breehaner

[breehaner]

[breehaner]

It's been a while

Holy cow it's been a while since I've written. 

I have moved yet again! For the FOURTH time. This time is was unexpected. One of my roommates put bleach in my shampoo...Basically I didn't feel comfortable or safe in that living situation anymore.

I found a wonderful couple who has taken me in for a month. However, I still need to find more permanent housing...it is all so stressful! Did I mention moving to LA is hard?

I started a theatrical acting class. So far it is really fun! 

Life out here is basically exhausting me. I just want a professional, well-paying job, and a stable housing situation. 

But alas, I don't have either right now. 

[breehaner]

My thoughts on having depression

One of my biggest annoyances is when people always say they are depressed every time they are sad. I guess in a way it makes light of something I've been struggling with for years.

I never really talk about my depression to people. I mostly admit that I have it and leave it at that. But recently, I have started to realize how much having depression effects my life. And I guess it doesn't really matter if anyone reads this, but it is therapeutic for me to get it out. 

Having depression has to be one of the most annoying things a person can deal with. And people don't always seem to realize that there is a difference between being sad and being depressed. It's like this awful weight on you all the time, and you are desperate to just feel normal. Even if just for a moment. You physically can't get out of bed because you're constantly so tired. I remember in high school my mother had to literally pull me out of bed and walk me to the bathroom in the morning. And you can't eat. The thought of eating makes you want to throw up. Then your body can't take it anymore and you feel dizzy, and nauseated all the time.

Then there's the look people give you. When you fall apart because you just can't hold anything in anymore. You see it in their eyes. They look at you like you are about to completely break; like something is wrong with you. The worst part is wanting so badly to explain to people that you are not insane. However, justifying your sanity while freaking out doesn't hold much credibility. I honestly just want someone to be there and not say anything. Because nothing you can say is necessarily going to fix what is going on in my head.

I'm not crazy. I had a therapist tell me something I have always refer back to. She said "you are not depressed, depression is something you have, not who you are." This has always been important to me.

Another thing people don't seem to grasp is just because someone has depression, doesn't mean they are depressed all the time. I personally go years between my bouts of depression. I tell people I have it and they give me the crazy person look. Like at any moment they could say something and I'll go and jump off of a cliff! That truly annoys me. Not all people who have depression are suicidal, but thank you for making me feel even worse. 

There's a song I love and one of the lines is "there's beauty in the breakdown." I think there is nothing more raw than falling apart, and trusting God that it will all somehow be ok. The moments I am depressed bring me so much closer to God. I had a slight panic attack at work today, and all I could do was repeatedly ask God to help me. Then later on I had this overwhelming sense of calm come over me. Religion is something I've struggled with for a while. But I can't shake the feeling that he gave me what I asked for, if only for a short while.

I used to hate God for giving me depression. Of all the things I could have gotten, depression is last on my list. I remember being on and off of medication. When I was on it I got so jealous that other people could feel normal without a pill and I couldn't. But depression has taught me so much. I feel emotions both good and bad on such an intense level. And I have grown and matured so much as a human being. You never really know what you can handle until you are put through it. I'm so much stronger than I ever knew I was. After all, I moved to California by myself and left everything and everyone I knew behind. Somehow I'm still here.

I guess what set all of this rambling off was the need to somehow justify depression to both myself and other people. Or maybe it was because tonight someone gave me the "you're crazy" look and I just couldn't take it anymore.

[breehaner]

IMDb credit!

So back in December I was part of a production that was filming. Today I finally got to see the final product! It was so fun to film, and I'm so excited to have gotten a speaking part. 

As a result, I got my first IMDb credit! Whoo! One step at a time :)

Here is the link: http://youtu.be/-kC3RthgXxg

[breehaner]

Disney Studios

Today, I had lunch with a new friend and got to tour the Disney lot! It was amazing! I walked down the halls of building where classic movies were created. It was absolutely inspiring and such a unique experience. 

So many great things are happening that have the potential to bring me to the career I've always dreamed of. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something pans out for me very soon!

[breehaner]

Got a commercial agent :)

I heard back from the agent I met with and they are interested in signing me commercially! Yay!!!

Holy cow it's been a long road already and I've only been here five months! But I think I've accomplished quite a bit in the time I've been here. I'm really hoping having an agent will lead to even better things! 

