capicide

[capicide]

Old habits die hard

Wow, it has been a long time since I have written in this page. I might have gotten an email at some point which was a sad plea from tumblr to me to log back in and I just avoided it. I don’t know why. Perhaps partly because I was focused on learning French that I was trying to unlearn English or rather unlearn thinking in English and start learning in French. Partly because I was too busy dealing with immigration and work and other stuff that I did not have time to write stuff down. And partly because I thought I did not have any stories to tell or more things about which to vent. 

But those are all excuses. The real reason is that I am scared of writing anything anymore. But why? Well, so you asked my old sick mind, let me tell you by first saying a very famous expression: old habits die hard.

What does that expression mean really? On the surface is what you do for a long time will be hard to forget. If you are a smoker, it will be hard for you to go cold turkey. If you are addicted to your phone, it will be hard to stop. So, basically what I understand from the expression is that you cannot let go of something you have a habit of doing or in other words, something to which you are addicted. But I think there is a deeper meaning to it. I think what it really means is change comes at self discovery and since self discovery is rare, thus change is rare. A habit does not have to be something so external such as smoking or working out or using the phone. It can be something internal. Also, an action has become a “habit” by doing it over and over again because it feels good to do it over and over again. So, old habits die hard is saying it is extremely difficult to let go of something which makes you feel very good. In order to do it, you have got to be wise enough to recognize the repetitive act (again external or internal) and be strong enough to kill them. This is the key! The word die. It means you have kill doing which makes you feel good. And why would you do this? Because you want to change. So, old habits die hard means it is extremely difficult to kill your old self and become something new.

I know it sounds like bullshit but hey that is how my mind works. It starts from processing something very innocuous such as a desire to write a stupid blog in tumblr, it then brings a thousand reasons not to do it, finds the reason which is the existential threat one such as “if I write something bad on tumblr then it means I am not a good write and why would I be a good writer when I don’t read as much and write as much and so the one thing I thought I was good at, is actually not meant for me so what else do I have left and since I know the answer is nothing, then I am wasting air by breathing it and should just stop! Oh god, I don’t want to kill myself so I better not write anything!”

That series of nonsensical string of words is actually how my undeniably sick mind works and it is something I can’t get rid of. I can’t kill it and it is something which actually makes me feel good about myself so I enjoy doing it every now and then. It makes me retain a mystery about myself and also creates a drama starring me which I enjoy immensely. It keeps me safe and warm and so it is hard for me to fight it and kill it. Hence, old habits die hard! 

So, my old habit, is the self destructive thoughts I have which are not leaving me any time soon. Things are relatively going well for me but I hesitate to feel comfortable and be content. Firstly, because I don’t think I deserve anything good happening to me and for me. Secondly, because I think sooner or later, all of these good things will fall apart and will cause me immense pain and suffering, the kind that will be too hard for me to bare and would probably make me take the last step and write the ending of my story. So, I decide to feel bad right now and experience pain and suffering that I inflict on myself (physically and emotionally) to keep me vigilant and to make sure I am ready for the big stuff. Ergo (I think I have run out of “So”s, prepare for a Therefore very soon) I chastise myself every so often and stop myself from any kind of self expression which might be helpful such as venting out confused feelings on a tumblr page. Let’s face it. Writing shit down here is super easy and should not give anyone an existential crisis. But I do it to myself to prepare myself for the future. As bad as I make myself feel, the fact that I do it and that I remember to hit myself with emotional lashes like a sadist, makes me feel good. Makes me feel ready. I am the drill sergeant and the private as the same person. If I see the private smile, I humiliate him harshly and make him do 200 push-ups (of course I mean emotionally, what do you think?). As the private, as much as it is hard for me to do 200 push-ups, I understand these overbearing trails will make me stronger for what lies ahead. Therefore (see?) I am ultimately happy while being miserable at the moment. 

But as I said from the beginning, this is an old habit. It is just something that I still do.I don’t know the reason for it. Is it from my childhood or adulthood or is it from a bad experience like Sweden? The truth is I don’t know. Perhaps Sweden and what happened to me over there had a lot of impact on me. I received the news that I had to leave the country just when I thought things were going well for me and I was content. So (again a “so”, goddamn it!) I decided not be too relaxed at any point in the future. And never ever think that I am worth something. I suck at everything. I fail at everything. I am still alone and will always be alone. I am still clueless about life and will always be clueless. I am lousy at writing and doing it on a blog is not going to change it and it will just reinforce that belief. I should just stay put and wait for good old death to come finish me off because I am too much of a coward of bringing it myself and would probably fail at it if I tried. 

