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[chilledplantmum]

In 2017 I moved in with my partner of 7 years we built the house from scratch with a ‘gift’ from his family of 30,000

We moved in and the violence started and escalated I developed an eating disorder and I was held at knife point and guilted into sex everyday and if refused it would be 3 days punishment of silence.

I would come home exhausted from full time work everyday and have to undo all the mess that man had left and he would say you need to keep on top of the chores I don’t have any underwear left.

My job at the time was a social worker with the homeless in st kilda where I received death threats regularly and tried my best to stop people over dosing or trying to hurt themselves.

An ambulance or police attendance was not foreign everyday was a fight to help others at the detriment of my own mental health.

I couldn’t not count how many people thanked me for stopping them from suicide or overdose.

The day I left I was verbally assaulted and threatened with death on my way to work.. I ran to my workplace in tears and they said take the day off and said that I would have to use my sick leave as it happened on the way to work.. this was confirmed by work cover calling to see if I could make a claim...

I left shortly after and then the man I was with started financially abusing me all the money in our joint savings account was disappearing in the thousands he claimed it was $1000 for our electricity bill which was my fault as I never turned the lights off....

He brought himself a brand new car which cost $25,000 and we remortgaged the house to pay it off, he stole my credit card and maxed it out...

He then got into a car crash with my personal car wrote it off and got a loan for a new one for me in his name with the deposit coming from insurance...

He then started suffering severe mental health and would often call me at work saying he had cut his legs open and needed me to take him to hospital...

I begged the outreach team to take on his case they refused as he was ‘fully functional’ in his face to face appointments.

I started finally working at a new job with youth services working to reduce juvenile offending and since I started I kept over 40 young people out of the criminal justice system and 90% surveyed that has interactions with me their mental health and self esteem improved.

I then being financially independent as tired of the abuse from my ex partner which had only escalated to more violence threats and sexual assaults which then turned into him denying they ever happened.

The day I packed up and left was the day he hit me across the face and seconds later said it didn’t happen.

He threatened to kill himself if I left and I said I just couldn’t do it anymore so he took my car and said you’ll never see me again...

I called the police and told them what was going on and they said they’ll do a search and put out a report and did a welfare check on me and said would you like to file an AVO I said no as if he’s still alive it would just put me in more harms way.

The psych team called me 4 hours later and said do you know this man and I said yes and they said we have no beds can you take him home?

I said no he longer has a place to come too and I’m moving in to crisis accommodation.

They asked me to pack him a bag of clothes and said I could drop it off at the door but the psych team made me drop in his room and I’ll never forget the death stare he gave me.

So I put the house on the market and just as I was about to sell it he said he would not sign the contract unless I gave the 30,000 back that was stated in the stat dec it was a gift so he could not do this... I called a lawyer while at work and they said I was entitled to the money but the cost of fighting it would see me lose any money I was able to get to move out.

So I signed it gave it back the house was sold and in the new property I made a deposit and my mum gave me the missing bit of money I needed to get over the threshold for the deposit and to reach 95% of the loan.

I collected all my things and moved everything myself with the help of a amazing moving company.

I was still working full time but the mortgage was still a bit unmanageable so I rented out 2 rooms of my 3 bedroom unit.

I didn’t over capiltilise I chose the smallest unit that worked for my lifestyle.

6 months after I moved in and had still been working full time I had 3 mentally ill youths on my 20+ caseload, they all attempted suicide and I spent weeks taking them in and out of hospital and then when another youth was caught and put in custody for a long sentence for shoplifting at 14. I made sure all my kids were safe went home and tried to take my life. I survived luckily and spent 2 weeks in the John cade ward.

While I was in hospital my roommates trashed my house and when I finally got home my house smelt of weed and urine I asked them to leave and stayed at my mum’s with my dog for awhile.

I got back to work 4 weeks later major exhaustion and depression setting in and the first symptoms of a major disability and health crisis to come.

After a year on my own and working to pay as much of my mortgage off as possible. I finally met someone 2 months later I was diagnosed with osteo arthritis and burstitis in both hips and the exhaustion was never ending.

I started a new project as I had become a senior member of the youth work team, I was working towards a community project with refugee and at risk youth communities to get feedback for how to improve youth services to reduce youth offending in the melbourne west community.

And then the workload doubled the pressure was intense and the long hours with my mental and psychical health declining for a mystery cause that lead to a few close calls on the way home in my car from work from exhaustion to the point of nearly falling asleep at the wheel.

Being on call to some of the more severe youth cases was becoming too much and lack of support from child protection and other gaps in government funding with an over saturation of punitive measures for youth I ended driving myself to hospital Emergency after a confrontation with my superior.

After that I felt like a complete and utter failure fighting for kids that were just abused and neglected and I couldn’t help them.

My family finally had to beg me to let go of working for the sake of keeping me alive.

My new partner moved in and then coronavirus lock down began in Victoria. We had an unsuspected surprise that I fell pregnant and I was so happy, I had a very sick and prolonged health crisis in pregnancy and in august at 22 weeks I had a severe infection we lost our son and I ended barely surviving in ICU including not having any visitors besides my partner for 2 hours a day once a day due to covid hospital restrictions.

After the still birth I came home and was still suffering extreme pain and was refused care by the hospital and I was making it up.

