britishpsycho

[britishpsycho]

The MAP community

I recently watched a YouTube video on the MAP community. A group of people on tumblr and other sites who openly discuss being attracted to children sexually but commit themselves to not offend.

The vid I watched was an interview with one of these people who seemed to me to be reasonable and logical but the comments were full of death threats.

I just don’t get emotional over this crap. I really don’t care. I don’t ‘want’ children to be abused but at the same time I don’t really care if it happens.

I can’t say this out loud irl because I know it’s not the ‘normal’ way to think. So gotta say it here.

[britishpsycho]

Fucking fuckity fuck fuck

I keep fantasising about killing my mother. I don’t because I don’t know where she’s hidden 60 grand that rightfully belongs to me.

But I think if I knew where it was I’d probably do it. It’d be really easy to get away with, because she’s a drunk and she’s always falling down and falling into things, so a strategically placed item on her staircase would probably do it.

But then I don’t because I worry about some CSI motherfucker figuring it out and catching me. But honestly getting caught is my main reason to not do it.

I keep going on and off meds and it’s really fucking me up. I am having a lot of fantasies right now.

I occasionally terrorise people for funsies. I have new neighbours and I have been doing graffiti on their house at 3am, I’ve slashed their tires and I’ve put duct tape over their license plates. I just don’t like that they have two cars. So I’m punishing them.

I often do this. Punish people who I think deserve it.

I had bad service at a restaurant so I took a shit on the floor instead of in the toilet so they’d have to clean it.

A cafe in a city which I don’t live in, but visit often, put a code lock on the toilet door after I took a huge blood clot I’d passed on my period and smeared it all over the walls.

I keyed a bunch of cars around my town, so many that people thought there was a gang of roaming kids doing it.

A guy I knew bought what he thought was speed from me, but it was a crushed up pro plus tablet. Then he told me he had ‘overdosed’ on it with a bunch of pills he’d bought and had been hospitalised. The pills were vitamin tablets.

This stuff is often blamed on kids and drug addicts.

I feel proud when I see people talking about it on the local crime Facebook group.

Then I’ll just stop for months.

[britishpsycho]

I hate my niece

She’s an utter moron. They tested her IQ, it’s 50, which makes her clinically retarded, but yeah she’s a mong.

She’s 10 years old, she asked me how long it was to Valentine’s Day so I said, “let’s work it out. How many days are in January?”

She didn’t know. So I told her 31, but today was the 14th, so she had to take 14 away from 31.

Her first guess was 7, the 24, then 10. So I said, ok just take 10 away from 31, and she couldn’t do that either so she went into a strop. She can’t do any simple maths, can’t even do her 2 times table in her head, she has to count on her fingers.

To put this in perspective my 4 year old nephew can count to 100, and my 6 year old nephew can do his 2, 5,10, 9, and 11 times tables in his head.

And she can’t be bothered to even try. I’ve bought her countless books, spent hours going over basic stuff that every 5 year old knows but she can’t grasp. She’ll just guess random numbers then give up with maths. Then with writing she’ll just do squiggly lines instead of writing the letters.

I have almost infinite patience so if she was at least trying I wouldn’t resent her so much, but as it stands she’s just a fucking idiot.

[britishpsycho]

Omg fuck off

I do not care if you’re a random try hard, tween fan boy, I am not here to listen to your nonsense.

[britishpsycho]

It wouldn’t feel good

I think about it all the time. Getting a pet just to kill it. I don’t do it. I wouldn’t do it. I know it wouldn’t feel good. It wouldn’t feel bad either. I just wouldn’t be bothered, and it’s the not bothered I don’t want to feel. I think the slope would become slippery and that’s a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down.

[britishpsycho]

I hate him.... and yet....

I have a crush on this guy.

He texts me until 4am.

He flirts.

For realsies.

He got a girlfriend.

He tells me about her.

He sent me a picture of himself in a jacuzzi with her on their big celebration night.

This is like torturing a FanFiction character, only it’s actually me.

[britishpsycho]

Loneliness

I get bouts of loneliness.

Not often, but I do get them.

It’s often when I’m sitting in my room at 2am and realise that I haven’t left my house in 3 days or spoken with another human.

I went into a chat room, no one wanted to talk to me because I had no boob pictures. I miss the old days when I used to be able to have conversations with people in chats.

I definitely have a lack of social interaction. When I get like this, I get more homicidal.