This is what happens in my mind whenever I want to try something and it is not good. It is a habit that makes me feel safe but it actually makes me isolated from the world. Being safe does not mean being alienated from everything and everyone including yourself. Being safe means being integrated, being comfortable with who you are, trying different things while you still have the chance. Being safe means changing all the time and finding new habits. But again it needs to be said, old habits die hard. I cannot get rid of the voices that are coming from the drill sergeant and I am not sure killing it is a good idea. It is a part of me. It is a piece of my identity. I cannot kill it and I cannot deny it existing. Perhaps, old habits die hard means changing by adding another layer to yourself and performing a gradual change. Perhaps, the saying is a cautionary tale instead of an acknowledgment out of frustration. It is telling us that it is extremely difficult to forget who you are and doing a 180 on yourself. Instead, just accept all parts of you. The parts which want to nourish you and make you happy AND the parts which want to destroy you AND the parts which want to isolate you. You can want to kill yourself and live a full life at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Some people don’t feel like they have to kill themselves and that is okay. It is also okay to think it. Denying it will only make it bigger. Therefore, it is okay to smile, be happy, be content with how life is going while also acknowledging it could all go wrong one day. I think that is what gives us strength and makes us keep going and write stupid blogs despite thinking simultaneously it is a pointless or that we are not strong enough to do anything challenging and we are not good enough to even write a stupid blog. 

So, therefore, ergo, whatever I decided to write this blog and I will decide to be happy for a few days. After all, it is Christmas and 2020 is upon us and it means I made it to this year not without catastrophes and failure but in spite of them. And that is something to be happy about! 

[capicide]

The Leftovers Impact

Hi, It has been a long time since I have blogged. Since blogging in just text is now an antiquated tradition and the word “blogging” is no longer used anymore and it is replaced with a far more idiotic word “vlog”, I do not feel very bad about not posting anything.

Add in the mix of being busy for the past five months waiting for an answer and just stressing about it and when eventually the news came, just prepping to move to another country with a different culture and new language, then there really was no time or impetus to write about anything. However, a few weeks ago was the anniversary of the last episode of the show called “The Leftovers” and since no one that I know actually watched the show despite my insistence that a show about suicide and depression could be very uplifting, I took it upon myself to write down my thoughts on it for posterity or just to write them down.

It isn’t about the ins and outs of the show or to answer the mysteries the show presented, which is a total antithesis to the show itself, but rather it is about how the show impacted me so much that I still think about certain episodes and every time I watch it or hear the iconic tune, I start tearing up. Ergo, there will not be much spoilers, however it might get into some so beware.

Ok, here we go!

First a recap. The Leftovers is set in a universe in which at October 22nd, 2% of the earth’s population randomly and inexplicably vanish. The actual story takes place at a small city called Mapleton in New York after three years. There has been tons of studies on the Departure but no one has come up with an explanation, only conjecture and sometimes, pseudoscience. The main characters are the Garvys. A normal American family which ostensibly has not been hit with the departure but every member of the family feels off. Kevin, the father and chief of police of Mapleton fears losing his mind and going crazy like his father. The daughter Jill is pretty estranged from her parents and has a very nihilistic view of the people’s struggle with the effects of the departure. The son, Tommy is working for a man who claims can heal people’s pain by hugging them. And the mother, Laurie is getting divorced and part of a cult called the Guilty Remnant who are keen on reminding people of what they have lost and have strange traditions like never speaking and always smoking cigarettes. During the first season, we meet lots of other Mapleton residents like Nora, the woman who lost all of her family members except her brother Matt, who is a priest who does not want to call this even the Rapture. Patti the leader of the Guilty Remnant and Kevin Sr, the crazy grandfather. 

During the second season, we realize the source of everybody’s pain and Nora and Kevin eventually become a couple trying to help one another. The second season focuses on another town called Miracle in Texas which has not lost anyone during the Departure and hence, has become a touristic attraction and destiny of many people seeking to heal including the Garvys. Also, some supernatural elements happen to Kevin and he basically travels to the afterlife in order to get rid of an inner voice of Patti who killed herself in front of him. 

Third season is the aftermath of what the Guilty Remnant do in Miracle and tensions rise between Nora and Kevin who are honest with each other and each is searching for a way to deal with the Departure even though years have passed. Kevin keeps strangling himself to feel something and Nora searches for a group of scientists who claim they have found a way to transport people to wherever the 2% of population went. 

That is the gist of the series. I will not intentionally get into spoilers but some might come up. Overall, I believe it is one of the best tv shows ever made, right up there with The Sopranos and The Wire. The emotional beats conveyed in each episode are effortlessly made. Every tragic twist, every nervous breakdown, every illogical rant is earned and never feel out of place or forced. The acting is superb, especially Carrie Coon as Nora Durst, the tragic figure of the town who is a deeply damaged and complicated character that it still is mind boggling how she pulled it off. Her face, even in still pictures emanates about 20 kinds of emotions simultaneously. As I watched the show and followed it through its three seasons, I kept recommending it anyone I knew. However, not so many people took my advice. They were intrigued by the premise but not so many actually checked it out. That seemed to be the case all over as the show had very low ratings even though it was critically praised. Nonetheless, I loved it. It made me cry every time, sometimes very hard that I could not speak but I still yearned for it. When it was over, with one of the best finales of tv show history, I was completely satisfied, yet still binged it and got emotional every time. I was not alone in feeling this way about it. Little search on the internet tells you how much some critics cared for the show and how much it affected so many, especially ones who had suffered personal tragedy. But I have not had that horrible experience, thankfully and neither have a lot of other fans so what worked for us? Why did I respond to a show centered on tragedy so heavily?

