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[breakdownbreakthrough]

But HOW?

Quote by Reyna Biddy (@reynabiddy)

[breakdownbreakthrough]

This was a tough weekend made tougher, right at the bitter end, with news that officially closed a door I’ve always had propped open.

I hate that I have to stay alive for other people.

[breakdownbreakthrough]

I’m a prisoner in my own home.

Past 8p.m., I can’t do a single thing right.

[breakdownbreakthrough]

I want someone to pick me over alcohol. Just once. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

[breakdownbreakthrough]

i am so alone in my relationship. he keeps promising to work on the addiction. to alcohol. to stimulants. to god knows what else.

and then everything stays the same and i’m expected to s m i l e and accept it because “he’s trying” and “he won’t always be this way.”

i have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven some more over the past 6 months and yet, every night, every single night after 7 o’clock, i’m always the bad guy. things are my fault, ah, yes, this is fimiliar.

i’m an easy target. always have been. 26 years of being a walking punching bag for the addicts in my life. my mom “pays the bills” so she is allowed to drink whatever and whenever she wants. she pays the bills so it’s okay if i will forever have these emotional scars.

and, it seems, i will forever choose to keep loving a d d i c t s.

i take it and i tell myself to take it because i can handle it because i’ve handled it before and maybe i was put on earth to serve others and maybe my existence wasn’t meant to be for me but for others and then maybe i d e s e r v e this treatment and their behaviors and their cruel words and their deflections and their justifications and their victim victim victim lives that i am over and over asked to accept and to smile politely like it isn’t silently killing me every. single. second.

still, 26 years later, i still allow the power of their passive aggressive manipulation to bulldoze my well-being. i tell myself i’m ok, to let them get this off their chests because they’re hurting and you’re ok and you’ll keep being ok because that’s you.

and maybe… i’m not anymore. maybe this is the beginning of the end of my “ok keep abusing me because you’re an addict and that’s ok because i’m ok and you’re working on it and one day this isn’t how it will be.” then again, maybe i have abandonment issues because i’m the walking Laundry List and a textbook ACOA and maybe that means, actually definitely means, i have forgiven e v e r y person to e v e r hurt me and to think that that’s going to change is a fcking joke.

yeah, still alone. it’s ok. i’m ok.