cottont33th

[cottont33th]

Nebula

Who would have known

You can hold stars

So comfortably in your hands

Laying sprawled in the dark under the street lamps

Soaking in the heat from the corroding pipes underneath the concrete

My star holds my hand

And I love him so much it aches

His light is so big

And I hold some of it in my chest

And I give him some of mine in return

And the tears on my face

Are hotter than the concrete

As I squeeze his hand

And kiss his quivering mouth

And back away from the car

I will see you soon my darling.

[cottont33th]

[cottont33th]

2/6/25

Fox Boy

As we drift off to sleep

The scariest

Most wonderful phrase

At the edge of my tongue

Look at you

You’re shining so bright

I want to always make you glow like this

Drifting off and thinking of your arms around me

The soft brush of your hair

Your teeth on my collarbone

I’ll replay that moment over and over

How softly you looked at me

Forehead to mine

Smiling the sweetest upturned smile

Your eyes had gone storm grey

in the light of the snow outside my dorm window

How could this be me

How could I have got here?

You’re so perfect it’s like I made you up

And you hold me so tightly

And I love the pressure

Of your hands on me

I want to kiss you

Until neither of us can breath

Hold you until our skin burns from contact

Inhale you until we share the same set of lungs

Kiss your cheek in the morning

And walk into the sunlit kitchen

You’ll stand behind me

arms around my waist

And I’ll hum while I bake for us

The warm smell of tea, flower, and hot berries and butter

I want to do everything with you

Go on every hike

Watch every movie

Kiss you on every beach

Tell you that word

The scary one

Every day

Remind you it’s true

Forever until we’re dust

But we’re young

Sunshine, we’re so young

We can do anything

Be anything

So for now let’s be foxes

And we’ll chase each other

through the fresh snow of February

And I’ll know that someday soon

The time will come

And I know I’ll never hold my tongue again.

[cottont33th]

3/1/25

Anniversary

I love how much easier breathing has become

It’s the second day of spring in the evergreens

And the woods are kindly lit and

The breeze is friendly on my face

I turned one today

This is only the beginning of my new life

And I can already tell

It is going to be a really good one

[cottont33th]

1/24/25

Patience

I adore this domesticity

I made you tea this morning

And microwave soup for dinner

And we’ve spent hours curled up together

Playing your favorite game

And tonight I wanted nothing more

Than to turn my head and kiss you

But I held my ground because it’s not time

Not yet

But every day I feel that much closer to you

I pray you feel at the same level

Because my gods

You’re on my mind in every waking thought

I’m missing your touch when you’re simply just in class

Or have gone to bed for the night

Beautiful boy

You are shining

I like seeing you curled next to me

My skin next to yours

I want to be your family

It’s so hard reminding myself I’m not allowed to say that yet

It would be so easy to plant kisses on the top of your head

Your face turned into my neck

Hand clasped on my waist

I can hear your heart pound when I lean into you like that

I hope you can hear mine

I like it when we have things in common

[cottont33th]

1/8/25

More than Clay

I think my favorite place ever

Could always be here

In the impossibility to pick

A favorite day

Because every one is just as good

Curled up into you

And your head is on my shoulder

And your hair is soft

And I’ve never known what it’s like

To feel like equals

There’s no gap to prove

No impossible hollowness of wishing I could be as whole

Because you made yourself

And so did I

And I can’t possibly think of myself less

When you are light

And we made ourselves

And watching you throw your head back

Singing songs I’ve never heard before

Tonight is my favorite

Along with every day I’ve known you

[cottont33th]

2/7/25

Wild Things

We’ll make paw prints

In the soft dark earth

Of the woods we’ll call home

White linens and silk

Sheer so the sun shines through

Glowing

Freckles and teeth marks

Dance with me around the fire

Let me paint you in the early morning

With all the colors that are you

Glow golden

As we lay on the still warm rocks by the water and watch the sun dip behind the tree line

Sink into the soil with me

And we’ll sleep like kings

Wrapped in moss and earth

And it will be so warm

And as you drift off

I’ll sing to you

So softly as not to wake you

You’re so gently beautiful when you sleep

And in the morning rise with me

We’ll cook with the things we’ve grown out here

Pastries and soups

Jams and fresh bread

And as the sun rises

Kiss me so that my heart may glow

Just as bright as you

[cottont33th]