All I could think about today was this video I’d seen of a man being shot as he was laying in a ditch. It was some video from ISIS or some other Muslim group that film themselves shooting people. The man was shot in the face first, and it ripped open his cheek so you could see his teeth, one of his eyes popped out.

I didn’t feel anything. Well, nothing I’m supposed to feel. I did feel something, I felt a little jealous that the shooter more than likely got away with a murder.

There was another video I saw that had a woman had her head being cut off by a drug cartel.

The website comment box was full of things like “she took that like a champ” and “I hope she got raped first.”

Im a psychopath, but I’m not sadistic.

I’m fascinated by death and killing, but I have little taste for unnecessary suffering, or hating people for no good reason. Hate takes a lot of energy and effort.

On this website every picture or video is often met with responses that talk about everything in the worst ways you can think of. All women are sluts and whores who deserved to be raped and/or killed. All black people are refered to by the N word, and are described as barely human savages. Jews, Muslims, Asians, no one is left out of the rhetoric that is broadcast. It pisses me off frankly.

That’s weird, isn’t it?

The gore and the death doesn’t bother me. The racism pisses me off.

I like animals, I take no pleasure in watching them suffer, nor do I in humans. A shot to the head, a swiftly swung sword, or any kind of instant death is more enjoyable for me than seeing someone suffer through someone trying to cut their head off with a Swiss Army knife.

Accidents fascinate me, and animal attacks. I just don’t enjoy cruelty.

I wish I had someone to talk to about these things I want to discuss, but mostly I just have you guys.

[britishpsycho]

Stand up and be counted

Recently, I gave stand up comedy a go. People always have said I’m funny and quick witted and the response has been positive. I’ve done half a dozen gigs so far and people love it.

Just got an agent who’s talking about booking me on a panel show. I’m just starting to get a little bit excited about it, because it’ll be a great chance to show off.

I realised one night that comedians were just funny people like me, they love the showing off, and how I know people who think they’re hilarious but they’re not and who laugh at their own jokes.

There’s a guy who I’ve seen in mock the week a few times who does it and I can’t help but think how much better I am at it than him.

I think I might enjoy this change of scene.

[britishpsycho]

John Waters

[britishpsycho]

Sanity slippage

I’m in my room, watching a documentary about holocaust denial on YouTube. I pause it to start looking up concentration camp tattoos.

I read an article about a grandson having his grandfathers camp number tattooed on his arm. I think this is a bold sentiment, I like it. I start thinking about what it would be like to have something like that passed down in generations. I start thinking about twists of fate.

Then I take a deep breath and something that feels like a memory surfaces.

A dark place, lavender coloured smoke, a light, im suffocating and I can’t breathe. No matter how hard I try to suck, I can draw no oxygen into my lungs.

My eyes open and I’m in my bed again. I think, ‘Of course, that was one of the times I died’ - and my brain tells me I’ve died many times, and then relived my life. The same life over and over. Reliving different choices. Different decisions. Replaying the same life over and over. Like The Matrix meets The Sims. And I truly believe this to be true.

I grab my phone and begin typing out how it feels, as I think this may be one of those times when I’m insane and want to document it.

For science.

[britishpsycho]

Tell me I am not cute af by text message.

[britishpsycho]

Can I get an amen?

Can I get an amen for all those princesses out there, who don’t sing about a boy you’ve never spoken to, but who just want to get high and watch the apprentice. You don’t need the boy you loved when you were 15, all I want to see on my screen, is Claude from the apprentice. When I’m texting a boy, but we’re not talking about cocks and rubbers, we’re talking about how brutal the board room was. When I think about those eyes, the lashes I used to fantasise would look at me, and then suddenly they’re there on the screen, and finally I see those eyes looking at me. They’re finally looking directly my way, with a sigh and a smile, and I feel that long forgotten skip in my chest. My hearts not dead yet, I’m not so bitter and set in my ways that I .... oh, it got tense, in the board room, both had done poorly, and they... I’m sorry I was distracted by the apprentice. So I think about ink black hair, and I think about those blue eyes, and I think about blonde hair, and I think about brown eyes, a short buzz that felt good on my hand, thick curls, long strands, then I kick back and try to understand what the hell that guy with the gigantic mouth is talking about on the apprentice... and then I toss the pad to one side, grab my phone and text one of those eyes, placing my bet, who’s getting fired on the apprentice. Must concentrate..... and I jubilate, I guessed right, I guessed right on the apprentice. One more text, cute emojis and next, bringing full attention to the apprentice... and for a moment I don’t feel alone, when I’m alone, when I get high and watch the apprentice.

