bluesnsuch

[bluesnsuch]

Short vent: November 1, 4:18:20 PM 2019

I'll probably write something about the way this makes me feel like a poem or short form creative exercise but if I could be vulnerable for a second: I love Christmas and the holidays, I don't think there's a time of the year that makes me feel any more jovial and sentimental. Truth be told though, I'm having a harder time with it than I expected (what with work getting ready for December well ahead of time). I was married in December, when I think about it, there's a good deal of holiday and December memories I still remember vividly and it's nothing personal but I know at this point my wife thinks I'm no good and couldn't care less about what or how I'm doing more than a stranger on the street. In addition to that, this is my first Christmas since becoming separated. All of it hurts to be honest, I feel nothing but the need to just sit down and pop music on and smoke, maybe even considering if I should maybe work somewhere else cause I know the whole "holiday cheer" vibe will only get stronger. You envy some people at points at I think, I think what I envy the most is the ability to forget, let go, and toss away. I think I was most tired of feeling like I had something to overcompensate for when I was trying to be happy, what kind of schmuck is really going to have no complaints about something 100% if they're not secretly halfway trying to cover something else up? but I digress, it's not as if I've ever been that grand of an actor. I can't pretend to care, to love, maybe to a fault. Lord knows I wish everything I felt here was pretend for some reason.

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Annette Hanshaw - I’m Wasting My Love On You (1930) [Clarion 5101]

You might as well waste something, and it’s a hell of a lot more environmentally friendly to do it with love than with water.

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That’s the first thing i thought when I seen him. I thought, “Rose Lee, here’s a man you can open yourself up to and be filled to bursting!”

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The Color Purple (1985) dir. Steven Spielberg 

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love like you.

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“It ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”

— Rocky Balboa

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This was a masterpiece.

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“When wasn’t the first time I drank?”

@sixheartsaflame

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I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big, dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick — It even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh — Even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around. And the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you.  Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

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Say Anything (1989)

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The Graduate (1967) dir. Mike Nichols

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Yakuza + tumblr text posts

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TOWER // Aesthetics

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One minute.

A preface:

I don't think at this point in time, i am in any sort of danger. I think the worst emotion I feel on the regular is emotional pain, among other things perhaps but, I won't digress on that, no one likes a negative Nancy. Have I been close to killing myself? Going to go with a firm yes on this one. Have I done things I maybe shouldn't have? Also yes, however, my expression of it through an outlet of some kind, is the better way of letting loose this feeling I get sometimes. When my mind and all my insides sort of come together to put words to not what I'm thinking, but what I'm feeling, it's like a weight, and that tingling in my head has gone away. That in mind, I hope my candid nature of what I've gone through (and how I want to share it now) doesn't raise any red flags for anyone.

Blood, leaking out of me.

I breathe in, no words come out, I'm shaking.

The water in my eyes, I can barely even see.

Music playing, to drown out what I'm going through, but the bad feelings can't be cooled down, they're boiling.

I don't know how I am supposed to react, I trusted you and you broke me to pieces,

I trusted them too, and they rode that for all it was worth.

You reveal your truth to lift your guilt, to free me, knowing that in the process, all my deepest, worst habits may come off their leashes.

In this split second, of knowing you don't care about me, and that someone else I trusted has been pretending to, I doubt my place on this earth.

In that moment, I look for a way to escape, there's many routes, all too dark to say here

All I saw in a room meant to keep me safe, was rope, release, bliss, of death I for the first time had no fear.

It was like something I never could have ever imagined, who I was felt fake, unreal.

It's as if, the cuts, the Rips and tears were who I was, someone who wasn't okay. At that moment, it all felt like lies.

Up to this point, I was nothing but a stitched up man anyway, maybe I was just tired of no one seeing the marks, the scars I see everytime I close my eyes.

Maybe it was only a matter of time, before when I lost control I'd only cut hair, because what I saw in the mirror didn't seem right. Only this time, what I saw in the mirror didn't feel.

And there I am, alone, betrayed, and all the while, still somehow doing it all wrong.

Who is to blame me, for not wanting to make my life long?

This world, this life, it isn't my own, not the way I see it.

Only when I dream, am I somewhere better, somewhere nicer, somewhere fit.

In that dark moment, where I knew I had no one, I just wanted a place to dream, forever.

I'm so tired.....

Won't you dream with me again?

Won't you love me again?

Will you stop breaking my heart?

My eyes close, the tears stop, the blood dries.

Breathe in, breathe out.

I feel the air against my skin, chilling my face, stinging from all the marks, misshapen like strands of hair.

Life is good, but for one minute there was a doubt.

Life is beautiful, but for one minute, it all wasn't even there.

[bluesnsuch]

Also fuck procrastinating your homework or whatever, quit procrastinating watching this movie it's such a damn good use of your time.

Call Me By Your Name (2017) dir. Luca Guadagnino