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isang maulan na hapon sa baguio;

Lia let out a heavy sigh when the heavy rain suddenly poured as she was walking out of the campus.

Tangina naman inabutan pa. She thought to herself and rummaged inside her tote bag to look for her umbrella.

Isang buntong hininga pa muli ang inilabas ni Lia bago buksan ang payong. It's already her last semester in college and it just got busier and harder. Isama mo pa na president siya ng student council kaya patong-patong talaga ang responsibilidad. But Lia had always wanted to lead and serve so she was happy; but that does not mean that she she can't get tired and regret her decisions at times.

The rain in Baguio has always been harsh; kaya naman kahit nakapayong na ay nababasa pa rin siya at hirap na tinahak ang daan papunta sa Session Road. Lia was supppsed to meet Lean at a cafe like they always do. Ngunit sa araw na iyon, punong puno na talaga si Lia at sumagi pa sa isip niya na tawagan na lang si Dave at kinabuksan na lang magkita. But she couldn't even fish her phone from her bag because of the rain. Ang hirap din namang sumilong dahil sa dami ng tao, so she decided to just go.

Aside from the intense feeling of tiredness that Anya was feeling, it was just an ordinary day. She was just very tired. The last few weeks, she has been very tired a lot.

It always gets better when she sees a smile from her best friend slash love of her life. But somehow, when she opened the door of the cafe, her tired eyes met another pair of tired eyes.

Pilit na ngumiti si Lia, nagsusumamo, kahit na halatang pagod ang mga mata. In truth, Lia was shocked that David greeted her with the same expression but she immediately realized what it meant. What are the odds? They're meant to be. They have always been made for each other. Both of them just really understood each other so well to the point that they know what the other is feeling even without asking.

Normally, Lia would rush towards Leandro and they'd greet each other with a tight hug and Dave asking, "Pagod ka na?" to Anya with that comforting voice of his and Anya would answer "Pagod na ako."  Dave would then tighten his hug and ask again, "Pagod ka pa?". Lia would let out a soft chuckle and say, "Hindi na. Okay na," as they hugged.

But this day was different.

Lia stood in front of David for a while. Both of them were waiting for someone to speak.

There was no hug.

Finally, "Pagod ka na?" David asked.

Malungkot na ngumiti si Lia. A bitter chuckle escaped her lips as she nodded, "Pagod na ako."

Dave nodded too. And at that moment, they both just knew. It was the end.

Pagod na si Lia.

Pagod na rin si David.

It was the end.

For now... Maybe.

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ꔛ 。·˚˚· ·˚˚·。twenty-something ☀︎

you're twenty-something coming home from your ninth job interview of the week you're quite sure you just flunked again. you were supposed to be in italy or in whatever countryside living peacefully in your home with high ceilings and big windows just like how you always envisioned it would be. instead, you're coming home to a shitty apartment with paper thin walls you could hear your neighbor sighing over their equally somber life.

you want to believe everything will get better because you're only twenty-something and you have years ahead of you. but the fact that you're scrolling away through job postings on the internet and sending your resumé to whoever tells a different story.

you were supposed to be living your best life but now, it's neither your best nor are you living. you reach the end of the job postings and heave a sigh. you hear your neighbor sigh as well.

#

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i love when a character is a ghost but in a tragic way instead of a scary way. i love when a character has been dead from the beginning but is still holding on to stay in the narrative. i love when a character could choose to resent the living but ends up loving them instead. i love when a character drives the story but isn’t quite there enough to be at the center of it. i love when the ghosts are the protectors instead of the ones causing the harm. i love when a character is at the heart of the story because depending on where you began it, no matter how you told it, the story is about the ghost who struggled to keep their humanity

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i love when a character is a ghost but in a tragic way instead of a scary way. i love when a character has been dead from the beginning but is still holding on to stay in the narrative. i love when a character could choose to resent the living but ends up loving them instead. i love when a character drives the story but isn’t quite there enough to be at the center of it. i love when the ghosts are the protectors instead of the ones causing the harm. i love when a character is at the heart of the story because depending on where you began it, no matter how you told it, the story is about the ghost who struggled to keep their humanity

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The problem is the knowledge. The knowledge you will get older, that you need comfort and safety and financial security, and your loved ones need the same and the world is not built to simply give you those things for simply living. You fear that the love you hold in your chest is not enough because you have been told love is not enough for a secure future. That you must work yourself to the bones and it still may not be enough. The knowledge is heavy. It is like a hand wrapped around your throat. Because all you really want is to lie in peace in a meadow somewhere, your head on your lover’s chest as they read your favourite book to you. But you have been taught that to earn this life, you must first set yourself on fire. And then what remains of you may just may be rewarded. I hope the world changes for you. I hope you get your meadow one day and you do not have to burn to get it. I hope it’s as vibrant as you always wanted it to be.

- Nikita Gill, Midnight Thoughts

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did the rain let up yet? did things grow in its wake? i love you. i hope you dream of someone you love but only if it’s good for you. i haven’t in a while because God knows what it would do to me. i’ve been looking in the mirror again but not for too long. i hope light pours into your room just right and you are blinded with the beauty of being alive and landing on an earth that has a sunrise. i love you.

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i hope the other side is only sunshines and rainbows. i hope you find the happiness and peace of mind that this world could not give you.

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Grief is a cruel kind of education. You learn how ungentle mourning can be, how full of anger. You learn how glib condolences can feel. You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, from Notes on Grief

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“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

― Jamie Anderson

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andrew garfield saying, “i hope this grief stays with me because it’s all the unexpressed love that i didn’t get to tell her” about his mothers passing is so gut wrenchingly beautiful because we rarely talk about the love we want to express but can’t, not because you’re not brave enough to say it out loud but because they’re not here to listen to it anymore. calling grief the love you never had the chance to share makes it less of a burden and more of something you want to keep and not something terrible you want to move on from. i love love how everything about grief always comes down to “what is grief if not love persevering?”

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ㅡ too naïve to realize that love was not supposed to hurt her so much that the only colors she remember are the reds that stained her skin 🥀

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OMG KA MADAM

Midnights, the stories of 13 sleepless nights scattered throughout my life, will be out October 21. Meet me at midnight.

Pre-order now: https://taylor.lnk.to/taylorswiftmidnights

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it wasn't supposes to end like this.