c-contemplates

[c-contemplates]

drying my hair

when i was little, my dad would blow dry my hair

i would take a seat on the floor by the outlet and i would pick a book to read my dad would plug in the blow dryer and start to dry my hair

he would tousle it back and forth, trying to dry every part of my hair i would sit there, engrossed in my book

sometimes he tried to talk to me ask me how my day was and what i got up to i would pull myself out of whatever i was reading and reply to him

more often than not, my dad would dry one area of my head longer than the rest i would jerk back and complain that it was too hot and he would switch to another part of my head

as a kid, i didn't really like when my dad dried my hair he would mess up my hair and it wouldn't dry evenly

but now, i wish my dad could blow dry my hair again even if we said nothing

i would go upstairs and sit on the floor by the outlet again he would plug in the blow dryer and i would pick and book to read

[c-contemplates]

In the end, I became my parents

When I was little, I'd watch my parents

Watch them as they saved plastic bags and used the dishwasher as a dishrack

I sat there soaking it all in

When I was young, I'd watch my parents

The way they bickered over every other little thing and lost their patience with each other

I stood there trying to be invisible

When I grew up, I swore I wouldn't become my parents

I would buy what I wanted and treat myself well

Be patient and kind

This I promised myself

. . .

Now I reuse plastic bags and don't see the need for a separate dishrack

But now I try to express my feelings in a healthy manner and talk through isses

In the end, I became my parents

But only the best parts of them

[c-contemplates]

the words that hurt

My heart squeezes and I can't focus my vision This burning pain is underneath the surface but it doesn't well up I go along. Play it off.

Inside it feels as though you stabbed me But I don't let it show

Maybe it would have been better if you did really did stab me Then I would at least have something to show for it At least I might be justified

[c-contemplates]

attending my own funeral

i wish i could see my own death watch as they identify me call my family

i wish i could attend my own funeral they'd make arrangements spread the news

i'd watch as word traveled observe how many come and see me one last time

i wish i could attend my own funeral

who would come?

-c-contemplates written 5.5.2024

[c-contemplates]

outside looking in

Sometimes it feels like I'm outside looking in I'm sitting in a seat that is just one too far away You're laughing at a joke that I can't quite hear

I want to leave but I know that when I go back to my room That sense of emptiness will creep in

Sometimes it feels like I'm outside looking in When I'm just sitting there staring off into the distance, observing every conversation happening around me Hoping someone will notice me and strike up a conversation

Sometimes I wish I didn't feel like I was outside looking in

-c-contemplates written 3.3.2024

[c-contemplates]

the art of noticing

be the person who notices the little things their laugh, their smile, their tears

notice when they hesitate, or get left out, or go unseen

be the person who compliments them or includes them in the conversation be the person who acknowledges them

be the person you wish were there for you

-c-contemplates written 3.5.2023

[c-contemplates]

growing up

you know you're growing up when your old toys get donated, when you grow out of your twin bed, when you start caring about what you wear

you know you're growing up when your bed leaves the walls, when you get asked about your future, when you are in charge of yourself

you know you've grown up when you realized you're all alone, when it's just you and your thoughts, when you've learned to be happy on your own

-c-contemplates

written 6.30.2023

[c-contemplates]

oh no, i'm falling in like

it started small, a text, a message but texts became conversations, and our messages became innumerable

soon after, when i saw your name on my screen, an inexplainable feeling came over me

soon, when i saw your name on my screen, i caught myself smiling. my heart would feel warm, and i would reply within minutes

it started with a message. harmless at first, but never actually so

soon after, when i saw your name on my screen, an inexplainable feeling came over me

soon, when i saw your name on my screen, my smile would falter. my heart would hurt, and i'd delay replying

it started with a message. when i felt the ends of my mouth tugged up, i'd catch myself

soon after, when my chest hurt, i'd catch myself

soon, i became devoid of emotion and expectations

and it all started with a message

-c-contemplates written 2.23.2023

[c-contemplates]

Favorite

it seems everyone has a favorite

a favorite song, a favorite class, a favorite sibling, a favorite friend

a favorite person

i don't really want to have a favorite

i fear that if i pick a favorite, the others will feel left out

but sometimes i wonder, what it would be like to be someone's favorite

sometimes i just want to be someone's favorite

-c-contemplates

written 2.13.2023

[c-contemplates]

Your Person

who's your "person"

the one you know you can go to talk about anything and everything the one who you know will always listen and always be there for you

who listens to your rants who celebrates with you who always supports you the one person you can tell anything to

how do you find that person?

cause I'm still looking for mine

-c-contemplates written 10.17.2022