chrysen-16

[chrysen-16]

the two keys to the 12th house potential

someone asked me about 12th house placements recently and it stuck around...'will it always feel like this? like you're walking in space without a spacesuit?'

I've let this question stay in my mind for some time and I feel like an answer is being shaped in my mind.

12th housers' main issue is knowing on some level what is going on. but when i say on some level, i mean on a very deep and hidden level. the neptunian connection to the human subconscious that we all talk about is real.

so people with 12th house placements often feel naked in front of these currents. like, there is an amount of healthy delusion people have to sustain in order to not feel constantly threatened by reality. you just need to remain centered in your own self and body, in your own abilities, because this is what protects you from disintegration. and when you're so sensitive towards other people's thoughts and motivation and intentions, to the dynamics in the world, you are forced to be the witness to a lot of cruelty. it takes you out of your own skin and you may find yourself drifting, feeling lost in life.

I've actually noticed feelings of paranoia are quite a common occurrence with 12th house people. you have to deal with this sensitivity in some way. when you listen to it too much, you get paranoid because you feel like you have no agency, nothing firm to protect you. you're out there for everyone. might sound a bit too dramatic to someone but 12th housers frequently feel like they can't shut themselves off from people's "hidden" side. and that feeling of dread somehow mixes with your intuition and makes you create haunting dark scenarios in your head. this brings you to the common dilemma: is it paranoia or intuition??

another way for 12th house people to deal with their intuition is by denying it. this is even worse because you become shut out from your most valuable source of insight and you can't make choices that are fully aligned with you. this often happens to me - i shrug off a feeling i get about something and try to use my mind instead cuz I'm like "screw this mumbo jumbo, I'm simply delusional". and then it turns out trusting this feeling would've saved me a lot of trouble.

I'm not saying you shouldn't think things through as well. it's just that suppressing your intuition cuz you're afraid of this insight has never led anywhere good and you're signing up for a half life like this.

the keys to using the potential of 12th house placements instead of denying it or being consumed by it are two:

• faith.

• embodiment.

first, you need to stop shrugging off your insights. more often than not, you're going to be in situations where you sense that people say things they don't mean or that they feel something they won't admit or sometimes aren't even aware of. and you're going to question yourself:

how can i possibly know what this person feels better than they do? how is my authority on them bigger than their own?

i think these are proper concerns and it's good to not jump to conclusions or force others into conversations they're not ready to be a part of.

but trusting your senses over what others want you to believe is the right course of action. i feel somehow audacious even writing this down. because this approach takes a lot of adjusting in order to not turn into a self serving monster or into someone who just can't listen to anyone else's point of view.

but still, faith in yourself is the way to go. it's the ultimate piscean gift. when you're armed with patience and trust in the process and your place in it, it gets easier to trust your intuition. you stop being triggered by it. you stop trying to draw a "confession" out of people. you stop feeling sad and rejected without being able to explain why. you stop trying to convince yourself in things that seem reasonable but don't quite make sense to you. you stop living by the rules people expect you to follow but never made you feel whole.

second, embodiment is the next step. your body is what stands between you and getting lost in the collective, in everyone else. you need to be able to withdraw back into your own autonomy.

work out. try to sharpen your senses and to stay in touch with them. make a ritual out of listening to the needs of your body just like you listen to everyone else.

don't stay working just a tad bit more or listening to a friend's problems when your body wants food or to pee rn. don't put your body second. make it a priority. by showing it you hear it and value it you're going to be more aware of it and it's going to serve you better as a protection between you and the world. you need to be able to trust your feet and feel grounded to cross the waters of the collection subconscious. the 12th house rules feet for a reason.

