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Recovery is not some pill that you take & magically things get better.

Your traumas, understandably, have over-activated your body’s survival system, and the ONLY ANSWER IS FOR YOU to re-calibrate them: all those hormones involved in depression & anxiety.

You don’t need to wait for a therapist.

You do need to start it when stress is low.

Keep reading

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DBT Self-Help Resources: Emotions List

Using an Emotions List to help Label an Emotion

Women who can name their emotions are more capable of managing them, so it is important to become more familiar with your emotions and learn to identify them.

Once you are more capable of naming your emotions, you’ll have more choices in terms of what to do with an emotion if it makes you feel uncomfortable and you would prefer to at least reduce its intensity. 

Many people with emotion dysregulation grow up without learning this important information, so for some people it takes a lot of time to get the hang of naming their emotions. Be patient. 

Keep reading

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WHAT IS GROUNDING?

Grounding is a set of simple strategies to  detach from emotional pain for example (cravings, self harm urges, emotional eating behaviour etc.) Grounding can also be a way of returning your attention to the outside world and away from yourself. In the case of dissociation.

WHY PRACTICE GROUNDING TECHNIQUES?

When you are overwhelmed with emotional pain, you need a way to detach so that you can gain control over your feelings and stay safe. As long as you are grounding, you are more likely to be able to overcome urges. Grounding ‘anchors’ you to reality.

Many people with PTSD and dissociative disorders struggle with either feeling too much (overwhelming emotions and memories) or too little (numbing and dissociation). In grounding, you attain balance between the two—conscious of reality and ability to tolerate it.

GUIDELINES:

Grounding can be done any time, anywhere and no one has to know.

Use grounding when you are: faced with a trigger, having a flashback or dissociating.

Keep your eyes open, look around the room, and make sure the light is good to stay in touch with the present.

Rate your mood before and after to test whether it worked. Before grounding, rate your level of

emotional pain, or your level of dissociation. Then re-rate it afterwards. Has it gone down?

Try not to make judgements or think negatively. The idea is to distract from the negatives.

Stay neutral—no judgments of good or bad.

Focus on the present, not the past or future.

Grounding is much more active than relaxation exercises and focuses your attention.

Grounding is deemed to be a better way of coping with PTSD and dissociative disorders than relaxation practice. As during relaxation the focus is too much within the body, which at the worst may bring on flashbacks.

Keep reading

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Changing The Way We Talk About Suicide

As a disclaimer, I’d like to place a trigger warning here for those effected by suicide, depression or general mental health issues as the below topic could be upsetting; please read ahead with caution. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, I urge you to please contact the Samartians (UK) through telephone at 116 123 or via e-mail at  jo@samaritans.org. For those in the U.S.A, please reach out to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at  1-800-273-8255 or access the free chat through here.

In light of the death of Chester Bennington, we need to talk about the way suicide is spoken about. Throughout this article you will notice how I refuse to use the terms “took their own life” or “killed themselves” as I believe this is part of the problem in which suicide is viewed and talked about. Chester lost a dear friend less than two months ago, the front man for Soundgarden ‘Chris Cornell’, and it’s with great sadness to say that yesterday would of been his 53rd Birthday. Cornell was a talented soul who also lost his life to suicide, the bond between the pair was unbreakable and I can only imagine the loss which Chester had felt. Those who have suffered a loss often find dates and anniversaries particularly distressing, and for those already struggling with mental health can be a catalyst to trigger severe intrusive thoughts and actions. I’ve seen many, many posts via twitter and various social media outlets stating that suicide is ‘selfish’. There are two reasons why I can see why this might be thought of; disbelief that the victim has passed away or arrogance to mental health issues.

Grief is a hard thing for humans to process.  According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross there are five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial, because the loss is so unthinkable, we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone - angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We offer everything we have. We offer up our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we have done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance. As human beings, we are hard wired to want definitive answers. Natural causes of death can arguably be more accepting to deal with as there is a tangible scientific answer; the body has failed in some way, the person passed of old age; but when the cause of death becomes at the hand of a person there is a need for blame. This is why I personally believe that others find the topic of suicide hard to discuss and the event even more difficult to process. Loved ones of the deceased can find themselves scrambling for answers, trying to understand the process leading up to their death. There is a lot of questioning as to why and unfortunately those initial questions point towards “why did they do this when they had a loving spouse, friends, children”, “why would someone waste their life that way”, “how could they do that to their loved ones”. These types of questions closely link in to my second theory as to why blame is appointed to the victim; lack of understanding in mental health. It is only through moving forward into acceptance that we can begin to let go on the blame attached to this.

As someone with personal experience of losing a loved one to suicide, I can understand why blame would be easier to place. When one finds out that someone close to them has lost their lives this way, a lot of questioning takes place. We ask ourselves if we could of done more, try to look back on any signs we may of missed, looking for the moment when we could of saved them. Blame is taken upon ourselves, we feel at fault for letting them go. We grieve for not being able to speak one last word to them. We’re angry; angry at ourselves, angry at society, angry at them. We wish we could see them again just for a moment, playing over and over again in our minds a scenario in which we could of said our goodbyes or been there to support them further. Until we accept, but acceptance isn’t a stage many people make it to. The loss can be so catastrophic that we stay in denial for a long period of time, many people can’t let go and stay in depression without ever making it to acceptance. We may be able to know that the person is no longer with us, but we cannot accept why this has happened.

Depression is hard on those on the outside, but it’s even harder on those experiencing it. The truth of it is  you could have a loving family, a great network of friends, a fulfilling career, but depression will always tell you that you are not good enough, it will tell you again and again that those who you love so dearly would be better off without you, depression will batter you down; it strips you down to your very core and there is only so many times the shell can be rebuilt. Any fan of Linkin Park will know from their lyrics that there has been a life time of deep, harrowing suffering. Chester himself has also battled with drug and alcohol addictions throughout his lifetime, which is another common factor in those which die by suicide. Here was a man who fought his demons his entire life and I applaud him for using his suffering to create beautiful art which so many fans have been touched by and can relate to. It came to a great shock to see this news. Instantly my first thought was sadness that another great life had been taken.

It was through reading articles, status’s and twitter updates which I’ve seen the term “killed himself“ and “committed suicide” so easily thrown around. Someone has recently taught me how important language is, and I cannot express enough how deeply troublesome this terminology is. Whilst saying the person has taken their life, it depicts that the victim made a sole decision to die. This cannot be further from the truth. Depression is a long term illness which many people battle for their entire lives, it is an illness which plants ideas firmly within the brain, it changes how our neurotransmitters are wired, it can permanently lower serotonin even with medication, even neuroplastisity cannot always be shaped back to optimum levels. There are many factors which play in to why we are depressed, but the effects can be life long. Through listening to Chester’s work over the years, it is clear that he has struggled with severe depression and addiction throughout his adult life. Many people cannot find a definitive answer as to why his life has ended, therefore blame is placed upon the victim themselves. The truth of the matter is, these victims have died by suicide, they have lost their lives to depression, the fight against mental health has been lost. This does not mean the victim chose to end it themselves, this means that the illness became so debilitating, that there was no other option rather than to turn to a last resort.

I will always stand by the fact that those who have lost their lives to suicide are not to blame, I will never use terms which would place blame upon them. Instead, I shall mourn the tragic loss of another beautiful life taken too soon to mental health illness. I will push for more research in to psychiatric disorders, I will advocate for those who cannot speak for themselves, I will openly discuss this issues to raise awareness; I will fight to support those who are grieving. There is no blame here, only grief.