I went private and was found to have retained infected placenta. I had another round of the strongest antibiotics available.

Shortly after I had been referred to a private rheumatologist and not only was a I diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis it was found I had juvenile arthritis my entire life.

I then lost my uncle and could not attend the funeral again because of covid stage 4 lockdown.

I struggled through the Christmas period staying locked down due to severe pain even though lockdown had been eased.

I finally succeeded to apply for the disability support pension as I knew I could not pay my mortgage when the corona virus supplement had ended and motherhood was not an option until remission occurs as my disability had gotten so severe my partner had become my full time carer. He also was approved for the carers payment to care for myself and my disability.

I was knocked back not for the reason of missing the points or stabilization of my condition as I had both. It was rejected on the condition of that had not been in a program of support long enough.

The mortgage payments are due to start back this week and we will survive but not comfortably as my walker has broken and I was rejected for NDIS support due to ineligibility for not being disabled enough. So I will have to either wait another month for the appeal process or self fund a walker. Meanwhile not being able to access the community due to lack of accessibility.

This week has been breaking point as my job provider called and said I had been transferred to the DES and would need to do 18 months of job searching even though my hands are now cramped everyday and are starting to deform from overuse, inflammation and rheumatoid arthritis degeneration. The inflammation is causing severe aphasia daily and my carer now has to take all calls from DES and CENTRELINK as I just have a panic attack on instant call dial and pick up.

The fact that I was told if I do not attend an appointment if I was too sick I would have my payments suspended.

I also have just been rejected from the DSP from the second time and now I haven’t checked but legally I cannot work from my Total and permanent disability approved claim however having been rejected by my DSP claim and having to apply for 8 jobs a month as a administrative process however I’m terrified of being sued from the insurance company as I have been deemed unable to work.

Today I am contacting the tribunal today hoping for updates.

[chilledplantmum]

This is what I call the Giant Jaw Breaker theory of trying to get to internal validation

You are starting with a single grain of sugar. It’s you at your core there are cells that make up your genetics. This part is nature.

Then when you're being processed and starting to get bigger you obtain levels of nurture. These include machine parts of where you were born, when, what system and every layer of inequality adds a rough layer that cuts your tongue.

So it begins living your whole life and having layers and layers of people telling you everything you are perceiving in a certain context and how you should feel about them. What you are and aren’t allowed to do.

If we interject gender theory for example girls get a rough layer that is particularly hard to break through as they get older, they are given the layer of anger is not appropriate for a girl.

Boys get given the layer that they are not allowed to feel sad, this becomes harder and thicker as they get older it may greater or equal to anger for girls.

Some people never get to experience taking the layers away. Not for a lack of trying but because they were never given the money or power to buy a gobstopper. Example therapy is expensive and isn’t universally available.

But let’s say you get picked to be able to get a gobstopper and you start the work of licking away the layers until it’s getting rough and hurts your tongue and you bleed.

You take time away to heal. Get frustrated because you can see through those rough grains of sugar there is another layer. And sometimes you get a little gap you can taste.

You try to push through again and your tongue starts bleeding again.

You cry because you won't taste how good the next layer will be and curious to what colour the single grain of sugar is. You know it’s there but you can’t see it yet.

But the next layer is again painful and makes you bleed.

At this point, you search for tools to make you stronger to not feel pain. (Drugs, alcohol, gambling, addictions of any kind) but instead of helping you they hinder you and you addicted and you give up on the gobstopper because it’s easier to not feel the pain.

Some people will try to work through the pain again and again but it just keeps hurting you. They stop and say it hurts too much. At this point, they throw it away. (Eg this could be suicide)

But there’s a small few that will sit and think deeply of how to make it less painful. Maybe it takes you years to think of a different way. Everyone can teach this at a different stage.

Some people will work to the point they understand that they can’t do it themselves and alone and they need tools to help. But the tools will help but they need to learn how to use them to help. And different tools work for different people. ( CBT, DBT, ACT )

So they try a knife, then a spoon, or maybe a supportive person to have a go but it’s not their gobstopper so they’re not going to put up with that pain to help you.

Then one day you realize that being kind and just washing away the rough layers with just a little bit of warm water takes away most of the pain. You have found the tool that works.

But if you leave it in the water too long it melts and you stop learning and getting to take in the next layers of feeling successful.

So you start licking away again.

Until you get the answers you’re looking for.

You have reached Internal Validation

But wait now you got there you want to help every other person in the world reach this level too but you can’t because if you did you’d be in so much pain it starts hurting you.

So now you realize that you have to wait for people to ask for help. You can tell them exactly what to do but they still have to do the work themselves.

And so you step back and as each person learns it and passes the knowledge on it becomes like ripples in the water.

And you can step a back relax and say to yourself that you did a good job and finally enjoy the sweetest sugar in your life.

[chilledplantmum]

I’m so sorry I have to write this:

And again this is a complication of 100’s stories I have been witness too:

IF YOU FEEL TRIGGERED OR FEEL SIMILAR IN ANYWAY YOU DESERVE BETTER YOUR LIFE MATTERS YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Help numbers:

Life line: 13 11 14

Men’s help line: 1300 789 978

Beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

1800 RESPECT

Kids helpline: 1800 55 1800

And

CONTENT WARNING: suicide, mental health, abuse of women and children, death, rape, sexual assault, racism, ableism, sexism, homophobia.