[chrysen-16]

10.33 am 4 Sept 2023

when do you feel most connected to yourself? when I am immersed in doing something like reading about spirituality or anything where my attention is completely focused on myself.

what does that feel like? It feels calming and nice it doesnt keep bugging me you see The anxiety level falls you know, I feel at peace with myself

Anyway so these people made a biodata of mine to send to the prospects, they sent to geeta Akka

Anyway there isnt anyone No fucking one phew not sour not artist not chubs not vets no one nor anyone At the end of the it s just me

[chrysen-16]

27 Aug 2023 8.32am

I need to stop looking at everything at as if it is something to do live you know as if it is a chore. yesterday Geeta akka Vidya akka and my parents were trying to convince me to start accepting prospects for marriages and it out looking for them But as I had said I need to prepare myself first regarding this whole idea of getting married Every women easily gives up so much S sometimes due to the pressure of the family and sometimes on her own regardless of the situation at home or the changed circumstances at her inlaws. But I personally never imagined myself getting married like ever. I never gave any thought over it. I lately have undermined my own abilities and so have my parents but I just have outgrown that esa of mine where I used to constantly seek approval of Others. I have been living under the reign of my Dad and mom all this while since my childhood I did everything that I anticipated what they wanted meto do and now for the first time I am standing atthe threshold where I would be able do as I wish for and these people are trying to put me in another place where I would have to again live on the wes of other people I am honestly so done I am not willing to give up my freedom under any cost. And the please my aunt used that in next two years time I'd look old, now anyway So I do not think in any way that I would be marrying now and marrying without earning is a fucking no for me whatever. I should be prepared to get alot of slack ahead I dont know how I would be handling all of it. I want to enjoy life without the feen and that someone is always looking at me I want to feel what it is like to live without anxiety.

I want to take a breather I am just so disappointed with my parents attitude towards all of this Just now mom had come to my room and said that Geeta akka called them to tell that they are going to rao's farmhouse I said I wont go It would be the same thing all over again I would have considered looking at it inf you see I had the financial backing from Dad and some amount of property in my name I would have felt secure but there is nothing that would make me feel secure in myself. Anyway I need to there for myself regardless of anything I an fine and should focus on my studies now. Lord bless me I need to be true to myself and there for myself.

[chrysen-16]

23.6.23 1.28am

So alone and yet there is peace

The coming days are going to be a little difficult, I don't know why but I am not thinking about how to navigate through it..may be I am too scared that I might not be able to face it, I don't know what the outcome of it will be

It's scary how i thought of different ways to die

It is very difficult to navigate and take actions for me particularly in this phase of my life, never have I ever felt this out of control and hopeless

But I hope things will turn out fine in the end like they do, always

[chrysen-16]

2/7/22

Head is fucked up, still trying to unfuck it..

[chrysen-16]

1.11.21

[chrysen-16]

7.9.21

Ohhh, how i wish if things could have been different between us.. with me.. phew.. what is this strange pull that we feel between us.. its uncanny that we both fee it.. dont know to what extent it feels the same, but definitely strange.. i mean there is no apparent reason you see but it is so strong that one simply cant ignore..

The earliest memory of you that i have is feeling jealous of you for having received the praise of sister on your writing skills.. always had your way with words, that has me in awe till today.. wishing i had the same ability.. honestly i dont remember much of the grade 6th.. I didn't even know who you were back then..who would imagine what part you'd play later on.. short lived but dragged by me in my head for too long, at least that is what i think.. actually i had my eyes fixated on someone else, no no not that weird guy but his friend.. but talked with him as a stepping stone of sorts because he seemed more approachable. Look how things unfold, i ended up liking both.. but you know how i was, couldn't speak it out, rather never had the intention too..

