claudepie - Tumblr blog

[claudepie]

At least someone is happy to see him.

[claudepie]

whenever i am given a choice between tumblr “blaze” and “like” i always want blaze because it is like “fire! ahh your post is fire!” but no that is not what a blaze is, and that is so fucking stupid why would they make it that?? no, i don’t want to give your post a ton of views. i want to GATE KEEP you. like that one coaster at cedar point and yea i’m going to gate keep the name of it(it is callled the gate keeper and it looks pretty fucking cool if you ask me).

my idea is replace “like” with “blaze” and call it “fire” instead, actually. your post is fire, man. i don’t like it. i think it is fire, which is better. basically what i am saying is that they should have an evolved version of the “like”.

whenever i like a post i feel like i am twink style bending down and licking your boots like a mother fucking peasant from the olden times. or like one of those jesters, but like how they are displayed in media, so poor foolish men that are forced to humiliate them selves. however. if there was a fire option i would be like a cool kid saying “ahhh your post is pretty damn fire, dude. it is like, fucking rad.”

and everyone would be like “god damn that dude is so hot(because fire is hot) despite being named claude.” and “whom doest this flame belong to? that gent might not but beest a v'ry fine and nobel sir, wow, i wanteth to marryeth that gent and has't much offspring!”

[claudepie]

look you should read homestuck for many reasons but the protagonist makes a giant hammer that's fused with a pogo game that boings around everywhere and it's cool as hell

[claudepie]

one two buckle my shoe when i open that noor to find corn and wednesday on the other side!

me: shocked pikachu face

wednesday: meme…approved!

my phone: in half a mile: turn right

guy in the next stall: wow it’s cold i should get my DIOR DIOR jacket

me: nah bro! all girls are the same!

nobody: only in ohio

[claudepie]

so i approached the buff freshman today and asked for my weed back. i approached him confidently and walked with a purpose. yiu must be thinking um well he’s a fresh man why are you scared of him but oh no you’ve got it all wrong if you were a real fan and checked the last post then you would know that this twunk stole my weed and beat me up. well he turned to me and told ne to come with him and so we did and then we got outside (i go to an outside school.). so he brought me to his locker and i was expecting him to open it and bring out the weed, but oh no. he did not he s started beating me up again and he also called me a pleb.

[claudepie]

i’m going to approach the fresh man who stole my weed today! wish me luck. im going to approach him at lunch in hopes i get my weed back.

my weed got stole today; heres the story. so i was at school just chillin at lunch. i live in new york btw so people are crazy here.

it’s the last week of school, so i’m jsut chillin with my weed in my pocket. im chowing down on this big juicy GLIZZY and my grimace shake. im thinking and saying all this ohio nonsense, not giving mind to the weed in my pocket. oh how i want to eat a fat blunt rn! BUT ICANT!!! BECAUSE MY WEED GOT STOLEN!

anywho, as im chowing down on this big GLIZZY. this huge buff freshman comes up to me and asks for my weed. first of all! that’s my weed. i sigh and turn toward him. i tell him that i don’t have any weed on me. hes like hmp well and then he starts beating me up

[claudepie]

heres a challenge for you homestuck fans.

watch every movie that has been spotted on a poster in homestuck.

THE ULTIMATE HOMESTUCK MOVIE CHALLENGE!!

FROM JAKES ROOM

the mummy

the mummy returns

the mummy tomb of the dragon emperor

stargate

the incredible hulk

the terminator

the smurfs

raiders of the lost ark

indiana jones and the kingom of the crystal skull

avatar

x men

national treasure

lara croft tomb raider

lara croft tomb raider the cradle of life

little monsters

weekend at bernies

weekend at bernies ii

ghost rider

the fifth element

a knights tale

terminator salvation

star wars episode ii attack of the clones

the wicker man

black night

a knight in camelot

a kid in king arthurs court

army of darkness

FROM JOHNS ROOM

ghostbusters ii

mac and me

deep impact

armageddon

ghost dad

contact

a time to kill

failure to launch

face/off

con air

FROM KARKATS RESPITEBLOCK

serendipity

50 first dates

hitch

FROM VRISKAS SHRINE IN THE VEIL

bangkok dangerous

city of angels

the weather man

windtalkers

FROM JANES ROOM AND ARADIAS RESPITEBLOCK

watchmen

indiana jones and the temple of doom

good luck!

(little monsters appears in jakes, johns and janes rooms. just watch once) (con air and face/off appear in johns room and vriskas shrine in the veil. just watch once)

[edit: removed starsky & hutch as its a tv show and not a movie. woops!]

