boygirlnothing - Tumblr blog

[boygirlnothing]

i think my problem is im too poetic

a constant loop of wondering if my suffering is beautiful enough to warrant itself

and i am afraid of being a man for all i know is girlhood and the suffering and the connection

united in our fear and love for men

but i am afraid of being a woman

mostly because i fear men.

i write my words with lace and ink reaching out to those who hold hands in bathrooms and catch each others tears in cottonbuds

i envy you if you have never experienced girlhood

you have never lost anything

for you had nothing to loose.

[boygirlnothing]

"but i hate kids"

"you used to be one yourself"

[boygirlnothing]

it is disgusting

the way you think you can listen to those songs

hear those words

drink in melodies

of all the things i used to get away from you

you twisted the narrative to support you escaping me

escape being tied down

and of course its my fault

a mans acusing finger will always find me

but dont you dare listen to my songs.

[boygirlnothing]

too much.

im not pretty enough for you to kiss me

my lips are chapped and i cant speak right

all my words and sharp they cut my tongue

ill bleed on you.

im lopsided i droop to the left

im clumsy when i put my hands on you

it must feel like sandpaper

i was always too harsh

ill hit you with my teeth and shatter you like fine china trying to fill my mouth with you as a scramble for some sense of affection i have had so cruelly tarnished and taken from me

i will leave you with claw shaped scars and deep wounds i will not let you go

there is blood pouring from my mouth

i dont taste right

i could never believe you would want to kiss me

and if you do it

it will be out of pity

out of me begging and whining and tearing chunks out of myself till i am small enough for you to swallow and even then you will gag on me

i taste wrong.

i was not made for this.

[boygirlnothing]

the child's diary.

the door is heavy for my little hands

I'm warm and i cant quite see out the windows yet but its ok

the dog makes pitter patter sounds with her claws on the floor

im learning how to use the mp3 player mum got me

i reach up to doorhandles and the good snacks are out of reach

but its ok

i can reach the doorhandles pretty well. they are cold.

i can watch dad in the garden from the window just about.

if im on my tippy toes.

i started getting embarrassed when mum finds me dancing in my room

she doesn't seem to mind but i think i care more now

the cat was outside when we came home today, i dont know why she was so far from home but shes inside now so its ok

the dog plays with me less but i have toy cars and my brothers play with me

i still cant reach the good snacks

the kids at school aren't nice. i stopped dancing.

i dont understand where the cat went

i must be cold outside, i hope shes ok

mum days the dog is wetting the bed, but why is she crying about it?

there are seagulls in the backyard sometimes, dad tells us all to run over when they are here

i forget the beach is close

the dog likes the beach

mum gets the good snacks down for me after school

mums new car doesn't smell the same as the old one

the cat didn't come home. i miss her. i hope she comes home. its too cold out there for cats and theres so many cars. im worried about her.

the dog isn't greeting dad at the door when he gets home very well anymore

i still love when he gets home

hes stinky from work but its ok

i missed him

i dont think the others at school like me very much, im not very good at volleyball that must be why

im practising

i miss dancing

my friends think im weird too

i keep thinking trying to figure out why

i miss when i didn't mind

i miss my cat

the dog cant jump up on the bed anymore

shes getting old.

mum and dad scream at each other all the time

the must hate each other

i wonder if its my fault

i dont understand it.

the dog went to sleep the other day. i understand this time. i understand the cat now too. i am so sad. i miss them both so much. no one went to school or work. the house is so quiet.

the spot by the cupboard where the floor gets warm is empty.

mum comes home crying. dad keeps trying to make her feel better by hugging her but she yells at him.

i know someone made her really upset. the kids in my class do that to me too. they dont like my braces or my grown out bangs. mum doesn't have either of those things, shes so pretty. why would anyone be mean to her?

mum says we are moving to Cranbourne. i don't know where that is.

i miss my dog.

my bed is cold.

its been a while. the move-out and move-in got mixed up and we had to live out of my aunt's garage for a few weeks.

i miss having a house.

mum and dad dont say they love each other anymore.

i wonder if they still love me.

my aunts puppy got hit by a car.

why does everything die.

i miss my house. i miss the round window and hiding under the stairs.

i go shopping by myself now. the clothes i got are nice. i like black skirts.

kids tell me they are too small for me, but the tag is the same as my age so it should be ok.

the new house is ok. the floor is cold and hard. my room is much smaller.

my new friends at school told me the clothes i got will look better if i eat less. that seems like it'll work. i want them to like me here, i dont want them to be like the kids at my other school. i want to be pretty.

i told them about my favourite music, but they didn't like it.

i think I'll stop packing lunch.

i dont miss my old school.

the new medication i got from the doctor makes me less hungry and so so tired but i can do all my schoolwork without getting distracted by books.

i dont really like reading anymore.

but im so tired.

i miss eating.

my friends said i looked pretty though.

the boys give me attention.

they said writing is nerdy snd cringe.

i dont want them to think im weird again.

why is everything to important to me.

i want to hide under the stairs in my old house.

i miss my old house.

i miss my dad.

he left.

i miss my old house.

i miss dancing.

[boygirlnothing]

i keep looking for one thing to be really sad about so the fact that im just a little bit sad about everything hurts less

if only i could concentrate it

focus it

then it would be easier to manage

i keep carrying everything around like im fine but

really

im about to drop everything

[boygirlnothing]

i sort of thought my face would change

maybe id get to look older

maybe a kinder smile

stronger cheekbones

maybe id look stronger

to reflect how much it took from me to get here

to get through it

but i look at myself and i am reminded that the most beautiful thing about the past is also the most painful -

it is always with you and it will never change.

to see in my reflection my entire history is haunting

a muddled and fucked up mosaic of everything ive done every person ive been every place ive lived every pair of lips ive kissed every street ive walked down every smile ive bared my teeth for

it hurts

i sort of thought id look different by now

all that change,

and none of it particularly where i want it.