The answer for me was always clear; because it is honest. The tragedy which happened to the people in the show is unreal but at the same time, it is perfectly real. It is death. A phenomenon which is inexplicable at times and will weigh so much on the bereaved and those left alone. They would have to suffer the loss however they can because they know the most honest truth which exists in this world. That no matter how rich you are, no matter how healthy you are, or how sure you are of everything you do, ultimately you are powerless against life. Life happens in an arbitrary way and what we can do at best, is to keep up with it and act like we know where it is headed. We are basically hitching on its wagon hoping we are prepared for the road ahead. BUT there come sudden stops which could knock us out or down. We cannot explain what happened. We only have to cope. 

That is what the show is about. Realizing you are powerless against natural, or supernatural, forces and have to cope the best way you can. Sometimes, it is easy. We study these forces and come up with rules explaining them. But certain events really knock us on our behinds and we cannot comprehend the reason for it. Something happens which puts all which have planned into disarray, forcing us to change our direction, or rather to come to terms with the new direction we are headed. During the three seasons of the show, there is never an explanation given as to why the Departure happened? There is speculation with great doubt but never a full realization. The characters ultimately learn to understand that they could never understand why and how it happened. Just that it happened and they have to deal with it. In the first season, most of them claim in public they fine, while internally they are seething with anger and dying of sadness. Some do desperate things to feel pain physically so as not to experience it inwardly. Nora hires prostitutes to come to her house and shoot her while she is wearing a bulletproof vest just so she could be out of it for a moment. Laurie against all her sensibilities seeks solace in a group akin to fanatic cultists. The beauty of the show centered around the Garvey family is that they have not been personally hit by the tragedy, with the exception of one particular character but they feel guilty anyway. They feel they did not appreciate the life they had and think they had one hand on the wheel while in reality, they were just hitching the ride. That level of powerlessness and realizing it in a very brutal and honest way is why I love the series.

Almost anything made on tv or the big screen about loss is always with a hopeful message attached to it. It might not show itself in the first 10 minutes of the movie or episode but it is there. You can feel it and therefore you feel safe. Others are made in a very cynic tone, which also make them predictable. My point is, in almost any movie centered around tragedy or inevitability of certain kind of death, you would know within the first few minutes whether the characters learn to be happy or fall into deep despair and possibly kill themselves. While they might be made out of the experience of the creator in an honest way, they are always made with an agenda. The movie Melancholy for example, delves into depression and that psychological state. Since Von Trier was suffering from it at the time of making the movie, he states his own opinion of dealing with depression which is not a positive message. It is a very well made movie but you could see what it was saying after the first few scenes. What is genius about The Leftovers and what is “real” about it is that we don’t know where these characters will end up. It is not already decided for them whether they learn a valuable lesson or they just spiral into madness. Sure, at the show in itself is an uplifting one, and characters realize that being without power does not mean ultimate doom but rather it gives you the opportunity to focus on important aspects of life like love, family, friendship. Meanwhile, it does not judge those who are hit hard with the tragedy and just want to end it once and for all. The show has agenda and that is to depict the complete real feelings of people dealing with tragedy in their own way. Whether they would like to be left alone or die alone or establish a relationship or commit suicide or fall in love, it’s all okay. Ultimately, they will get better in some way.

That is what spoke to me. I suffered from depression and still wrestle with it because I understood how not in control I really am of my destiny. I felt really alone at many times and did not fathom why I was still living. I went to therapy for a while and still continued to have these feelings. Therapy was really good and made me much better but honestly, I did not feel much relief until I watched the third season of the show and saw Kevin put a bag over his head in the first episode and almost kill himself. I was relieved because I had thought of something similar myself. I even had picked a spot to do it. All the while, I felt ashamed of having these destructible thoughts that I never fully disclosed them to anyone, not even my therapist. So, the urge got hidden away inside of me but was never forgotten. The more hidden it gets, the more real it becomes. I was relieved when I saw that episode and went back to season 2 because I realized I am not a horrible person for having these thoughts. Nor am I totally crazy and I can still get through it. The people in the show all think about suicide one way or another but other than a few characters, none of them act on it. And that all made sense and was authentic. So, I responded to the scene by crying a lot and just going back to sleep. The reason you think about suicide in the first place is that you wish to regain control of some aspect of your life. You tell yourself, hey I couldn’t change the direction my life was headed so why don’t I just get out of the car immediately. That is the one thing I can still do on my own terms. You create a goal for yourself and gain motivation to do it. That is why planning it is kind of satisfying. You know the result this time so there will be no surprises. You already know all the outcomes. These are all horrible concoction of an unhealthy mind and if you are ashamed of having them, they become validated. So, it was cathartic to some extend to see some fictional characters go through the same thing. The main agenda of the “villains” of the story is to show that any attempt to seek control is utterly pathetic and that is a relatable thought as well. 

