chaoswhisperer-blog

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I need to hear this from time to time, after many years of being criticized for doing "nothing".

You’re allowed to eat. You’re allowed to be lazy. You’re allowed to take breaks. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to take care of yourself. You’re allowed to live for yourself.

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The Struggles of Recovery

Yesterday, while I was cooking dinner, there was a knock at my door and I opened it to the aforementioned next-door neighbor who was involved in the screaming match a couple of days ago.

My body involuntarily tensed up because I didn't know what she wanted to talk to me about. It was the first time I'd seen her up close and personal because before then, she showed no interest in being all that neighborly, other than the casual "hello" in passing.

I fully expected a confrontation because her boyfriend chose to confide in us about what was going on. Instead what I got was an apology and tears. It was obvious that she was still affected by whatever she was using because she was very dramatic and emotional. She was very animated, and involuntarily so. She looked gaunt and hauntingly sad.

The screaming arguments between them, days earlier, were difficult to ignore as our walls are very thin. Normal conversation comes through as muffled, but screaming comes through loud and clear. By the end of their argument, we knew her drug of choice {meth} and so, being face to face with her, talking to her was a new experience for me. Based on what I saw, I know she has a violent temper and I did not want to say anything to provoke her so I kept my tone even when I spoke.

In her apology, she said she wondered why the neighbors seemed to "rally" around her boyfriend for support without bothering to ask her if she was okay. Her reasoning was that he doesn't even live in the neighborhood so why should anyone care about him? I explained that we didn't seek him out; the day after the argument, he was out there working on her car which was parked next to one of ours and since we were leaving to eat out, he started talking to us, explaining what had happened. He said that he was fixing her car so that her son had a ride to school, despite how she treated him, and that showed us the sort of person he is. We listened and shared our experiences with him. We shared our concern. So, I explained to her that we are available to listen to anyone who wishes to confide in us and that's why we were talking to her boyfriend ~ he talked to us voluntarily. I told her that we were not nosey by nature and did not seek him out for information. She then said that she would be going to rehab on Monday and I wished her the best of luck with that.

Despite that the conversation was brief, it impacted me in ways I never thought it would. There were certain elements that felt reminiscent of experiences in my past ~ 1/ the walking on eggshells to avoid escalation; 2/ the feelings of helplessness while watching someone self-destruct; 3/ the heartbreak of watching my alcoholic father telling us what he thought we wanted to hear ~ empty apologies, leading to broken promises; 4/ the memories of my own volatile marriage to a man {8" taller than me} who once pinned me against our bedroom door and screamed at the top of his lungs into my face; 5/ the knowledge that, as an empath, I was {again} drawn into the drama of someone I barely know, but experiencing the same feelings as if it were a family member.

As it stands now, the boyfriend has moved out {with a desire to keep in touch with us}. I pray that she sticks to her decision to go to rehab, not only for herself but also for her son who is too young to understand what's going on. As someone who has lived through the pain of alcoholism/valium addiction}, courtesy of my father, I know that it takes a long time to heal from that pain. It was for that reason that I choose to not drink except on rare occasions because I made a vow that I was never going to risk subjecting my kiddos to that sort of pain. Ever.

I'm praying for her to get her life back on track. It just so happens that I believe in miracles. <3

“Not feeling is no replacement for reality. Your problems today are still your problems tomorrow.” ~ Larry Michael Dredla

[chaoswhisperer-blog]

Most days, I feel like a human drama magnet.

I'm not even one of those people who goes looking for drama. I'm not addicted to it. I don't thrive on it. I have a really hard time recuperating from it when it happens because it takes me a while to replenish my energy levels.

Yesterday, our neighborhood was subjected to a screaming match in the street, courtesy of our next-door neighbors. She was behaving erratically all day {substance abuse} and then proceeded to air all her dirty business while fighting with her boyfriend, who was doing his best to diffuse the situation.

Now, there are many signs that a relationship is past its sell-by date. That couple had a long list to begin with. When two people cannot confine their arguments quietly and privately within the walls of their home, it's time to consider parting ways. Holding a screaming match for all to see is not a good look. Further, if someone is capable of bringing out the worst in their partner, s/he should not be in a relationship.

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Just recently, I was forced to accept that one of the people I considered "like a sister" to me was someone I never really knew {despite having known her for nearly 40 years}.

The hints of this "friend's" true, mean-spirited colors were always there; I just chose to ignore them or brush them off as the standard "juvenile" mindset. We've all been in relationships with people whose questionable behavior make us raise an eyebrow until it's forgotten...until we reference it again for very good reason.