Ohh wait, look how i drift apart, i was writing about us, i want to write about us, it is high time i acknowledge it, or else i will keep on spinning in this perpetual whirlpool.. anyway so back to us.. have these memories, which I suppose are distorted obviously, from the next couple of years but nothing of substance.. to be honest i think i never bothered to ponder over you because you were just one among the others..ohh wait in eighth when i was passing books over i happened to open yours and i was so surprised, your book was emaculate.. but i didnt think about it, i was nah nah nah.. this isnt real..good lord anyway.. and then ninth ughhhh the most shit year of all, i had a hard time, when i look back now, i dont remember exactly why i was acting out.. wtf was i thinking? I should have ignored them all together, but i used to feel humiliated in a way, and maybe to counter it i used to have those exaggerated reactions to your and your friend's stupid antics.. which might not have been a big deal to you,obviously, but i used to have anxiety anticipating your next freakish antic to idk what your intention was.. idek now.. you seemed to have lot of fun.. but i fucking used to have anxiety..and because of the volatile environments in childhood of us both, we related and still relate the anxiety that brim when we are near each other to attraction..the so called tension ..then 10th i had sigh of relief that you weren't near but also the yearning to come to your notice..we just instinctively used to look at each other when we used to laugh at something together.. i loved it, i miss it, i miss your face, i dont even remember how you look..just a hazy image in my head..then that short burst of us talking and everything went downhill.. i dont remember exactly how we started talking, it wasnt long though i think, hardly few days i guess. But what major impact i let it have over me! Fuck. Anyway idk what made you say all that you said.. but i was completely taken aback man i trusted you.. it might have been frivolous to you, but i was very naive .. and very very hurt.. anyway then definitely had a hard time.. i was thinking how stupid i was and had completely made a fool out of myself..i couldn't accept that this shit is something that i allowed to happen.. how how how.. anyway this is something that i was going through at that point of time.. eventually in some days time was fine.. many things happened in between but i want this time to be used in reflecting about my internal process pertaining to you and me..so you were not in this town.. i was fine regarding this..then one fine day after my maths tuition we were talking outside the building and i saw two of your friends and then you followed them.. and i was like holy shit..fuck?! You were there to meet your friend or something but i had no idea you were in town.. but then again i was fine..then again one fine day 😂..i felt like i saw someone familiar in the parking but didn't pay any heed.. had to reach the class in time.. and then while sitting there talking with my friend, you entered the class.. and i was nooo..i couldn't help but think of that shit again.. i have very unhealthy coping mechanisms.. and i could never figure out wtf was it between us.. but i certainly thought you fucking have something against me..well you acted that way..i had a hard time seeing you every day while yearning to see you at the same time.. this shit.. this fucking tension of opposites drained the shit out of me.. it used to leave me exhausted and it even does now.. we never talked so it was fine to a certain extent.. even though i used to have anxiety when i used to see you.. but i had a lot going already and this was definitely not helping..

I always bitch about it but never acknowledged how much i wanted you somewhere.. i liked you.. i used to find you very intriguing.. i still do.. but i dont wanna get hurt again.. i say this all time 'i dont wanna get hurt again' but I'll say this today i wish to be in touch with you..if i had the guts or the sense of self..

I dont want to continue to narrate the story or maybe later.. i just want to process what i feel now.. look the thing is i still like you.. i might as well just accept this..you are a lovely person.. we both were nasty to one another at different points.. but there is no denial of this pull that we feel.. i have issues to deal with.. i want to gain my sense of self back..i want to grow from where i am..this is the time that i want to give for myself and you dont even have the slightest idea how hard of a decision this is where every moment i try to contemplate on it again.. but no.. it wont help.. i know for a matter of fact that if i engage in any sort of contact with you there is a high chance of me losing the momentum.. again.. and in the end i wont be able to have either.. nor you nor my sense of self.. right now i have to focus on growing.. and maybe in between if possible we have our roads crossed again.. i like you from the bottom of my heart and always want the best for you.. you unknowingly have helped me grow so much and become more self aware..i have become more aware of my cognitive distortions because of you..

But this shit that i do is pretty unhealthy though..why do i keep engaging in it..habits you see arent easy to break..the way i incessantly think about you is hampering other areas of my ife.. its like i dont have the energy and time to be on my own.. i carry you every where i go..searching for answers that I'd never find on my own..its tiring.. its drifting me away from the reality..its giving me hard time..i want it to stop now.. i do want answers, I'll come to it on my own.. I WAS DELUSIONAL.. nothing ever happened isnt it.. i was the one hallucinating.. but dont worry i wont be hallucinating anymore.. what am i hallucinating for..? You are seeing other people..even yourself called me out for being delusional.. what is left then..?huh?