Male manager walks into his males CEO’s office:

MM: Hey mate I need to take a week off I’m really struggling.

CEO: why?

MM: it’s personal

CEO: I’m your CEO your personal life takes a back burner to your leadership in the company.

MM: there are two other managers that can fill my spot.

CEO: one has legitimate medical certificate one is taking annual leave.

MM: to be honest it’s just a week I’ve trained my team well enough to take my role for a week.

CEO: you mean the old black man, the up and coming rainbow boy, or the 20 something piece of ass.

MM: no they’re my team they are just as qualified as I am.

CEO: mate you know black men die younger? I think he has a drinking problem what if Carks it?

MM: please don’t talk about him like that he taught me everything I know.

CEO: or the young guy with rainbows on his t-shirt and pictures of kissing another man on his desk? That bloke doesn’t know if he’s a man or a woman.

MM: please don’t talk about him like that he is dating one of my best mates.

CEO: and don’t you dare tell me that 20yo blonde bimbo is as qualified as you the only reason I let you hire her coz she’s got the person tit to arse ratio.

MM: breaks down in tears

CEO: oh for fucks sake man! Get your shit together. The only man who cries is a pussy.

MM: sir I need a week off please I’m so tired, my dog died this week and my wife’s pregnant and due soon, she’s throwing up every day and still being an amazing mum.

CEO: are you joking! your dog? Boy, I used to live on a farm we used to shoot animals for fun! What are you a fucking vegan!

MM: what about my wife?

CEO: pfft she’s got it easy I wish I could stay home all day and watch tv and do nothing.

MM: but she’s so sick and my toddler is really energetic and needs a lot of attention.

CEO: what kind of father are you? Kids should be seen and not heard, if you can’t get control then your a lazy father.

MM: but he has autism.

CEO: you know what autism is an excuse for bad parenting in my day we gave them kids the belt.

MM: the specialist said that could traumatize him.

CEO: Okay, but you still can’t take a week off.

MM: Can I apply for annual leave?

CEO: I need two weeks to notice, no

MM: sir I’m really not okay, I’m feeling overwhelmed and suicidal.

CEO: suicidal, you should man up it’s not like you fought in the war.

MM: please.

CEO: NO! You can either be grateful for everything I do for you or quit, you’re choice

MM: alright.

MM comes home.

WIFE: Ohh Hunny thank god you're home! Our toddler is in hysterics!

MM: alright I’ll watch a movie with him. Is it okay if I have a nap first?

WIFE: Are you kidding? You don’t know what tired is!

MM: Okay, Hunny.

MM calls his best freind.

BF: hey bro!

MM: dude I’m soo bloody tired my CEO dragged me through the coals today.

BF: you think that’s bad? My brother in law had his jaw broken on the weekend for getting drunk and starting a fight with a security guard at the club!

MM: the man he always gets so violent when he’s drunk.

BF: I know the man but it’s so funny! The dude looks like buzz lightyear! He got a concussion and looks like an old man who’s had a stroke! Man, you gotta see it I made a meme about it!

MM: hey man my wife’s calling out for help she can’t put her socks on because she’s so big now!

BF: Oh dude I’m so sorry her stomach will look like a deflated sack of potatoes, must be like trying to climb a mountain for sex.

MM: man let’s not get into lockerroom talk right now.

BF: dude you sound like a girl. You know if you just grab her buy the pussy and shove it in. That fix how tired you are. Once you're done sit down with a beer and wait for her to make you dinner.

MM: I’m really tired I gotta go.

BF: a man you’re no fun anymore know you’re connected to the ball and chain.

MM: okay man I’ve really gotta go.

BF: bro you’ve got no balls, stop being a snowflake.

MM: takes deep breathe let’s put sigh.

WIFE: oh Hunny you look so sick are you okay?

MM: I think I’m coming down something.

WIFE: alright I’ll make dinner lie down and rest.

MM: I think I need to quit my job.

WIFE: your CEO again?

MM: Yup.

WIFE: why do you let him treat like that?

MM: because I need to support you and the kids I don’t want to lose my job.

WIFE: do you want me to call him and say that our kids sick?

MM: DONT YOU THINK I TRIED THAT! JUST STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH! IM TIRED JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

WIFE: okay hun go to bed you look sick and need a rest. I love you.

MM: love you too. I’m so tired.

Late that night MM goes to the liquor cabinet and drinks to try to sleep.

Feels overwhelmed sees the gun in the safe next to the cabinet.....

NEWSPAPER THE NEXT DAY

WIFE PUSHES GOOD BLOKE TO THE EDGE PREGNANT WOMAN FOUND DEAD WITH TODDLER IN ARMS.

CEO AND BESTFRIEND: He was the best bloke I knew I never saw it coming he never told me. She was yelling at him a lot lately I just didn’t think he would ever snap, it must have been a nasty fight. You see women abuse men too.

[chilledplantmum]

IF YOU FEEL TRIGGERED OR FEEL SIMILAR IN ANYWAY YOU DESERVE BETTER YOUR LIFE MATTERS YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Help numbers:

Life line: 13 11 14

Men’s help line: 1300 789 978

Beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

1800 RESPECT

Kids helpline: 1800 55 1800

And

CONTENT WARNING: suicide, mental health, abuse of women and children, death, rape, sexual assault, racism, ableism, sexism, homophobia.