It only takes one issue for us to look more closely at the historical events over the course of a long-term friendship. In my case, it was a difference of opinion over politics and this "friend's" decision to cease communication, as a result of those differences. I accepted that those differences permanently {negatively} affected our friendship; what I didn't like was the way she handled the whole situation. Instead of messaging me directly to explain how she felt, she chose a more passive-agressive means of "communicating" via posts and articles shared on her Facebook timeline. Her posts consisted of abuse-laden diatribes while she blatantly ignored my attempts to discuss things in private. Additionally, she would warmly engage with everyone on Facebook...except me.

In retrospect, I started remembering things that happened when we were in high school. I thought about the year-long'ish feud we had through most of our Senior year. As I got older, I learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they conduct themselves in a long-term feud. My mother taught me to always act with dignity and grace, regardless of how others treat me and I've always strived to apply that to all of my relationships. During the feud with this friend in high school, I simply left her alone and respected her need for space. I didn't try to make eye contact across a classroom so that I could give her death stares. I didn't badmouth her to other people. I knew it was best to get on with my school work and avoid her whenever I needed to. She, on the other hand, didn't share the same philosophy. She was what I now call a "prickly pear"; she exuded the anger she felt toward me. Whatever she could do to display her anger, she did ~ turned her back on me when passing me, dagger stares, and she even did the ol' "head scratch with the middle finger" thing to subtly flip me off. She didn't have to say anything to let me know how she felt. I could feel the extreme venom within her, just by looking at her.

In the years since, we had a few ups and downs, but I genuinely believed that we were over all the high school pettiness. We got along fairly well, for the most part, but I now realize that it was because I kept my mouth shut about my beliefs. She was okay with me, as long as I agreed with her and, when I recently admitted my difference of opinion, I realized I was having a flashback to the feud in high school. That same "prickly pear" was back, only with way more bitterness.

I admit that, despite how she treated me, I still had trouble with letting her go due to the longevity of the friendship. There were things I felt sentimental about. We grew up together. We did support each other through rough times. We knew each other's innermost secrets, and our families even got to know each other over the years. We shared a lot of things. That being said, the longevity of such a friendship doesn't give either party a license to be abusive or nasty. Although I couldn't remember what life was like without her in it, I also couldn't see a way forward. She'd said too many hurtful things against my character {despite having known me for so long} and not just out of anger either ~ she truly believes what she has said about me. My point is, as much as we don't want to, we sometimes have to accept that certain people no longer have a place in our world, particularly if their goal has become to abuse us or cause us pain for whatever reason. Nobody ever wants to end a friendship, even if it becomes toxic, but our well-being must come above all else.

We must always consider the historical aspects of any friendship. Pattern behavior must be taken seriously because it will continue to happen for as long as we allow. Pay close attention during arguments because how people conduct themselves when angry is indicative of who they really are. Some people hide their "fugly" behind a mask but, sooner or later, that mask slips. I think of it as a test of boundaries. We can call someone out all we want, but if we continuously allow them to overstep those boundaries, that mask will slip off further and more frequently to reveal more {and perhaps more extreme} "fugly".

I can tell you right now...NO relationship is worth that.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~ Maya Angelou

[chaoswhisperer-blog]

Autumn is so beautiful. I almost wish it was a year-round season.

nature

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Radiate positive ripples always. ❤️🌺

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This image makes me want to stay in one of those glass igloos for a while. You know the ones I mean. There's a bed, encased in warm fuzzy coziness in the middle of a vast, extremely ice-cold outside. And all you really want to do is lie there and gaze upwards, contemplating the mysteriousness of the universe.

I resist the mutterings that we are small and insignificant. I get the overall concept of those mutterings ~ our perceived problems are minuscule when we consider we're on this tiny planet in the middle of one of countless galaxies. BUT...we exist. We are part of this universe. What happens in OUR world is significant to us because we're the ones affected by what happens to us. We have a purpose here, even if we don't know what it is. Maybe we're being watched by other civilizations as a teaching tool. Our maybe our souls drive the direction of the human race, armed with the lessons learned in each physical journey.

Whatever the case may be, I truly believe that we must strive to live our lives in the best possible because there is a higher purpose. We can't discount the possibility of life after death simply because some people don't believe in it and choose to attribute it to something "scientific". The bottom line is, we don't really know.

Nature didn't just "happen" or evolve into something so perfectly complex. We only have to look at the cycles of nature and the way the human body works to see that. Don't dismiss without really considering.

