cnthelpbut1der

[cnthelpbut1der]

this url….does this mean youre an epic the musical fan too.

stares at you with my big hazel eyes. I know not what you mean, I've never been into epic the musical /gen

it's a Snow Tha Product reference, she is my mother's fav rapper, and I haven't seen my mama for 3 years 💔💔

[cnthelpbut1der]

Underage

it's rough being 16

when you never made it past 14

your mama left you

and you're no longer a child

you were always meant to be older than what you are

be 16 when you were 13

13 when you were 9

9 when you were 2

but now

now you're 16 and 13 and 9 and 2.

and it's all crashing down because "acting your age"

is only met with the rage from not being able to act your age

when you were 9

when they set the stage

for a 17 year old

and up walked an actor

only 12 years of age

underage

and he's underpaid

under pain

under pressure

to be someone he's not

he will never fill the shoes

every time he gets closer

the end gets farther

what happens when i can't live up to the age you want me to ?

[cnthelpbut1der]

Vase

i hate that i miss you

i hate your new name,

your desperate change of face

for a change of pace

the way you place all this space,

then divide it in half

to double the case

extend your chase after me

you'd follow me to the ends of the earth and push me off the edge,

laugh as I float through space

you'll host my wake

with a false smile on your face

use my death to attempt to erase the damage you've caused me in life

you'll keep my remains in a vase

and refuse to scatter them at my birthplace

I don't want to be cremated when i die

but you never gave a fuck about what I want

and at the end,

you keep my ashes on your mantle

below your rusted clock-face

because you can't bear the space

that my death YOU CAUSED created

you don't want to admit you were the disgrace between us

from my vase grows queen anne's lace;

the beauty of my efforts to suffer through you.

of course, you get my flowers

and i get null space

but i get called a nutcase for complaining about your theft

for complaining about being pushed out

and replaced

you only want to keep me around to ease your own pain

you'd carry me around town in a briefcase

as you lie to my friends with a bold face

about the last argument that took place

between us

I'm still alive

but you're dead to me

you're the one that killed me

though i still watch you from the stars above,

hoping you will heal,

I'm hating that l'm checking on you

and that I miss you

I HATE YOU !!

I hope you drop the vase one of these days.

[cnthelpbut1der]

Workhorse

i wish i was a bitch.

i wish i was a mean loud angry cunt

with words of venom and a lick of flame

i wish i was a whore

i wish i was able to keep score

of every heart i've broken and demanded more

i wish i was a terrible person

so maybe

maybe that way i'd have a good reason

to believe everyone hates me

that way everyone WOULD hate me

and have valid reasons

because i don't believe anyone should love me

i mean

i feel like i have to work so hard to keep anyone around

but hardly anyone works to keep me around at all.

i mean

i apologize for talking about myself

i bite my tongue when i cry

i apologize for taking what is offered to me for free

and beg to pay.

i mean

"i i i i"

i NEVER STOP

IT NEVER ENDS

IM JUST AS BAD AS THOSE I HATED

those i fated

to endless pain because of what they did to me

that i now do to others

im emotionally dependent on a man i've never met

i cry over the smallest things

i talk about myself too much

maybe i hated them because they reminded me of me

and now i work

i work myself to my brittle weak bones

trying not to crush under the weight of my own flaws,

as i work and work to hide them away

so everyone will stay

but i stay for those who break my bones

and beat me till i'm numb

i stay for those who would leave me if i wasn't a workhorse

for those who tossed me aside when i couldn't offer anything else.

if i am not stressed,

then i am stressed.

if i am not stressed from working to keep you here

then i am stressed that you will abandon me

your lame workhorse

and put me down in the back of the barn

shoot me square between the eyes

and leave me there to die.

truth is, you'd be justified.

[cnthelpbut1der]

Cigarettes

i like the smell of unfiltered cigarettes.

i can imagine any man i love smoking them.

i have an internalized hate for clean pristine men.

my father never smoked, he chewed tobacco

he hated the habit

cursed it, swore it off

and hasn't even drank a beer since i was 12.

i know the smell of weed.

i can imagine anyone who has to deal with me smoking it.

hiding in a garage to avoid me

to hide the dopamine drug.

my father smokes in the garage

a bag of green in a toolbox

he hates when he yells at me

curses, swears me off

and i haven't known happiness since i was 12.

