chats-make-me-laugh

[chats-make-me-laugh]

Mike: Did you see George’s face? I wasn’t this happy when my kids were born.

Susie: You’re a sick fuck Mike.

Mike: Yeah, okay. I think I’ll go home and have dinner with my wife for once.

Susie: It’s 10:30!

Mike: It’s New York City, Susie, don’t be so suburban.

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Alan: The charges include aggravated assault and disorderly conduct.

Susie: Wait, they’re charging her for assaulting a guy who was assaulting somebody else first?

Alan: There’s more.

Susie: More?

Midge: The boat was far enough out from Manhattan that, technically, we were on a stretch of water that’s considered “international”.

Susie: What?

Midge: So France may have to weigh in.

Susie: France. Like, FRANCE France?

Gordon: That’s idiotic.

Alan: There’s more.

Susie: The “More” Guy!

George: Continue.

Midge: Since the guy’s wallet was in his jacket, and there was money in his wallet, and on a boat, money is considered treasure, I technically committed an act of piracy.

Susie: Fuck me you’re a pirate?!

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Susie: Let me get this straight: you are working at the insurance office that we defrauded and occasionally doing stuff to the insurance agent, who is now technically in on the fraud?!

Tess: That’s what happens sometimes when you sleep with guys.

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Bringing a Therapist to a Carrington Dispute

Therapist: The emergency session made me think this was a domestic dispute. Alexis: It is! He cheated on me. Adam: Ugh, I did not! Therapist: Okay, now I'm even more confused. Alexis: You cheated on our company - Adam: Because you stole my drug - Alexis: Because you framed me for murder - Adam: Because you paid someone to break up me and Kirby! - Therapist: Okay! Uh, the session is only 45 minutes. As much as I appreciate a litany of grievances, perhaps a truce is what's needed, yeah? Alexis: I already truced. And that's after he burned my face off. Therapist: I-I don't think hyperbolic metaphors - Adam: Burning your face was the only way I could get you to listen to me, and it only lasted until the gauze was removed. Therapist: Okay. So, apparently, not a metaphor.

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House: What's the good news, what's the bad news? Chase: Congestive heart failure. House: ...is which? Chase: Is good news? House: Why? Chase: I don't know, it just sounded like you.

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Cristal: So why don't we send the blueprints to an actual international rescue group, instead of depending on a doctor and a...well... Liam: ...A writer? Adam: Because the UN advises all international rescue groups not to go to Moldavia. Private security won't even got here. Cristal: So what makes you think you can do it? Adam: Look look, we're not going there to fight. We're simply going there to casually break in and... Adam + Liam: ..un-kidnap.. Adam: ...two innocent people Cristal: I think we should tell Fallon.

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Wednesday: How do you lose him in a bathroom with no windows? Thing: *shrugs* Wednesday: A lefty wouldn't have failed me.

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Luther: Our doppelgangers! Klaus: That's a made-up word. Luther: No, no, I learned all about this in Texas! Tell them about the paranoid psychosis, Five! Diego: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought you said this wasn't a problem! Five: Okay, yes, technically if you're near your doppel for long, you'll go insane. So, if you ever see your other self -- Diego: Kill them. Klaus: Sleep with them. Five: -- avoid them! Luther: What the hell is wrong with you? Klaus: Oh, come on, as if you wouldn't climb Luther Mountain.

[chats-make-me-laugh]

Five: Hey, Diego. I just spent the past 20 straight days saving the world. Twice. Can I get five minutes to relax before figuring all the new kinks out? Please and thank you.

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The Umbrella Academy and Love

Klaus: Who in this room knows shit about relationships? I mean this one *gestures to Vanya* in secret love with some farm Frau --

Vanya: Her name's Sissy.

Klaus: -- which is an improvement on her previous love interest, *Allison shakes head* the serial killer.

Vanya: What?!

Allison: *whispers* Later.

Klaus: Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch for a soldier I haven't technically not met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.

Allison: Okay, again, we are not biological!

Klaus: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin.

Klaus: The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up.

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She was a horrible mother!  Did I tell you the time she almost traded me for three pigs?  Three!  I was an attractive child, I could juggle, I was worth 5 pigs at least!

Crowley, Supernatural

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English Colonizers

Clare Devlin: It is sorta your fault James, you tore the tickets up.

Erin Quinn: What the hell were you thinking?

James Maguire: I don't know, I was high on adrenaline! Anyways, what's it matter? I was never going to win that fight! The man's the size of a wardrobe!

Erin Quinn: But you're English, James. About five of you managed to colonize half the planet so you know, we thought you might have something up your sleeve.

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Parents want what's best for their children

Rosie Gulliver: Remember, Jing, parents only want what's best for you.

Alfie Wickers: Yeah, I mean, parents always say that, but sometimes what parents actually want is really, really shit for everyone involved.

Frank Grayson: Are you saying my mum ain't good enough for your saggy, bollocksed, prick of a dad?

Alfie Wickers: No Frank. What I'm saying is that when my father is motorboating your ridiculously-titted dog-bothering mother over breakfast, that perhaps they don't have our best interests at heart.

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Alfie Wickers: How old is Fred West?

Rose Gulliver: My date? Twenty-three.

Alfie Wickers: Twenty-three?! But I'm twenty-three!

Rose Gulliver: Yeah, but he's an old twenty-three.

Alfie Wickers: It's like this many sleeps 'til I'm twenty-four!

Rose Gulliver: Yeah, but he's a teacher.

Alfie Wickers: I'm a teacher!

Rose Gulliver: He teaches mentally challenged children.

Alfie Wickers: Have you seen my class?

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Knowledge is Power

Alfie Wickers: What have you got to hand in?

Mitchell Harper: Oh, here we go. *slams books down into box labeled "Weapons Amnesty"*

Alfie Wickers: This is your science homework.

Mitchell Harper: Knowledge is power, sir. If I become a brilliant scientist, I could end our worlds with the flick of a switch.

Alfie Wickers: The only thing YOU could contribute to science is your body.

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Alfie Wickers: Look, when I was your age, I had an N64. And that had far better games on it than Tokyo Sin...Zelda.

Mitchell Harper: What'd you do in that one sir? Dress up like a bender and play the flute?

Alfie Wickers: It was an *ocarina*.

Mitchell Harper: Oh wow, an *ocarina*. Bet that helped you get the ladies.

Alfie Wickers: Yeah, it did, actually, Mitchell. Maybe I should lend it to your sister.

[chats-make-me-laugh]

Clare: My god, I'm sweltered here!

Erin: Then take it off!

Clare: I can't take it off, I've nothing underneath it.

Erin: What, not even a bra?

Michelle: Jesus, Clare you've no bra on?

Clare: Of course, I've got a bra on!

Orla: I haven't got a bra on.

James: Can everyone please stop saying "bra".