This brings me back to my original thought ~ gazing up into the heavens and really thinking about our place here. Although we have a limited lifetime, it's still plenty enough time to learn that one can exist for many decades without making a difference. Some people choose a legacy of infamy; others merely exist asking what's in it for them. The tragedy is when someone lives for 70+ years without a shred of remembrance after treating everyone so poorly that those left behind would rather forget than to relive the pain. That's no existence. Who wants to be remembered for negativity?

Over the years, I have reconnected with many school friends on Facebook and one of the things that I've noticed is when people tell me what they remember most about me in school ~ that I treated them with kindness, even if other people didn't. People remember kindness and gravitate toward those they remember being kind to them, regardless of how many years pass. It's for that reason that I thank my mom for the way she raised me. People still talk about my mom after her passing 3 years ago and they remember her fondly. Nobody talks about my father who passed away nearly 20 years ago. The only time he ever comes up in the conversation is when I talk about the abuse and alcoholism. Some legacy.

We all have to find our way in this world. Taking the time to think about the mark we leave after we're gone has the potential to change how we behave in our lives and toward other people. We were never meant to be the center of any universe. Our needs are important but not THE most important. There's something to be said about compassion, kindness, and generosity ~ those are the things we should strive to be remembered for. Always.

“I would rather live my life as if there is a god and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is.” ~ Albert Camus

travel

[chaoswhisperer-blog]

Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t deserve you. The one who’s meant for you is out there. You may have already met this person…or not. You may reconnect with someone you thought was out of your life forever. The bottom line is, you will meet the right person when it’s precisely the right time, and not a moment before. Why? Because it’s at that exact moment that you’re ready to face the future together, armed with all the knowledge you need to make your relationship an amazing one.

Trust me. I know from experience. It happened to me when I least expected it to.

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Do not conform to the pattern of this world.

Romans 12:2 (via pinkwinged)

Not if my life depended on it. I guard my ability to think for myself...FIERCELY. 

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This unprocessed image shows features in Saturn’s atmosphere from closer than ever before. The view was captured by our Cassini spacecraft during its first Grand Finale dive between the planet and its rings on April 26, 2017.

As Cassini dove through the gap, it came within about 1,900 miles (3,000 kilometers) of Saturn’s cloud tops (where the air pressure is 1 bar – comparable to the atmospheric pressure of Earth at sea level) and within about 200 miles (300 kilometers) of the innermost visible edge of the rings.

See all the unprocessed images from Cassini: https://saturn.jpl.nasa.gov/galleries/raw-images/ 

Make sure to follow us on Tumblr for your regular dose of space: http://nasa.tumblr.com

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Fight Or Flight

I can’t breathe.

The anxiety has set in and it’s fight or flight. I can’t think straight. Like, I’m terribly upset and I can’t make people understand why. Sometimes, the thoughts and words fail me and, although I don’t understand the reasons for the way I feel, I know those feelings run very deep.

Today was hard. I dealt with 2 extremely vile people who were causing drama in an online community I belong to. My exchange with them through instant messaging was stressful enough to trigger a PTSD episode. It was like talking to narcissistic exes all over again. There was a total, blatant lack of empathy and consideration for the misery they were causing a friend of mine. They’re the sort of people that insist on having “the last word”. They're the sort of people who treat those who dare to disagree with or challenge them like they’re sub-human. They’re the sort of people who would step over the body of someone dying in the street.

Frankly, I’m tired of dealing people who are too concerned with getting/doing whatever the fuck they please without regard for the feelings of others. Is being right and/or getting what you want worth the pain it causes other people?

I think not.

[chaoswhisperer-blog]

It's the pain that makes us truly appreciate pleasure. #balance #yingyang

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When Family Drifts...

It’s an excruciating thing when you realize that your flesh and blood siblings stop counting you as “family”. After trying to have a relationship for 3 years ~ and failing ~ it has become painful to even try. Who wants to experience rejection like that on a regular basis?

In the past 5 years, my sister:

kicked my son and me out of her house because we were “interfering” with her ability to clean her already-immaculate home;

refused to have lunch with me when our mother was dying in hospice because she was more interested in spending time with an out-of-town cousin;

made me feel like an outsider at my mother’s funeral;

kicked my children and me out of her house after my mother’s funeral because she wanted to spend more time with the out-of-town cousin that she spent every moment with for an entire week;

inherited the bulk of my mother’s estate and her car;

cleaned out most of my mother’s belongings without me, so I don’t know what my sister took before she “allowed” me into her house to see what was left;

refused to drive 30 miles to be with me when my grandchild was born;

has not bothered to meet my grandchild in the 9 months since her birth;

refuses to call my grandchild by her name because she doesn’t like that my grandchild was named after my grandmother;

gradually phased out the family get-togethers, which means we see each other about once a year {if that}, even though we live 30 miles from each other;

drove 6 hours to Houston, to spend the weekend with the same out-of-town cousin mentioned above...but won’t drive the half-hour it takes to come visit me.