To know what you are feeling at your darkest moments is still normal and many others are having the same thoughts and feelings can be a very freeing experience. When a tv program acknowledges those difficult facts and then shows how characters learn to cope with them and ultimately reach a form of salvation in a very realistic and artistic way, you pay attention and start to get ideas and implement them into your own life. That is the reason I love The Leftovers. Objectively, it is extremely well made an all aspects and personally, it has been of substantial help to me to cope with being hitched to life’s ride and learning to appreciate the others coming along with me. 

Signing off!

[capicide]

Deadpool 2 was very important.

[capicide]

Two icons were lost this week to suicide, but their contributions to the world will never be forgotten. Kate Spade made the fashionably unattainable attainable and @anthonybourdain’s exploration of culture through food opened our eyes to the world. Both will be sorely missed.

Remember, no matter what you are going through, you don’t have to go through it alone. There are resources available to help you.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need it, Tumblr.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

NAMI (@namiorg): Dedicated to improving the lives of anyone living with mental illness. Free to chat at 1-800-950-6264. Free support 24/7 Text NAMI to 741741

The Trevor Project (@thetrevorproject): Confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ+ young people. Available 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386.

[capicide]

“Keeping the internet open is critical for us. It powers social movements, and provides a global platform for people of color, LGBTQ folks and the most marginalized communities to tell their own stories, run their own businesses and route around powerful gatekeepers.”—Candace Clement, Free Press Action Fund Campaign Director via @fight4future​

Starting today, June 11, U.S. internet providers will be legally allowed to censor and block websites and apps, and force you to pay extra fees to to access your favorite places online. Your internet sanctuaries, the communities you are part of, the ones you have help build up, could be decimated.

Will it happen today? No. Next week? Probably not. The changes will not be swift. They will come piece by piece. A slow, tempered death to the free and open internet we love.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You can still make a difference, Tumblr. We need the House of Representatives to sign a discharge petition in support of the Congressional Review Act that would force a vote on the floor.

Contact your reps—let them know you support net neutrality.

It’s so easy. Just go to BattleForTheNet.com, fill out the form, and follow their directions from there.

They have an updated widget for you to throw on your websites to urge others to make a difference. You can put it on your Tumblr. Let your followers know what you stand for, encourage them to do the same. It’s so easy to do. Just copy and paste their small line of code right into the customize theme page on the web.

Go, go, go, go. We know you have that passion in you. We’re fighting right alongside you.

[capicide]

Chris Parsons is the best photographer, he’s @parsons on Instagram. 

[capicide]

What we need to learn from the Aziz Ansari clusterfuck

This is not actually an article about him, the claw, or anything to do with the night in question that we are all reading about this weekend. I wasn’t there. We haven’t heard his account, and so I have no right, nor inclination, to comment.

But it has indeed sparked an interesting conversation about consent, both technical and more importantly, emotional, and how vital it is to read the room and make sure the other person is not just willing, but damn well enthusiastic. Especially, in my opinion, if that person is the one to be penetrated. You want to enter them. You best ensure you are a welcome guest, not someone who just begged, pressured, guilt-tripped or harassed their way inside.

There are men I know who are respectful and patient in sexual scenarios, who I daresay are actually turned off if a woman isn’t very obviously enjoying herself. These men are sadly the exception, not the norm.

Our society has mislead men. We have allowed pornography to continuously promote that narrative that a woman is a hole for a man to enjoy when and how he feels like it. Very rarely is a woman’s needs paid much/any attention to in porn, and when it is, it’s often illustrated as the woman just happening to enjoy whatever the man does, even if she doesn’t at first, without fail, she always comes round to his brilliant idea, and is the good sport we all hoped she would be.

A lot of pornography is dedicated, quite literally, to the thrill being how much a woman literally didn’t want to have sex at all and how he did it, really violently, anyway. What is going on?  

Then we have music videos where the girls are always practically naked and performing rehearsed dance routines for the men, who are sitting there on their arses, sometimes in outdoor winter layers, doing nothing other than enjoying their needs being met.

Then you have music lyrics which went from, “Try a little tenderness,” to MURDER THAT PUSSY. BEAT THAT PUSSY UP. PUT THAT PUSSY IN A TOASTER. SHRED THE PUSSY AND PUT IT IN THE BIN. THROW THE PUSSY OUT THE WINDOW. FLUSH THE PUSSY DOWN THE TOILET.

(Poor old pussy having a terrible time.)

Our society, the internet, and even our most mainstream media, constantly perpetuate the idea that men do not need to worry about what our needs and boundaries are. They just need technical consent, however that consent is acquired.