2/15/25

Outskirts

Through fields of small fat bodies

Flatlands far to the edge of steep hills

As a kid I used to imagine

Flying from the top of one to the next

Over the sheep

Over the cows

Over the impossibly flat ground

Or slide down these slopes

On large smooth cardboard

Hike across this land and listen to the hawks

Ankle deep in the bright green marshland

The roar of the road replaced by smooth breeze and silence

Instead I’ve grown up

Still imagining flying from hill to hill

In the flatlands before cities

Windows rolled down

and cold wind tugging on my hand

To get the closest thing to flying

Music blaring and miles above

The world only got subtly more endless

And all the more at my fingertips

[cottont33th]

1/8/25

More than Clay

I think my favorite place ever

Could always be here

In the impossibility to pick

A favorite day

Because every one is just as good

Curled up into you

And your head is on my shoulder

And your hair is soft

And I’ve never known what it’s like

To feel like equals

There’s no gap to prove

No impossible hollowness of wishing I could be as whole

Because you made yourself

And so did I

And I can’t possibly think of myself less

When you are light

And we made ourselves

And watching you throw your head back

Singing songs I’ve never heard before

Tonight is my favorite

Along with every day I’ve known you

[cottont33th]

12/7/24

Sea-Struck

Oh how beautiful the mild sunlight

The kind the peaked through the clouds yesterday

I could feel the warmth of it

On my already heated cheeks

And how refreshing the lightness of the rain

Walking home and holding my tongue

My mind has been transformed

I never imagined I’d feel this pure joy

Even for a second without regret

And curled up giggling

Knees pressing

And shoulders brushing is only the beginning

Isn’t it?

Spinning myself silly

In the middle of a storm lit field

My nerves are electric

And this time I could get used to

The foxbark building in my throat

And the urge to run circles

Circles I know you’d run with me

If I asked you to splash through the ice cold sea with me

I know you would

And I can’t help but wonder

If this is what it’s like to see the future

Storm lit sunlight,

grinning and oh so lovely

[cottont33th]

[cottont33th]

RE Old Dogs

Burnt to a crisp and still

I’ve learned one hundred

Brand new tricks since this day

Last year

When I was hopeless

Helpless

And pleading my own mind to free itself

Since then I’ve grown into my own youth

I have so much time

So many more new years to come

This last one was a weird one

And this coming one will be a stranger one

Filled with people I love

Who love me equally

And know who I am

Because I’ve allowed myself to breath

Instead of counting the seconds in between

Who was I kidding

Thinking myself to be an old dog

When I haven’t even grown

Out of these awkward paws and floppy ears

I’m so tired

But tomorrow will be a new day

A new year

And not a new me.

Because I finally

Fully

Like who I’ve become

And next year

I think I’d like to get to know him

A little bit better

[cottont33th]

12/22/24

Golem

Made of snow and cedar 

Tracing trails of spiraling fur 

I’m watching the rising of bone 

As I inhale the air that feels like sunlight

And if this is what it feels like 

This multiplied by eons of stars

Just around the corner 

Than with full sincerity 

I’ll clasp my hands in prayer 

And thank the gods 

For allowing me to become what this is 

For giving me this muddy canvas

To turn it into something I can be proud of

For allowing me to learn to love the hard way 

So that I may be grateful and wonderful each time 

For crafting my brain differently from the others 

So that I may look at things in solely my own way 

And appreciate the art in everything this chaotic world has to offer

I’ve become artwork 

Hands stained with the rich clay I used to craft my own body 

And when I lay myself down to rest 

I’ll wrap my arms around myself 

Appreciating how it’s no longer painful 

To acknowledge the fact I have a body 

And loving myself 

becomes that much easier each time

[cottont33th]

11/20/24

Late Bloomer

A bumbling idiot

Oldest child with baby smoothed face

My tongue is swelling now for the first time

And I feel as if I should know what to do

As I begin to understand how everyone my age must have felt like before me

As I walked two paces behind the masses

To admire the simple things

A little while longer

I’ve never felt the need to speed things up

Do what everyone else does

I simply had better things to be doing.