[breehaner]

Movie Guide Gala :)

Holy cow what a weekend! Came within inches (and I mean I could literally reach out and touch them) of Jordan Sparks, AJ Michalka, David Henry, Willie Robertson (the guy from Duck Dynasty), Elsie Fisher (the little girl who voices Agnes in Despicable Me, she's ADORABLE btw) and actually met Lucas Grabeel. Saw Billy Ray Cyrus' and Jordan's rehearsals for the show too. None of this has even registered yet.

Since I was a volunteer with the gala, I got access to the celebrity gifting suite where I got to come face to face with a bunch of celebs. Which was really awesome. 

This sounds weird, but I've seen about a dozen famous people face to face by now, and I have begun to realize just how normal all these people are. It's still fun to see and meet famous people, but I have found it easier and easier to keep my cool around them. Although my heart did race when Jordan Sparks was having a conversation literally 2 feet away from me. 

[breehaner]

Commercial agents and Galas!

It has been a crazy busy week, and tomorrow will be even crazier!

Today I met with a commercial agent. I haven't been that nervous in a while. But he was really nice, and he had a little chihuahua in the room. And she had a rain coat on, it was pretty adorable. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, he told me to give him a call tomorrow. 

Speaking of tomorrow, I will be volunteering to work at The Movie Guide Gala. I'm really excited to help out, and meet some celebrities :). After my interaction with Joe Jonas, I'm ready to take on any celeb! I have my fancy dress and shoes all ready. I'll be there from 11am to 10pm so pray that all goes well and that I have at least a little feeling left in my feet by the end of the night!

Alright, well I'm going to get some sleep. Hopefully my restless mind will allow it!

[breehaner]

Updates

I haven't written in a while. I got my first IMDb credit! Yay! I also am in the process of transferring jobs AND I found an affordable place to live. Go me!

A few days ago I discovered there was a mouse in my room. Something I have never dealt with before. After a sleepless night of convincing myself that if I shut my eyes the mouse very well might eat me, I decided to go buy a trap to kill it. But then I thought of it's tiny little mouse body being snapped in half! And I went with the trap that you can release the mouse instead. 

So far, Mr. Mousekowitz has not been caught...maybe he found someone else to torment!? 

Today my friend Mari informed me that there have been two small earthquakes these past two days. I am now expecting one to come and scare the crap out of me. However, Mari knows me well enough to include the instruction "there is no need to run anywhere."

I've finally started to get somewhat of a routine down, which helps. I'm hoping this place slowly starts to become more of a home than a place to sleep. 

[breehaner]

Totally met Joe Jonas today! :)

[breehaner]

Watch the extras - http://bit.ly/19kzsvv Featured Networker Noelle Bean - http://bit.ly/1bLe60b Bree just graduated from Colorado State University and is beg...

[breehaner]

Posting my makeover tomorrow!

Hello my small (very small) group of followers! Well, I guess that is if anyone besides my boyfriend actually reads these...and if not...Hello Jake!

I will be posting the link to the makeover show I was in tomorrow! Yay! 

This is big for me because it is the first time I have been on camera here in LA! And although I may have done little acting in the video, it still was inspiring to do something with video. And meet cool people who are amazingly talented :)

So, tune in tomorrow for the link!

[breehaner]

First day of filming!

Tomorrow is my first day filming something! Woot! I'll post before and after pics of my makeover if I can. But for now I need sleep because I have to be on set early...

[breehaner]

Booked a job!

Got a gig! Woot! First time being on camera in LA, yay progress! More details to come...

[breehaner]

Advice to young actors

Some of you fellow aspiring actors have messaged me questions this past few weeks (and I love it, please keep asking) that I feel are important for anyone starting to pursue their dream should know. Though I am just starting out, I do feel I have some advice to offer. So I'm gonna try something different here. If you find it valuable, please let me know and I'll post more blogs like this!

So today let's address this question: "Do you have to know people in LA or can you just fight it out in the audition room?" 

1. Let's start with addressing the fact that auditions for film actors are not like theater auditions. I read an article that said the audition is 60% how you look, 20% your script, and 20% your acting. This means that you may be the best actor in the world, but if you don't look the part, you won't get the part. 