CONSENT SHOULDN’T BE THE GOLD STANDARD. That should be the basic foundation. Built upon that foundation should be fun, mutual passion, equal arousal, interest and enthusiasm. And it is any man or woman’s right at ANY time to stop, for whatever reason.

We also need to reassure women that their fear of being thought of as “difficult” “awkward” or god forbid, “frigid,” should be completely eradicated, effective immediately. These are stereotypes created by the patriarchy, about women, to rather astonishingly, douse women in shame for feeling ownership over their own bodies and moving at a pace they are comfortable with. If you think that he won’t call you again because you weren’t ready to meet his sexual needs on his schedule, then HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU VERY MUCH. Women have traditionally been taught to please, to placate and to avoid embarrassing a man. This has to stop, and it has to come from us. If a man asks you to put his penis in your mouth, and you don’t want to, but you do it because you want him to call you again, you are doing yourself a disservice and have to accept some responsibility. If he is not actively pressuring you, but you feel pressured by his eagerness, desperation, or the fear of his disappointment, then it is frankly on YOU to say no and act in honour of your needs. (Obviously in a situation where you feel in any danger at all, this is a completely different case.)

It is fairly modern for women to be allowed to choose who they marry. It is very modern for women to be “allowed” to have casual sex. It is extremely modern for women to ask to have their needs met and for that to be considered an achievement for a man. WHAT EVEN IS FAKING AN ORGASM? What does that say about women’s attitudes towards their role in the bedroom? “I’m going to congratulate him for something he didn’t take the time or make the effort to do?!”  Women’s magazines forever, constantly writing about “how to please him” Very few men’s magazines with titles about “how to give her the orgasm of her life.”

The subliminal messaging is thorough and it is constant.

If a woman is not enjoying herself thoroughly, throughout your entire sexual engagement, and is not delighted about all the things your are doing together, then STOP. YOU ARE FAILING. This should not be your idea of fun. This is not sex. This is just a wank, you are using another body for, regardless of her needs or desires.

Women must learn that “no” is a right, not a privilege.

I hope one day more young women in the public eye, in music videos and on instagram, use their platforms, when being sexual, to promote a balanced approach to arousal, one that promotes pleasure for both parties involved.

I hope men stop singing about putting pussies in blenders and making Pussy humus out of them, or whatever.

I hope the men (who don’t already) actually realise and come to terms with the fact that porn is a bullshit fantasy and learning sex from pornography is like learning how to drive from The Fast and the Furious. A terrible idea.

And I also hope men start to understand one day, that women have been oppressed since the beginning of time. We are only just starting to find our voices and demand equality. Do not abuse our conditioning to bend to your whims. Especially in the bedroom.

“erm…Ok” shouldn’t be encouragement enough for you.

You can and must do better.

[capicide]

Reblogging my art or buying my merch is a way of supporting me to keep up creating my art. Today I created my own Ko-fi page! If you dig my art and are happy to support me by buying me a coffé from Ko-Fi.com - check out the link above! I also wanted to thank everyone that has so far supported my art. Y’all rock!

(Random fact: I’m caffeine sensitive irl, but I do drink tea! )

[capicide]

Let us march on ballot boxes, march on ballot boxes until race-baiters disappear from the political arena.

Let us march on ballot boxes until the salient misdeeds of bloodthirsty mobs will be transformed into the calculated good deeds of orderly citizens.

Let us march on ballot boxes until the Wallaces of our nation tremble away in silence.

Let us march on ballot boxes until we send to our city councils state legislatures, and the United States Congress, men who will not fear to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with thy God.

Let us march on ballot boxes until brotherhood becomes more than a meaningless word in an opening prayer, but the order of the day on every legislative agenda.

Let us march on ballot boxes until all over Alabama God’s children will be able to walk the earth in decency and honor.

These words come from the speech delivered by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. at the conclusion of the 1965 march to Montgomery, Alabama. The march brought national attention to the issue of racial discrimination in voting. The Voting Rights Act, a landmark piece of Civil Rights legislation, became law just five months later. 

Photographs, broadsides, and other materials related to Dr. King’s legacy are now on view in the Patricia D. Klingenstein Library reading room.

Bob Adelman. Martin Luther King Jr. marching from Selma to Montgomery, Alabama alongside Ralph Abernathy, James Forman, Jesse Douglas, and John Lewis. March 1965. New-York Historical Society.

Stephen Somerstein. Martin Luther King, Jr. seen from rear, speaking to crowd of 25,000 in Montgomery, Alabama. March 1965. New-York Historical Society.

[capicide]

First thing uploaded on my artblog 2018 - another sketch of my oc - Zeddam!

[capicide]

A New Beginning

Life is funny. We don’t ask for it but we can’t give it up. It is something of a disease and cure both. It is pain and pleasure all wrapped in one package. You can’t separate the two from each other and every time you get a taste of one, the other one undoubtedly will attach itself to your taste buds. I hear the reason for it is to have greater appreciation of one and reduce despair while experiencing the other.

