breakfastafternoon-blog

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The Longest Days

Some days I feel like shit.

Some days I just wanna quit.

Some days I want go home to lie down for a bit.

And there are days when I can’t speak.

And there are days when I’m too tired to smile.

These days I just want to eat.

These days I leave my clothes on the floor in a pile.

Days aren’t always the same, so sometimes its ok.

Work was longer than I expected today. But some days work is great and some days work is work. Whichever day it is, I still get paid :)

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I feel tired. Its 5:30am and I usually sleep around 11pm. But on the days where there is a lot of work for me to do, I can't sleep. Insomnia takes me over. If I were to sleep, the time spent sleeping would be lost. But I also know that I wouldn't be able to produce quality work either. I know I should sleep but I don't want to lose this time I can't get back.

I obsess over time so much that I fear losing it. But even as I agonize over time ticking, I realize that I am wasting even more time. I should go to bed. But what if I don't even wake up later. What if I fall into an eternal sleep and never wake up?

I have thinking about it. These thoughts make me sad and keep me up at night.

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I never liked sleeping in the heat. I remembered being bothered by it as a kid. Maybe I'm just not tired enough for my body to ignore it so I can go to sleep. Instead I'll read a book and see where it takes me.

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I was playing with a boomerang earlier this afternoon. Some throws sent the boomerang out in a straight line, others looked like they were coming back but failed to return. I'm not sure how legit this boomerang is but I think the wind must have had some sort of impact on the boomerang's trajectory. It's possible that I might have been throwing it incorrectly.

When I walked over to pick up my last failed attempt, I notice a man with a women trailing behind him walking towards my direction. I was first attracted by the female's curvy figure but I limit the amount of time I can inspect her to a few seconds because its not always polite to stare. When they got closer, I realized that she was distress about something. She yells for help. She desperately asked us to stop the man, claiming that he was going to hurt himself.

Why does he want to hurt himself? What should I even do? If he is planning on hurting himself, should I physically restrain him? At the same time he could hurt me if I try to do anything.

In between her sobs, she tries to explain the situation. I feel bad for not doing anything so I walk along with them. She is on the phone with the police so I decide to follow them just to make sure nothing bad happens. The next minute a police car zooms onto the grass to mediate the situation.

I felt relieve at that point. The police were now there. I told myself that they would handle it and there was nothing more I could do to help the situation.

Immediately I thought back to the recent shooting in SB. The police were supposed to have taken care of the shooter, visiting him the week or two prior to the shooting. So just because the police were there, it didn't mean that the problem was resolved.

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WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Anywhere as long as I'm in the company of my friends.

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Pollo’s first words. Always a cherished memory.

DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DAH DUN DUN DUN DUN DA DUN DUN DUN

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Ignorance is bliss. But to be reflective is not so bad.

I hate it when someone says something to you and it bothers/upsets you and you just can’t get it off your mind. It echoes and replays over and over and just continues to make you feel worse.

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I tell myself over and over again to flow like water. To be formless and fluid. To let me slip into the shape of my surroundings. To take things as they come and as they go.

It’s not commitment that I’m afraid of. No, not at all. I know that I could easily commit to someone. What scares me is that the other person will not commit. What scares me is that I’ll put all I have to give into someone who does not deserve it. What scares me is that I’ll finally show someone the deepest parts of me and they’ll fucking leave. I’m not afraid of committing, I’m afraid of not being committed to.

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Silence is rather beautiful at times. It says it all without the effort of breathing out even one word.

(via nostalgicjoy)

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I heard an internal click and the screen turned pitch black, the fan stopped running. And all I heard was silence. And all I felt was the heat fade from the metal. Like a flick of a switch, my laptop died. And in the morning, it felt as cold as ice.

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For the past few years I've been itching to treat myself to a pair of True Religion. The perfect pair would be a faded blue color almost as bright as a clear sky. I am a fan of 511's so they would also be skin tight or at least taper down to the ankles so that my shoes are emphasized. Zipper not button fly and medium not small horse shoes.

