chthonic-cassandra - Tumblr blog

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With her blood I wrote a poem of love (Available as a print)

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Goth girls love trains

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Round slices of eggplant brined for many hours and then fried until they're russet-brown, impossibly buttery and soft, topped with garlic oil and green chile and scattered parsley.

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Had decided to reread Wolf Hall but somehow was not thinking about the quantity of torture and execution scenes, and it turns out that these are really not things I want to be reading about right now.

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more generally, though.

some hard things:

the state of the goddamned world and all the places I can't do anything of substance to make things better

this deep pit of my trauma, shivering as I look down into it, unable to see to the bottom

secrecy & aloneness & feeling different from other people & c

[x]

assorted work stuff

feeling that I will never stop being tired, that I will never find a way to get enough rest

missing making theater

missing academic library access, and doing academic writing

trauma & sex nonsense

some good things:

day off tomorrow, vacation in less than two months

assorted other work things

flowers flowers flowers

walking from the train to work today in my boots and my gray wool skirt with my coat open and the wind blowing at my scarf

not being pregnant! and knowing that if I was my right to make that stop is protected! (a thing to be celebrated and cherished when it is true)

wanting to bake so many things!

wanting to write so many things!

generally just having access to the experience of wanting

apartment is still the best apartment ever

chocolate

tea

the Criterion Channel

spiders

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I have been feeling acutely lately the ways I can and cannot talk about my work, not actually the confidentiality reasons so much but the identifiability concerns (here) and the ways I come up against other people's discomfort and inability to respond (offline). I have very very good support at work and I can talk about all of it with my partner, but still. So many other aspects of my life have to remain secret and unspeakable, and it's hard to have this most visible and mundane one feel that way too.

I think I can say this much: in this last week I came up against a new edge of the difficulties of working with perpetrators, one that I didn't expect, and that crossed a line for me into the intolerable. I would have just tried to tolerate it anyway, but my supervisor was more protective of me than I could have been of myself, and encouraged me to set a boundary I probably wouldn't otherwise have set. I am only just letting myself fully feel it all now. I'm reeling a little. It hurts in strange, sad places.

By now I've proved to myself, and to everyone else, that I can do this job and do it very well. I can teach other people how to do it, supervise them to do it sustainably and effectively. And in the past six months, in a few markedly different directions, I've come up against these questions of what edge is intolerable, where I have to draw a line. In one, highly confidential situation, I've said: yes, I can tolerate it, it's worth how hard it is for me, but I just need more support for myself. I think that was the right decision, even if I haven't yet fully answered the question of what support I need. In this situation, the benefits were too nebulous to be worth the harm to me, and the other person was too much at fault. It's hard. It's all hard.

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They're talking about horse riding

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𝗇𝗂𝗀𝖾𝗋𝗂𝖺𝗇 𝖽𝗐𝖺𝗋𝖿 𝗀𝗈𝖺𝗍 <3

~ 𝖳𝗁𝖾𝖡𝗂𝗀𝖶𝖱𝖺𝗇𝖼𝗁𝟣𝟤

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Just keep circling back around to overwhelm at the ways my life is at once so very good and so very hard.

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have you heard of abigail (2024)? would recommend going in blind aside from the trailer--but it does have vampires :)

I have heard of but not seen it, at least not yet. Does anyone else have opinions?

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By claudiadeyondesings

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Some googling identifies this dance company as Joan Gracie's Grecian Dancers, of New Zealand.

Len Casbolt - Invocation, 1947

+++

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DRUSILLA IN BECOMING PART II

look at me. be in me. see with your heart.

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Ninotchka (1939) dir. Ernst Lubitsch

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