#(but like its got a lotta queer mormon feels so)

[bitterwholesomegay]

sebastian brother + spirituality headcanons

otherwise known as: one queer exmormon has finally found their fandom niche

tw for descriptions of anxiety/panic attacks, depression, and church-related guilt (but also it’s not all sad, i swear)

(put under a cut bc this got LONG AS HELL)

sebastian brother, even after he’s well and thoroughly questioned the church and their stance on just about everything, doesn’t go looking into church history. autumn tells him where to find the deets on all the sketchy church history stuff, but sebastian...never looks it up.

he feels disillusioned enough as it is, and his family life Revolves around the church. he feels like if he questions the institution itself and not just his relationship to it, he might lose respect for the people he still cares a lot about—even if they’re not his biggest fans right now

even though several of his family members aren’t talking to him (might never talk to him again, as far as he knows), he refuses to become jaded towards them. lots of his friends he’s met through affirmation have distanced themselves from the families they were born into, and more than a few of them try not to care about those people anymore. sebastian totally sees why—kind of wishes he could join them in their not caring—but he can’t. he still cares about them deeply and is still, despite everything that’s happened, trying to think the best of them.

tanner tried to call them “a bunch of homophobic dickwads with all the critical thinking skills of a blind lemming” once, and sebastian fucking lost it. he Insisted they were still good people, and they’re just trying to act according to their moral compass (that happens to be externalized in the form of anything the church says, wHICH WE CAN ARGUE ABOUT LATER, TANNER. THE POINT IS THEY’RE JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT, FOLLOW THE PROPHET, AND HOLD TO THE IRON ROD.)

privately, he thinks about what tanner said a lot though. he wonders how much prejudice is blindly following the guidance of their leaders. he wonders if they would follow suit if the church made a 180° about-face on their views on homosexuality tomorrow. he wonders if they did if it would make him feel better or worse. on the one hand, it would mean none of this was personal. on the other hand, tanner’s point about lemmings...

sebastian brother doesn’t leave the church immediately. his existential crisis is long and drawn out and filled with guilt and shame—not just for being gay, but also for having a crisis of faith at all.

tanner really doesn’t get it and isn’t always the best at being supportive. gay aunt emily chews him out for it though. (“emily, I’M your nephew, shouldn’t you be giving sebastian the shovel talk, not me?” “nope. you need it more than him.”)

incidentally, gay aunt emily and sebastian end up becoming pretty good friends. she hasn’t engaged with church stuff in years, but someone has to be there for this poor gay mormon boy and if no one else is going to be, then So Help Her God-that-she-no-longer-believes-in, she will.

back to sebastian though

sebastian doesn’t stop going to church right away. he’s wracked with guilt every time he does go, and trying to figure out if he’s worthy of taking the sacrament when he’s sinning but has no intention of stopping is a nightmare, but he still goes.

the first time he goes and doesn’t take the sacrament, he ends up dry-heaving in the men’s room. he misses all of the talks and slinks back in and sits on the back pew during the last verse of the closing hymn. after the closing prayer, he gets up, grabs his scriptures from where he left them, and bolts. he doesn’t stay for the rest of the block.

the first general conference he doesn’t watch, he spends the whole weekend in bed crying. tanner tries to get him to go out with him and let himself have fun and be distracted, tries to get him to the kitchen to eat some soup when the going out plan clearly isn’t gonna happen, and then eventually brings the soup to him in bed. sebastian ignores tanner and his admittedly good-smelling soup, and tanner leaves it on his nightstand for when he’s ready for it.

after sebastian continues to not get out of bed for a week after, tanner convinces him to go see a therapist. tanner recognizes a depression spiral when he sees one, and while sebastian refused to admit it, church was giving him literal panic attacks.

sebastian gets into see a local counselor who specializes in the intersection of faith and LGBTQ identities.

his counselor helps him identify what he gets from church and what things he might be able to find at other non-mormon churches. he’s initially very resistant to the idea of investigating other churches, but one night when the guilt insomnia keeps him awake, he googles “lgbt-friendly churches near me”, and is on gaychurch.org until daylight starts creeping through his window.

while he’s not ready to go to a service anytime soon, he did make note of the ones that sounded interesting.

he thinks about the list he made often and several times he visits websites of some of the churches he found.

eventually he decides that he wants to visit one or two of the churches whose websites he keeps returning to.

when he tells this to tanner, he’s not expecting anything, but tanner immediately volunteers to go with him. sebastian hadn’t thought tanner would really want to, since he’s not really religious himself, but tanner insists, saying he wants to be there for moral support. sebastian is honestly really touched, and it means a lot that tanner would want to be there for him like that.

it takes him a couple sundays to build up to it, but when he finally does, he gets to the steps of the church, annnnnnnnnnnd nearly runs away. would have, if tanner didn’t stop him and talk him through his panic.

when they do go in, they sit unassumingly near the back, providing sebastian an easy exit, if he needs one.

it turns out that he doesn’t.

the sermon is about love—loving one another, god’s love for all his children, and how love should never be linked with shame. the minister makes mention of her wife, and sebastian cries. tanner looks a little worried, but sebastian makes no move for the door, so he assumes they were good tears, and keeps listening to the sermon.

afterwards, sebastian kind of wants to go thank the minister for what she said, but is also absolutely terrified of doing that, so he and tanner go home instead of staying to mingle.

after they get home, sebastian texts emily. she knew he was going to check out a new church today and asks him how it was. he talks about how he felt the spirit in a way that he hadn’t in a long time at church.

he doesn’t know what this means for a long time after. he goes to a couple different churches with tanner and texts emily about all of them. he goes back to the first one a few times. all he really knows is he feels god’s love more than he has in years.