I experienced pain this year due to an event. It may seem trivial to some but for an immigrant boy who is trying really hard to create a place for himself and craft an identity, it was really hard. Because, my whole worth was being judged and ultimately rejected. I was told I have nothing to offer to a country despite all the time and money I had spent living and contributing to it. Sure, the pain wasn’t physical but it hurt me deeply. I am used to having no information about the future and constantly living one day at a time but this unfortunate event happened when I was just feeling comfortable in my skin. When I was feeling that I have found myself and finally made myself the hero of my own story. So, when the declaration came, I realized this story does not have a structure yet and I was wrong to assume it ever had. This meant that I had to start writing again. Like I said, I am not a stranger to to having to rewrite my own story multiple times but suddenly I felt weak. I felt my arms could not move, my legs would not lift from the ground, my body could not respond to my brain, and the only thing I was capable of doing was breathing. Breathe in and out, breathe in and out. And then, the world went silent and dark. The only sound was the sound of my breathing. Of course, to others, I was the same. I talked to people, went to work, hung out with my friends. But I was alone. Deaf, blind, crippled, and alone. Maybe it shouldn’t have hit me this hard. Maybe, as everyone else says, I should’ve thought about the millions who are smarter than I am but cannot be in my situation because they simply can’t afford it. Those thoughts did not comfort me one bit. If anything, it hurt me more. By emphasizing that there are many others who should be in my shoes but can’t, my self worth got diminished even more because it highlighted my incompetence to seize an opportunity properly. Soon, I started hating myself. The breathing sound which was a sign of relief that I am still alive turned into a frustrating noise bothering me with its insistence on being present. I did not want it. I wanted it gone. But I couldn’t snuff it out myself and no accident happened to cause it. Eventually, I was in a self-hating and deprecating loop:

I hate myself because I am too weak and I should die. I can’t die because I am too weak to kill myself. I hate myself because I am too weak.

When thoughts like that make a nest inside your head, there is not much you can do. You can either succumb to the pain or do nothing and be numb. I chose the latter because I am too much of a coward, to my dismay, to do anything to myself. Also, there was a sparkle of hope. There were talks of another work opportunity, somewhere where I could find my self-worth again if I was willing to be patient. And so I waited and waited. The things is after feeling numb and being numb for some time, that becomes your natural state and you become comfortable with it and don’t mind it as much. But soon, you feel like your body is shutting down. You feel sleepy and being too anxious to sleep at the same time. To keep it short, I was uncomfortable and willing to do anything including to die just so I had a purpose. But news came that the opportunity is coming to fruition and the caveat is that I have to take huge risk in order to see it till the end. I would have to leave the place to which I came with a modicum of hope and dream to create a life worth living, possibly forever. 

For once, in a long while, I have the strange but familiar feeling of being hopeful. I think the chances of this opportunity ending in success is actually high. But, this means I have to start creating life elsewhere and rewrite my story or add a huge twist to it without provoking the audience too much. 

I have spent 5 years in Sweden and now I have the chance to go to Canada and work at a bigger company. This could lead to huge successes and it could be a total bust. But having a goal, regardless of the odds of reaching it, is much better than being in a limbo state for a long time. This should make me happy. And it has. I have more energy, I can sleep longer hours without waking up in the middle of the night. But, I feel sad. And it’s not being sad about leaving a familiar place and going towards the unknown. I’m actually quite excited about it. Sad about losing someone. Someone very special whom I met a couple of years ago. A shy person, someone hard to get to open up but full of life and excitement. A person who taught me so many important things in life which I will always cherish. An introvert woman with barriers but also willing to try new things. I spent not enough time with her but those rare occasions were all very special. Rarely you meet someone so intelligent that you feel like you are getting smarter just by talking to them and she was like that. My regret is that possibly, I will not see her again. She won’t be a character in my story anymore. She will be one of those characters who had had large role in the beginning but began to fade out in the middle because they had fulfilled their role of helping grow the protagonist or move the plot forward. I don’t want that to be true. I want her to make a dramatic return in later chapters and become a main character overshadowing the protagonist with her charisma and wit. But the harsh truth is we forget. We forget tragedies to able to cope and keep living and we forget kindness to able to accept more. I will forget her and she will forget me. Soon, the only time I will remember her is when someone or something reminds me of a familiar feeling and I would have to search really hard until to unceremoniously reach the conclusion that there was this girl with whom I have this memory. Soon, I will forget her name and she will forget mine. I know people say it’s impossible to be out of touch with friends because of social media. But as you grow older and your mind gets occupied with storing new memories, it is only rational that older ones fade away to nothing. Therefore, I am quite sad that day will inevitably comes. Sure, I can still be in contact but there will be no possibility of growth. 