But where does this desire stem from; do I really need a pair of $200 jeans? But instead of asking myself these questions, I instead imagine how great it would feel to walk around in one.

Over time, the denim would fade and it would be marked by scrapes and stains. But that's the beauty of denim. That's where clothes get their true character from. Who wants a new pair of jeans to wear everyday? You'd be wearing the same pair as the other guy who also has a new pair.

Anyone can buy a new shiny raw piece of denim, anyone can purchase a vintage jacket or shirt. Your clothing's character is earned through everyday wear and tear. It's not something that you can replicate from a sewing machine.

At the same time, if clothing makes you happy and if clothing makes you feel your best then what's the difference. I used to think that you should be able to feel your best without the need for materialistic things. But then life's too short to judge other people for the things they spend their money on. We don't know how they feel; we don't know how we would react if we were in their shoes.

The only thing I ask is that I don't get judged in return.

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Gained some great insight at yesterday's Tech Talk.

In a very early stage start up, and especially the specific role I have now, it is extremely important to aim for the low hanging fruits. This way, while I am working on a larger project, I'll have something to show in the meantime.

Opportunity cost is a real life concept and not just a term used in economics. It's a good rule of thumb to do a cost-benefit analysis on the different projects in the works because sometimes you may find that it actually won't have the profound effect you imagine. But I understand that its hard to walk away from something after you've already dedicated time to it.

Sunk costs; a classic example is when you're waiting in line at Safeway but the other line starts to move a lot faster. Do you stand your ground? After all, you've been waiting in line for a while now. You look at the cashier and see him doubled over the register. The guy should be retired by now. You see that the other register is replaced with a much more lively cashier. Changing directions becomes even harder as we pour more effort into our projects. Maybe a bottle of Jack will help you ease your transition.

Finally, building a foundation of knowledge and flow is ever important. Something along the lines of a whiteboard or cartoon sticky notes are needed whenever you plan a project in order to visualize and understand the problem being solved. But you can't do it alone. Bouncing ideas off other people and discussing everyone's thought process is equally important.

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My fellow interns are doing some great work. Can't help but feel like I'm holding the team back.

But I'm a competitive guy. It's hard for me to sit back and watch these guys get all the glory. I know that success doesn't come in a blink of an eye. I know that it takes time and dedication.

Lately I've been having more good days than bad days. Been going to bed earlier and getting out of bed earlier.

Currently crossing my fingers to wake up 30 minutes earlier than usual tomorrow morning!

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Ebb & Flow

Felt great yesterday. I feel different today. Be more productive.

My sense of accomplishment is based on the number of things I submit.

I should have myself submit or complete one small task at the start of the work day and used the rest of the day for a bigger project.

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New Interns!

We just picked up an additional intern, he's a real stand up guy.

And then we picked up two more.

The help is welcomed. Boss man has been putting a lot of weight on my shoulders. It's nice for there to be people to help carry the load!

Maybe I can order them around. Make them get me coffee or toast.

That's what interns are for right? What's that? Oh that's right, I'm an intern too. No your right, I don't drink coffee either.

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New Office!

The library had nice study rooms but the vibe was off. No windows or natural light. I really liked the whiteboards though. It's nice to stand up and feel important as you write things on the board.

The coffee shop was also cool. I've never used cafe as a place to do work but it had nice energy and the food was tasty.

Shout out to the Coffee Bar in SF and the club sandwich I had there <3

We used Pivotdesk.com to get a nice shared space so that we'd have an excuse to come to the city twice a week. I wasn't feeling too optimistic about the idea of working at a desk of some other company's office. How would the vibe be any better than the library dungeon?

We had a trial run and it was great. The people are so nice and they let us use their stuff too *_* (was that a juicer I saw?).

Boss man likes so we stay. Hey, there's a ping pong table here too!