[claudepie]

thanks for the condolences

[claudepie]

i’m sorry about your weed.

my weed got stole today; heres the story. so i was at school just chillin at lunch. i live in new york btw so people are crazy here.

it’s the last week of school, so i’m jsut chillin with my weed in my pocket. im chowing down on this big juicy GLIZZY and my grimace shake. im thinking and saying all this ohio nonsense, not giving mind to the weed in my pocket. oh how i want to eat a fat blunt rn! BUT ICANT!!! BECAUSE MY WEED GOT STOLEN!

anywho, as im chowing down on this big GLIZZY. this huge buff freshman comes up to me and asks for my weed. first of all! that’s my weed. i sigh and turn toward him. i tell him that i don’t have any weed on me. hes like hmp well and then he starts beating me up

[claudepie]

my weed got stole today; heres the story. so i was at school just chillin at lunch. i live in new york btw so people are crazy here.

it’s the last week of school, so i’m jsut chillin with my weed in my pocket. im chowing down on this big juicy GLIZZY and my grimace shake. im thinking and saying all this ohio nonsense, not giving mind to the weed in my pocket. oh how i want to eat a fat blunt rn! BUT ICANT!!! BECAUSE MY WEED GOT STOLEN!

anywho, as im chowing down on this big GLIZZY. this huge buff freshman comes up to me and asks for my weed. first of all! that’s my weed. i sigh and turn toward him. i tell him that i don’t have any weed on me. hes like hmp well and then he starts beating me up

[claudepie]

let me share with tumblr nation. behold. a true event that happened to me this week.

so, i was minding my own beeswax, playing with my cookie(cookie clicker), feelin sexy and chipper. then came a knock at my door.

me: who is it?

i think to myself: who could it possibly be this time. ugh! (there are always solicitors)

i think about my temu package: um maybe it’s that! i scamper towards my door with glee and delight….

then comes to mind… reddit nation yea we are together we can go very far…take down tiktok take down instagram…take down everything we don’t give a damn. nevermind. back to the story.

so anywho, i practically gallop to my front door, excited for what prizes await me. i approach the door, unlocking it and grabbing the knob(oh, lala). i swing open said door and i see…

nothing? no temu package! um… what.

i then frantically look around the general vicinity of my door. um…still no package! what a bummer!

i turn away from the door, making sure to close and lock it before i begin to walk away, just in case my solicitor was a homeless man who wanted to perform a pitch-perfect korean-style dance inside of my home. i walk to my room, my enthusiasm and excitement stripped away from me. i sit my ass down on my chair, examining the number of cookies i have now. 20 trillion?! nice! whoeeah?

i mean, what else can you expect when your bakery is named big chungus big big bi money?

anywho, i spend a few minutes chilling at my computer before i hear a second knock at my door.

me: ugh! really? who could it be this time!?! this pleb better turn himself in before i call the police!

reluctantly, i hop off my chair and make a run downstairs, hopefully catching this dweeb in the act. nobody messes with claude-pie!

as my hand makes its way to the doorknob, a beautiful smile crosses my face.

me: haha, open na noor.

is what i said out loud to myself. i think to myself about how epic and sus my remark was, but there is no time to dwell. i must fulfill my duty. as i continue to open the door, and i…um…WHAT! there is nothing at the door!

i let out a disgruntled sigh and stomp my foot. i slam the door shut and make my way back upstairs. a familar thought comes to mind.

i chuckle at it, not giving it too much mind, i mean, how often do you “open na noor” and there’s a big lump of knobs? that also has the juice?!

i sit back down at my chair, resuming my game. it is a nice couple of minutes, but then after when i hear yet another knock; it is not nice anymore. this time, i decide to not answer the door. this fucker will surely stop after a while, right? RIGHT????????

um…well major plot twist!! doesn’t happen!! just keeps knocking like a champ! i consider marching my way downstairs and giving this sucker a piece of my mind, but i figured that i could just block out the noise with some music. i put my earbuds in my ears and turned on my favorite song: ice safety by extraordinary rapper lilgomezz. as i was jamming out, you wouldn’t guess what i hear.

nononononononoNO!!!!!!!! it’s not knocking. i already drowned that out. it’s my FUCKING DOORBELL!!!!!!!! UM! who uses those anyway!

i turn up my niche, underground music and sigh, louder than ever. i manage to hold myself back from checking the door. many hours pass where i hear not a peep, but that is because of these sick ass beats being pumped into my ears(like your english teacher on a friday night?). yuh huh!!

soon: day becomes night, and the sun sets. and i think to myself: that pleb shouldn’t be at the door now!

so i decide to go have dinner. i make my way downstairs again, more careful this time. maybe this guy is sleeping on my porch? maybe he’s waiting for any semblance of noise. maybe that’s his cue to start assaulting my poor front door.

i manage to receive my dinner, and my stomach grumbles at the thought of it as of writing. damn you!

for the ones who were curious: my meal consists of corn, a huuuuuuuuge glizzy, and a grimace shake! oh lala!! i absolutely devour said meal, licking my fingers afterwards. the flavors are melting on my tongue!

suddenly, welcome to the black parade comes on. i unfortunately, was completely alone when this came on. and yes, there is still music blasting into my ears at this point. this is like simon says. no, this IS simon says. simon didn’t say simon says.

i couldn’t help but hold my breath at the G note at the beginning of the song, tearing up as the song went along. by the end, i was full on ugly sobbing on the floor, having forgotten about the fulfilling meal i had prior to this. suddenly, i hear a BANG, shocking me to my senses.

…what could be happening at my door at this hour?

i wipe the tears from my face and begin to stand.

me: sweet jegus, i swear if it’s that geek again! ill give that twink a piece of my mind!

i make a mad dash to the door, fumbling with the lock and the knob. i manage to wildly swing the damn thing open, and and and and AND AND AND AND!!!!!!!!

[claudepie]

just found out people write things beforehand to prepare for rap battles. why don’t we just start calling them writing contests then.

[claudepie]

[claudepie]

Hello Tumblr