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Sorry but, your catcalling is not a compliment.

I need to stand on my soap box about something that happened today.

It takes a lot of effort for me to go out into town, a lot of time before and after is spent resting in preparation and much anxiety is involved by going out alone in public places now. Today, that was made much worse as I am given an often overlooked but upsetting reason as for why going out alone as a female prompts more concern; catcalling. Within the 1.5 hours I was walking through town, two men beeped their horn to catch my attention which was then following with whistling through the window as I didn’t respond and the second involved being followed between two shops by an old man who was trying to ‘chat me up’; regardless of my polite smile and clear body language that I was not interested. As someone who has suffered at the hands of abuse, bullying and both physical and verbal torment from males; it was terrifying.

I can guess what you’re thinking... “they only meant it as a compliment”, “you should be happy someone found you attractive”, “why would you be scared? no one would do anything in public!”. Wrong. When you are catcalled or receive any unwanted comments about your appearance, it is an unpleasant reminder that your body is viewed as public property. Actions like these take our bodies, our lives, and reinforce Women that we exist only to be visually appealing and it teaches us from a young age that our self esteem can only come by those that find us attractive. It isn’t just situations like this which reinforce this idea, comments regarding ones weight changes (often loss) or surgical alterations to our bodies also do this. How many times do we hear that we will feel better about ourselves once we change our appearance to fit societies social standard? Unfortunately, this is false. As long as approval from others reinforces self esteem, we end up on an endless cycle of trying to achieve perfection which is reinforced by others opinions.

Catcalling does just this. As a teenager, I would’ve on occasion taken this as a compliment. Now looking back, I can see how utterly wrong I was to take my worth as a person based on an inappropriate, backhanded comment from another person. This kind of behavior told me, and does with many other women, that in order to gain self esteem we must receive sexual approval from another person. I wish I knew then what I know now, because it has had a detrimental effect on my confidence as a person. The truth of the matter is, being catcalled is scary; but what’s even scarier is that men are raised to believe that women need their approval of appearance in order to be deemed as desirable. It’s this exact behavior which perpetuates the belief that our self esteem is based solely on how we look and that is damaging.

This morning, I was scared. This wasn’t the only time. If you were to ask me, and many other women, how many times similar events have happened to them within the past 12 months, I bet they couldn’t tell you; either because it has happened too many times to count, because it has become such normal behavior that it becomes easily forgotten, or they are not what society deems as the ideal. All of these reasons are problematic. Since I was a teenager, many events have triggered an increase in fear of my body being made a mockery of OR having derogatory sexual comments and actions being taken towards me. There have been times where catcallers have called me a “bitch”, “whore”, “ungrateful slut”, “fat”, because I wasn’t grateful for their words. It’s terrifying how quickly someone can go from passing sexual comments on to you- to insulting you if you do not chase after them and give thanks for their words. I’ve had horns beeped, body builders shouting from the scaffolding, car windows rolled down to whistle and shout elude comments as they pass by in their vehicle, not to mention those who took it upon themselves to reinforce it physically; I’ve had my ass grabbed walking down the street, one male with his group of friends grabbed me and shoved his tongue down my throat abruptly as I was leaving a cafe, the list goes on. These are not isolated incidents. Upon reading “The Everyday Sexism Project”, I became aware of how much of an issue this was and both appalled and saddened that many, many women have similar experiences on an almost daily basis.

I ask you this; how many times have you walked home alone at night, looking over your shoulder? How many evenings have you spent gripping your car keys between your fingertips in fear? The last time you were insulted for not accepting a drink at the bar, or called a tease for being disinterested? How often do you worry about being given sexually inappropriate comments for wearing a dress or a swimsuit at the beach? I cannot count the days in which I had to walk home the longer way around, avoiding the main road, because every trip either to or from town resorted in inappropriate sexual comments from car windows. It’s for these reasons and many more which women feel afraid in public spaces.

I have grown tired of having this debate with others which often results in comments such as “ignoring my comment hurts my feelings”, “we’re just trying to tell you you’re fit and you’re being ungrateful”, “but men feel afraid going out sometimes too.” Okay, maybe there are situations in which cis men feel uncomfortable going to certain places. But I can bet your bottom dollar that you don’t feel afraid by merely stepping outside your own front door. If you feel the need to catcall someone, ask the real reason why you’re doing so and what the repercussions of your actions will be. Do these people honestly expect us to run down the street after them, thanking them for their approval and begging them to take us back to their bedroom?

Another thing which bothered me about this incident today; what about my appearance makes you suddenly presume that I would be heterosexual, and what makes the notion that I might not be even more appealing? There have been several occasions where myself and other non-heterosexual women have been deemed “a challenge” due to our sexual orientation. The very notion that I would be in a relationship with a member of the same sex but could be ‘turned’ or ‘persuaded’ by a male isn’t a new concept. Many members of the LGBTQI* community have experienced very similar experiences, which makes it even more abhorrent. There have been times, more frequently than should, over the years since coming out that I have expressed interest in another woman or been in a relationship; a man has hit on me and upon telling them that I am with someone of the same sex, their response has been derogatory and is usually met with “haha, can I watch/join in?”, “It’s okay, I’ll get you back in to men”, “You haven’t been with me yet”, “ahhh, can’t get dick anymore?” and the old classic of being called a “tease” or better yet, a “liar.” These are all experiences from myself and many others; I’m quite frankly fed up of being spoken to this way. No, I am not heterosexual and no, I am not interested.

I’m tired of being afraid to go out alone, day or not. I’m sick of being worried about whether my dress is ‘too short’ or my top is ‘too revealing’ enough to receive sexual comments from others in the midst of summer. I’m fed up of making myself smaller for the sake of others. I’m tired of worrying whether my clothes make my body look undesirable due to my shape. I’m sick of being afraid of being in public space. I’m fed up of men thinking it’s appropriate to make my body their property. I’m reclaiming my identity, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t continue to live in fear.

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Practical Advice for Partners of a Person with Disordered Eating… By Someone Who’s Been There

We face many personal challenges when we live or work with an individual experiencing disordered eating, as does the person herself.  This article has three separate pieces offering strategies for self-development and coping with the situation.  As always with personal growth, we can learn from the strategies that others employ.  Each of the articles may offer strategies for family members, friends and an individual suffering from disordered eating.  We offer them to you in the hope that they will stimulate you to find additional paths to self-help and support of others.

Practical Advice for Partners of a Person with Disordered Eating… By Someone Who’s Been There

Adapted from an article by Steve Watson, Body-Pride May/June 1993 Steve lives with his partner who is recovering from bulimia.

Recovery from disordered eating can be a difficult process; a long, tedious and frustrating process.  And I wasn’t even the one suffering.  I would like to share with you some of the things which I have learned (many by trial and error) which have eased the pain for both of us.

Patience…  Don’t expect the problems associated with an eating disorder to go away immediately, even if she is in recovery.  She will experience setbacks along the way and this is normal.  Try to be patient; this will ease your frustration at not being able to change things for her.  Even setbacks can be used to illustrate her progress, e.g.: she may not be returning to her worst symptoms, or remind her that she has developed new tools to deal constructively with the setback.  By remaining calm, she’ll be able to draw from your tranquility.

