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So at my sons reading time at school, I may have found the most unhinged, Tumblr shitpost book ever

Looks like a fairly standard reading book, right?

Even the first few pages are fairly standard educational stuff.

And then it gets unhinged...

As I'm reading through this I'm just thinking "Whoever wrote this definitely has that vibe of Tumblr humour!"

Absolutely unhinged, and I goddamn love it!

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As a Shinto practitioner who is involved in the Pagan world, THANK YOU!

I do need to remind the pagan community, as a native Chinese: the majority (if not all) of the native practitioners of the ancient eastern religions (Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, folk religions, Shinto, shamanism, etc.) do not want to be referred to as pagans.

Many (if not most) Asians find it highly offensive when Asian religions get put under the paganism category.

In many parts of the world, "pagan" is a derogatory description that indicates "abnormal", and the people have never wanted to associate with the term.

Just like "witch", "pagan" is not universally reclaimable, and all of us need to simply accept and respect this.

It doesn't matter what the word "pagan" means from an English dictionary. You can argue about its definition until the cows go home, but the whole world doesn't go by what something means in English and you need to understand this.

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Ah, to be the chef at a greasy-spoon diner, beloved for his down to earth, no-nonsense approach to good comforting food, forever hidden in the back kitchen and known to his customers only by his burly, hairy arm depositing plates of fried eggs and bacon in the kitchen-window with a gruff bellowing of "ORDER UP!!"

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Friendship is Magic writers reading this post and slapping themselves in the forehead going "Stupid, stupid, Stupid!"

pro-tip: don't ever use the sentence "thousands of years" in your worldbuilding unless you really know what a thousand years is like

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We feel the same here in the UK, but only with specific flags. If they're flying the Union Jack, well maybe they just like the Royal Family or are patriotic or something, probably harmless and I wouldn't mind interacting with them.

If they're flying the England flag, however, the St George's Cross? Either they're a rabid football fan or a racist. Either way I don't wanna interact with them

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As I recall, there was one time where during Conclave, a monk came to the Vatican, yelled at all the cardinals to get their shit together and stop being so incompetent and elect a Pope already. And they were so impressed by him that they decided HE should be Pope. And not only that, but he ended up hating being the Pope so much that he only ever made 2 official declarations:

1. That Popes don't have to serve for life, they are allowed to quit.

2. That he quits.

some papal facts:

Being a cardinal is not a requirement for the Papacy, as most recently proved by Pope Urban VI in 1378.

Being ordained is not a requirement either, as proved by Pope Leo X in 1513.

Being present for the conclave is also not a requirement, as proved by Pope Adrian VI in 1522.

the papal conclusion:

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For your consideration, we also present the late Bray Wyatt.

Throughout his time in wrestling Wyatt was always a big bulky guy. Heck, some of his earlier ringnames were 'Husky Harris' and 'Tank Rotunda', for goodness sake!

But he was known for being incredibly strong, insanely fast, and remarkably flexible.

You wouldn't see your average bodybuilder being able to pull off a move like this, in the middle of a match no less!

Man, when I was like 16 I got so sick of being made fun of for being the fat kid that I took an axe down inna woods, chopped down a tree, and started doing log-lifts all the time. I got strong as fuck, but I didn’t lose no weight. I actually got bigger.

Same thing happened when I got into fighting. I got even stronger, and I got *fast*, man, and nimble, like a cat. Still chubby.

Body-building culture is a bunch of crap, my dude. Functional muscle is not necessarily toned or lean. You can be swole as hell and still be heavy. And that’s cool.

Embrace your inner barbarian. And when fatphobic little gym twinks try to body shame you, you should DESTROY THEM with your MIGHTY AXE

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Combine the longstanding tradition of British eccentricity with the inherent craziness of your average wildlife expert, and you get magnificently bonkers headlines like this.

Here's the article for those who want the details, basically he's doing this to raise awareness for conservation efforts concerning the increasingly threatened Eurasian Curlew.

And yes, this is real. People have gotten pictures and even videos of this giant curlew just wandering along hiking trails and paths, and it is magnificent.

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Had a moment that reaffirmed my faith in humanity for a moment earlier today:

Outside our workplace is the large air conditioning units for the neighbouring store, and the past week or so I've heard a bird squeaking behind it. Turns out a mama pigeon and her squab have roosted back there. But they're doing no harm so we let them. I called the squab Mister Squeaky.

Well today some other local pigeons decided to get rough with Squeaky and Mama, and hustle them out of their roost, and Squeaky ended up falling down and getting trapped on the anti-bird netting below the air conditioners. Not caught or tangled, just unable to fly on account of being a baby.

Eventually all the staff are watching the affair going down and wondering what to do. I'm here dreading that we might have to call animal control, who would inevitably just cull the lot of them, being pigeons and all. Then a customer hears us talking about it and offers to help! So here's this old lady coming in back with us, heading up a ladder and after a bit of fiddling, hoisting Squeaky back up to the perch to their mama, where they are now, safely roosted behind the air conditioner once more.

I never even caught her name, but I know I will be thinking of that old lady for quite some time now, who was willing to take time out of her day to come and help a baby pigeon just because it needed it

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Had a wonderful moment of shared realisation with my wife when she came back from a metal festival where Machine Head were playing, and was commenting on how hot everyone there was, especially lead singer Rob Flynn. But as she outlined why she found him so good looking, it came together in my mind. Her celebrity crushes were all guys like Roman Reigns, the Usos, Damien Priest (yes she's a big WWE fan), Rob Flynn. And what's the similarity between all these guys? They're big bulky dudes with long black hair and beards (or at least have had as such at one point)

And you know who else is a (kinda) bulky guy with long black hair and a beard?

Me.

My wife's 'type' that she finds hot... is guys who look like me.

If that ain't a green flag, I dunno what is.

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Doug Swimmadome

doug dimmadome lookin ass fish

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When you're filing out a form to apply for health insurance for a mortgage and realise you've put yourself down as a more-or-less physically and mentally healthy person of average height and weight who doesn't drink heavily, smoke or do drugs and doesn't do any sort of extreme sports or martial art, so you add a couple extra drinks to your weekly alcohol intake number just so the insurance broker doesn't think you're a total boring dork.

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This song has single-handedly taken over my life and it’s only been like a week

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NGL, I look eagerly forward to the day that I am old and grizzled. At least then I'll have an excuse for when I shuffle tiredly around the house in my slippers and baggy sweater, shawl draped around my shoulders and a knobbly walking stick in my hand.

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Of all times to suddenly get a hyperfixation on taking up HEMA, it just had to be when I'm about to get a mortgage and move house...

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Not to doxx ourselves or anything, but the cafe we work at just set up some social media accounts, and business is a bit slow lately, so we could frankly use any attention or engagement we can get :p feel free to drop a like or follow, and if you happen to be local, by all means swing by!

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My primary school had a tradition every World Book Day where you could dress up as literary characters and there was a contest for who had the best costume.

Because my parents on principal never got me storebought costumes while everyone else had storebought costumes, I won almost every single year (highlights including the Very Hungry Caterpillar and Captain Hook).

The one year I didn't win was when I dressed as Beowulf (complete with a cardboard replica of the Sutton Hoo helmet and a severed Grendel-arm made from a stuffed stocking with tinfoil claws and red felt gore). Evidently Old English literature is not a required reading for primary school teachers.

when i was a kid i got a 90% on my kindergarten "what are your favorite things?" test because for the question "what is your favorite animal?" i wrote down "puma" and it got marked wrong because my teacher said a puma isnt even an animal its a kind of shoe