And I saved myself the torment of further shattered views of someone I no longer speak to

And the hushed denial of what very well could have happened if I hadn’t told my best friend I was gay

And the horror of what type of men boys can grow up to be

I saved myself

So I shouldn’t feel like

I missed all these steps

everyone else seems to have taken.

Two paces behind

I’ll get there eventually.

I always did operate on my own time

So why would something like sex

Be any different?

[cottont33th]

11/13/24

Poems for my friends :3

Eclipse

With canyons etched across our faces

Flesh soft and spotted with ancient sun

I’ll clasp our knobby fingers with mine

And kiss you across the knuckles

My dearest love

Our houses became too empty after the deaths of loved ones

So we’ll move in together and everyone will know who we are

Because that’s always been the way of things

Me and you

Attached at the hip and soul

And as ancient widows, we’ll still dress up for Halloween

And we’ll still watch cartoons

And I’ll laugh as you shake your fist at the neighborhood children

And we’ll make a million beautiful things together

Dear friend

Our future is blinding

Come look at the sun with me.

Little Crow

Old crone

Lovely to the edge of a prickle

We’ll waddle down a dirt road one day

You’ll clutch a little leather handbag

and I’ll have a camper’s backpack full of nearly nothing.

We’ll do this every day because it’s a sacred ritual of complaining or complimenting the weather to us

I’ll bring my dog and we’ll come home to your cat

And I’ll drink tea and you won’t because we have grown but we are still the same people

And my soul will smile and I watch yours glow from across your little dining room table

Your house a museum

Bearing the beautiful of your mind as a visual

Strange taxidermy and oil paintings

Your velvet dress and my worn out jeans

I’ll braid your long dark hair

And I’ll tell you I love you each time

And you’ll clasp my weathered hand and smile

Because of course

You already knew that.

[cottont33th]

11/6/24

I feel guilty for enjoying the weather today.

The piercing cried and curved white backs of seagulls

And the taste of salt on the sun touched air

Sick to my stomach

I don’t know if I am capable of crying anymore.

I wish I could

Or that I had last night

Passed out in the eye of the storm

Surrounded by terrified people

I wish I could be honest with everyone

Tell those I love I love them

Without scaring them

Call my parents

Say I told you so

I knew this would fucking happen

Tell that one guy how much I enjoy his company

How much it kills me I am not allowed to.

Call my uncle and tell him to go fuck himself

Be honest with myself on how afraid I am for the future

My lungs are tight and hands shaking

There’s nothing to be done

Except wait

For the recount

The second round of doom doom doom

For what comes next

The next disaster and the next

The next four years

I wish I could say I can’t believe this has happened again

But I know better now.

~

It was so chilling walking through campus this morning. How quiet it all was. It’s not like people were hiding either. Well some of us were but there were people out in the sun, silently soaking in the minimal warmth of it all in their quiet grief. It seamed almost rude how beautiful the weather was today. How the frost on the field made the grass shine golden, how the sun shown through the feathery green branches of the cedar, how the upturned faces of these people in the sun reflected this deep rooted emotional defeat. I am sick to my stomach.

[cottont33th]

11/5/24

Windbreaker

It’s dooms day

I wrote that at the top of my classwork journal today

Despite that fact that even though tonight is supposedly the big night nothing is quite for certain

Anything could happen

I’ve been told

Things get worse before they get better

As a consultant to the doomed

What would doomed even look like?

I thought about that on the way to class this morning.

What happens when we are doomed?

If the streets ran red with blood tomorrow

Would I really be doomed?

The birds above me were so peacefully twittering

Unaware of our human stress that clogs our ability to see that peace will still exist after the storm.

The woods I live in will still be here tomorrow.

The things I will make will still be made

The air we breathe will still be flowing through the still cold winds

I will still be here.

And my poor dreading friends will be too.

And I sit here on this empty sports field

Away from the woods and far enough away from visible people because I am scared to be alone and too stressed to face a stranger

Consoling myself in the pages of a notebook

Knowing that the second I stand up and walk back home

I am submitting to that storm.

Tonight is going to be a long one.

And I wish I could say I’m ready for it.

But I am afraid it is too cold to stay here any longer.