Hugs…  I found that touching is an important healing tool.  Ask her if it’s okay to hug her.  When the sufferer cannot communicate her feelings or when the person trying to help cannot think of anything to say, a warm, gentle embrace can bridge the wordless canyon and show that you care.

Communication…  Try to focus conversations on her emotions, not her behaviours.  While she may not always be able to articulate her feelings, the more they are exposed, the sooner the real problems can be dealt with.  Don’t push her, but, don’t neglect your own feelings.  Share what you are experiencing and be honest.  Let her know that you may not know what to do, but that you’re there for her.

Educate yourself…  Do some research so that you can better understand the issues surrounding eating disorders.  There are a number of good books and films available in your local library which can help shed some light on the topic.  Contact NEDIC for down-to-earth, practical information and references.  Attend any forums or panel discussions on eating disorders, body-image and weight preoccupation.  Finally, you may gain some insight by speaking with others who can relate to your personal situation.  Support groups provide a friendly environment where you can openly express your opinions and receive others.

Be sensitive and understanding…  Although it is important to express your own frustrations, it is important not to direct anger or criticism about her symptoms at a person suffering from an eating disorder.  She is already judgmental of herself and she doesn’t need someone reinforcing those negative voices.  She does need someone who believes that she is worthy, even if she doesn’t believe it.  Remember, be comforting not critical.

Daily reminders…  Remind her of what she does well on a daily basis, because chances are she’s more likely to remember what she’s done “wrong”.  Let her know that there’s more to her than just her appearance.

Sharing…  Sit down together and discuss practical, concrete ways in which you can support her efforts to change her behaviour (e.g.: going for a walk after meals to distract her from the desire to purge).  While it is important that you don’t take responsibility for her ability to control her symptoms, you can be an important support.  Go at her pace and allow her to structure the process.

Self-care…  It is important to nurture yourself.  Make time for yourself in which you engage in activities and hobbies which enrich your life.  Time away from your partner can help you keep perspective, patience and creativity in the relationship.

These tips may not be easy to implement, or seem useful at first, but give them time.  Change, even positive change, doesn’t happen overnight.  A consistently warm, supportive environment goes a long way to encouraging healthy exploration by both partners.

Self-Care and Personal Development

Compiled by Merryl Bear M. Ed. (Psych)

Although it is often difficult, particularly as women, to justify time and energy directed at our own development, it is an essential part of ongoing personal growth.  Here are some strategies for strengthening personal identity.

Self-awareness…  Take the time to learn about yourself: Be aware of what your values, preferences and worldviews are.  Believe that you are entitled to them and that they are as justified as another person’s view and attitudes.  In the words of an old African saying, “To know nothing is bad.  To learn nothing is worse.” – so take the opportunity to learn little things about yourself and your response to the world about you.  This will make it easier to navigate your way through life.  Strategy: e.g.: Write letters to yourself about who you really are, how you think and your attitudes to various issues

Differences…  Learn to be comfortable with yourself, and don’t try to be what you think other people want you to be – this just makes one feel like a fraud, uncomfortable and untrue to oneself.  Trying to become what someone else wants you to be never works: Our beauty lies in the fact that we are ourselves. Strategy: e.g.: Write about how it makes you feel and behave when you do or say something to please someone else all of the time.  Now write about how you would like to do/say the same thing in a way which feels “like you”.  How does it feel different?

Compassion… Be gentle with yourself when assessing your attributes.  Lives are about learning and growing, not about “perfection”.  The whole point about ideals is that they are things to work towards, but are not generally attainable.  Accept, cherish and respect yourself in your entirety: body, mind and soul.  Strategy: e.g.: play a sport for fun

Truth…  Be true to yourself.  This can be frightening when your beliefs conflict with those of people you love or who have power over you.  When we stand up for ourselves we find pride and strength which encourages us to have stronger belief in ourselves.  It does the world of good to our self-esteem to feel that we’ve stuck up for something in which we believe.  Strategy: e.g.: Practice assertiveness in situations that are not threatening, then work towards potentially riskier situations

Self-appraisal…  Don’t get stuck in one narrow perception of yourself.  We are all complex creatures with a wide range of attributes, abilities and behaviours.  Look at yourself from the many angles that you present to the world at different times.  Don’t be critical of yourself without finding the positive balance.  Strategy: e.g.: When evaluating something that you’ve done, look at both opportunities for improvement AND aspects of the task that you did well.  Just look for opportunities for improvement shows a willingness to learn and grow.  But do value what you already do well too.

Strategies for Engaging With Someone with an Eating Problem

Compiled by Merryl Bear M. Ed. (Psych)

It is often difficult to engage with a family member or friend who is suffering from an eating disorder, or whom you suspect of having one.  There are issues about privacy, fear of disclosure, and a sense of helplessness which may make it difficult to broach the subject.  Some suggestions to deal with this situation follow.

Think carefully about the situation and what your concerns are.  Be certain that you are not making huge generalizations from a few specific events.  Consider the life-stage of the individual you are concerned about and what factors could be playing a part in the problem you perceive.

Educate yourself about eating disorders.  Find out what resources are available for yourself and the individual concerned.  Call NEDIC for information and resources.

Find or arrange for a time when you can sit down and speak calmly and openly with the person.

Remember that in all constructive conversations there is a mutual respect for each person’s feelings and needs.  Try to get an agreement from everyone involved in the discussion that:

the purpose of the discussion is to help family and friends understand what is troubling the person, and how they can be of help

notions of guilt and blame are to be avoided

no-one interrupts another person while they are talking

no-one leave the discussion until it is mutually agreed that it is over

do not focus on appearance and weight as this can be counter-productive:  The individual is already overly absorbed with these issues.  Focus instead on issues of both emotional and physical health.

Respect the individual’s right to privacy and autonomy as appropriate.

Where a minor is concerned, exercise responsibility and authoritative wisdom in getting help for the person.  Consider the many benefits of family therapy.

Do not engage in power struggle around food-related behaviour.  You are, however, entitled to not be inconvenienced by the person’s disordered behaviours:  Common household areas and facilities should be kept reasonably clean and available for all.

Remember that families may be contributing factors but do not alone cause eating disorders.  You may find support for your own issues through attending forums and support groups.  Individual counseling may be helpful.

Realize the important of patience:  The individual can only proceed at the pace which is right for her.  Be certain that you are not imposing your goals on the other person.

Do not take the role of therapist or social worker.  These roles are specialized and have different demands than those of family member or friend.  Be sincere and respectful in your interactions with the person, but most of all, be a true friend.

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what is splitting?

Splitting is defined as a rapid change of emotions, but that’s not very specific. Despite the fact that splitting is an almost universal symptom for BPD individuals nobody really has put out the best description for it. I remember being very confused when I first heard of it and even more confused when my google searches came up without any real answer to what exactly splitting is. Truly the best way to define splitting is to describe it, but it tends to manifest itself in many ways, so I’ll do my best to cover them all.

Rage Split: A sudden anger that courses through the body sometimes without warning. Your chest will tighten and your vision may tunnel. A burning, aching feeling usually blossoms in my rib cage, like my heart is trying to break out and attack. Generally the primary emotion felt is anger. I become downright infuriated at someone or something for what could be no reason at all. This kind of split usually causes me to act impulsively, say things, I shouldn’t say, and lash out violently. It’s almost like catharsis in that it’s a release of emotions, or just this one overwhelming emotion. Sometimes I can’t really remember what I did or said during the split and looking back the memory is usually a blur.