This hope is setting me mad..i can't do it anymore..i have no more hope left in me now.. idk what is in store for in the future, so i'd prefer to not anticipate anything..and live in the present where its just me..its just me and my life..it feels light in a way when you let go..there is so much room for every thing else..this is the only way forward..i guess i let it affect me more than someone would imagine and it was blatantly foolish for having wasted so much of my energy..one should never do it you know..but you cant help yourself you fall in the abyss unconsciously..this wish that 'i wish things could have been different' this shit..its a wish for a reason..its not reality and you cant dwell on it forever.. run away from it..run towards reality..run towards reality..run towards reality..embrace reality..embrace reality..embrace reality..look straight at it..look straight at it..i grieve over lost opportunity..and embrace the reality..its like showing compassion to myself..i turn to myself..♥️

[chrysen-16]

26.5.21, DAY 2

THIS TEXT THING WASNT WORKING SO THE QUOTE SITUATION ANYWAY ,��

GOD GOD WHY WHY DO I KEEP CRIBBING BUT THEN DONT DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE THE EXISTING SITUATION SUCH A HYPOCRITE OF SORTS HONESTLY. I HAVE HONESTLY GIVEN UP SOMEWHERE DOWN. IT SEEMS TOO DEEP TO COME BACK UP. I MEAN IT IS A CLUELESS LAND WHERE YOU CAN COMPREHEND NOTHING AND THEN UGHHHHH FUCKKKK 

WHAT AM I TO DO NOW HUH?????? SO IT IS NEVER GONNA BE PERFECT ISNT IT? SUCH A BIG AND OBVIOUS REVEALATION YET VERY HARD TO SHOVE IT DOWN MY THROAT. ITS  ALL MESSED UP AND INSPITE OF WANTING TO FIX EVERYTHING AT ONCE IT SIMPLY STANDS ON A STANDSTILL AND I REMAIN THERE AS A MERE SPECTATOR FEELING HELPLESS AND OVRWHELMED BY THE SHEER AMOUNT OF WEIGHT OF THE THINGS THAT ARE MESSED UP AND THEN GO TO SLEEP OR BE ON MY PHONE SCROLLING MINDLESSLY TO JUST GET INTO AN ESCAPE MODE AWAY FROM EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN YOU GET BACK YOU ARE IN THE SAME SHIT SO BACK TO SQAURE ONE AGAIN 

WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW BUT ......????? OH GOD HOW AM I GOING TO HANDLE ALL OF THIS AND ANXIETY AND MY ISSUES AND ME AMIDST ALL OF THIS AND ITS CRAZY BUT I HAVE TO DO ALL OF THIS ON MY OWN I HAVE NO OTHER OPTION BECAUSE I HAVE NO ONE TO WHO CAN HELP ME BUT MYSELF. IT DOESNT MATTER . I KNOW IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE COME FAR NOW AND ITS NO TURNING BACK , BUT RN I AM JUST STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

KYA KARU KYA KARUUUU??????  I AM TIRED I AM SERIOUSLY TIRED OF THIS SHIT I AM TIREDDD. PERIODT

[chrysen-16]

25.5.21, DAY 1

IVALA NINCHI ROZU IDA RASTA... IT MAKES ME FEEL MORE CONNECTED ABOUT WHAT I ACTUALLY FEEL..

NENU YEDA UNDALI YEM YEM YECHAYAla I AM NOT THERE YET.. KANI CHESTA ,YEPADILAKA IVVALA ALA KANK EYA. NALO INKA AA SPARK UNDDI. I HAVE KEPT IT, AND IT SURELY KEEPS ME GOING NGL.

