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No Improvement

Throughout this year, I have lost motivation, gained an eating disorder and just overall changed physically but not mentally. It’s difficult to keep moving forward and I do not want to allow myself to fall into the “abyss” of depression, as it’s cost me so many opportunities in the past. I need to take control of my own life, yet I do not know where to start. 

Academic Life - English class has been a routinely difficult subject for me as a perfectionist. I find it hard to not perfect everything from the beginning and asking for help in this process is not something I am comfortable with. I blame my stubbornness. I cannot move in this negative path again. 

Physical Aspects - I have lost a significant amount of weight, AL. However, it has taken me a very long time to realize that this change occurred. I am finding excuses as to why I do not deserve compliments or I negate what others see in me. I have developed an eating disorder due to stress/anxiety and aha I honestly become dependent on this habit now to help me. I will never be happy or satisfied with myself as I am continuing to find more things to worry/hate about myself (I have made it into a game, unfortunately).  It’s disgusting behavior. 

Mental Aspects - I do not remember a time where I genuinely liked myself. Constantly looking for new things to dislike/”improve”, I’m tired of trying in every other aspect in my life and I feel like my life has stopped and isn’t going anywhere. I have always hated being bothersome or not worthy of people’s attention and a comment in the past has given me a lot of insecurities about my personality and I do not want people to see me in this way or spread rumors about my “weirdness” (this will be skewed in the community in which I reside). My depression has also allowed me to take this mental illness as my personality and my motivation has been stripped away from me. Where do I find it again??

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I’m crazy nervous

January 21st, 2019

I am heading back up to university today and I am pretty scared. Scared of failing again, scared I will run into people I do not want to see, scared of being away from my comfort zone (home--this is tough to say as I can feel quite trapped here, but I can also avoid people). It will be okay though (hopefully). I am kind of waiting for my anxiety to take over my body and force me to regain my bulimic tendencies, as I have become more self-conscious of my body lately. 

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good days are temporary

January 17th, 2019

Surprisingly, I have had a streak of good days where my anxiety did not riddle my life and it began as I have read an article which really allowed me to look at how I handle my life in a different perspective. Hopefully, I will delve a little deeper into that later on, analyzing the text in which I related to. 

Today’s update: 

Anxiety emerged again. I spoke with a friend I refrained from speaking with and I “invited” them into my life again, by..haha inviting them over “anytime” and sharing that article I was speaking about. I thought it would be good, but I am genuinely starting to freak out. I’m afraid of them asking questions, which are ones I cannot always have the answer to. I realize I want to have control over my life and I want to continually have that privacy (THIS IS SOMETHING I NEED HELP WITH). I have a tendency to take back what I have said because I do not completely think it through and this is an act that I have done with them specifically. I don’t know what to do or how to break it to them. 

I am thinking that I want to share this blog post, maybe they will understand. Who knows? 

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I am tired.

January 8th, 2019 

8 days into the new year and I still do not feel very hopeful. I have wanted to write earlier in the week as I was telling myself that I should speak my mind on this blog with every bad day that comes along. I cannot keep letting my bad feelings keep me away from everything and everyone. Here are my thoughts from the last few days:

    - As pathetic as it is, I cried during work the other day due to reading an ambiguous email that could make or break my college education. A full ride scholarship could be taken away from me as I continually perform below par during school. I blame the depression, as I believe I am truly capable of doing well academically. This is truly killing me as I have not gotten an answer back yet. It is quite unbelievable how I am constantly feeling like a failure, which is probably true as my work ethic has been affected by this debilitating “disease”. 

    - I am try to comprehend my ability to continuously work in customer service while being an overly anxious and awkward person. I have come to find that there is a certain point in the day where I stop functioning as my normal self and in a sense, I shut down mentally. I become tired of speaking to people (which is basically my whole job). Haha, maybe it is my introvertion peeking through as there is only a limited amount of hours where I can be social. 

    - I truly do miss my old department at the museum. Sure, everyone is amicable where I work now, however, people can be catty. I understand that others can be frustrating and people need to share those frustrations, but there is always a time and place for that. Not during work, not super loudly, and not in front of the public. I hate that I must endure and hear all of the backtalk as I believe it negatively affects me. The environment aka “vibe” is altered and haha, I can sense it. 

    - I feel lonelier than ever and I wish to speak with others. Yet, I automatically become tired once I begin speaking. As they continue on about their lives, I do enjoy listening about their joys and good days. Yet, I must mask my feelings and have to trudge on day to day, saying that I am okay when wallah, I am always in a state of struggle and cannot speak to anyone about it. 

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New Year, I’A New Me

January 3rd, 2019

Crazy, this is my 3rd post and it’s been a whole year since I started this blog. I have become even worse I believe. I’ve reached a new low point as I have stopped speaking with friends and suggestively tried to have them leave my life.  I have uncovered the reason why I choose not to speak with people or peers without a psychology degree: 

    - Most conversations begins with a “Hi, how are you?”, when the question is reciprocated, I lie. I have trained myself to do so, so I am not a bother to anyone who asks “what’s wrong?” if I tell them the truth.  

    - I am okay with others speaking about themselves or their issues that surround them as it has become an escape for me and my own things that need to be dealt with. I do not enjoy speaking about myself as I find that most people will not comprehend what I am going through or they will end up giving me advice that I’ve already heard, given myself, or is invalid. 

    - So the question is, how do I help myself? My answer is to befriend my therapist...

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Discovery and Possible Change

August 16th, 2018

This summer, my goal was to disappear. I believed I disliked socializing and that speaking with people was not worth the effort put into it. I even blamed it on my natural introversion. However, I have found out something new about these actions. I am critical of myself and how others think of me. I want to control these thoughts/opinions and it’s quite impossible, thus I allowed myself to crawl into a lonely space. 

I have been struggling to find a way to stop overthinking and being so critical of myself. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

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Long Time No Speak?

June 24th, 2018 (Trigger Warning)

This is possibly a good idea that I have created for myself, however, due to my lack of commitment and a dislike of writing, I have failed to continue this blog effectively. I apologize. 

I would like to briefly speak upon my little journey over the past 7 months: 

    - I was officially diagnosed with Major Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. This was much expected as I have dealt with its effects for the majority of my adolescence. 

     - I have thought that I was doing better as time moved forward, with the help with medication (I miss the motivation that it gave me). 

     - Finding a new distraction (this being 🍃), along with cutting myself off from many people did not allow me to grow in a positive direction. For the last 5  months, I continually used this drug as an outlet from my reality and I thoroughly enjoyed it as well. 

     - A week before my birthday, I tried to kill myself. Surprisingly, I was telling a friend as it was occurring and the authorities were called. Hospitalized and strictly watched, I must say, it was an interesting occurrence. 

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Public Service Announcement

December 18th, 2017 

For a long while now, I have realized that I must secure a grasp on my life. Due to my personality, I have the inability to share my story, so I have decided to share it to myself, in a way. To clarify, this is for myself, as I explore myself and examine where I and others have gone “wrong”, leading me to the continuously dynamic individual I am today. If you would like to take in my adventure, please feel free. 

Thank you. 😊