Preparation Split: This is a split that usually isn’t acted on. Usually a scenario is imagined in the head of what somebody might say to you and how you’d respond. You start to gear up for this situation as if it’s actually going to happen. You begin to hate this person in question, despite the fact that what they ‘did/said’ was purely in your head. Then when the time comes and nothing happens you feel almost disappointed. Most importantly however the feelings of imagined anger and betrayal linger.

Isolation split: This is a split brought on by an extreme fear of abandonment and usually blindsides you unexpectedly out of nowhere. You could be at home, in school, at work, or even with friends and have the overwhelming feeling that everybody hates you. Not only that, but you have the desire to prove yourself wrong so you do the most rational (or in this case irrational) thing you can think of in an effort to get somebody to notice you: you cut yourself off. Now, for some borderlines this is just straight up cutting people out of your life aggressively and for no reason and then wondering why nobody is checking up on them. For others this might be withdrawing casually from social groups and conversations, desperately hoping for somebody to notice and ask if their okay. In both cases the borderline is either noticed, which brings on a sort of euphoria, or is unnoticed and will rage split on themselves (self harm, suicide attempts, risky behaviors, etc). 

Those are the main ones that I come across, but here are some little ones!

Sadness split: A sudden feeling that the world had gone cold and empty and that nothing will bring you joy, ever. This could be mistaken as a symptom for depression, but usually these little splits resolve themselves within a matter of days or even hours.

Apathy split: The borderline no longer feels any emotion whatsoever. For borderlines this is a little bit of heaven that quickly turns into hell. We’re so used to experiencing everything at once that we don’t know how to cope with this new numbness, so we try to force ourselves into experiencing something. This may include self harm, dangerous/illegal activities, etc.

Silent split: Like a rage split in that it is anger fueled, but normally the impulsive behaviors are controlled. This is more common in quiet borderlines.

Euphoria split: This is a sudden ‘Everything is good and wonderful! Nothing will ever make me sad again!’ kind of emotion that results from getting the desired attention we crave. Borderlines will then become so wrapped up in this feeling that they neglect their real responsibilities, convinced that they will be okay and not having the permanence to remember the consequences of their actions.

Okay, I think that just about covers it. Just ask if you have any more questions!

[breaking-borderline]

What they don’t tell you about recovery

When you choose recovery, life will get harder for a period of time. You will reach a point where you will want to relapse.

You might begin the process of recovery highly motivated. You might be naive enough to think that this positivity will last. Or maybe if you’re not that ignorant and you’re expecting things to get hard eventually, you still probably think that even when it does get hard you’ll continue to hold the same underlying conviction that you have now – the conviction telling you that recovery is taking you closer towards the life you want for yourself. Right?

Wrong.

Recovery takes it all from you. It strips you of everything. Any clarity you have that recovery is the right choice, becomes clouded. Any positivity, dies. Any motivation, disappears. You’ll reach a point where you feel like you literally cannot even make it through the rest of the day without completely falling apart. When you reach this point – and you will reach it – you’ll probably end up lying on your bedroom floor, tears running down your face, everything inside you screaming, and all you will want to do is grab some more tablets or drink alcohol or purge or starve or do whatever it is you’re trying to recover from. And that huge list of reasons that you have stuck to your bedroom door to help keep you strong in times like this? Well you’ll read them but they won’t be enough right now to keep you going. Because recovery takes you to the point where you have nothing left to give. It takes you to the point where suddenly a life in slavery to your addiction or mental illness, doesn’t seem so bad of a life anymore. Recovery will take you to the point where you want nothing but to relapse.

[breaking-borderline]

Let’s examine the differences between choices and mental illnesses, and why eating disorders are not choices.

Since so many people out there STILL do not understand that mental illnesses, in particular eating disorders, are not choices, I thought I’d try to clear a few things up.

First off, let’s start with what an eating disorder is, by definition.

Eating disorder (noun): any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits

Okay, so we’ve got a basis. The basis is that there are normal eating patterns and abnormal eating patterns. Let’s take this a step further backwards and ask the question, what is a normal eating pattern? We can find the answer defined by Ellyn Satter, an expert on feeding and eating. She states the following:

“Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life…In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.”

From this definition we can gather that normal eating is not the following:

starving yourself intentionally

eating beyond the point of satisfaction / fullness

intentionally purging food from the body with methods such as self induced vomiting, laxative abuse, overexercise, enemas, or diuretics

eating only at night, or eating only “safe” foods

substituting food with other things, like tea or coffee

pretending to have food allergies

etc

That’s at a very base level what normal eating patterns are not.

But those are choices, right? I can choose to starve myself, I can choose to take laxatives, I can choose to weigh myself twenty times a day and overexercise until the number goes down. Right? 

Well, this is where things get interesting. A person can choose to not eat for a day, or go on a diet with a lower calorie intake. A person cannot choose to become anorexic at will, however. I can choose to induce vomiting if I wish, but this does not make me bulimic by itself. A persistent pattern of behavior over time must be observed, a persistent chemical imbalance in the brain must occur. Just as I cannot choose my natural eye color, a person cannot willingly choose to have a mental illness, or for that matter, an eating disorder.

But what’s the difference? Where does the pattern become an eating disorder, rather than just a diet? When does it stop being a choice?

Psychologists aren’t sure why eating disorders develop, but it is known that a variety of factors contribute to their development. Some of these factors include genetics, biochemistry, psychological factors, culture, and environment. 

Genetics and biochemistry are out of our control. Eating disorders, like most mental illnesses, are in part (some would probably argue fully) caused by some sort of chemical imbalance; too much serotonin or cortisone. There was even a study by the Zuckerberg Brain Behavior Institute in which women with anorexia and women without anorexia were scanned with an MRI to study key differences in brain activity. Among other things, it stated the following findings concerning  brain activity and anorexia:

“The brain regions they used to make those choices were also different: for individuals with anorexia nervosa, choices about what to eat were associated with activation in the dorsal striatum, a brain region known to be related to habitual control of actions. Furthermore, activation in fronto-striatal brain circuits during the experiment predicted how many calories they chose to consume in a meal the following day. These are the first data linking abnormalities in brain activity with the salient behavioral disturbance of anorexia nervosa, restrictive food choice.”

In other words, the researchers found that how brains responded to stimuli was a lot of the reason for the structuring in the diet of an anoretic. 

Furthermore, The Scientific American tells us about a study in which women with both anorexia and bulimia were compared to those who had never had an eating disorder. The following statement(s) are taken from the article:

“A team of psychiatrists at U.C. San Diego studied 14 recovered anorexic women, 14 recovered bulimic women (who used to binge and purge) and 14 women who had never had an eating disorder, matched by age and weight. None of the women had had any pathological eating-related behaviors in the 12 months preceding the study. After fasting overnight, subjects received a modest breakfast to ensure similar levels of satiety. They were then fed small tastes of sugar every 20 seconds through a syringe pump while their brains were scanned…The women who had recovered from anorexia—those who formerly starved themselves—showed less activity than the healthy women in a reward center in the brain known as the primary gustatory cortex. The participants who were no longer bulimic showed more activity than the healthy women did…. The researchers believe these abnormal responses to sugar predispose people to eating disorders, adding to a growing body of work suggesting that genetic and biological risk factors underlie most cases, according to study co-author Walter Kaye, director of U.C.S.D.’s Eating Disorders Research and Treatment Program. Kaye acknowledges that the finding could instead reflect a consequence of an eating disorder that persists after recovery, but he thinks it is less likely. Given our culture’s fixation on body image and thinness, if nonbiological factors such as social pressure were enough to trigger eating disorders, anorexia would be rampant, Kaye says. Yet only 0.5 percent of women in the U.S. are anorexic, a figure that has held steady for decades…  (the) abnormal brain activity has important implications for how we treat patients, according to physician Laura Hill, chief clinical officer of the Center for Balanced Living, a clinic specializing in eating disorders in Columbus, Ohio. “People will say [to anorexics] just be mindful of your eating. They can’t be mindful. There is no response in the brain to say, ‘Let me get a sense of how I should eat and when I should eat.’ It’s just not firing,” she says. Instead successful therapies use experiential activities that teach patients how to compensate for their brain’s irregular responses.”