CHESTA, IPUDU NA JOURNAL LO RASTA YEM YEM CHESHADI UNDI ADI MAKE A SORT OF BLUEPRINT ..

ALRIGHT REPU KALLUDAM...

[chrysen-16]

15.5.21, DAY 26

I HAD FEW BOUTS OF ANXIETY TODAY. I HAD BEEN DOING WELL FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW. HAD EVEN FELT LIKE THIS IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN, ITS ALL OVER..

ANYWAY, THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS RUNNING IN MY MIND TODAY AND YESTERDAY, LIKE MY DENTAL TREATMENT, MY CAREER, ME BEING STUCK, ALL OF THAT SHIT, THAT MIGHT HAVE TRIGGERED IT. BESIDES I HAVEN'T EXERCISED FROM PAST TWO THREE DAYS, HAVEN'T DONE PRANAYAMA EITHER. ALL These MIGHT HAVE ADDED UP.

REGARDING THE DENTAL TREATMENT, STOP EXTENSIVELY GOOGLING STUFF AND PANICKING JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT. IT WOULD JUST MAKE YOU WORRY ABOUT MORE NEW THINGS. DECIDE WHOM YOU ARE GOING TO CONSULT AND GET THE RELEVANT ADVICE FROM THE EXPERT. STAY CALM AND THINGS WILL BE FINE. THEY EVENTUALLY ALWAYS GET BETTER, DON'T THEY? AND THE THING ABOUT CAREER, FOCUS IN THE THING IN FRONT OF YOU IF YOU AREN'T SURE OF WHAT CHOICE YOU WANT TO MAKE. MAKE THE BEST OF WHAT IS IN HAND, SO STUDY WELL FOR THE FINALS NOW. NAHI TOH YEH BHI NAHI WOH BHI NAHI AISE HOJAYEGA.. SO PEHELE APNA SYLLABUS KAISE PURA PADH KAR HO ISPE DHYAN DE. RAB KA SHUKR MANATI HU AJ MEIN, SHUKRIYA APNE MUJHE ITNA SAB KUCH DIYA, MEIN SACH MEIN KUCH BHI NAHI KARTI HUN PAR MUJHE APKE GRACE SE SAB MIL JATA HAI. I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU, TO AMMA AND AIYA FOR WHATEVER YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME. YOU MAY HAVE MADE MISTAKES BUT SO HAVE I, BUT I AM GRATEFUL TO YOU TO HAVE PROVIDED ME WITH THE NECESSARY THINGS WITHOUT WHICH LIFE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN EASY . I WILL DO EVERYTHING NECESSARY IN BEST WAY POSSIBLE..THANK YOU...🙏🏽🙏🏽

[chrysen-16]

8.5.21, DAY 23

I NEED TO DO THE THINGS NEEDED TO MEND WHAT HAS BEEN MESSED UP, AND I WILL DO IT. 

I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO ADD ON THIS RHU I LOVE YOU AND IT’LL BE FINE. I WILL BE DOING ALL THE THINGS AND KEEPING A RECORD OF EVERYTHING. 

ITS  2.10AM AND I WIDE AWAKE THOUGH I AM TIRED I AM UNABLE TO SLEEP.

I HAVE A LOT TO SAY BUT NOT ENOUGH STRENGTH TODAY

[chrysen-16]

6.5.21, DAY 21,

IDE UNNADE YEMI UNNADI ADI, KINDA DISAPPOINTING, I MEAN THE ENTIRE DRAMA THE WHOLE THING FOR NOTHING AND FUCKING SCARY I MEAN INTANENA, DINIKI INKA YEMI LEDA ANI IPPUDU MUNGATA ENTI????

