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The Importance of Friendship

Awesome episode of the The Pulse (9/11/20) on Why We Need Friends: https://www.npr.org/podcasts/381443461/the-pulse

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The thing that I have learned is that vulnerability is at the center of fear and shame, but it is also at the center of joy and gratitude and love and belonging.

Brené Brown

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Life Lessons, by Jordan Gross

Excellent story! It is fictional, but still conveys powerful wisdom about life:

 https://medium.com/mind-cafe/5-life-lessons-told-over-5-glasses-of-wine-from-a-99-year-old-filled-with-regret-e05c9fb48a66

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Amazing segment from NPR on friendship!

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Finding Happiness

I love this episode of Hidden Brain! So much to learn about happiness:  https://www.npr.org/2020/07/31/897673162/you-2-0-our-pursuit-of-happiness

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/podcast/ashley-stahl/you-turn-podcast-w-ashley-stahl

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Here is a touching quote from Pete Hamill, who died yesterday at the age of 85.

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A Theory of Relationships

I have this theory that relationships are like houses. The relationship between two people is an single house that the couple can work on, renovate together, and share memories that last a lifetime. The other houses nearby are the family and friends who are connected as a result of that relationship, forming a neighborhood.

Now sometimes you may find yourself in house that has too many problems and you just need to get out of that and find a new house. But truth be told, no house is ever going to be perfect, so what matters most is if the people in the relationship want to work on the house together or not. Sure, it can seem easier to just buy a new house (invest in a new relationship and leave the old one), but that means you lose all the things you love about the old house. Maybe the old house has a kitchen that needs work, and so you see a new house with a bigger kitchen and want that. But then you move and realize the location is not as a good as the old house and there isn’t a back yard, so now the new house is no longer as appealing as it was when you first bought it. To extend the metaphor, some self-reflection may make you realize that it is more fulfilling to expand the kitchen in the old house, because then you get to keep the location and yard, and by staying and working on the old house, now you have one that works even better for you than simply moving to a new one. Furthermore, reinvesting in that old house lets you keep your memories in that house and your neighborhood. 

Now if you really can’t do without that two-car garage and pool, then sure, buy the new house. Take out a new loan, go into debt, do what you think you need to do to be happy. Maybe that is just what you needed to do all along. Or maybe you outgrew the old house and it is time to move on. But if you are buying the new house just because you can, or you are bored with the old house, then I think it is important to reflect on why that is. All this being said, I think there are two types of people overall in how they approach relationships: the kind who want to work on the house they have; and the kind that want to buy a new house whenever they feel like the old house isn’t working for them for whatever reason in that moment. 

The people who want to work on the house enjoy the process of making the house they have been in something unique and special for them that they work on over time. They find it fulfilling in the long-term to have this custom house that is special to them and no one else, and they take pride in that. The people who decide that when a house isn’t working for them do not do this, they simply move to a new house. “This new house has more bedrooms,” they say, and I am moving because, “I need more space.” And maybe that works for them. Or maybe they fill the house with more stuff and a few years later decide they need another new house with a basement for storage and a bigger garage. They always want something new, move to a new house, and a few years later get bored and decide that that house wasn’t good enough anyway. Could they stay in the old house and spend a little money and time to add a new room or clear out some stuff? Sure. But they just don’t see it that way. So they move and lose their neighborhood and maybe spend more money on a mortgage and commuting and years pass before they realize they still aren’t happy and so they move again. (To be fair, there are going to be people who do a range of working on the house and moving on, as well as there are going to be some people who simply don’t know how to even begin to work on the house. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, they just have a different approach to life and relationships, and as long as it is working for them, then that’s okay.)

So some people will like the cottage at first, but at some point want to move to a mansion instead of working on the old house to turn it into a mansion. And the people who are the ones who stay and work on the house are the ones you want to have in your life in the long-term. Those are the people who are willing to invest in a relationship and see the value in that investment. They will want to tile the bathroom together, hang pictures on the walls, and call the insurance company when it floods. They will watch Youtube video tutorials on plumbing and are willing to call a professional for help when they feel like they can’t figure it out because they really want to fix the house. They know that the relationship is built with two people, and they will want you to be there with them and they will want to work on the house together. They know it is easier and more fun with a partner who also likes to work on the house. Even when it is the less enjoyable tasks, they will stay and work on it because they want to keep the house and the special and happy times in the house. And they won’t give up and sell the house unless they truly have tried all reasonable things and it just isn’t working. 

If you want someone to be a life-partner to you, if you do nothing else, find the ones who will stay and work on that house with you and turn it into a mansion. They want to build wealth with you and they know that the return on the investment is much more in the long-term than it would be if you bought a new house every few years. They will stay through the good times and the bad. These are the people who will add tremendous value to your life. They are like gold. Hold on to them.

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This is such a good youtube video!