boardbysara

[boardbysara]

I watched Harry Potter tonight.

I’ve been dying to watch Harry Potter for the longest time. I just didn’t because.. I didn’t own the movies. And finally I was able to stream them for a reasonable price tonight and after al of the harmful lies that I’ve believed as a child coming to the surface lately, all I wanted was a happy escape. Another world. Something that makes me feel no negativity at all. Only happy.

I almost cried.

It’s the same thing with my tiny house in the woods.

What I really want more than anything is to escape from this world.

Maybe I won’t feel that way as much when these lies don’t crush my soul so much now that I know about them. I’ll always have my sensitivity but maybe someday these lies and these wounds won’t crush my soul. I really hope so.

[boardbysara]

This world is too much for me.

[boardbysara]

I feel very disingenuous when I dress up.

[boardbysara]

[boardbysara]

It’s #fall ya’ll. https://www.instagram.com/p/CUPul0Prymn/?utm_medium=tumblr

[boardbysara]

God gave me a place that was more in the country like I wanted but he still made sure to make it less than 5 minutes from a Starbucks. That is how you KNOW it was from God. He hooks us up. That’s good lookin out. Thanks god.

[boardbysara]

It’s the quickest way to attract the right people to you and to repel the wrong ones. Trying to be what you *think* they want is just wasted time of disconnection.

[boardbysara]

Nothing is as serious as you think it is.

[boardbysara]

Thank you for the lessons

I am strengthened

And now I’m better and believing for my blessings.

[boardbysara]

Don’t give second chances to someone who made you their second choice.

[boardbysara]

Culture doesn’t have the answers.

[boardbysara]

Some of us are just trying to survive. Most of us, actually. And that’s okay. Don’t get lost in the self-help hype such that it makes you feel bad for not “thriving” when it is all you can do to just keep surviving.

Surviving is a success story too.

[boardbysara]

Today I listened to a podcast - which I rarely do - that talked about aspiring to big things and achieving big things - but how that can often be out of alignment with what we really want. What all humans really want is peace, love, joy, and freedom - this is stated by a sociologist with three degrees from Harvard based on what tons of people have stated to her as their core desires.

I used to want to achieve great things... but to be honest, now I do not care as much.

I really just want peace, love, joy, and freedom.

I relinquish the fight for what the world views as success.

Especially because if there’s anything the internet has taught me, it’s that one’s 15 minutes have become even more fleeting than they were before.

[boardbysara]

Alone.

Death.

Lover.

Alive.

The power of five letter words.

[boardbysara]

Over the course of the last few months, or really almost the bulk of the pandemic and my WFH life thus far, I’ve been going on online shopping binges.

I’ve been spending hundreds of dollars at these cheap stores overseas - the ones where you have to wait 2-3 weeks to get your package.

I’ve been designing my “post-pandemic” wardrobe, buying things I mostly imagined wearing when I was able to do social things outside of my house again. Work, church, meetups.

The problem is that there’s been a disconnect between what my brain is telling me I like, when I’m browsing the sites - and what I actually like. I realized this after the last two shipments in which I tried things on and immediately turned my nose up in disgust because it “wasn’t me.”

I think, instead, I was just buying what I liked from the selection of things I thought MEN - and the handyman - would like.

I was trying to be someone I’m not in hopes of having more luck attracting what I want - a man.

Now here’s the problem with THAT:

I lack self-confidence. True, authentic confidence.

These last two times I’ve dressed up in some of these new clothes and pairs of shoes, did my hair and make up, put on lashes -

I felt even more self-conscious.

They accentuated my lack of confidence.

What’s worse is that I was the most dressed-up person each place that I wore these outfits to.

And it’s not that I don’t like to dress up, it’s not that I don’t like heels, it’s not that I never wear makeup or put on lashes - these things are not foreign to me, I’ve been doing them since college (many moons ago now)!

It’s just that... when I do that on a “normal day” or for a “normal” occasion that doesn’t necessarily merit getting dressed up here in central North Carolina, I look out of place. And it makes me feel MORE awkward, MORE self-conscious which means I feel LESS confidence when the purpose of getting that dressed up in the first place is to feel MORE confident.

It’s not working. It’s backfiring.

And the truth is that at heart I AM casual.

Yes I like heels and lashes, but like everyone else, I’ve been living in leggings throughout the pandemic and my real style is actually like pretty damn basic. I do not like frills, I do not like flowers and other patterns. I am not really THAT much of a dress person.

At the heart of it? I’m a leggings and t-shirt person.

So today I am going to the post office to return $300 of clothing that A) wasn’t truly me and B) Didn’t fit (if you’re in the U.S., don’t bother ordering from Boohoo in the U.K. Their size conversions are HORRIBLE.)

And I’ve already placed two orders of replacement items that are going to be way, way better. T-shirts. Shorts. Sneakers. Sandals. Minimal tops. Casual t-shirt dresses. And one order is even coming from a store in the states so I won’t have to wait two weeks!

I’ve decided that I need to work more on my inner confidence and less on my wardrobe - and I’m going to go back to the clothes that feel the most comfy and the most authentic.

Whatever that means for my chances with men - screw it.

[boardbysara]

Everytime I come across a couple I haven’t seen or met before - whether on social media or real life - I immediately start a deep dive scroll (or non-creepy peeks in their direction if IRL) to try to get an answer to this one question:

Does he love her well?

Because a man who excels at loving a woman in a committed relationship, over the long term, is so - so - SO rare. In real life, on television, in my life.

So much so that I am desperate to find any evidence that true love, that a man who truly loves a woman passionately and devotedly years or decades into it truly exists.

I am desperate. To see it. To find it. To receive it.

[boardbysara]

The last 10-20 years

Remember a couple posts back where I said I'd been having this urge to clear all the clutter? I realize the last couple of months have really been a huge shift in my life that is clearing all the bondage and baggage of the last 10-20 years. Which means I'm coming into breakthrough and brand new. I can't wait.