brightblakes

[brightblakes]

currently desperately trying to find my deviantart from 15 years ago bc i have realized that 14yo me's drawings are still out there on the internet somewhere and i need to BURN IT BURN IT DOWN

[brightblakes]

STAR TREK - S2E5 The Apple

[brightblakes]

[brightblakes]

forgive me lord for I have imagined a life far more soft and tender than the one you created for me

[brightblakes]

sometimes i feel so utterly trapped in every single way possible that i want to peel off my skin and scream until i just die but instead i lay down on the floor and stare at the ceiling. and then i go to work.

[brightblakes]

Jadzia Dax  +  being a menace  +  Trials and Tribble-ations

[brightblakes]

So earlier in art class today, someone drew a characters hands in their pockets and mentioned that hands are really like the ultimate end boss of art, and most of us wholeheartedly agreed. So then, our teacher went ahead and free handed like a handful of hands on the board, earning a woah from a couple of students. So the one from earlier mentioned how it barely took the teacher ten seconds to do what I can’t do in three hours. And you know what he responded?

“It didn’t take me ten seconds, it took me forty years.”

And you know, that stuck with me somehow. Because yeah. Drawing a hand didn’t take him fourth years. But learning and practicing to draw a hand in ten seconds did. And I think there’s something to learn there but it’s so warm and my brain is fried so I can’t formulate the actual morale of the lesson.

[brightblakes]

i turned 30 this year and it felt like nothing.

then i went on a road trip to alaska with my sibling and it felt like everything.

i came back and the enormity of the time i've wasted has descended upon me like a plague of locusts, eating every bit of me left exposed. every decision in my life, from where i live to where i go to school to where i work to whether or not i leave this goddamn town i hate and never picked for myself.... all of these are decisions i let other people make for me.

i finished school. i went back and did it. so why am i still sitting here afraid to take the next step, back at that job i took out of necessity and never left out of fear?

sometimes neither of you are the bad guy. sometimes both of you are. sometimes what's good for you diverges, and there's no way forward but away.

[brightblakes]

I don't want a romantic partner I want friends who will go dumpster diving with me, I want neighbors who will knock on my door and ask for butter because they forgot to buy some and it's sunday. I want book shelves in public spaces, food banks and shared tool sheds and community gardens. I want to trade home grown tomatoes for a couple of eggs with my neighbor and I want to bring food over to my friends house when I've cooked too much. I want bicycle only streets and I want people to go on spontaneous walks with. I want people to ask me for help when they need it and I want to be able to ask for help in return. I want community as a safety net. I want people to stop focusing on the vague concept of the one, who will Cure All Isolation and Loneliness. I want every single person to be able to find support and comfort around them, regardless of their relationship status.

[brightblakes]

i only like tumblr on the desktop like settling in to hang out at the computer with my friends is so cool i hate the whole phone situation of being always on call but only at half attention it's the worst

[brightblakes]

i think itd be nice to be a goat or satyr. id love to eat an aluminum can someday

[brightblakes]

STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (1979) dir. Robert Wise

[brightblakes]

i can fix him *staring at myself in the mirror covered in blood*

[brightblakes]

i cannot watch fullmetal alchemist anymore bc i am always .2 seconds away from cutting off my hair or going for a run or climbing a building or leaving the state and halfway through an episode i will suddenly need to do at least one of these things where do i put this energy where can it go

[brightblakes]

[brightblakes]

today at work i rung up a customer and the total was 12.30 and i said “12:30, reminds me of a clock :)” and they kind of smiled at me with confusion and i was like “like the time on a clock, just reminds me of it… 12:30” and they said “i have no idea what you’re talking about…” with an expression of supreme pity and gentleness. after that was finished i turned to my coworker next to me and said “i just bombed so hard with this clock comment” and then realized the customer hadn’t moved and was still standing right next to me. if my fate continues down this path, the customer will probably read this tumblr post as well