You know what does my absolute head in?

This:

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: it’s a baby from conception

WOMEN: okay cool awesome I’ll agree but if I agree to that then my miscarriage gets to have a birth certificate, a death certificate and a name?

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Ohhhhh but a miscarriage isn’t a baby if you have a stillbirth you're a murderer.

WOMEN: Butttt there’s not enough funding or research to prevent it.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: But the thing is you’ve got to keep your legs closed to prevent pregnancy

W: can I have birth control?

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: and we will make birth control illegal.

W: Okay so can men take birth control?

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Nope sorry it’s too hard on their mental health.

W: Okay so I can I get my tubes tied.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Nooo you might want kids and you need your husband's permission it’s not your body it’s his body too.

W: Okayyyy then but I don’t like men I’m a lesbian.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: no sorry no tubes tied it’s not worth the risk to your future babies and your non-exsistant change when your not gay anymore.

W: Okay cool but can I donate my body parts when in dead.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: You can sign up but your family or husband says no, then no we can’t take your organs.

W: Okay but I’m going to die if I carry a baby.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: No sorry it’s a baby from conception and you're a murderer if you choose to abort.

W: Okay then can you tell men not to rape me.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Sure as long as you don’t lie and ruin his career.

W: Okay I promise not to hurt men.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Good.

W: But what if he takes the condom off and I don’t notice.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: You asked for it you should have kept your legs closed. And when did I approve condoms? Ehem it feels weird with condoms.

W: okay I’m pregnant can I have some help with the money I have blood clots in my lungs and I’m bed bound.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: The Audacity! if you go on welfare your a drain on the system a drug addict and don’t deserve anything and you had the kid because you’re too lazy to work, they call it the baby bonus for a reason and you took advantage of it.

W: But I’m 10 and my uncle raped me.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: 1. You should have kept your legs closed

2. You probably did something to piss him off.

3. You need a court order to have an abortion and

4. You can deal with the protesters calling you a murderer and giving you death threats.

W: But I’m 10.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: A life is a life.

W: Okay I don’t want to live anymore this is too painful for a 10yo.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: You are sooo selfish to imagine killing a baby like that? You’re so selfish it’s the cowards way out.

W: Okay I choose to give birth but I had a miscarriage.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Prove it.

W: what Umm how?

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: You’re smart you’ll work it out. Otherwise, I’ll charge you with murder.

W: my boyfriend pushed me down the stairs.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: excuse me? That is a good guy, the whole community loves him there’s no way he would snap you must have done something to provoke him.

W: well I yelled at him for cheating on me and slapped him on the face.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: well there you abuse happens to men too I’m charging you with abuse.

W: Okay I proved I miscarried. can the baby that I decided to live to have a birth certificate.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: No it never lived it wasn’t a person.

W: Why? you said it’s a life from conception.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Yes correct but it died before 20 weeks.

W: but...

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: no buts that’s the law.

it never took a breathe it wasn’t a real person.

W: Okay I’m a grieving mother.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Wrong again you never gave birth to a living child you’re not a mum.

W: Okay I’m pregnant again because my partner who I trusted refused to wear a condom.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: what did I say about condoms?

W: can you ask the father to pay. I don’t want to be on welfare with a kid.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Nope prove he’s the father because he never signed the birth certificate.

W: Okay can you ask him for a paternity test?

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: No he won't give consent.

W: okay can you fund my childcare so I can go back to work so I can start contributing to society, also building up my superannuation.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: hard no we are trying to rebuild the economy.

W: can you adopt the baby. I’m can’t do this anymore. I’m getting bigger and bigger as all I can afford is noodles.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: obesity is a choice, how dare you neglect your child’s dietary needs, go for a walk.

W: please I’m tired I need help I’m in debt up to my eyeballs, the banks won’t give me money and I’ve pawned everything I own.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: No. Just No. you asked for this.

W: Okay I’ve killed myself can you donate my organs.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: No your parents said no and you’re going to hell.

W: Can I rest now.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: No your a demon and you can burn in hell.

W: Okay can you tell the guy who raped me he at least did the wrong thing?

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Nope you’re wearing a short skirt and tube top he can’t control himself. He’s a good bloke.

W: But my male dog knows how to sit-stay and when I put his favourite food in front of him he won’t eat it unless I give consent.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Are you comparing men to dogs?

M: Well no...

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: not all men are dogs how dare you to generalize a whole gender. Not all men are like this! Men are so forgotten when it comes to abuse.

W: But but but I love men, my best friend took her boyfriend to the psychologist but he killed her because his mates called him a pussy.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: Nope shut your legs, be quiet and go back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

W: I can’t I’m dead and burning in hell and me and my best friend are drinking cocktails and dreaming about how we can firemen into the sun.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: how dare you joke about killing men! Your grandfather died fighting for our freedom!

W: yer he’s here to giving me a cuddle and having a beer and shaking his head at how much of a wanker you are.

CIS WHITE OLD MAN: how’d he die? A man who served in the army should never be in hell?

W: someone coughed on him in the aged care center and he died from COVID 19.