[cnthelpbut1der]

hurt me

( tw - violence )

i want you to hurt me.

rip my flesh away with your bare hands

or with burning hot tools.

break my bones,

use my skull as a chalice for your malice.

punch me in the face

and make my nose crooked and my eyes blue.

lick my blood off your hands while i cry

and i want you to to laugh at me as you do it.

i want to see the glimmer in your eye as my blood drips down your chin

as your tongue glazes over your teeth.

i want to see the rage cross your face across the bridge of your nose

i want to

set the stage for you to

take out all your anger onto me

i want to

take the blame for everything you've hated

i want to

be the one battered and bruised after you

hit the 8th stage of grief

and move on to cloud nine

i want to

be the one you leave hung up to dry

i want to

know your rage, know its range

i want it to bleed us dry and leave us estranged

i want to

beg on my knees for you to come back to me

tell you i don't know why you left me

i never did anything wrong

but i want to

be the compartment where you store your hate

i'll know no fate

other than what you've given me.

i want you to hurt me.

i want you to lean in to kiss me

then rip my lips off with your teeth

i want you to pin me down and choke me

rip my throat out while i scream.

i want you to lean in and hug me

then plunge a knife into my spleen.

i want you to whisper that you love me

then scream that you hate me until my ears bleed.

i want you to kill me in the woods

and leave my body where no one will ever find me.

i want you to curl your hands into fists

and beat me until i can't breathe.

but you would kiss your knuckles first

then wipe the tears away

you wouldn't hurt me

oh my god i hate you for loving me.

[cnthelpbut1der]

rabbit

i can't stand rabbits.

big round eyes

sensitive creatures

they cower beneath me

it's entertaining.

i'm snarling and snapping

bloodshot blood red eyes

i snap at the hand that feeds me

yours.

and yet you still manage to cup my face in your hands

your bloody hands

gashes torn by my teeth

i cry at the sight of you

sight of your wounds

i shove and i shove you away

but you hold fast

you don't cower beneath me

i thrash

i lean into you

i'm a rabbit.

[cnthelpbut1der]

Enough

it will never be enough.

they could give me the moon

and each star

name galaxies after me

could offer me the sun

and towers of gold

give me the world

but that will still never be enough

I need you in my presence

in my arms

need to cup your face in my hands

they don't understand

that I want nothing in this world

but to hold you

to see your face when you laugh

to see the light of your smile

and the end of my world

to hear you stumble over the words you wish to — — speak

I wanna hold you when you cry

and try

to cheer you back up

I want to plant a kiss on your forehead

between your eyes

and watch you bloom

I just want to see you in your morning glory

and nightshade

I want to see it all

I want nothing more than to simply shop with you

for frivolous things like eggs and butter

I want nothing more than to drive aimlessly with you

I want to see where we wind up

I want to give you things like funny rocks

and self esteem

and pinecones

I want to knock your things over

and intrude in all your dreams

I just want to look at you, really

like you're a piece of art in a gallery,

gallery that is the world

I fear you will forever be a part of me

a part I will cherish

a part I will hold dear

a part I can't live without

can you live without

me ?

my only dream is to see you one day

and I fear that once I have that come true

I will have nothing more to look forward to

I'm not worth much

I don't want much

I don't want anything at all but for you to be happy

I know my leaving suddenly

will not make you feel so

but what am I to this world truly ?

what am I to you truly ?

you will one day be over me

and I will watch over you

I will still intrude in your dreams

you'll think of me when you knock things over

and see pinecones on your walks

when you see rocks on the sidewalk

when you talk

and hear things I say roll off your tongue

and drop

to the pit of your stomach

I know I'll still be there.

in each star

in the moon

in the galaxies you see

you'll think of me

in the sun

maybe

in gold

surely

I'm sorry

I'm leaving early

its been over for me since the first breath I breathed.