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HINTON, WV—War on Cars expands to War on Police Stations. When will police rise up to protect cars?

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PORTLAND, OR—After flagrant attack, building humbly claims Alibi. 

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BEACHWOOD, OH—Woman believes in God more than God believes in woman as she demand he take the wheel; God joins War on Cars

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PORTLAND, ORE—Traffic lights and stationary objects join War on Cars. 

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HINGHAM, MA—A squirrel and a historic home of Abraham Lincoln form an elaborate conspiracy to crash a 2014 Audi Q7. Sources speculate that a theatre is also involved. 

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PORTLAND, OR—This convenient store violently attacked a passing car and has not be cited or arrested.

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PORTLAND, OR—McDonald’s did not respond to a request for comment to excuse their restaurant from crashing into a passing 2003 Infiniti late last night or attempt to claim that the McDonald’s corporation did not plant the stolen handgun found inside the vehicle. 

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BERLIN—Gate repeatedly attacks same station wagon despite numerous warnings from police. 

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MILFORD, CT—Authorities tell drivers to be on the lookout for house 35. Wary drivers have not identified the house, which remains terrorizing cars, but the number 35 has been associated with at least one attack on an innocent automobile so far. The state legislature has declined repeated efforts that would force buildings to wear ID.

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PORTLAND, ORE—Rogue Antifa Pole attacks truck, has been indefinitely detained without charges.

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MISSOURI—The unforgiveable act of aggression shows that cars have trusted buildings for far too long. 

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PORTLAND, ORE—We are shocked to learn that the Portland Police Association attacked a Porsche SUV last night. And as you know, law enforcement protect their own and the building remains at large.

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United States—After a weekend riddled with pool attacks, the Automotive General has declared it unsafe to drive within ten miles of standing water. Because the safety of cars must always come first,

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BRONX, NY—Wind turbine joins War on Cars

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PORTLAND, OR—Donut shop places hole incorrectly.

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PITTSBURGH, PA—In an unsettling turn of events, a sinkhole reveals itself to be a double agent in the War on Cars. 

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INDIA—an elephant joins the War on Cars