catluver3

[catluver3]

i’m tired

[catluver3]

I finally thought up the plot to my story, i hope to share the draft with you all soon.

[catluver3]

My medicine ran out, my head hurts and it feels like I get angry at the slightest thing. I already made up my mind to ask the doctor to up the dose tomorrow.

I don't want to have these feelings anymore.

[catluver3]

This blog does contain mature content.

I read a manga about this girl who gets kidnapped. As much as I hate it, I used to read really dark things back in middle school and towards the beginning of high school. I read so many things that somehow related to my experience as a child.

The story goes a girl comes back from her modeling job, she gets kidnapped and gets manipulated and sa'ed by the guy. She eventually ends up developing stockholm syndrome and 'falls' in love with the guy; only for the guy to betray her live in the end and as a revenge she gets him back as her dog.
Doesn't make sense when I explain it but the manga goes through her troubles of that experience, of her childhood with her family and her husband trying to help her figure everything out. The man truly loves her to the point he's even a compliance in her 'crime'. The man who was now her dog suffered from a 2nd identity that was just a reflection of his childhood self. 
It made me think a little of my childhood and my experience with sa, I've been wanting to get this off my chest. To tell someone about it because I know, I feel like no one else would believe me. It's a strange feeling to live with that pet of yourself for so long, to feel strange and icky when other people you don't know touch you. That sexual desire that I find so disgusting yet I just want the pleasure that comes from it.
The first time I laid down with my boyfriend, I cried. I cried so much like a baby because I felt he wouldn't find me 'pretty' and I just felt so suffocated under him. He just held me, shushed me and just comforted me all the while he was naked, it was funny.

I hope with the therapy I'm getting soon, I will learn to cope better.

[catluver3]

Hello 👋, I hope you're doing well..

My name is Mahmoud, and I'm a 17-year-old from Gaza. The ongoing war has devastated my city, destroyed my school, and made daily life incredibly challenging.

Despite these hardships, I'm determined to continue my education and build a better future. I've been given a chance to study abroad, but I need help to cover the costs of leaving Gaza, as well as living expenses and other essentials abroad once the crossing opens.. 🙏

If you can, please consider donating or sharing, your kindness can truly make a difference, and thanks for your time. ❤🍉

https://gofund.me/bd3ccf0b 🔗

i may not have the resources or amount of money to donate but I will be happy to share this message with the few people that view my posts. please stay safe :) 🍉

[catluver3]

It's been somewhat of a week, this weekend I went out with my friend and we had a fun time. We went to the pet store and they had birds, everytime we stuck our fingers in they would climb onto it.

one of the shit on a girl's hand and it was so funny. The next day, I went out with my ex.. He got me flowers, red roses that I absolutely adore. The buildabear recently opened here and we went in, I got the halloween cinnabon one.. Such a cutie.

He held my hand while we walked around but is it wrong for me to feel jealous? He had a text from this new chick he had met at a party.. I mean, I shouldn't be jealous, we're not together but it just makes me so bad and annoyed. It sucks.

[catluver3]

We are seem to alike, so i just wanted to say hello. 𖹭

hello!! it feels nice to hear that someone relates to me :’).

[catluver3]

I’m so tired.

[catluver3]

I want to become more mature, me and ex talked a lot. We've been talking a lot and he still loves me as much as I love him and I want to help him through his grief so bad yet I don't know how. I see him as the only man I'll ever love, I know, so childish yet I feel so comfortable with him. Naked bodies against each other, showering together, giggling for staying up late while his dog nibbled at his own feet. 

He has comforted me in so many ways that I just don't know how to describe it, I want to be there for him in the worst of the worst, I don't care how he uses me as long as he feels better because he lets me do the same to him. 
I want to become the best version of myself, one that would tumble down at the simplest of thoughts my mind makes up for a stupid reason. I want to have so much energy that I just glow, I want to feel confident in my own body, I want my heart to not ache or beat harshly from the anxiety but from the intense workout! It's hard, I've been trying for so long but it seems like these childish feelings are so engraved in my soul that it's the only thing I know.

[catluver3]

I'm doing a lot better, emotionally I still feel slightly numb. I miss the sweet texts between us.

At the end of the day, I can use this time to focus on myself. I've gained weight, I've become so emotionally dependent on someone I cried for two days straight and don't even get me started on nights. I miss my boyfriend, his smell, touch, the way he would slur his words whenever he would speak about anything that remotely interested him. The shape of his nose, his long lashes, his cute curly hair that he finally started to maintain. We both need this break and if it's true, he'll hopefully ask me out on a date a month from now. Best I can do is wait and make the best version of myself for him and me.