Let’s reiterate the last point and put it in laymans’ terms: in other words, eating disorders are a way of coping with a brain’s irregular responses to abnormal brain activity. In addition, we have here further proof that there is a biological factor to eating disorders, because they are not as rampant as our culture would have us believe they should be. Even though we live in a diet centered culture, there is a proven biological / biochemical factor to eating disorders because part of it is based on how the brain responds to different stimuli. 

This means that eating disorders cannot be a choice: there is a physical component that is out of our control.

 None of us can choose what stimuli our brains respond to, nor can we choose our chemical imbalances. These factors come from a combination of things: genetics, environmental factors, cultural factors, biochemical factors, and physiological factors. 

Now, granted, we can take medications to try to correct an imbalance of chemicals (namely serotonin, this seems to be the leading factor in the cause of many different mental illnesses, ie schizophrenia and depression). But we do not get to make a conscious choice about whether an imbalance is there to begin with. That would be like choosing how many freckles I have, or whether or not I’m allergic to peanuts (I’m not, by the way, but I am allergic to sheep’s wool, Demerol, and diclofenac - there’s a funny story about the last one that I’ll tell if someone asks). The body has pre-determined factors that decide whether or not I am allergic to peanuts. It also pre-determines whether or not a person is at risk of mental illness, in this case, eating disorders. 

There are definitely things a person can do that will make the imbalance worse; taking drugs like speed, drinking too much, over-excise, under eating, to name a few. But these things alone will not cause a mental illness. Not everyone who is thin from drug abuse has anorexia, for example. But also, not everyone who overeats has binge eating disorder, and taking laxatives every now and again to try to get rid of constipation does not make a person bulimic. 

I am pro ana though! I choose to be anorexic!

Well, you can choose to promote and glorify eating disorders (posting about how “hunger hurts but starving works” as just one example), you cannot choose to be born with a brain that has a predisposition towards actually having an eating disorder - namely the coveted title of Anorexic. You can choose to try to restrict your calories, you can choose to go on a diet and call it anorexia - that doesn’t make it anorexia. There is a huge difference between anorexia nervosa, the deadly eating disorder, and wannarexia - the want to have an eating disorder. 

What is wannarexia? How does it differ from anorexia?

Margarita Tartokovsky has an interesting article on the subject which lays out a good definition as follows:

Anorexia nervosa is a serious illness with dangerous health consequences and has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. Yet some people yearn to have anorexia. This phenomenon is known as “wannarexia” or anorexic yearning (AY), a term coined by researcher Pamela Hardin in a 2003 paper in Nursing Inquiry. Neither is an official diagnosis, and definitions vary…“There’s no operational definition of anorexic yearning,” according to Kathy Chen, a third-year clinical psychology doctoral student at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, who’s studying the motivations behind wanting to be anorexic. She defines AY as someone “who desires to acquire the mental illness of anorexia nervosa but doesn’t meet criteria for anorexia based on the current diagnostic standards.”…“Wannarexia” is a loosely-used layman’s term, according to Richard Kreipe, M.D., a board-certified pediatrician and director of the Western New York Comprehensive Care Center for Eating Disorders at the University of Rochester Medical Center. The behaviors associated with anorexia, such as “controlling your intake, controlling your weight, losing weight and being thin are all seen as positive things,” he said.

The article goes on to discuss the dangers of wannarexia, because dieting in an extreme, while it is not the same as having an eating disorder, can lead to health consequences. The article DOES ADDRESS THE ISSUE OF CHOICE, stating the following:

Even though some believe that they can actively acquire anorexia, eating disorders are not lifestyle choices. “They are mental health disorders that can have dire consequences,” Brotsky said. This is sometimes viewed as offensive to people who suffer from anorexia and other eating disorders, Chen said. 

Let’s reiterate:  Even though some believe that they can actively acquire anorexia, eating disorders are not lifestyle choices. 

Choice, by definition, is very different from mental illness. 

choice CHois/

noun

1.an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.“the choice between good and evil"synonyms:option, alternative, possible course of action"you have no other choice”

adjective

1.(especially of food) of very good quality.“he picked some choice early plums"synonyms:superior, first-class, first-rate, prime, premier, grade A, best, finest, excellent, select,quality, high-quality, top, top-quality, high-grade, prize, fine, special; More

2.(of words, phrases, or language) rude and abusive.“he had a few choice words at his command”

In other words, a choice is when a person is faced with two or more possibilities and selects one option. How is this different than choosing to have an eating disorder? Why aren’t eating disorders choices, but diets are choices?

The simple fact of the matter is that dieting is a choice, but that is because the choice there is between choosing to eat how you have always eaten and choosing to eat in a new, different way that you believe will help you get healthier, lose weight, or something along those lines. In this case, the brain chemistry required for the choice is not influenced by a chemical imbalance, or increased activity in one part of the brain and not another. 

When the brain is imbalanced, this is when we do different things to cope with our stresses in life. A person may drink too much coffee, for example, to deal with chronic fatigue. Cutting oneself releases a rush of dopamine, and therefore can become addicting. I myself get a rush when I binge and purge food, and this is part of why the cycle of binge eating and purging is incredibly hard to break. The more extreme the unbalance we are trying to correct, the more likely our behaviors may become dangerous to us. Marya Hornbacher has written two autobiographies- one that is read often by the eating disorder community, “Wasted”, in which Hornbacher describes a battle caught between the forces of bulimia and then later anorexia, and “Madness”, in which Hornbacher describes a life long battle with bipolar disorder. Most people I know have only heard of “Wasted”, let alone read any of her other works, which is a real shame; she’s an excellent writer and the two autobiographies bounce off of one another. In “Wasted”, towards the end of the book, Hornbacher says that she had many different tools at her disposal to deal with her life. She states, I quote, “I chose an eating disorder.” The flaw with this statement is that it is redacted with her second autobiography, “Madness”. In “Madness”, Hornbacher describes fighting her mood swings with binge eating and purging; purging brought her back down, brought her energy and anxiety down, acted as a coping mechanism. In other words, Hornbacher describes in her second autobiography that her eating disorder was her way of coping with what was at that point undiagnosed bipolar disorder; she was trying, in her own desperate and self destructive way, to cope. Therefore, it was not a conscious choice for the disorder to develop. (This right here is why you should read everything an author puts out, if you can. I’m working my way through her books; I found an excellent article in which she discusses her time of being a stripper, and her novel “The Center of Winter” is fantastic. I read a lot and I’m very excited by writers who are true intellectuals, sorry.) 