CIS WHITE OLD Man: but why is he in hell?

W: he decided to join me because not all men are twats.

🤦🏼‍♀️

[chilledplantmum]

CW: stillbirth, mental health, covid 19, trauma

*Names have been changed for privacy and confidentiality reasons

Life line: 13 11 14

Men’s help line: 1300 789 978

Beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

1800 RESPECT

SANDS: pregnancy and infant loss: 1300 072 637

Kids helpline: 1800 551 800

7.50 Monday morning

I was just doing my normal morning routine I was on the loo and I felt this weird sensation I thought Chester had moved away from my bladder as I felt a pop and a gush.

I didn’t panic I just thought it was wee but I called labour and delivery just for an opinion they weren’t concerned and as I had an appointment at 11am so I just chilled out and had breakfast I pushed away any worries because pregnancy teaches you to chill because if you worry about every little thing you’ll go mad. Matt was sleeping as he had had the flu with migraines and temperatures all the previous week and he was buggered. Then I went back to the toilet and I was shocked at that point as I was bleeding bright red blood. So I left the bedroom en-suite as not to wake up Matthew and called labour and delivery again and they seemed not fussed then Matthew came out to the lounge and his face was just shocked he couldn’t believe I hadn’t told him I just wanted him to not worry.

I drove myself to the hospital alone as Matthew was still displaying symptoms of being sick and as this was the thick of covid 19 stages 4 there was no way he’d be anywhere near the hospital though we both had negative results the previous weeks so we could see Matthews son as we didn’t want to expose anyone.

I was called into my appointment very quickly and the OB rushed me to ultrasound. The ultrasound was a bit strange even I could tell there was something wrong as the amount of 20-week ultrasounds I had seen on Facebook did not look like this. The OB said everything should be okay it did look like there was not much fluid but in her words at the time ‘I’m not great with ultrasounds I’ll send you up to the assessment unit they are much better’ but Chester still had a heartbeat so again I didn’t get too worried and I hadn’t had any pain so I made my way up to the assessment centre. Again I was called in fairly quickly even though I counted about 15 heavily pregnant women sitting waiting.

The midwife sat me down and checked on Chester with the Doppler he was rolling around running away from the pressure typical of my little nugget but she found his heartbeat no issues. She did some swabs and then called a doctor. The doctor performed a procedure to check my waters had truly broken. They couldn’t get an accurate answer as there was too much blood. But again they assured me that there was no ‘pooling’ of amniotic fluid so everything should be okay. I went to do the ‘pee cup’ the results showed high glucose which is typical of myself being hypoglycemic and a slight infection marker but nothing extraordinary. Then they transferred me to a single assessment unit to see the head OB and again I didn’t stress because no one seemed to be too worried. I was actually enjoying knitting the scarf I’d been working hard at the whole pregnancy.

The head OB again did a fluid swab which was a nasty painful 60 seconds of my life. Oh and the fact he made the comment that my vagina was at an odd angle and it was impossible to see my cervix. I won’t go into too much detail but it was rough and if I ever see another speculum I’ll most likely cry.

Called Matthew at that point can’t really remember what we spoke about but I was just updating him so he wasn’t out of the loop. I then headed to the toilet and on my way back to my room I saw my OB say to another midwife do you think this test is positive? She replied yes definitely a poor girl. I stopped myself went back to the room in a hurry and just kept repeating no it wasn’t my test why would they just talk openly where everyone could hear. I slowed my breathing something I had been very accurate to my entire life due to anxiety issues so I held it together.

The head OB came in and non-chalnonty told me yes the test is positive my waters had indeed broken. I immediately speed-dialled my love. At that point I could not talk I stopped paying attention to anything around me and I could barely hear any voices. The OB explained the situation to Matthew and left swiftly. Matthew and I just cried not saying a word but uncertain of what the future held. I had a few midwives come to comfort me and told me not to stress babies are born all the time at early gestations. I asked her for some food as I wasn’t prepared for a lengthy hospital experience all I had eaten was a bowl of rice bubbles at 9am it was now 2pm. All she could find was 3 custard puddings as I was feeling faint and quite hungry I downed all 3 without hesitation. I was admitted and given my own room hey it kind of looked like a fancy hotel room. Tad odd there was no TV.

Again I asked for food and asked to make sure my dinner had been organized they assured me it had been.

Then my mate Didrie* the first midwife I met on the ward. I will not forget her she was kind, she was gentle.

I asked her for answers there was none at that point.

I called Matthew so he could hear the plan she explained so he could have his questions answered.

Now at this point, I need you to brace yourself as I can hardly handle my anger for this moment.

My honest and compassionate self told Dierdre about Matthew and I’s covid tests and they were negative but Matthew had developed a dry cough that morning. He was instantly refused entry to the hospital and was made to take a covid test.

Bare with me this bits a little complicated. I had driven the car in and as we only have one car Matthew needed to come to pick it up so he asked Dedrie if he could bring my bedding and bags for the admission to the front door and give me a hug......... the answer of course ... no

I called my mother and asked her to drive Matthew to pick up the car and so I could at least see one familiar face..... breathe..... the covid rules for antenates was one visitor for the entire stay and only 2 hours of visiting per person.

