blowingsoapbubbles

[blowingsoapbubbles]

What do you do when you want to climb out of your own skin

Today started out pretty great, actually. I woke up at 5 when my alarm went off and not only did I feel relatively rested, but I realized that the allegedly planned power outage didn't happen. So, my sleep never got interrupted, my fan never shut off and unrelated to the power but very related to my sleep quality, I didn't snap a post off of my dental appliance in my sleep.

I can feel myself clenching my teeth while I sleep some nights. Most nights, if I'm honest. Which is annoying as according to my out of network dentist, should not happen. This high tech, $4,000 piece of acrylic hand crafted for me specifically with state of the art lasers and 3D imaging, is supposed to prevent me from grinding and clenching at night, and help me breathe better.

It does help me breathe better, but I still clench and grind. And when I bring it up, it's explained to me that, "Well, in a perfect scenario, you wouldn't," as if that makes it okay that I spent a year paying it off and months getting adjusted to it only to learn that it isn't exactly what I was promised.

In any case, I didn't break a post off. So I do not have to glue it back together for the third time this week.

I woke up refreshed all things considered. I got out of bed, put in my contacts, dropped my dental appliance into the cleaning solution and followed the little entourage my cats do every single morning as they walk me to the food dish so I can fulfill my obligations as cat mom and feed them, for they have never ever been fed ever.

I got my energy drink, I took my meds, I checked my farm in Klondike and I reviewed what I had to get done today.

Wash the car, get chicken food, cut A's hair, put on her press on nails, meet with the pet sitter, take a 7a.m. conference call, write social media posts for my unpaid side hustle, fold laundry, etc. etc. etc.

I text my partner, tell him good morning and send videos of the cats. He'll see them eventually, I get up before he does.

Then the car. Easy, no problems, I love that car. Washed and half way waxed before I had to stop for the call.

Got on the call, simple. No one really wanted to talk so it was done and over in 20 minutes and we went back to the zero communication this job requires.

Go back to finish the car, get a good morning from my partner finally, text him back a few times, updating on the car progress, telling him I need to make a run into town to get chicken food, that I'm about to take a quick shower.

He replies with, "Can I call?"

I say sure, thinking I just needed the quickest rinse, I can hop in before he even sees this response and be practically done before he calls. And that's more or less true.

He calls and says, "Just wanted to tell you I love you, I can let you go if you're busy," and I reply that I am, but I always feel bad when someone acts like I said I was too busy to talk to them. I am busy, but I'm always busy, you asked if you could call, I said yes so clearly I'm not so busy I can't talk. Otherwise, I would have said that typically. So, I feel a little put out.

Does he not *want* to talk to me? Why would he set it up like that? So that I immediately have to like, reassure him I'm not too busy, even though by accepting the call, I did say that, didn't I?

---------------------------------------------------

We had a little disagreement the night before last, so small in fact that he didn't even realize I was upset. I tried to let it go, but upon reflection, I couldn't. I felt very disrespected when it happened and when I brought it up, it was brushed away.

I wanted to bring it up again, the next morning but swallowed that desire to be understood because he had a very important day ahead of him and I didn't want to trouble him with my feelings. So, I let it go, and tried to genuinely stop thinking about it and I think I did manage to do that. I felt okay, I thought, that was a silly thing to get so upset about, sure he brushed it off and that's actually what upsets me, because it's a pattern but like, I can learn to accept things and is it really worth a whole discussion and would I actually feel better if I brought it up again, in fact, I feel fine now so I should just drop it.

But, I wasn't fine and when he called me later that day, I felt really cheated out of being heard and understood, and since he was no longer doing the very important thing, I figured it was an okay time to bring it up. He had a long drive home, this was an ideal time to have what might be a little longer of a discussion.

Turns out, no and I was wrong and now I have to apologize for making him feel bad for feeling disrespected and I regret bringing it up and he "was just trying to help," but I never asked for help so now he, "will never try to help again, fine," which obviously wasn't what I wanted and now I've ruined the whole thing.