The central flaw with eating disorders being choices is that it implies that everyone is presented with them as a choice: to have an eating disorder or not to have one. To have anorexia or bulimia. That anorexia is simply a matter of willpower, instead of being a way to cope with a chemical imbalance.

Not everyone is presented with this choice. Not everyone is born with too much serotonin and dopamine - if they were, we would all have skitizophrenia. Not everyone has suicidal thoughts, even when things become difficult. Not everyone has episodes of mania which cause them to engage in reckless behaviors. It’s about brain chemistry.

There are some things that make this tricky for those of us who do suffer from these things. For example, if I’m planning to binge and purge, well that should be a choice, it would seem. Or perhaps I’m going to go on the ABC diet; surely, that’s a choice.

The thing about mental illnesses though is they effect our actions. They effect - sometimes even control - our moods. They influence how we see the world, our behaviors, and our ability to make the right choice. 

If I’m under the influence of I dunno, crack (no I’ve never done crack) I am going to make different decisions than I would if I were sober. The same goes for eating disorders: if I’m under the influence of my brain being too active in one area, and not active enough in another, then I may believe genuinely that restricting my caloric intake will make me feel better. I may begin to obsess over the scale because my brain activity - the part of my body that controls everything about who I am and how I behave - may tell me that the number is too high. It’s like the switch was flipped but I didn’t flip it; my brain did. And brain is the boss, even of my choices. If the brain is sick, it is going to tell me that some things are okay to do that are actually “sick” things. I didn’t make the brain sick. I didn’t get to choose. The choice was not presented to me as “option 1, eating disorder” and “option 2, no eating disorder”. My brain has already made the decision, if you will, by having an imbalance of some kind. Gosh, I hope this is making sense.

Another good example is a part of my eating disorder story. I really, really wanted anorexia. Like so much. I grew up scrawny and small. Honestly I don’t weigh all that much now, even. My boss jokes with me that I’m considerably smaller than him. At my last job, I had to climb on shelves to reach cords and things that I needed - seriously. I’m a short mother fucker. I definitely have had wannarexia, but I have never had anorexia. Instead, I had full blown bulimia. I would starve myself, obsessing over food, until the uncontrollable, mind numbing urge to binge eat overtook me. Then I would take laxatives (later on I started inducing vomiting) and obsess over thinspiration all over again, wanting anorexia, wanting thinness. None of this made me anorexic. I wanted so much to choose anorexia, but I couldn’t simply force myself to become anorexic. My brain was addicted to the binge and purge cycle. The more research I did on anorexia and the more I tried to force myself to develop it, the worse my bulimia got. I could not, for the life of me, become anorexic. I could not choose it. I thought I could will myself to have it, but I could not. My brain was experiencing the activity needed for bulimia nervosa, not anorexia nervosa. And that was that. In fact, that still is that; as I fumble and fall down from time to time, I still find myself body checking, and desiring that coveted thin anorexic body. But this does not in any way make me anorexic. I cannot choose anorexia any more than I can choose a pancreas that produces the correct amount of insulin (I’m hypoglycemic). The parts of my brain that like being bulimic, the parts of me that enjoy sitting in front of Netflix mindlessly eating and running back and forth to and from the bathroom to purge over and over again are sick. They are disordered. They play tapes, as my therapist once said, over and over, telling me to induce vomiting if I’m full. I cannot make myself anorexic. No one can.

But I just have a mental illness, I’m not promoting or glorifying anything! This is my choice! Stop attacking people with mental illnesses!

I try to remain calm in my responses to the pro ana community, but sometimes I just can’t. I think sometime soon I’m going to write a very long, detailed post which tells my eating disorder story, so that maybe some of you who defend pro ana will understand. But a few things.

First off, going from a wonderfully detailed chart from @fuck-thinner-eat-dinner, we can gather pretty conclusively that not all pro ana bloggers have an eating disorder, much less have anorexia. She presents the following very helpful information that I am going to quote here: 

“If it is assumed that 10% of all Tumblogs are pro-ED, and that all eating disordered people promote, 23.13% of them would still not be owned by an eating disordered person, 89.15% would still not be owned by an anorexic person. Therefore it is impossible for all pro anas to have EDs/AN (anorexia nervosa). 

She has a very helpful fact sheet power about it that should definitely be read, but I didn’t want to steal her fact charts. I would have it linked but Tumblr wouldn’t allow me to link it. 

Secondly, simply hitting “report” on a blog which showcases thinspiration, discusses starvation as if it is a good thing, encourages people to starve themselves… that’s not an attack. The website allows anyone to report any blog as they see fit. You can even report anons now. That power belongs to every single person on the site.

Third, if there was nothing wrong with it, it would be okay with Tumblr’s guidelines. That should go without saying.

Fourth, it is your choice what you post. It’s fine to post depressing things when you’re depressed, to discuss how you’re feeling. This is decidedly different from “send me meanspo!”, “30 hour fast, wish me luck lovelies <3″ or “do it for the collarbones”. Those are your choice to post. Just as it is my choice to report you. 

Long story short - TL;DR

Eating disorders are not lifestyle choices. Having a mental illness is not a choice. Glorifying it, especially when you have a full conscious grasp on what an eating disorder is and what you’re going through, is a choice. If it wasn’t a choice, there probably wouldn’t be an option to report it when it happens, because Tumblr and those of us in the APAC view it as encouraging harm in others. Don’t promote or glorify eating disorders; you can post about what you’re going through without doing this. 

[breaking-borderline]

PSA: just because somebody recovering from an eating disorder is eating regularly and more “normally”, is challenging themselves daily, is no longer using harmful symptoms, is creating a life for themselves and smiling more often, and no longer “looks” like they’re struggling, does not mean the struggle is over and that they’re not fighting a hard fucking battle every single day to keep moving forward. Please remember this.

[breaking-borderline]

[breaking-borderline]

“But You Don’t Look Unwell!”

I'm in recovery from a recent relapse into anorexia. I've suffered with this illness for the past 8 years, and one thing I've heard so many times when people have found out is "but you don't look unwell".  I'm currently an In Patient at a Psychiatric Ward for initial re-feeding, as unfortunately in the U.K, Eating Disorder Units are incredibly underfunded, which means the waiting lists are months upon months long, and many don't accept out of county referrals. After one too many admissions, treatment teams prefer to try an alternative method and I’m working on building a relationship with a new treatment team closer to home. As stability and continuity is important to my recovery, we’re trying out this method to work on the borderline at the ward, and the eating disorder with the team based on site. This means my support network will  stay the same upon discharge, even a minor change can cause a relapse and I won’t have to start again with a new team. We can build the rapport whilst in a stable environment, and keep myself near a general hospital if I become too medically unstable again and need to be re-admitted there for a short while.. again. As a person with an eating disorder who also as borderline personality disorder, often we are found to be high functioning with an unstable personality. One of the things I've always maintained about myself is the ability to put on make-up each day and cover myself.

I post a lot of these on Instagram too, and recently received an anonymous question via my personal tumblr.

"They do comment, and they love it. In all honesty, my personal hygiene is something I REALLY struggle with and the staff are aware of it. I can’t stand the sight or feel of my own body and it gets in the way a lot, like I can’t look at or touch any part of myself. I get dressed because, well, I need to mask a lot of things. It’s something I’m trying to work on. The hair is barely done to be honest, if I’m gonna be personal about it, I’m so scared of how much falls out that I can go weeks without washing it. I cover up in baggy clothes, heavy scarves and loose hoodies.

