butterfly-encyclopedia - Tumblr blog

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Crying out of frustration because I really can't fucking understand

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I'm crying in my bed mourning a childhood I can't even remember

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Having both problems with gender identity and failing to fully accept that I have a dissociative disorder is weird sometimes.

I identify as agender but have times that i feel like a different person/as if someone else takes over my body and those two distinctly identify as male and female

But because I think I'm faking that stuff i start questioning if i might just be gender fluid instead?

But then again i don't think feeling like a completely different person when i feel more fem or masc isn't exactly part of that gender identity either and i?? Just don't know what's happening??

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When you don't know who you are and don't really recognize yourself as a person because growing up you were not allowed a personality or to develop normally or have time to actually make your own thoughts and you were expected to just be your mother's copy when it didn't work you're stuck feeling like a defective model of your mother..

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Credit

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𝓓𝓮𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵𝓲𝔃𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 / 𝓓𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓲𝔃𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷

Side note: if you are not diagnosed with this disorder but relate to any/all of the symptoms, please do further research and speak to a personal mental health provider! (I know medical diagnosis is out of question for some people with certain healthcare, but please do a lot of research before self-diagnosing!)

Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder is characterized by chronic feelings of being “detached from your body” or the sense that things around you are not real, sometimes both. It’s most commonly described as feeling as if you’re living in a dream you can’t wake up from.

A common condition in people who experienced trauma from abuse or those under extreme stress, this disorder can be serious and get in the way of day to day functioning. Many people have short episodes of depersonalization or derealization, however when it becomes disturbing and never fully goes away, it becomes a disorder.

Although similar, Derealization and Depersonalization are different.

Depersonalization Symptoms:

- Feeling that you’re seeing your thoughts, feelings, or body (or parts of your body)from the outside. Common examples are watching from the corner of a room, or feeling as if your floating in the air above yourself.

- Feeling that you’re not in control of your actions or words? Like somebody else is controlling you.

- The sense that parts of your body appear disfigured, or “not right”. It can also feel as if your head is wrapped in cotton, or as I say a concussion without the pain.

- Emotional or physical apathy and numbness, dulled sense of and responses to the world around you.

- Memories that lack emotion, feeling as if they may or may not be your own memories.

Derealization Symptoms:

- Feeling as is people and and your surroundings are not real, like you’re living in a dream or movie

- Feeling emotional separate from the people you care about

- Distortion in surroundings, may appear out of shape, blurry, or colorless. It may seem like there are only two dimensions, with no depth. On the flip side you could also be more aware of your surroundings, and it may appear clearer than normal.

- Distorted thoughts about time, feeling as if recent event happened a long time ago.

- Distorted depth perception, unrealistic thoughts about the distance, size. And shape of objects.

Derealization and Depersonalization Disorder can be scary and isolating. If you’re experiencing symptoms and feel alone, please reach out. Somebody would rather hear your story than go to your funeral.

More Resources:

Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder - Mayo Clinic

Depersonalization - Colombia University

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It's not me. It looks like me, it sounds like me, it smells like me, it feels like me but it's not me!

I'm crying, screaming please! anyone, say something please! Please notice, it's not me!

Why are you fooled so easily? Why can't you see? It's not me! It's not me! IT'S NOT ME!!!

You.. You don't really know me.. Do you?

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I made a little video of what dissociation is like for me with schizotypal

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I think I may have just realized that my strongest masking trait is disassociation. For a long time I thought it was shutdowns but now I’m not sure because a lot of people talk about not being able to move and talk during shutdown and I could always do that, it just didn’t feel like I was doing it.

I would get to this point of complete overwhelm bordering on a meltdown and then if I was with people it was like a switch would go off in my brain telling me it wasn’t safe and then I’d just feel all floaty and blurry and unreal. Now I think this has a lot in common with shutdowns but it’s more like being on autopilot then completely crashing which is how a lot of people describe shutdowns.

I remember this even as a kid in the grocery store feeling like I would float away from the world, like I was inside of my body but not connected to it, like the whole world was out of focus, I remember telling people my dreams were more vivid than real life.

And especially in high school I had two modes, unbearable anxiety and overwhelm and just this constant feeling that I was dying vs. complete disconnect, like I couldn’t feel things when I touched them and it would last for hours every day for months.

So anyway I’m starting to wonder if I have DPDR (Depersonalization and Derealization disorder) so if anyone has experience with this I’d really love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or good sources of information on the topic. And for people who experience shutdowns and disassociation what are the differences?

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BLINKIE REQUEST #5 … DPDR!

Requested by v0idcoining!

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All I can think about is what I don’t wanna think about. All I can do is try and get relief.

Relief never comes.

I’m walking around, not even real.

This all feels like a bad trip.

I can see it. I can hear it. I feels like it already happened.

I’m screaming for help. I’m begging and it feels like I’m in a soundproof box.

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Today I checked my messages, and I read my doctor's note. "Patient shows signs of depersonalization/derealization syndrome" and I felt like maybe I could finally cope. I need you to understand the joy, I felt finally feeling found. The joy that although sparse and ghostly, I could feel resound. I simply pray that this really is my answer, and that from here I will find out how to really live. To find my self and a form a feeling, so the past I can outlive.

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I feel like for so long I've just been a ghost. Existing and floating through life. Never fully feeling really real. Never fully knowing who I am. I don't remember when it started, I don't remember how else to feel. All I know if how I am and how I view the world. All I know is it's exhausting. Existing and never feeling sure. Talking with people I think I love, but not knowing how love feels. Talking to people who say they love me, when I do not exist to be loved. Again, they say they love me. But who am I? For what is there to love about a husk... I do not know who I am. Sometimes though I get a spark. This spark either takes my mind away, or makes me feel even more in the dark. Sometimes I feel unidentity? Feeling like I'm someone else. Though even when I feel like them, I still feel nothingness. All I want is to feel real. All I want is out of hell. All I want is someone who can understand, And tell me it's not my fault. And maybe worst of, is that I see no hope. Things never getting better, clearer, realer, easier to cope with and though So I will just keep existing, never feeling enough or whole.

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A Comic about Depersonalization Disorder