As the title says, it is a new beginning for me. With six months of despair and sadness passed, I am feeling hopeful once again. I am wary of the consequences of disappointment whilst being optimist but is worth it. So, once again I am going full speed towards the unknown. I did it once and kept going for five years. Hope this time it goes on for longer. Who knows? Maybe I will find my way to her one day. Maybe not. I am just glad I got to meet and have a friendship with such an awesome character. She will do great things in her story. And I am ready to have a small positive impact on mine. After all, the stories are just starting.

Signing Off!

[capicide]

[[I wanted to make a quick doodle my oc Val before going to bed.]] (btw click on image for better quality! )

[capicide]

I wanted to sketch my oc’s in stylish clothes!  ❤︎ ( Characters from my upcoming comic “Zeddam” !)

[capicide]

alright~ so I don’t talk alot about my family~ but this is my littlebrother. He has a moderate developmental disorder and a neuromotor disability~ so until he was six years old he couldn’t walk at all and sat in a wheelchair. The music has always been there for him, he’s a self-taught singer (yes!! im still amazed by it) and as you can see he loves Elvis^^

So if you could watch and like this video on youtube it would mean alot!

Thank you

[capicide]

Blade Runner 2049

I saw the first blade runner when I was 14 or 15 I think. I was born in 87 so the original movie was way before my time. I’m Iranian so it took some time for me to learn proper English but since my family was and still is a very culturally educated one, my brother and I were subjected to watching a lot of western movies at a very young age and subsequently got into a lot of video games. One of the best pc adventure games we played was called Blade Runner. I remember the first time I saw the voxel of the hover car, it blew my mind. With a semi-broken English I knew and with my borther’s help, we managed to piece together the story and just both of us fell in love with the universe portrayed and wanted to watch the original as fast as we could.

But it wasn’t until some years later that we could watch The Director’s cut. I don’t think we even knew there multiple cuts of the movie. I really liked the movie. The pacing was a bit slow for my hyperactive and unfocused brain but I still really enjoyed the environment, the set design and the clothes. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to Deckard blasting people with his dope gun but disappointed at the out of date sound effects when he did. When I was a hot headed senior at high school ready to go to a university, I watched it again. Having being aware of the multiple cuts and the source material, excellent book by the way, I appreciated it much more. I definitely saw how it was the source of inspiration of many cyber punk video games or movies or even soundtracks. I could see how someone who had seen it in their youth would have a great case of blown mind afterwards. I loved Rutger Hauer’s performance and his last words in the movie brought tears to my eyes.

When the sequel was announced, I was skeptical. Although I wasn’t one of those crazed fanboys going for my pitch fork and marching to Hollywood demanding the fat cats to keep their greedy hands off of my childhood memories. I could never understand that kind of mentality. Not because I didn’t experience the movie at its time, but because I consider that kind of attachment insane and bullshit. I did however think that it could be one of those sequels that is just going to capitalize in the brand without offering something new. That thought changed when the director was announced to be the same man who did arrival and sicario which I believe is one my all time favorite movies. When I watched the first trailer, I loved the aesthetic, the moodiness it was evoking and the music. So I was on board, I wanted to check it out despite the alarming presence of Jared Leto.

So I watched the original one again a week ago to be prepared for the sequel. It still looks amazing and the pacing still is too slow. I understand it’s a noir film but some points of it which are trying to invoke some form of emotion just don’t work for me. For example the subplot of Rachael coming to terms with the fact that she’s a replicant was very well explored, however I never bought that she loved Deckard or even if he loved her. Sure, she could’ve been seeking comfort in another person who knew more about her than she herself but Deckard was only attracted to her physically and it definitely did not help that in one scene, he is basically dictating to her what she should say and should feel. The subtexts in the story however are masterfully done. The universe is something alien to us but not so far off of our reach which is scary. The desolation of humanity is shown without trying really hard and the fact that what distinguishes the replicants from humans is their grown humanity is very well implied without being outrageously explicit or have someone explain. It’s a movie less focused on exposition and more on atmosphere and it is a dark and foreboding one. Overall, I really enjoyed it. I did not watch any of the short videos released for the sequel nor the amazing anime and I went to it fresh!!

I watched Blade Runner 2049 on Saturday in IMAX.  The first reaction was that\s a good movie. I spent some time afterwards to talk to my friends about what some stuff in the movie meant for the story. Once again, there was subtext and allegory in use to show the demise of humanity and so we were discussing those subjects. It did not hit me as much until I returned home and suddenly started thinking about it and then I realized how amazing was this movie.

First of all, I don’t think I had seen these visuals in any sci-fi flick. The beautiful aerial shots of the crammed apartment buildings, giant holograms of young women being used to advertise products, vistas of irradiated landscapes, complemented with close up shots of actors trying to process the world in which they live and events they have encountered, gave the visceral feeling of what is like to live in this world and more terrifyingly, this could be a possible future we are moving towards. It drew you into the world and filled you with wonder and fear. The music highlighting the gravity of each moment with various degrees of intensity made it very impactful. Top notch acting across the board made so many characters that would have been 2 dimensional in 99% of other detective noir stories into three dimensional ones with great depth and genuine emotions. Once again, there wasn’t a villain in the story. Or perhaps you could argue that once again, humans were the villains in the story as their motives were much more self-serving than those of replicants. So, I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I’ve watched it. I read so many different articles about it during breaks at work, before sleep and I finally watched the great short videos and the amazing anime that it’s still in my mind. I’m not going to go into spoiler territory here since I am going to watch it again this weekend and need time to solidify my thoughts on different themes and issues the movie was showing. 

