bounduphound

[bounduphound]

last night Vash had a dream wolfwood died again. What does this mean

[bounduphound]

I will never kill myself but I do feel really really bad and unable to function properly, I think I finally know why but it’s a reason I don’t really think is okay to be so upset for so I’m going to deal with it on my own and become normal and locked in

[bounduphound]

I’m going to get through this somehow, I’m going to wear his sweater and come home from all the shit I have to do and lay in bed and cry until I feel okay again

[bounduphound]

im so fucking tired

[bounduphound]

I just want to lay in bed and cry forever I hate this i hate everything I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone because I have been a very very bad dog and I don’t deserve to live anymore

[bounduphound]

I am actually so exhausted and so fucking upset I can’t stop sobbing I don’t want to do any of the things I have to do I just want to die

[bounduphound]

I am thinking of killing myself

[bounduphound]

hi guys. i'm in a new relationship with someone who understands and values me. it feels really nice to be understood by someone who went through the same things. even though my ex fiancé went through the same/similar treatment they still didn't seem to understand why i'm the way i am. it feels really, really good to be with someone who cares for me and accepts me. we both know what it's like, we're both not human, and we're still okay. we curl up together, we pet each other, we are good to each other. i feel very loved and cared about with him. the more time i spend around him the more i realize my ex fiancé really just was not good at being understanding or accepting of the traits i had, even if they did the same things sometimes. i'm grateful to be so loved now.

also, i'm going to be a scare actor this october. i think it's going to be really good for me-- i've heard it's a great way to release years of built-up anger and pain. and i'll finally be in a place where i won't have to pretend to be human, and where my lack of humanity is actually an advantage. and i won't feel alone there, because everyone else doing the job is also meant to be scary. while i feel i've always been scary even when i don't want to be, i think doing some harmless but purposeful scaring will give me more of a feeling of control over the way i am.

i'm really excited about everything in my life. i'm doing really well, and i'm really happy. i thought i wouldn't ever be okay when my ex fiance left but i'm thriving now. i'm better than i've ever been. if nothing else, take this as a message of hope :o)

[bounduphound]

fiancé called off our engagement and I’m doing so fucking horriibly ive done nothing but cry for the past few days

[bounduphound]

today I will do human things like go to DOLLAR TREE and buy PRESS ON NAILS and get DOLLED UP and watch BAD TELEVISION and I will feel much better and more normal and everything will be fine

[bounduphound]

disregard! I was having a moment. they love me a lot!

I do not think my fiancé loves me anymore

[bounduphound]

I do not think my fiancé loves me anymore

[bounduphound]

i feel like this whenever i catch myself thinking nobody gets canine poetry like i do. i will be all sinister in a manner such as "ugh.. they do not understand..." and then i will think "ourgh i am being Yall Don't fw SpongeBob like Me... i must cease immediately..."

[bounduphound]

ugh even if i could tell people what happened (at least the part that's fucking me up so bad right now) they wouldn't believe me!!!! because every child 'acts like an animal' to some extent. they don't understand that i didn't just 'act like an animal,' i was, still am, and will always be a dog because i was raised that way. i barked and scratched and bit and ate food out of dumpsters and did tricks for food and ate dog food and slept on the floor and sat by her feet while she worked and she would pet me and tell me good dog and i was good dog!!! i used to be good dog but now i am old.

but yeah they do not understand i did not just play pretend and act like an animal i was genuinely treated like a dog and not allowed to view myself as human and it made me act very inappropriately and i STILL do not act right i still lay on the floor if i'm not given permission to sit at a desk or on a couch I STILL eat out of the garbage i still eat pet food i still whimper or growl or bark when i forget how people are supposed to react and go back to instincts because that's what i did first that's what i knew that's who i am and when i am alone and am sad i whimper when i am alone and scared or angry i bark and growl but i have to play pretend at being a person when i am outside

the trouble is i am very bad at pretending that. it is still glaringly obvious what i am. i'm far too old to reasonably sniff and lick objects that are presented to me or eat garbage or curl up in a corner on the floor. i will NEVER be able to even properly pretend to be a person. that's what they don't understand. i didn't grow up playing pretend as a dog, i grew up as a dog and had to learn how to pretend to be human

[bounduphound]

“Yeah I could totally pass as human” and then I eat out of the garbage and eat dog food and lay on the floor and whine when my mother stops petting me

[bounduphound]

i feel lonely and angry! am i destined to scare people forever i don't want to be a scary dog. i keep making people upset. i can't not make people upset it is in my nature i think. people i love are scared of me and cannot love me because i am a bad dog!!!!! and it is not fair because i am trying so hard to behave but it does not work and i make my loved ones scared and i can't just be a good dog like i want i want to be a good dog and lay down at their feet while they work i want to be a good dog and sleep at the foot of the bed i want to be good and play fetch and have treats but i can't because i keep biting without biting i don't mean to bite i'm sorry i'm making everyone so scared and they're going to leave me and get rid of me because i'm a bad dog and i know what happens to bad dogs and i was warned and i know i know i know and i'm sorry i dpon't want to be a bad dog i promise i'm not trying to be a bad dog

[bounduphound]

intro

sys vent sideblog that will most likely contain vents about epsilon programming specifically.

you can call me whatever you'd like

no idea what i'll post on here. could be anything.

transramcoa dni so hard if i catch you i'll chew you to bits

otherkin/therian/etc. please do not reblog my posts. my posts are not made for you. i have nothing against you but we are not at all the same.