At this point I had Deidre explain this to Matthew as I was exhausted beyond comprehension. Matthew begged and begged and the head midwife said absolutely not until his covid test was negative. He basically ran to get the test and was told it was going to take 3-5 days. He told this story to the nurse who completed his test she cried. That angel of a woman put his test under immediate healthcare exemption so it was fast-tracked for 24-hour turn around.

At this point, I was given the impossible choice of having my mum give me a hug and a conversation so I could cope or wait for Matthew when his test came back. At this point I almost shut down I had no answers for my unborn and my stupid empathetic brain pulled Dedrie aside and apologized for how Matthew and my mother sounded I had chosen to wait for the father of my child. I apologized to her and said they were quite angry as only a year and a half ago I had almost succeeded in ending my life. Deidre hugged me and said just wait.

She returned not more than 5 minutes later and said call your mother right now and get her up here. You have exceptional circumstances.

At this point, I was still waiting for food I believe it was around 8pm. The food service lady knocked opened the door and stated have you got your tray? I looked at her utterly confused and said what do you mean? I haven’t received my dinner yet. She just said okay well dinner service was over.

I begged mum to go get me food I was weak tired emotional and confused. My mother’s anxiety got the best of her and said she had no idea how to navigate sunshine. I dialled Matthew crying and said can you buy me some tea, my darling partner said what do you want anything for you.

Deidre Returned and said she had gotten approval for external food to be brought in. My mother went to the front door to collect the food from Matthew. She was hassled by security on the way back to my room.

It was KFC just chips and potato and gravy and as it was quite late at this stage I took in as much as I could but I could hardly eat it was the Coca Cola that saved my energy levels. I had to just force the food in.

Mum left after her 2-hour visit with a letter from the hospital stating she had permission to be out after curfew.

I just sat on my hard horrible uncomfortable hospital bed and just cried not sure how long but it was endless tears.

I finally passed out from exhaustion.

The night head midwife came in and woke me up around 1am for an obs check. I knew something was wrong as I could barely make out a human she had so much PPE. She said you are now in isolation and you will be given your covid test in the morning. I said can I get a can of Pepsi out of the vending machine just quickly as I hadn’t had any soft drink in soooo long. It was hard no. She did my obs and checked Chester with the Doppler she kept complaining how hard it was to find him as it was such an early gestation but for a fleeting 3 seconds, I heard the gallop of his fluttering heart. And everything was okay.

I was woken up abruptly the next morning at who knows what time. At this point, I lost track of days time and distance. The doctors said your ultrasound to check on my little nugget won’t be today as it was a too high risk of infecting people with my nonexistent covid. They left just as quickly as they had presented.

I just broke I have no idea how long I was crying for it was grief it was something between a scream and a moan it was so loud I had to drown out my own thoughts I had to drown out everything. I pressed the call buttons who knows how many times no one ever came.

I passed out. I was then woken again by a stranger covered head to toe in white there were no eyes no smile no humanity. She did my obs and said are you ready for your covid swab? I begged I had had no symptoms a negative test. She said it doesn’t matter you need to test clear for our safety. I said what happens if I refuse, she said your situation won’t change it will just prolong your stay. I opened my mouth with tears streaming down my face I have a pretty strong gag reflex but there were a few dry heaves. Then the nose she said I’ll be gentle I was just hanging to my thoughts of Matthew and Chester. She did one nostril and the pain was unbearable every nerve ending in my body was burning from emotion the psychical pain was just something I couldn’t cope with. The masked woman said you need to calm down it’s not good for you and baby. She asked are you ready for the other nostril, breathing through snot tears and pain I said if I refuse will I be made to take it again if there is a negative result. She said no, I said, in that case, you're not touching me. I’m not entirely sure what happened next I think at that point I stopped calling family as I couldn’t bear to see the pain in their faces or in their voice. I just kept saying be strong, bubs needs you to be strong right now. I don’t remember much from the interactions from those midwives that day. I do know that I started to develop a migraine as I had not had proper caffeine in close to 24 hours. There was another angel that day who said if you need anything to buzz me as you cannot leave this room. I said all I want is a can of coke and I’ll be able to survive the day. The midwives I could hear were run off there feet so many met calls for other mums every time I pressed the buzzer it was a good half hour to an hour to get service. Then came changeover I had a new midwife, my angel didn’t come through and the migraine started to become unbearable. Then she opened the door she said I didn’t forget about you. Look after yourself she took off her mask and smiled, it was an act of pure empathy and humanity.

I had been referred to my next angel the social work rainbow that came from pain and clouds. Rainbow* you saved my mind that day. You sat with me for over 2 hours listening. We swapped stories of our social work careers which were eerily similar. We talked about maternity social work and how horrible it can be and how unfair the world is. She then said she was off to do the paperwork for Matthew to stay the night when he tests negative the first exemption The hospital had to learn to deal with.

Then one of the best phone calls of my life came through it was Matt I could hear his smile from a mile away he had tested negative. I cried with joy a deep love.

Later that night my blood pressure plummeted I was faint tired and had barely eaten or drank any fluid.