Last thing I say is that so far every movie directed by Denis Villeneuve (Prisoners, Arrival, Sicario) has perfectly showed the flaws in humans trying to be humans by grasping on an identity for themselves. The characters and entities in these movies define themselves by what has happened to them and what they should do in certain situations. That’s not necessarily a flaw. In fact, it is a driving force for many. It is a flaw when its being driven by primordial instincts and not rationality. A father will torture a innocent young man to find his daughter even though there’s so little evidence linking the young man to the kidnapping his daughter. He does it because it is expected of a father, at a very basic level, to protect his family and if he doesn’t even do that and fulfill that role, then he is no one. A drug dealer who has lost his whole family at the hands of another drug dealer abandons all humanity in a quest to wipe out the family of the other drug dealer and he even makes himself a slave to some insidious forces and he knows it. He becomes the monster to kill the monster and embraces that identity. It’s far better than a weakling who led his family to slaughter. Powerful nations grasp with the idea of aliens with each one trying desperately to be the one who cracks open the puzzle of communication not to seek knowledge necessarily, but to still be dubbed powerful. They even risk annihilation in a grand scale to assert that identity. Identity is also at the heart of Enemy, although I haven’t seen that movie yet so I cannot speak much about it. 

In Blade Runner, identity again plays a huge role. Humans strive to be gods by creating other humans or they just want to be humans by executing the manufactured fake ones. Rationality does not play a huge role in their decision making. They just want to survive and worshiped at the same time. Replicants are newborn and they were made with a purpose and that is to be slaves. So rationally, they rebel against it. In the original one, Roy Batty and other replicants want to live longer, not because they think it is their right but because they feel it is a pity that such lives filled with so much potential and so many beautiful memories to be lost forever. They also look for an identifier other than slave because that does not make sense. That is what makes them different from humans. And this kind of subject makes Villeneuve the perfect director for the sequel and it is filled with moments which prove my point. Simply, he knows how to depict humanity on screen with all its flaws and strengths. He makes you wonder who you are as a person and what defines you and how far would you go to find a characteristic for yourself. I truly appreciate his works and believe he is one of the finest directors of the 21st century. 

I will watch Blade Runner again and come up with a more spoilery analysis. These were my first impressions of the movie and what stood out. I could be a total idiot by thinking this way but hey internet is full of idiots so I’m not alone.

Signing Off!

[capicide]

Hi

[capicide]

First Blog

I’m new to this. I think this is how you write a blog. In my mind, writing a blog meant writing something personal which the writer could share if they wanted. Maybe that’s how it first existed but not now. Now it’s more like writing in your wall on Facebook.

No, I’m not a middle aged man trying to vent about new technology. I’m just a guy turning thirty who’s going through an existential and identity crisis right now and feel like I need to write my anger down. I’ve written some stuff on my own pc where no one has access to and now I’m trying this tumblr stuff you kids are talking about.

I’m Iranian, living in Sweden, or at least trying to live in Sweden. I’ve got a masters degree in electric power engineering and now I’m working. There you go, I’m a passage writing about my special skills away of turning this into a resume!! I’m someone whom you might call a geek. I like video games, books, and movies and basically anything that could give me a good story to experience. I’m political and given the amount of craziness happening in the world, I’d like to write down my thoughts about some events too if it makes me very angry.  And lastly, I am no stranger to depression. It got its hold on me a few years ago and we have been struggling with each other ever since. It hates me and wants to me to die so it can leave in peace. I don’t like it and wish it would be leave me alone, even sometimes listening closely to its demands that I should off myself. But I am not there yet. Even though I don’t see any exit from it anytime soon, I’m still on the ride. 

The blogs are going to be personal. However, I don’t mind if anyone sees them. If by some miracle, some poor guy browsing on the web gets so board of all the content and unfortunately stumbles on something I’ve written, I want to make sure they can follow the flow of the writing. That’s why I plan to write every blog like a short story, with a beginning, middle, and end. Even if it is my thoughts on a movie or video game or how I feel in a particular moment. If nobody sees these, then it’ll be writing practice for me which is one of the rare things I immensely enjoy so no harm done.

Like I said, I’m new to this and don’t know how long a blog should be. For me the indication is the batter life in my iPhone. For the last 8 minutes that I’ve been writing this, my phone’s battery has dropped from 91 to 82%. So, good job apple. This means I have to end it. Let’s see how it goes.

Signing off!!