The make up is something my treatment team are actually encouraging me to do, because it’s trying to explore and find an identity outside of the eating disorder, BPD and trauma. In a session just after admittance, talking about the things I’ve always maintained some interest in, make up art has always been there and they’re encouraging me to pursue this interest and develop into a career.

But on the other side, it’s also to mask who I am and how uncomfortable things are. It’s a distraction. If people are looking at say my lipstick or eyeliner one day, it’ll help draw attention from my body and how fat I am (or feel, still in the depths of an eating disorder here). It’s also kind of a way of hiding, by saying “I’m fine, leave me alone.” With that, it’s also routine. I’ve built a strict structure for my mornings which involves spending x amount of time doing this before I can walk to the shop. One of strategies I use to hide that I’m not managing well is being overly extroverted at times, by putting on the act that I’m fine until they believe it. The professionals here know this, so even doing all my make up doesn’t cover up the fact I’m not okay anymore.

I guess I’m just trying to discover myself, and distract myself from how awful everything feels at the moment, because recovery is far from easy. If I can put on my face, I can put on my mask. Even on the NG tube less than 2 weeks ago, I was still putting on (what I could) to make everyone think I was fine. It’s the problem with being high functioning whilst actually being very mentally ill. Even back in the E.D. Unit last year, a lot of us would still get dressed, do our hair and make-up; ‘cause it’s coping for some people, it’s distraction, it’s knowing if you stop even for one second.. you feel everything, it all falls apart, and I can’t afford to break right now.

Actually, I broke last night. After dinner I sat and apparently disassociated for about an hour; when I came out of it, I looked up and saw my reflection in the window. All I saw was a fat, disgusting, worthless failure..so I threw everything at the window and cried.. then I just stopped, got up, walked away and sat on the edge of my bed for another hour.

 The truth is, I’m far from fine, and the more effort I put into my make up, the more not okay I am at the moment. Through my personal blog, it's the only place I've found to be open and honest about my struggles. My response was something I've had to reflect on a lot recently.

 Personally, I believe many people can relate to this. When we're unwell, we can put an awful amount of effort towards tricking others into thinking we're fine, because we want to be left alone to carry on with it. One of the things I'm hopefully going to start working on during my recovery, is to accept that I'm in fact not okay; give myself permission to stop, to open up and be vulnerable. Taking off the mask is where recovery begins, I hope to make it to the other side one day. I won't give up, and I hope you don't either.”

[breaking-borderline]

"But I can't have an eating disorder BECAUSE..."

“I eat too much!” There is no maximum calorie limit for eating disorders. An eating disorder is not about what you eat, but how you eat- your feelings/thoughts about your body and your intake.

“I’m not underweight!” The majority of people who develop an eating disorder will never become underweight. The only disorder that is diagnosed based partially on weight is anorexia- and for that, if you’re an average weight but meet every other criteria, you’ll still be diagnosed with ‘atypical anorexia nervosa’. It doesn’t mean you aren’t sick or that you don’t need help.

“I don’t meet the anorexia/bulimia guidelines!” OSFED (formerly known as EDNOS) is not a ‘failed’ eating disorder. It is every bit as serious as anorexia or bulimia. It is also the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder, meaning more people have this than anorexia or bulimia.

“I don’t make myself sick!” Vomiting is only one form of purging. You can have bulimia, anorexia or OSFED/ARFID and not make yourself sick.

“I still eat!” So does everybody else. You can’t photosynthesise, after all. Even people with eating disorders eat.

“I feel like a fake/ a fraud!” So does basically every single other eating disordered person. This is a really, really, really, really common feeling. You might feel guilty for ‘misleading’ other people into believing the problem is more serious than it is, or feel like you’re overblowing things. That’s totally normal and it is not true. You are not a fake or a fraud.

“I eat things that no real anorexic would eat!” I have known eating disordered patients with these safe foods: chocolate, frozen meat pizza, fruit, ice cream cones, potatoes, granola I have known eating disordered patients with these fear foods: : chocolate, frozen meat pizza, fruit, ice cream cones, potatoes, granola Safe/fear foods are not based on logic or reason. They are individualised. There are even people who don’t have any fear foods- they’ll eat anything, they’ll just feel crappy and purge it/ restrict afterwards. All of the experiences described here are those of a person with an eating disorder.

“I’ve never been inpatient!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“I’ve never been tube fed!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“I’ve never been near death!” Neither have most eating disorder sufferers.

“My blood work/ blood pressure is fine! Eating disorders affect different bodies in different ways. Some people find their blood work suffers; others find their blood pressure or pulse dips; others find that, whilst they’re suffering hugely mentally, their bodies hold up well. This is not a measure of how ‘sick’ you are. All of these things- weight, bp, pulse etc- are just symptoms of the sickness. The sickness is in your head.

“I don’t feel sick enough.” You never will. Sorry. “I’m not sick enough!” is one of the most common ED thoughts there is; please don’t listen to it. It is a lie. Do not compare your misery to someone else’s; nobody with stage I cancer says ‘yeah, but that person is a stage III, so I’m not really that bad and I won’t get any treatment yet’.

“I still get my period!” ‘Period loss’ has been removed from the DSM as necessary for a diagnosis of anorexia, and no other eating disorder requires it. It was viewed as a flawed measure of illness, and so it has been removed. Whether or not you get your period is not an indication of how ill you are.

“But I binge eat without throwing up” Binge eating disorder is a newly added eating disorder in the DSM, where people eat large amounts of food in an ‘out of control’ manner but then do not compensate inappropriately for it. It is very much a real eating disorder.

“I don’t calorie count/ weigh myself!” I know many people with eating disorders- including anorexia- who have never calorie counted, or who don’t own a pair of scales. It’s not required for diagnosis.

“I think about food all the time!” This is a symptom of an eating disorder. Malnutrition causes the brain to focus 100% of its attention on food- finding it, getting it, eating it. Daydreaming or fantasizing about food does not mean you are not sick; quite the opposite, in fact.

“But I enjoy eating!” Most people do. Eating is enjoyable. Even in the depths of my restriction, the food I ate brought me great pleasure. It’s linked to the previous point, to a certain extent. Enjoying food does not mean you don’t have an ED.

“But this is just how I am!” Eating disorders often start in early childhood, and it can be hard to break out of a pattern that well-entrenched. It’s not impossible, though. Chronic eating disorders can be harder to beat, but they can be beaten.

–

(part of Mental Health Awareness week)

For more information on eating disorders and what to do if you think you have one, visit

www.b-eat.co.uk

www.webiteback.com

http://www.something-fishy.org

NHS- overcoming eating disorders

www.joyproject.org

[breaking-borderline]

How to treat your girlfriend, who's been a victim of rape and/or sexual assault

1. Tenderly. Show her love, show her compassion, treat her gently. Some days she needs to be treated delicately.

2. But, treat her like she’s strong. She is. Let her know that you know she’s a warrior.

3. Check, and double check, and triple check that she is completely comfortable with any sexual activities the two of you partake in. Don’t just accept a yes. Check for body language, her facial expressions, her tone of voice. Do not go forward until you have established her comfort fully.

4. Don’t get upset when she isn’t comfortable doing whatever sexual activity you suggest. Dont be pushy, and never force it. Let her set the boundaries. Respect them.