The clincher? My brother is even less interested if that’s possible.

I’m left wondering how it could get to the point where the two other people my parents birthed and raised didn’t have the ability to sustain lasting relationships after our parents departed this Earth? How is it that we are the only “branch” of my mother’s family tree that have no contact with each other? Our cousins are all close with their siblings. They get together for everything ~ occasions, holidays, and they even take vacations together. What did their parents do that mine didn’t? Maybe it was the fact that my father didn’t exactly promote feelings of “togetherness” because he was too busy being an alcoholic. Maybe their parents sat them down and instilled the importance of sticking together to keep the family going. It’s a conversation I have had with my kiddos ~ always look out for each other no matter what and cherish your sibling bond.

When I look at my siblings, I see greed and selfishness. I see narcissistic entitlement. They both talk about themselves excessively and boast about what they do. They have continuously put their feelings above others, making me feel like I don’t matter because I’m the youngest. It’s not even that I feel like I fit into their world anymore...but it’s heartbreaking to lose an entire family in one fell swoop. When I was born, we were 5. I feel like I was duped into believing that I mattered, but I now see that my existence was merely an inconvenience that my siblings tolerated for as long as my mother was alive. My mother never made me feel that way, but she’s gone now.

Today, Easter Sunday, my sister didn’t reach out to me. I wished her a Happy Easter and she responded {lukewarmly}, but if I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have. The grief over my family is heavier on days like today because the memories of how things used to be are still vivid. We had a house full of people when family actually meant something.

I just wish it still did.

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The Challenges & Changes of Motherhood

“Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Motherhood has been a uniquely challenging experience for me. When I had my kiddos, I took my role as a mom very seriously; raising them has always been my responsibility, with or without the support of their fathers. 

I made poor choices in my relationships and, as a result, I wound up marrying/divorcing 2 men within the span of 23 years. Neither proved to be great dads to my kiddos, which meant I raised both of them singlehandedly. I had to be their nurturer andtheir disciplinarian and finding that balance was really difficult...not impossible, but difficult. 

Other than the usual challenges in their early years, I didn’t have any problems with discipline. My son had a language disorder that required intense support throughout his school career. His teachers, school principal, and everyone else involved in his long-term care praised him and assured me that there were no behavioral problems. At the time I was thankful, but I didn’t think much of it; when there are zero behavioral problems, it’s something you don’t think about until there are.

My daughter has always been an outgoing person and she has a beautiful spirit. Her early years were peaceful and her teachers all praised her for her work and enthusiasm for helping during recess. Sadly, my kiddos never saw us act loving toward each other. My daughter’s father was abusive and used her as a tool for revenge. He relished the idea of undoing everything I did to raise my kiddos properly, with little regard to the long-term effects.

It was when my daughter was 11 or 12 that her father worked harder to alienate her from me. And he succeeded. She eventually decided to live with him, due to his passive parenting methods. There were no consequences for bad behavior and whatever she asked for she got. He even encouraged her to act disrespectfully toward me and that disrespect eventually turned into abuse. 

He passed away a little over a year after she moved in with him and, by then, she’d attempted suicide 3 times. She was self-harming, drinking, smoking, and on anti-depressants. People say that it was all down to being a teenager, but that’s not all it was. Living with a parent who didn’t enforce rules or boundaries affected her ability to trust or respect any authority figure ~ especially me. After her father’s passing, she had to come live with me and, by that time, her mind was well and truly poisoned against me. 

Four years later, we have managed to heal our relationship, but the challenges I faced following her father’s death were tremendous. She continued to self-harm and wound up in the hospital 4 times in one year. After countless police visits, a long list of anti-depressants and 5 counselors, she got pregnant at 16. School, graduation, and getting a GED fell by the wayside. She now lives elsewhere and, although we get along much better now, there’s still a lot of anger and hurt on both sides. 

I would love for us to be more compatible with living under the same roof, but doing so creates more stress for both of us. As a mother, I have learned that I need to know when to take a step back and let my kiddos find their way by themselves. My daughter has a daughter of her own now and she now needs to learn all about being a mom herself. 

In the meantime, I am adapting to the change in my role as a mom. The transition is difficult; it wasn’t long ago that I was the one my kids needed for the many things that only a mom can give. Now, I’m a supportive advisor, focusing more on my life...trying to not freak out over “empty nest syndrome”. 

Sometimes, I’m successful and, others, I would give anything to go back and cuddle my little ones for just a little bit longer. 

<3  

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Awesome.