capturedinhereyess

[capturedinhereyess]

A heart’s a heavy burden

[capturedinhereyess]

But if I OD, I want you to OD right beside me

I want you to follow right behind me

I want you to hold me while I’m smiling

While I’m dying

[capturedinhereyess]

I hate that when I have self-worth, it comes off to the people around me as stubborn. hard-headed.

I’m not sorry for knowing that I deserve better.

I especially can’t compromise (which involves meeting halfway) when the other party is not willing to meet me halfway at all.

[capturedinhereyess]

I haven’t grown much in the past decade.

[capturedinhereyess]

why do liars that get caught think it’s still a good idea to keep lying

[capturedinhereyess]

I can’t stop being brutally honest with people close to me, and it’s killing me. I want to stop, but it keeps coming out. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about pointing out little stupid things. I mean big things.

I can’t help but call someone out when they do shit like that. Again, it’s only with people close to me. I don’t go around giving everyone my two cents. Just people that mean a lot to me. I guess it makes me feel a little betrayed, because they say one thing to my face and the complete opposite to everyone else. I don’t know who is the real them and which statements are their true feelings.

I feel like such a bitch.

[capturedinhereyess]

[capturedinhereyess]

[capturedinhereyess]

[capturedinhereyess]

Some kind of happiness is measured out in miles

[capturedinhereyess]

Words I’ve heard a million times over.

[capturedinhereyess]

I have close friends. I have a dysfunctional family. I have a partner.

And yet, I feel that I do not have anyone to talk to about all of these thoughts that run through my mind. I think that that is a good thing for others though, because listening to me would be incredibly exhausting. Mentally and emotionally draining. For me, however, it is unfortunate. I feel that I am going to implode on myself. 

[capturedinhereyess]

People say that if your partner did not physically act on their thoughts, that they should be forgiven and that you should move on. Forgiving is not the hard part. I think that the hardest part is moving on, but can you really say that you forgave someone if you have not moved on from what they did? I am not entirely sure.. The only thing that I am sure of is that I no longer feel that anger--that betrayal. Honestly I just feel hurt, insecure and numb now. I do not feel insecure in the sense that I believe that person is more attractive, smart, skilled, talented, etc. than I am. I feel insecure in the sense that I am not enough for my partner. I feel that I am no longer who my partner wants or needs anymore. I feel insecure in the sense that I feel I am going to lose my partner. That is a scary feeling to have.

I think I would have preferred it if my partner had cheated on me entirely, not this micro-cheating. If my partner had cheated entirely, then I could easily walk away. It would obviously still hurt, all the time spent and memories created together, just gone.. but at that point, my partner would have crossed a line that I know I can never forgive someone for. This micro-cheating bullshit confuses me. Does my partner want me or do they not? The fact that my partner thought about it is what cuts deep. I did the whole asking, “why?” crap, and that got me no where. 

“curiosity.”

That is the answer that I received. If you thought about that person, you might as well have just gone through with it.

[capturedinhereyess]

[capturedinhereyess]

Japan Fall ‘19 was just a dream..