cinniblog

[cinniblog]

My Mental Health

As of writing this I have suffered with mental health issues for 3-4 years, it's hard to narrow down because I didn't realize at the time what I was suffering with. It has been an incredibly hard journey and it feels like I'm not even half way to the end, for all I know it may never end.

I have depression and anxiety and have for about 3-4 years as I said above.

I self harm on a regular basis by cutting, usually my arms but I have tried it on my legs before. The longest time I've gone without doing it is two months, which was/is a massive achievment for me as at one point I was doing it 3-5 times a week. I have been doing this for 3 1/2 years. Currently, my councilor considers me addicted to it as I do it without being upset and just get sudden urges to do it and while I wasn't doing it for those two months I got withdrawal symptoms.

I have suicidal thoughts on a constant basis, though I've only attempted once, I've contemplated it a lot and the thought is always there.

As well as that I struggle to eat on a regular basis and have come close to being sick after eating, especially if I eat breakfast, but have never actually thrown up, this started 5-6 years ago as I just suddenly stopped having the appetite for food, I never stopped eating to become thinner or anything like that, I just didn't have the appetite and didn't think much of it.

I also have incredibly disturbing dreams of people I love/care about dying, killing themselves (sometimes blaming me for it) and of me being dead (mainly by hanging) or having something awful happen to me like rape. These dreams, I think, are also linked to visions/hallucinations/whatever you want to call them that happen in the day at random times where I'll see blood on my hands, people I love/care about dead and organs coming out of this one particular person's chest (I won't say his name he's just incredibly important to me), despite knowing that what I'm seeing isn't real it's still incredibly disturbing and scary and upsetting for me and affects my life. This has been going on for about 4-5 months and last week they were the worst they've ever been.

I don't sleep well at all, for numerous reasons but I thought I'd add it here because one reason is because of the dreams.

I have massive self-esteem issues, I don't feel like I can get anything right and I'm just not good enough for anything/anyone.

I have social anxiety (you could just count this with the anxiety but it's so prominent I tend not to) I will feel incredibly uncomfortable in big crowds and even in small groups with my friends so I tend to stay inside a lot.

I think I have mild body dysmorphic disorder as I hate how I look and find myself looking at my self in the mirror and picking at small details of my appearance.

What I'm doing to help myself.

Currently I am taking 75mg of sertraline a day.

I am seeing a councilor once a week.

I am under camhs and they have offered me family therapy (quite frankly I find camhs useless and though I tried the family therapy for a while, it did not work the way I wanted it to).

I see psychiatrist every couple of months to check on things (mainly the dosage of sertraline) but I've only seen him twice so far.

I use SHOUT, a text line, which I use when I feel like talking but no one is around to talk.

I also talk to one of my teacher's quite a bit and honestly I don't think I'd of been able to do the 2 months of no self harm if it wasn't for him. Despite not being trained at all in the mental health department, he's incredibly helpful and seems to help more than the 'professionals' have. He's like a big brother figure to me now.

I have a positive book (suggested by my teacher) where I try and write at least 3 positive things that happened in the day. I have not done this for almost 3 months, not because it wasn't useful, it was and I highly recommend it, but because I didn't feel the need to use it (which is a good thing).

I have a box, which I have labelled my mental box, full of things that can help me in a moment of panic, like stress toys and soothing things and items that make me happy.

I write letters to myself occasionally, like how Evan does in Dear Evan Hansen, I write these when I feel anxious or sad.

I talk to my friends sometimes too, at the moment I'm doing that much as they all seem preoccupied with other things, which is totally fine.

I think that's it for now, feel free to ask things if you have any questions. I don't know how much I'll update this blog but have this.

[cinniblog]

Warning

Just want to start off with I will not be giving my name, age or location to anyone and if you nag me for it then I will just block you.

Just because I am making this blog, which I guess is quite personal, does not mean I must answer any questions, feel free to ask them but I may feel uncomfortable and decide not to answer, don't be offended it's nothing personal.

If you don't like to talk about mental health, suicide, self harm etc then don't be on this as this will literally just be a bunch of mental health stuff going on here, my experiences and ways to help.