He tells me he's sorry, but he justifies what he did and I don't understand why I can't just express my hurt and be heard and understood, and he probably feels like no matter what he does it's never good enough. And now we're both sad again.

Again, I let it go, I shouldn't have brought it up, I'm the worst girlfriend ever and now I feel obligated to be extra sweet to make up for hurting my partner's feelings for not being grateful for his unsolicited help that didn't feel helpful in fact, made me feel like an outsider in my own romantic relationship. But, I should have just let it go, it wasn't that important.

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So, this morning, when he calls me, I'm sure I'm finally over the thing. But I'm not. He gives his opinion on something absolutely unimportant to our relationship but because it slightly pushes back on something I said 10 seconds ago, it feels like a personal attack and I'm immediately right back where I was last night where I'm wondering why on earth you're trying to justify the actions that caused me to feel insecure in this relationship and why do you always have to contradict every single thing I say, why do I constantly feel like I have to fight to be heard, why are you even taking the side of the thing that upset me...

and there it is.

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I don't know what happened to me when I was growing up that makes me feel like no one ever understands me and worse, never tries to understand me. I don't know what it was.

But I know it's making my adult life feel like I can't make any progress in my relationships and interactions with people.

I don't know if it's even me, but I sure as hell will feel the shame and guilt of causing harm, even if I didn't really do anything. Especially because I don't know if I did anything.

Am I too sensitive? Am I right? Did I express myself in a healthy and mature manner? Am I doing what I'm supposed to but I'm trying to do it with someone who is incapable of doing the same? Is it my job to help them learn? Why are they like that? Why do they meet me with shame and silence anytime I say, "That hurt my feelings, I wish you wouldn't do that," is it because I'm wrong?

I don't know.

But what I do know is I feel like I've worked so hard and done so much reflection, but the near constant feeling of never being truly understood makes me think I've done it all wrong and after all this work, will I ever do it right? Or am I doing it right with the wrong person? I do think I have "wrong people" in my life, but I don't think he is. Which leads me to ask myself, "what more can I do?"

Can I convince myself that I'm understood, even if it doesn't feel like it? Why is it even important?

I sometimes miss my walls. I miss the ability to shut people out and not care if they understood or not. That I could just be mean to people when they hurt me and never felt any obligation to express it in a vulnerable way with the goal of learning how to be with someone. I wasn't necessarily happier. But I felt like I at least understood myself.

[blowingsoapbubbles]

What's this??

I've had so many tumblr blogs over the years. Well, I think I've had less than ten. Maybe seven.

But I've had a few, and nearly all of them were full of texts posts, usually just what was on my mind. I'd get on my laptop or my phone and just write. I'd treat it like a diary I guess. I would write with abandon, to the extent that I'd get a note on it and have no recollection of even WRITING that post.

I think I got a lot out of it and I wish I'd never stopped doing it. I had a lot of friends. Which is one of the things I like most about tumblr. How easy it is to accumulate people to interact with in a way that feels much less compulsory and genuine.

Sure, I got my share of haters and trolls, but for the most part, it was just people who got along with me, and I got along with them. I even met one of my very best friends on tumblr, and we're still friends today.

I like coming here and just writing. It's a good warm up for the rest of the day, especially when I have to do some other kind of writing later. Like today, I need to write some IG posts for .. how would you describe it. A social group. That's also a business. We sell merch. Clothing. But we wanna branch out to other stuff.

We're also a camping group. And a collective of eclectic artists.

And I'm in charge of writing the cute little blurbs that go under all the posts. One because I am a fool who keeps signing up for that job and two because I am one of the better writers in my friend groups and always have been.

That's not to say I'm a professional or would win any contests or whatever, but I know I can get attention for the things I write. Someone once told me I understood the zeitgeist. Had a finger on the pulse of pop culture. I just "knew" what to write to hook people.

I think it's partially that, but also I make it a point to interact with those who interact with me. And I know how to use a gd page break.

Anyway, I think I've explained enough and I guess it's time to go do the thing I'm not paid to do, but expected to do nonetheless.

Take care!