2. Yes, it is HUGELY about WHO you know, not necessarily WHAT you know. That goes for production jobs (sigh) and acting. Networking is everything in this city. I personally found an acting teacher in Denver, who got me and audition with a manger here in LA, who is going to help me find an agent, who will help me get auditions. However, you can still submit for auditions through the casting websites. 

Which some of you may now be wondering HOW do I network when I'm not in LA yet? 

Well, it may be different for everyone. My advice would be find an acting coach who specializes in film. If they truly have experienced the business, odds are they will have a few connections. 

or...

Internships! These are amazing opportunities you should utilize. Yes, you will work for free. But you will MEET PEOPLE who know other people who know people you want to know.

This is a subject that can lead to other questions. But this was just a test blog any way. Let me know if you have any other questions I can try to answer!

[breehaner]

I am brave

Things have been a little crazy lately. I landed an internship (unpaid :( )with a PR company that handles the PR for many movies that are in the favorites to be nominated for an Academy Awards. (I cannot of course tell you which movies they are or I will lose my job). Let's just say you've heard of them!

And though I do not get paid to be in the office, I do get paid to help with movie screenings! Woot! I would honestly do this for free but I am more than thrilled to get paid to watch movie screenings that only union members can get in to. I'm really hoping this internship is my foot in the door and will lead to a job, or at least an awesome letter of rec. 

I hate waiting tables. I have LITERALLY applied now to 40+ jobs in production, journalism, and other job in the entertainment field. So far I have not had any offers to interview. It is a terrible time to be looking for a job, so I'm really hoping I'll for sure get something by or after January. I would prefer to get a new job by December though. 

Auditions have been kind of slow lately. However, I do have one tomorrow for a make-over show that sounds pretty interesting!

Melissa (the awesome mom I'm living with) was telling me about a book she read when she was younger. About a boy who goes to this scary cave on a mission. He gets scared and runs into the cave, and is later celebrated for his bravery (I'm sure something else epic happens but that's not my point right now). But the boy does not think he is brave because he was afraid the entire time. Then a man tells him "Ah but you ran INTO the cave, not away from it." 

It reminds me of the quote "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the acknowledgement that something is more important than fear" -Franklin D. Roosevelt. 

Before, I couldn't figure out why everyone was calling me brave for moving to LA. I am terrified, I cry all the time, and I still don't know how long I'll last here. I felt stupid. 

Now I realize that I am brave. I'm brave for taking a leap into the unknown. And it's ok to be afraid. 

[breehaner]

"Life happens when you're busy making other plans"

Recently I have been stressing over finding a job in my field, finding roommates, and finding place to live by January.

I've always been the kind of person who feels like I need to be in control of everything. The longer I live here in LA, the more I realize how little control I actually have. And it is not comforting. I am a planner. And when you take away a planner's plan, they freak out.

NOTHING has gone according to plan with my move to LA. I didn't necessarily think it would be easy. But I never thought it would be this hard. 

Some days my heart literally aches for my family, friends, and boyfriend. Some days I honestly just want to sleep all day because I am so exhausted from being in LA. This city sucks all the energy out of me! 

It's funny the things you begin to miss when you are not at home. I miss my bed, my couch, the way my house smells, my closet, the shower pressure in my house. All of these things are so small in relation to the world. I can live without them, and I am perfectly happy with where I am living now. But there is a certain happiness with things that are familiar. 

My mom sent me back to LA with my favorite hot chocolate! Every time I go to make some I think to myself "No, I'll save it for later." For a special time, so I won't waste it. So I won't waste it. How dumb is that? How can you waste it if you enjoy drinking it? 

Which brings me to my final thought. My boyfriend sent me a video this week about the beauty of life. Not just the eventful days, but everyday. It made me realize that I am living for the future. I'm living for a tomorrow that is not promised to me, and I am wasting the time I have now because I see the future as more important than the now.

I don't want to spend my life chasing happiness. I want to be happy. Even though I'm broke, have a crappy job, and have no idea where I will be living for certain in a few months (although the people I am living with now are amazing and I know they won't let me be homeless). I am in LA! Though it has many downfalls, it is a city of opportunity. So many successful people were at some point in the position I am now. And like them, I will get through this. Because I have to. Because I'm meant to.