cha-rls

[cha-rls]

You are perfect (Maki Zenin x Reader)

(This is my first publication and I'm really sorry for the bad English, it's not my first language)

Advice: Fem reader, angst, anorexia, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, blood, thoughts of self-destruction.

Summary: You have problems with food because of your body and your weight, that's why you have very strict diets where you don't eat anything, your girlfriend Maki worried about your health tries to make you eat a little but because of that you can't help but feel like a failure, even so Maki will always support you and love you just the way you are, because for her you are already perfect

You were in your room staring at yourself in the mirror and you couldn't stand to see the same thing again, your body, no matter how much exercise you did, how many diets you had, you felt like it wasn't working and you weren't losing weight… all you saw was your horrible body that you hated so much.

You gently looked away from the mirror and tried to distract yourself from the thoughts you had in your head, but nothing you did was useful, you tried to sleep, you tried to watch a movie, you even decided to try looking at some social network… that was probably the worst idea of all, the more you scrolled down the more pictures and videos of models with perfect bodies appeared on the screen of your cell phone, you wished your body was like those models, but no matter how hard you tried… you felt you would never achieve it.

At the thought of that nausea went through your throat, reminding you of the little dessert you had allowed yourself to eat recently since your girlfriend had bought it for you and insisted you eat something, now you felt dirty, maybe that was why you were not seeing results, because you were not being demanding enough with your water only diet, although your girlfriend Maki was the one who insisted you eat, you didn't blame her, you blamed yourself for not having willpower and ruining the process of having that perfect body.

You couldn't take it anymore and ran to the bathroom, you locked the door behind you and leaned over the toilet waiting to vomit, even though you had nausea stuck in your throat you couldn't get anything out so you put your hand inside your mouth trying to touch your throat, you were retching in the process and the sensation was very uncomfortable, you still kept trying until you finally vomited, to your surprise it was not much and you still felt that you had the food inside you, so you did it again, without realizing it because of the pressure of your hand in your mouth you bit your knuckles hard until blood started to come out, still you never stopped, you wanted to throw out everything you had consumed from your body and once again you vomited again.

You didn't know whether to feel happy, guilty or sad, maybe all those emotions at the same time, you felt a relief in your chest that you had gotten rid of the food, but you also felt sad and guilty because you had promised Maki that you would never do that again and there you were… sitting on the bathroom floor breaking that promise.

You heard some knocking on the bathroom door bringing you out of your thoughts “Honey, are you okay?” It was Maki, she probably noticed how you entered the bathroom in a desperate way and heard the noises you made, you quickly panicked, you were afraid Maki would find out what you had done, you were afraid she would get mad at you and finally see you as you are, horrible and decide to leave you “Yes! I'm fine don't worry, I'll be out in a moment” you said trying to sound as calm as possible, but your attempt was not good enough to fool your girlfriend “We already talked about this… you know you can trust me right? “ “Of course I do-” Maki interrupted you “Then open the door and let me in, I swear I won't get mad at you… all I want is to help you… please let me do it” Her voice sounded more sensitive than usual, even a bit brittle, your vision became blurry as she spoke “It's okay…” You answered her as you slowly opened the bathroom door, you had already wiped your mouth and the mess you had made, but everything else was still the same, even the blood on your hand your girlfriend said as she walked in “It's ok honey, I'm with you, you're ok, you're safe” she said as she hugged you against her chest slowly caressing your head and back, you could no longer repress your emotions and you hugged her tightly clinging to her as if your life depended on it, you placed your head in the space between her shoulder and her head and cried, you let go of all those tears you were holding back as you felt protected in Maki's arms, she said nothing, she just kept caressing your body gently in silence giving you space to let off steam and showing support

“Sorry… I'm… I'm so sorry, I know I promised you I wouldn't do it again but… I couldn't help it…” you told her through tears with your voice cracking clinging tightly to her body fearing that she would leave and abandon you “it's ok, I know you are trying and that's what matters” he said hugging you tighter ”But still…” You weren't convinced with that, you didn't feel like you were trying, you felt guilty and you think Maki deserves someone better “Look me in the eyes” she grabbed your chin tilting your head up forcing you to stare at her “Stop being so hard on yourself, honey there is no one as amazing as you and I need you to believe it yourself too” Her voice sounded sincere and kind "There are many people who would be better for you, who have a better body and personality, especially people who wouldn't break a promise for a stupid thing like I did…” You averted your gaze avoiding looking at her, even if you said that you were afraid that she would believe it too “Honey… you are perfect just the way you are, you are beautiful and you are too good for this world, I wish you looked like I see you.”