The doctor said we need to hydrate you right now and ordered IV fluids

I demanded they did not the vein in my elbow as it was always the most painful IV vein he tried twice. I came very very close to passing out and giving up but I stayed awake and strong I downed some orange juice. He said the vein he found had collapsed and he would try the other arm I again said do not touch my elbow. Again he stuck in the canular needle and once again the vein collapsed. I went numb, I have an intense fear of needles but my blood pressure continued to plummet from the stress and pain. A second midwife gave it a try yet again they found a vein it didn’t produce enough blood. I remained steadfast you are not to touch the painful vein every doctor and midwife saying how much easier it would be. Now at this point, they brought in someone who never fails..... she spent a good ten minutes analyzing my arms finally stuck me number 4 she was in and then the vein once again collapsed.

I was so tired and delirious she talked me into the painful vein. Such regret for that moment.

She was gentle it was by a bit tender but not painful.

My iv fluids went in and I quickly started feeling better my bp came back up. They wrapped my arm and left me to rest. I don’t recall much else not sure if I slept. I believe it was a video call with my angels of a blended family my Matthew, my sons mum and Chesters brother and nanny. I was so happy just to hear My bonus son giggle and say he’s silly quirks I was floored how much he had grown in just over a week.

Sleep was not my friend that night the canula started to burn it started to ache and I started to just give in to the pain and let the panic take hold I just lay there hyperventilating and just giving in to the pain. Again the head midwife entered who knows what she looked like I knew she was older, I was so so weak and I begged and begged for her to take out the IV I started to lose it. She said to stop being silly it doesn’t hurt that bad I’ll flush it and you’ll be okay. You need to get it together. She broke a boundary she rubbed my belly and said you need to stay calm for the baby.

She bandaged me up and said okay shall we listen to the baby? I was so happy to hear those words just connecting to the little miracle in my uterus. He played up a treat she said sounds like there’s fluid in there and you hear the gushing? Hope-filled my heart and then I heard him hiccup I slept well that night even though I was writhing in pain from the IV

I sat there rolled up in my maternity pillow and therapy blanket and I’m not a religious person but I sat there cried and prayed I said Hail Marys our fathers I begged and pleaded with the universe, I promised I would do anything to keep my child. I was a good person I helped people, I am kind I am generous. How could God take my baby from me when my abusive ex who had threatened to kill me and any new partner I fell in love with, strangled me several times held a knife to my throat had a perfectly healthy child. I begged I pleaded I prayed. At the end of this stay, god religion whatever you believe does not exist there is no fairness. I just cling to love and joy family good friends and life.

Again like doctors do they banged on my room for rounds stated you will be going for your ultrasound in an hour. I didn’t comprehend anything they said to me the midwife entered the room just a mask and kind eyes and I said what is going on? She said did the doctors not tell you? Your covid test is negative and there ready for you to come down to ultrasound to see nugget boy. I called Matthew tears of pure joy running down my face.

The PCA collected me in a wheelchair I just couldn't find the energy to walk. It was the young woman’s first day and she had no idea where ultrasound was, I said don’t worry I got you to let’s go.

I arrived and waiting an hour for the ultrasound that was ready for me know. I asked reception for a mask from politeness to others couldn't give two shits about anything as I was negative for the dumb virus anyway.

Finally called into ultrasound. I stated to the tech can I call my partner, she said I’ll talk to my supervisor, came back 5 minutes later and said only for the first 2 minutes, I just politely said Thankyou and dialled. The second the machine hit my stomach I saw him I had no idea what I was looking at it was just like a car that had been crushed into a cube I knew it was bad when the tech went quiet and left the room. Matt and I sat there in silence quiet tears running down my face we knew it was bad. The tech returned with the more senior tech, at that moment I was a thing an object they talked amongst themselves about how there was no fluid there was no clear vision of anything. But yet there was his little fluttering heart. He was still going strong.

It was long painful ultrasound bursitis and arthritis in my hips was near unbearable I was just so sensitive to pain which is not something I’m used too I normally can barely feel a thing until I’m at level 8 or 9 levels of pain and even then it’s hard to get me to take pain killers. Matthew and I stayed silent he said I will shower waiting for the doctor.

I went to the toilet and in seconds I could hear my name being called I ran out and went with my next angel The high-risk OB (HROB*)She sat me down and even with all her PPE I knew that look it’s as obvious as a deer in headlights. I paused and said before we start I need to call Matthew. He had jumped in the shower so it took him some time to respond. HROB started I’m so sorry.... that was all I needed to hear I don’t remember the words said next but Matthew has called back. HROB said I won’t say much more until Matthew was there as decisions needed to be made for our child. I had tears again I was out of breath I couldn't catch my breath with the goddamn mask on HROB gave me a minute as I had snot flying everywhere. I said can Matthew please please stay more than 2 hours she said no the government and police make those rules. I could barely stand

HROB asked someone I have no idea who but they basically held me up while walking back to the ward. Just waiting for the elevator I fell to the ground trying to get my breath.

I have no idea how but I made it to level 7 I said to the midwife wait for me I’m going to the fucking vending machine

I was taken back to my room which now I could move freely in and out of. Matthew knocked and the sense of love and relief I had at the moment was indescribable. We just sat down and held each other for hours no words needed to be said. At that point, there were no words.

Rainbow knocked she was so much more beautiful without the lab suit on.

She said I’ve got 10 minutes as I am now running up to my office Matthew you will stay the night I promise you.

Hours went by and then 3.30 came

HROB walked in we arranged the room.

