t take the sacrament, he ends up dry-heaving in the men’s room. he misses all of the talks and slinks back in and sits on the back pew during the last verse of the closing hymn. after the closing prayer, he gets up, grabs his scriptures from where he left them, and bolts. he doesn’t stay for the rest of the block.

the first general conference he doesn’t watch, he spends the whole weekend in bed crying. tanner tries to get him to go out with him and let himself have fun and be distracted, tries to get him to the kitchen to eat some soup when the going out plan clearly isn’t gonna happen, and then eventually brings the soup to him in bed. sebastian ignores tanner and his admittedly good-smelling soup, and tanner leaves it on his nightstand for when he’s ready for it.

after sebastian continues to not get out of bed for a week after, tanner convinces him to go see a therapist. tanner recognizes a depression spiral when he sees one, and while sebastian refused to admit it, church was giving him literal panic attacks.

sebastian gets into see a local counselor who specializes in the intersection of faith and LGBTQ identities.

his counselor helps him identify what he gets from church and what things he might be able to find at other non-mormon churches. he’s initially very resistant to the idea of investigating other churches, but one night when the guilt insomnia keeps him awake, he googles “lgbt-friendly churches near me”, and is on gaychurch.org until daylight starts creeping through his window.

while he’s not ready to go to a service anytime soon, he did make note of the ones that sounded interesting.

he thinks about the list he made often and several times he visits websites of some of the churches he found.

eventually he decides that he wants to visit one or two of the churches whose websites he keeps returning to.

when he tells this to tanner, he’s not expecting anything, but tanner immediately volunteers to go with him. sebastian hadn’t thought tanner would really want to, since he’s not really religious himself, but tanner insists, saying he wants to be there for moral support. sebastian is honestly really touched, and it means a lot that tanner would want to be there for him like that.

it takes him a couple sundays to build up to it, but when he finally does, he gets to the steps of the church, annnnnnnnnnnd nearly runs away. would have, if tanner didn’t stop him and talk him through his panic.

when they do go in, they sit unassumingly near the back, providing sebastian an easy exit, if he needs one.

it turns out that he doesn’t.

the sermon is about love—loving one another, god’s love for all his children, and how love should never be linked with shame. the minister makes mention of her wife, and sebastian cries. tanner looks a little worried, but sebastian makes no move for the door, so he assumes they were good tears, and keeps listening to the sermon.

afterwards, sebastian kind of wants to go thank the minister for what she said, but is also absolutely terrified of doing that, so he and tanner go home instead of staying to mingle.

after they get home, sebastian texts emily. she knew he was going to check out a new church today and asks him how it was. he talks about how he felt the spirit in a way that he hadn’t in a long time at church.

he doesn’t know what this means for a long time after. he goes to a couple different churches with tanner and texts emily about all of them. he goes back to the first one a few times. all he really knows is he feels god’s love more than he has in years.

[bitterwholesomegay]

autoboyography: unorganized thoughts from a queer ex-mormon

ALRIGHT Y’ALL, JUST FINISHED THIS BOOK AND I SHOULD GO TO BED BUT YOU KNOW WHAT FINALS ARE OVER FUCK MY SLEEP SCHEDULE

(SPOILERS AHEAD, SORRY NOT SORRY GOTTA FEELS DUMP)

this book was such a delight. i have the true privilege of knowing a lot of other queer folks who were also raised lds (several of whom continue to try to be active in the church, most of whom have left) through organizations like Affirmation and Mama Dragons and also the nature of being involved in any sort of queer community in utah (LMAO WE’RE ALL BITTER EXMORMONS LET’S GET DRUNK AND TELL SEMINARY HORROR STORIES), so this isn’t quite as much as A Revelation as it might have been for a younger, less connected me, but i am so so so so so so happy that this book exists (and has such a cute and enticing cover! utah teens will pick it up at the bookstore/library and be like this looks cute lemme rea—ooooohhhhhh holy cr*p this is me this is my life what the h*ck). this book Needs to exist and i’m so happy it does

i do have some criticism, but i need to gush about representation for a hot sec first

can we just talk about the way sebastian’s existential gay panic was portrayed? he flipped back and forth from feeling So Right in the moments he was with tannner to having the church’s teachings sink back in as soon as he’s alone with his thoughts. i thought this was written wonderfully, and i’m so glad the authors chose not to write his gay panic as an in-the-moment thing (which it can often be, don’t get me wrong) because i absolutely Adored the contrast of his thoughts and his actual experiences. it was Very Real for me

also let’s talk about sebastian’s journey to self acceptance

because hoo boy this is So well researched

the distinction he makes between having same-sex attraction (the language the church uses) and being or identifying as gay is such a real thing that the church genuinely encourages in real life, and i have had this conversation with so many people. the way the authors captured sebastian’s cognitive dissonance was honestly spot on

tbh i could talk about sebastian for quite some time but this isn’t a sebastian-only post, let’s move on (and then probably circle back around in a minute, if we’re gonna be real)

i really enjoyed the way the church is shown honestly - for both the good and the bad it does. the book is written in the first person of a non-mormon character who’s mom was raised in the church but left and has had very little contact with it since, so initially it’s very antagonistic towards anything mormon (AS A BISEXUAL NEVERMO LIVING IN PROVO IS WONT TO DO, IN COMPLETE AND TOTALLY JUSTIFIED FAIRNESS) (WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, I LOVED. I WAS IMMEDIATELY ENDEARED BY HIS SALTINESS TOWARDS PROVO MORMONS). then as tanner gradually gets to know sebastian (a bishop’s son who he has a crush on) sebastian shows him the parts of the church he Loves, that does good, that helps him figure out how to exist in the world. i really loved the duality and complexity of the church as a figure in the story. because of the way the church teaches black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking, it’s incredibly rare to see a discussion of the church as anything but complete sunshine and Christ-Like Love™ or “no this religion is basically a cult and it’s evil”. but because of the contrasting perspectives of one v v v mormon character and one never-mormon character, we get to see both perspectives and hold that cognitive dissonance of “is this good or bad” as a reader

okay but also

the main character, tanner (nevermormon) had a gay aunt and aunt emily? never showed up in the story????????? she was essentially a rhetorical device to thicken tanner’s mother’s (emily’s sister) complicated feelings about the church. WHERE IS GAY AUNT EMILY AND HER WIFE???? THEY WERE A PLOT DEVICE INSTEAD OF CHARACTERS AND I’M REAL NOT PLEASED ABOUT IT

no seriously i’m off to go write fic about gay aunt emily and her wife as soon as i finish this post

probably about sebastian talking with gay aunt emily and finding a mentor in how to engage with the church and the world more broadly in the midst of the gay existential crisis

but anyways, this was a great book, i consumed it whole, and i loved it so much that i’m off to go write fic for it (because there is literally one fic in this fandom and i Cannot Let That Stand)