YEMO TELIYADU PHEW ANTA DENIKO, YEDPU VASTUNDI FOR ALL THE TIME AND PEACE THAT IS LOST. WHEN THE GLASS IS SHATTERED IGNORANCE IS CERTAINLY ANYTHING BUT BLISS. SCARY SCARY AND SOMETHING THAT I AM NOT ABLE GULP DOWN. YEKADKI POVALA? YEVALTA POVALA? ANTARA OKKADANE UNNA. ANTA NENE BHARAM LEPEDDI. YAVALU LERU. HARD TO MAKE ANY DISTINCTION BETWEEN REALITY AND FICTION. IPPAD DEGARA FICTION KE NIJAM ANUKONI BHRATKINA. IPPUDU YEMO NA MUNDU ADI NIJAM LEDU ANI TELISTUNTE TATUKOLE POTUNA. YENDUKU NATONE ITLA KAVALI YENDUKU?????

ANDARU POINALU, VADU RADU, VADU KUDA RADU, ADI RADI ANI ADI KUDA RADI, YEVALLU RALU. VANTARGA MIGLI POYANU. MALA MATRAM TIME WASTE CHEYAKU PLEASE NI THALA LOPALA JEEVITAM ICCHE KATHALLO. NENU UNNA ANI NA PAKKALA ANTA EMI UNDI ANTA NE NIJAM ANI GATIGA PETUKO MANUSULO. ANDAR VALA LOKAM LO MUGANTAKI POTHUNARU ANI EMU ADNE STUCK AYPOINANU. ANDARDE BAGA JARGUTUNADI ANTA NENE CHALLA TAPUGA ARDHAM CHESA ANDARGI. KANI IPPUDU YEM CHEYANKU RADI... ACCEPT CHESESTENE BAGA KI IDE REALITY ANI, IDE REALITY BANGARAM IDE REALITY..

REPU PRECLINICAL DI PRACTICAL EXAM UNDI ANI TARVATA YEMI LE. EXAM RASHETAPUDU SHANT GA UNDALE. YENDUKU ANTA NE NUVU ANXIETY? IPPUDU POVACHU NUVVU. REALITY NI ACCEPT CHESI DAN TIRGA NE NADVALE. ACCEPT CHESI SANTOSHAM GA UNDALE.ANI YEVARU LERU NENU OKADANE ANTE NA MIDA YEVARU KANNU PETTI LERE ANDUKE SHANT UNDU ANI REPADI ADI RASHEDAM KUDA AIPOTADI BAGA NE. TELUSU KANI TARI GUDA UNDI MANSULO GACCHIGA. PODATI LE YEPUDANA YEM CHEYACCHU ANI?

[chrysen-16]

17/18.4.21. DAY 16/17

Nenu yepudguda matladtanu gada apudu inkonla mansu noppista, danikante matalu mannese ne manchiga..

[chrysen-16]

16.4.21, DAY 15,

Ivvala podduna mamma ani nenu madhusudan doc degera poi vacchinum. Diwas anta kolli lo ne vunnam.. tondarga manchiga kavale...

[chrysen-16]

13.4.21, DAY 12,

Ratri di 3 ayindi nako padukonke vastaledi, 1 ku lechinti, apad ninchi ippad degera try chestunanu kani naku nidra ne vastaledi...

Mukku jam ayindi, thala noppiga unndi chala,shoulder guda nostundi , i just dont feel good

Kani naku mandu matram veskuneddi ledu

Repu podgala pogul vaidya degera pota

Kani ippad di nidra di yemi cheyale??

[chrysen-16]

12.4.21, DAY 11

Repu ugadi panaga undi... chala manchi muhuratam..

Repadnichni okka kotta start chesta, filled with enthusiasm and freshness..

Nenu na jeevitam gurinchi manchiga alonchistanu ani danmida nirnayam tiskoni ala jergetattu chestanu...

Naa bhasha lo type cheyadam kashtame.. 😂

💜

[chrysen-16]

11.4.21, DAY 10,

Theory exams are over now, tomorrow on i have practicals..

Yeah that is all ,

Its just study, and then sleeping, and then again studying .. and course a taking a sneak peek of tumblr here n there...😉

Good night ... you have a long day tomorrow ..

💜