[catluver3]

9/9/2024

It's been two days since he broke up with me, I cried and cried but at the end of the day it was for the best for both of us. He's going through things, having to process them and I guess I need to also work on myself.

There's not much to update about and I've just felt incredibly numb, my friends and family have been quite supportive so I appreciate that.

[catluver3]

well, my boyfriend broke up with me.

I cried and cried all the way when he took me home, when I got here I cried in my sisters arms.

Sucks.

[catluver3]

I drew.

Posted it to TikTok, hoping for some kind of compliment. I know I know I shouldn't beg for attention but I want my art to be seen, to be complimented, to be appreciated by strangers I possibly won't ever see again! I want to be one of those big artists that so many people look up to, I'm young, I know, I have all the time in the world but it doesn't feel that way. I feel like I'm running out of time every time I don't draw, don't post, and everytime I see the follower count go down, I want to cry. Why can't my art be appreciated?

[catluver3]

Fri. 9/6/2024

10:00 am
It's the next day and honestly I slept somewhat good. The new skin care routine I have leaves my skin soft but also dry.. Which I pair with a couple of other things! Fun, right?
I only got the treatment yesterday, which is technically just the conditioner and it's pretty good! Leaves my hair slightly dry but after a bit of it drying, it leaves it so smooth! I'm thinking of getting silk pillow cases cuz I heard those are pretty good for your frizzy hair!
Yesterday, there was a moth in our kitchen. Right on one of the lights and I thought it was like a bee or wasp. It scared me so much! I just wanted to eat..
 Last night, I snapped my boyfriend a couple of times. I mean, he was suppose to be asleep but the poor guy just couldn't! He's always been the type to sleep really, really, really late.. That's how I used to be in middle school but not anymore. I feel old.
It's gonna be raining the whole entire day!! I was hoping it wouldn't rain tomorrow but I don't really mind it, I like going over to my boyfriend's house and just sleeping the afternoon away. Although, I don't know. I feel like he doesn't like me as much as he used to, I mean he does have a lot going on and it's most likely just me. I know he isn't that type of person and he's shown me so many times how much he loves me. I hate the type of person I am but I am learning slowly. 

12:27 pm
My boyfriend texted me almost an hour ago and asked if I wanted to go see a car with him!! I mean, I'm not really into cars but I just want to see him. I'm so happy, I thought I was just going to see him tomorrow but I guess not.. Ah, I just want work to be over with already!

1:58 pm

I don't know why but I feel a pit in my stomach, what am I anxious about?

7:37 pm

I'm home! I spent the whole day with my boyfriend, I'm currently eating cucumbers and hopefully gonna draw after. Today wasn't so eventful. :)

[catluver3]

small things to improve your life 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

compliment people more often

pick up a crafty hobby

start to learn a language that you've always wanted to speak

take more photos and videos

watch movies, documentaries, shows, read, write, etc etc..

practice your makeup skills and try different styles

law of affirmation

start a blog (or just read mine hehe <3)

write essays on whatever interests you at the moment

make new playlists and update old ones

workout, stretch, go for walks

allow yourself to be bored sometimes; you don't have to constantly be doing things

talk to yourself with love and kindness

go thrifting and update your wardrobe

try new coffee shops and find your favourite one

embody the energy that you'd like to attract

dress up every day, you don't need a special occasion to wear your favourite outfits

decorate and rearrange your room until it feels like you

journal and write about your day, dreams, and ideas

manifest and visualise

reach out to your friends more often

visit more museums and art galleries

talk to the moon

As always, please feel free to share your own suggestions and tips in the comments! <3

my insta: @ malusokay

love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[catluver3]

It's late, 10pm and yet no matter how much I toss and turn with my phone in my hand; the pounding on my left side of my head won't go away.

I did a couple of things today, I drew a lot. Colored some characters reference on a story I want to make. In a way, I'm excited. Smiling from ear to ear on just the different possibilities that could come from this simple idea.

I just want to sleep, close my eyes and lay my head on my pillow while I snuggle with my weighted dinosaur plush but sleep seems to be harsh on me these days. Ignoring me like I'm just the wind on some random day.

It sucks.

Everything sucks right now.

I want to get my drivers license, I want to see my boyfriend, I want my packages to come already, I want to sleep.

Sleep

sleep

slep

sleep is all I want.

I want to sleep forever and just never wake up but if I did that, I wouldn't be able to taste the sweet pancakes from the Denny's place just miles away. I wouldn't be able to eat those ranch dripped fries I love so much, sweet cookies that melt on my tongue or the brownies I love with all my heart that my boyfriend makes. At the end of the day, I have so many wants, so many needs yet so many buts.

It's hard sometimes but I'll manage.

[catluver3]

I want someone who admires me with the same intensity as they admire the moon and the stars.