brainmachinebroken

[brainmachinebroken]

rage rage rage so much rage

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FUCK my roommate. Friends my ass I can’t wait to get away from them.

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it's me and my fear of abandonment against the world

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My roommate just told me she doesn’t want to live together anymore because of my mental health 🙃. Important info I don’t really talk to her about my mental health unless it’s something that will effect her, I’ve never been a danger to myself while living with her and I don’t ask for support. For gods sake she’s only seen me cry once for like 2 minutes after getting burned. She said she’s just worried that I’m going to do something to myself all the time. I’ve never given her reason to believe that. This is such bullshit. I knew I shouldn’t have told her my diagnosis. Fuck schizophrenia fuck bipolar fuck that not only do I have to struggle everyday I have to lose people because they’re scared of me. I’m tired of being too much no matter what

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via @swatercolor [insta]

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hey sorry it's just that i don't think i'm very good at being a person. thanks for letting me try with you, anyway.

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too scared to post on main .

ignore this maybe

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I had to do php for 3 weeks which really helped but now I’m back to taking copious amounts of medication and trying to transition back to work is not going well. I was supposed to go to the office today and the anxiety about it made it where I didn’t even get out of bed. Why am I taking 14 pills a day and still becoming paralyzed at the thought of being in public.

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thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

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Playing the keyboard sucked the demons out of me. Now I’m so tired I could sleep for a week.

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Oh boy I forgot I had a meeting at 4. I have done 5 shots of rum. I sincerely hope I don’t have to talk

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It’s a work day and I’m in bed doing shots so it’s safe to stay my mental state is really good rn.

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I am crashing and burning at an alarming speed

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in a mood. don't know which one yet tho

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id be unstoppable if it wasn't for the evil brain disorder