5. Don’t become upset if she suddenly seems far away, or like she’s not paying attention, during sex. She’s probably disassociating. Stop. Do not continue to have sex with her. Let her come back to life.

6. Encourage, and if she’s comfortable, participate in her healing. If she needs help finding a therapist, or wants to see a psychiatrist, or needs a support group, do what you can to help her with these needs.

7. Do not ask about parts of her story she doesn’t readily tell. Maybe she’ll tell you details, maybe she won’t. Let her share what she wants and don’t pry into what she doesn’t. Never, ever suggest doubt or blame on any part of her story. Expect to be met with extremely negative emotions if you try to invalidate her.

8. When she wakes up crying during the middle of the night from the nightmares she has about her incident or attacker, get her a glass of water. Make her tea. Comfort her in some way.

9. Remind when you have to that it wasn’t her fault. That she is still a wonderful and beautiful and whole human being who has so much to offer the world. She will have periods of extreme depression. She will feel like she is worthless, or dirty or incomplete. She may feel suicidal or have self destructive behaviors. Help her see the good in herself when she cannot.

10. Stand up for her, and all other victims of rape or sexual assault when it comes to victim blaming. Slut shaming. Your friends making rape jokes and talking about fucking too drunk girls. Discourage this behavior. Call them out on being fucking shit bags. Have her back.

11. Be honest, all the time. She probably has extreme trust issues. Help her heal these. Help her regain trust in people.

12. Treat her in ways that pamper and relax her physically. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but if you can afford it pay for her to get her nails or hair done, maybe get a massage. Feeling comfortable in your own skin, let alone having a stranger touch it, after an assault is extremely difficult. I’ve found small activities like these have helped me personally become more comfortable with touch overall.

13. When it comes to your physical interactions with her, always start slow. Always approach slow. Kiss her gently, hug her softly, until you fully understand her comfort level with touch.

14. Avoid her triggers. If she can’t stand to watch movies that have scenes of rape or sexual assault, don’t bring her to them or have them on while she’s around. If there was a song related to her attack, don’t play it when she can hear it. Learn what these might be from her and do your best to keep them out of her life.

15. Give her the attention she needs when she needs it, and the alone time she needs as well. If she doesn’t want to be around you it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, she just needs time to herself. All people do, but in my experience victims can be much more one way or another on the spectrum, meaning she may crave constant attention, or want much more alone time than you’re used to.

16. Accept her, and her trauma. And if you can’t deal with the truth and ugliness that comes along with rape- the PTSD, the flinching at intimacy, the night terrors, the poor communication skills, the sometimes desperate need to be validated in feelings and love- then leave. She is who she is because of what has happened to her. You cannot take her trauma away. You cannot change her. You can try and help but you’ll never repair the damage that was done. The last thing she needs is a man coming into her life and treating her like shit because she was ASSAULTED.

17. Assure her of your love and protection often. Tell her you’ll never hurt her, and don’t. Tell her you love her, and mean it. And then act on it. Be a good partner, and be a good lover. Rape and assault victims are incredibly strong and beautiful people, who are able to offer so much compassion and love to the world because they have seen and felt the exact opposite of compassion and love. They have felt hatred and pain and control, and many of them will go above and beyond to prevent others from feeling these things.

If any of this seems too difficult for you, or maybe you just don’t want to do it.. Don’t date that girl. You don’t deserve her, and she deserves a partner who will treat her like she’s meant to be treated. And to all my fellow rape and sexual assault survivors, do not put up with a man (or woman) who doesn’t think about your trauma and do what he has to to be in a relationship with you. If the partners you’ve been with aren’t living up to the standard you need, just stay single. You’ll meet someone someday who will be perfect for you, and treat you gently, and kiss your tears away and calm your fears, and make you remember that sex can feel good and be fun and not be a painful and tortuous trip into your own head time and time again. You’ll meet someone who will care for and respect your body. And it will all be worth the wait. You are beautiful, strong, and WORTHY.

[breaking-borderline]

Positive Affirmations

I am good enough.

I am worthy of love and encouragement.

I am worthy of extra sensitivity.

I am learning love and accept myself unconditionally.

I have many choices or options.

I accept that mistakes are how I learn and grow.

I let go of shaming myself for things beyond my control.

I take baby steps toward recovery.

Every second that passes is an opportunity to start again.

The present moment is a gift and I accept it now.

Happiness will find me.

I can choose happiness whenever I want or need.

I fully accept who I am, where I am.

I am precious.

My goal is progress, not perfection.

I am always one step away from mindfully enjoying the present.

I will no longer betray myself.

I can unburden myself with safe and compassionate people.

I release the need to control the future and instead focus on doing the next right thing.

I am loveable and worthwhile even when others don't approve of me.

I compassionately accept that I am a work in progress.

I have compassion for myself especially when struggling with perfectionism.

I do enough.

I am valuable for who I am.

There are many ways in which I can take are of myself.

I take baby steps towards focusing more on the positives in my life.

I am grateful.

My safety and stability comes from being grounded in my Self.

Even if I am abandoned, I will never again abandon myself.

I take responsibility for myself and allow others to take responsibility for themselves.

I am beautiful.

I recognize my suffering.

My thoughts and feelings are valid.

[breaking-borderline]

How to Self Validate

Self-validation: Respecting yourself, letting yourself feel, think, and want with acceptance – no judgments, second-guessing, or devaluing yourself.

With Mindfulness (about):

Observe, participate, and describe your thoughts and feelings non-judgmentally.

Let judgments pass. Notice but do not hold onto them, let them go.

Observe your thinking without participating or believing it’s true.

Identify and describe your feelings precisely.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions without avoiding them, escaping from them, acting impulsively, or numbing out from them. Try to manage your emotions skillfully.

Honor your own values.

Using Radical Acceptance (about):

Look for legitimacy and understanding within yourself, truthfully and without judgment.

Try to radically accept your feelings, thoughts, or actions as they are.

Respect your own experience with willingness.

Broaden and balance your views on what you are invalidating, putting them in a new context.

Change your response to yourself:

Act like you take yourself seriously.

Acknowledge your normative emotions without judging them.

Identify problematic behavior and try to change it.

Nurture and support yourself or seek support from others.

Show the same compassion for yourself as you would for any human.

Use your wise mind.

Note: Without self-validation, you might criticize yourself, beat yourself up, or feel embarrassment or shame when something happens.You would likely retreat from these emotions and fall into the same self-defeating patterns.

A self-validating pattern after an event might include:

Catching self-invalidation early.

Noticing your emotions and check the facts. Ask “what happened?” or “what would another non-judgmental person feel?’

Watch for more complex emotions like shame, but trust your primary emotions.

Don’t call yourself names like “jerk” or “idiot.”

Identify what you want and respect it.

Identify your vulnerabilities.

Ask yourself if what you’re feeling makes sense or if other people would react similarly.

Actively tell yourself how your emotions, sensations, and wants make sense.

Self-soothe.

Re-engage with your life in the moment as a valid, respected person.

Bottom line: Judging yourself usually leads to shame. If you feel shame, check whether you have violated your values. If you have not, try to stay in your primary emotion. Describe your wants and the situation. Try to allow yourself to just be; notice and describe. If you are still struggling to self-validate, ask yourself how you might treat somebody else and give yourself the same respect.

Further Reading: The Self-Verification Theory | Source: (x) paraphrased by Rachel for Borderline Bravery