The news was something no parent no human wants to hear.

Bubs our little peanut, nugget bean had a 1-5% chance of having completely normal anatomy and a normal or healthy quality of life.

The next sentence I’m sure nearly killed Matthew right then and there. HROB said bubs had 4 more days to go till viability. But with every second he was safe in my tummy it became more and more dangerous for me. The next words I don’t remember and I still can’t imagine the power. She said if you go into labour bubs would not live. And then if I got an infection I would only have a very small chance of survival many women quickly end up in ICU with sepsis and can die within minutes. She said if any tiny hint of infection set in we would not be given a choice. She made me promise if infection set in I would not refuse treatment and induction as bubs would 100% not survive and if I refused neither would I. It’s was Wednesday I think at that point. HROB left us to hopefully make the decision between a mother’s health and babies life. Of course, my instinct was baby. I asked Matthew he couldn't answer but I knew the look in his eyes and what it meant.

Matthew and I needed the connection we needed family we needed his son my beautiful bonus son. And they all answered it was the silver lining in a fucked up time bonus sons’ hiccups had my near in tears he sounded just like his brother's little hiccups. He was so happy to see daddy and cag cag ( his name for me) his smile lit up my heart and I just felt love just for a little while everything was okay. But then I saw my face in the camera view I started to get pale, I got pale, I pushed to stay on the phone as I just wanted to hold onto hope and joy. But then I fell behind Matthew and passed out in pain.

Not 2 hours later the choice was taken away I started to cramp, it came on thick and fast. The most intense pain I’ve ever felt. Whole-body convulsions I was rolling over and over again punching things screaming a primal scream that I didn’t recognize.

It was a blur from there for me the one memory I do have was Matthew pressing the buzzer furiously running up and down the halls trying to find someone to help finally they took a preemptive blood test ordered by a midwife. And then the morphine injection.

I had never seen my partner so angry so bossy, so in control. The young midwife just kept asking if I was ready.

Matthew lost it and said just do it she can’t talk she’s in pain just do it!

That injection felt like it went through my entire thigh through the other side. Matthew stated that the way I pulled away I nearly snapped the needle off into my thigh.

But then it’s was a blur I do recall the midwife coming in and stating there was an infection that had set in but it was mild and there was still hope.

We were moved to the assessment centre not long later.

Matthew passed out on the couch I was high as a kite on morphine and I just wanted cuddles and he said cass I need rest.

I spent much of my time with the international midwives guessing their accents apparently I did well. Then in passed out from being so tired.

Sleep evaded me as I discovered that morphine started to make me hallucinate. I was having night terrors quite frequently.

Finally, the morphine wore off and then the hunger kicked in

The midwife offered me the Doppler I said there’s no point it’s too painful.

Upon reflection he must have passed at this point as the vegemite craving kicked in all I wanted was a strong desire for vegemite sandwiches.

Then the moment came, the pain was starting to settle in but I was denied pain killers as I had to be clear-headed to sign my consent to induction.

One of the most delirious moments of my life one of trauma and sadness and even though this is just so new I still feel like I sentenced my darling Boy to death. I screamed I yelled I cried, I punched the bed. The pain started to set in again

Matthew said please let me sign it but as it was my body I had to.

I just couldn't do it I couldn't terminate my miracle child the child I was told I could never have conceived naturally.

Then Matt held me tight he begged and begged and cried he said you promised. bubs is gone I can’t lose both of you.

HROB just got frank she said I need to go but your choice is you sign this piece of paper or instead of losing one life we are losing two.

It took everything in me to go against every human value I hold dear but I signed.

I was then given more endone so I could relax.

I was rushed to the birthing suite by wheelchair, I couldn't stand on my own two feet let alone walk.

It was a fast process they said you have time for lunch so ordered as many dumplings as I desired. They came at me with that fucking canula again 3 pokes later I said go away I do not give you consent to touch me if I have to have IV antibiotics for 48 hours I will not spend it crying from a nasty painful IV

the dumplings arrived and they said it’s time hop on the bed we are inducing you. They said you will have plenty of time to eat. 3 times the usual dose they said we will increase the dose again in 3 hours.

I started on the dumplings I had been craving all day. I had 3

The pain came on thick, fast and nasty.

First was an endone tablet it worked as well as panadol. Then I was given the gas it worked for about the first 3 contractions they were not very far apart. I was right side up to upside down there was no comfortable position. The gas was just making me giddy and slowed my breathing I started getting angry all I wanted was time to eat I was starving. I pulled my shoulder trying to rip the bed rail off the bed. And then after a little, while I was ready I have no idea if I was dilated to the full but the midwife set the toilet up so I could sit and relax and push and there were towels to catch baby I had the gas and I had to be forced to take breathes as I just wanted to be high. I looked at myself in the mirror I looked tired but I could still see the strength in myself. Then the last few contractions hit and he didn't take long.

Bubs was breech and I cannot describe the feeling of giving birth there are no words.

I was moved to the bed to relax and give the final push it took mere seconds and he was out

The most heartwarming words came out of Matthews's mouth. Cassie, it’s a boy

High from the gas, I had a short break and then got to hold my darling boy in my arms

There are no words for the love I felt

Matthew and I looked at each other and said it’s our little Chester.