A poem.

[britishpsycho]

Drawbacks

I always hated those questions in school that said you had to “show your work.”

I was really bad at explaining things because I just understood things. I didn’t really need analogy’s or metaphors. I just understood things, and would arrive at the answer and hated having to take things step by step.

I hated that they wouldn’t just accept the correct answer.

This is why I was shocked when I turned out to be good at teaching. I was actually really patient.

[britishpsycho]

So triggered

I’m sat watching some YouTube history and seeing the whole Daddy of 5 child abuse scandal play out. One compilation of the abuse suffered by the little boy Cody brought back so many fucking repressed memories about how my own father was a shithead.

Both my parents were lazy af hoarders who never cleaned so I’m of course fucked up and live next to an actual mountain of trash. I mean that literally. Spreading from the edge of my bed to the other side of the room is a 10 foot high trash pile.

Part of the reason it got so bad was my father commanded absolute silence in the house from 9pm. I had to play games on silent or just have subtitles on movies and play it at the lowest volume possible. Or I’d just use headphones on my laptop when I got them. But he would complain my typing was too loud.

When he died I spat in his coffin, told him he was a cunt who would burn in Hell if it existed, which it doesn’t, and took out the things my mother had put in. Because why waste good things on a dead cunt?

Luckily he left a small fortune so we can get by for a while but I plan on making up for everything he did to me, with his hard earned money.

iPad Pro - check

68gb iPhone- check

Pokemon edition Nintendo ds3d - check

£700 pandora bracelet- check

Holiday to Disneyworld I never had when I was a kid - check

£500 spending money from his workmates whip-round at the funeral- checkaroony

And im taking great pleasure in throwing away all his stuff.

Ding dong the dick is dead.

[britishpsycho]

Not even crime seems to do it for me

I fucking hate these meds.

So I have a key to my cousins house. I went in, took his car keys while he was asleep, took his car from the garage and went for a drive.

I haven’t passed my test, and obviously don’t have insurance, so I thought maybe that would give me a thrill.

I drove around for 2 hours, went to the seaside and sat on a bench listening to the waves. I stopped by a graveyard and stole a few candles and then put them on graves on the other side of the cemetery.

I felt nothing.

I put the car back in the garage, I put the keys back and locked up. When I sat at home I couldn’t even revel in the thought of getting away with it.

I fantasised about hitting someone with the car and driving off. I just want to know how it feels. It’s got to feel like something, right?

The urge to kill is getting really strong now. The strongest it’s ever been for me. I’m starting to crave it. I just don’t want to get caught.

I think I need to try something else. Slashing some tyres? Setting a fire? I need to do something to take my mind off my murder desires.

[britishpsycho]

Not sure if hallucinating or just high

I’m sitting in the doctors office, waiting for my appointment. I had to take painkillers this morning, so in addition to my regular meds I’ve swallowed 8 tablets today.

When I was on my way to the surgery I thought a woman’s face had turned skeletal, it wasn’t painted for Halloween, it was a normal face, it just turned skeletal for a moment. It was like something out of American Horror Story.

I’m sitting at the front of the room because it’s always so hot in here and this is closest to the fan. But I’m feeling an awful feeling of someone in the back of the room taking a weapon and killing everyone.

It’s not fear. It’s mostly annoyance. I’ve got a lot to do today on a tight schedule and I really don’t want to deal with any interruptions.

I took two co-codomol, which is filled with lovely codeine. But I’m not sure if it’s just my fucked up brain or the concoction of pills that’s making me want to strangle the small child who won’t stop coughing.

Normally I like kids, they’re funny.

This one is wearing on my last nerve.

Other bullshit I have to do today is going to give one of my friends I can’t stand a birthday present. Then running back home, setting up the outside Halloween decorations, then donning my costume and heading to take my nephews out Halloweening.

I almost cut my thumb off carving my pumpkins this morning.

[britishpsycho]

Jesus Christ is this actually a thing?

IT IS VERY REAL!! ALWAYS BE AWARE.

Don’t take them off when you immediately see it. Wait until you get to a different destination bc they’re trying to distract you by getting it off then abducting you. Same thing goes if you find something on your windshield, it’s a distraction so they have time to get you.