crashedship-vents

[crashedship-vents]

been listening to the song "tim, wish you were born a girl" and reflecting on my own past crushes a lot

like maybe i would have told my first crush that i liked her if one of us had been a boy at the time, but i didn't

maybe things would have lined up better with the love my best friend and i have for each other. maybe i wouldn't have only found out about her previously liking me when i told her i liked her. maybe she wouldn't have felt as scared to say it--if i was a boy. maybe things would have lined up and we could have tried being together in that way?

things with her are always kind of confusing. that line and labels and everything are confusing. i love her more than i've ever loved anyone else, ever. but i don't feel attraction towards her. i want to be with her forever, but as friends. but i don't know if part of that is just me settling my own feelings and trying to force them down because she doesn't see me romantically and has said on multiple occasions that we're "like sisters" and we are. but then she's also called me her soulmate before and it gets confusing and i just want to be around her and ugh--

[crashedship-vents]

i need to talk to someone, don’t i?

this is why i shouldn’t stay up late. now i’m just listening to sad music and trying to avoid thinking about the things

[crashedship-vents]

i’ve been losing weight, i believe. like i’m pretty sure i’m thinner than i have been. i had to put a new notch in my belt this morning.

i know i shouldn’t care this much about my appearance but it makes me happy. to think that maybe someday my body at least if not my face can be some semblance of beautiful.

i should not put so much value into it all. i shouldn’t give it so much thought. this discomfort with my body makes me feel bad to eat in front of other people, it makes me feel bad to talk about food in conversation despite the fact that i love to bake.

but finally, after years of feeling stagnant and terrible about how i look, something is changing. for the better.

[crashedship-vents]

getting into the wee hours of the night where i truly believe that i’m completely unloveable and am only tolerated because i am often quiet and sometimes bake some good things

[crashedship-vents]

letting the dark thoughts in tonight that my coworkers who i really love hanging around only barely tolerate being around me because they have to for work and that i’m actually really annoying and a bother to be around

[crashedship-vents]

i smile when i’m uncomfortable

it’s just a reflex, it’s something i’ve done for so long that it’s hard not to do

some mask that i try desperately to tear off because i know it’s wrong, it’s the wrong thing to do but my body and mind can’t compute so i smile when i’m uncomfortable and i feel embarrassed for smiling because i shouldn’t be smiling right now

my face needs to stop, i need to make it stop, i should be able to do this by now

i should be able to be this normal person by now who has enough control over their face, who smiles at the right times and doesn’t smile when they shouldn’t be

but i smile when i’m uncomfortable, and sometimes that’s a good mask, and sometimes it’s awful

[crashedship-vents]

i’m always gonna be the one who shuts myself down in conversation so anyone else could speak, aren’t i?

there’s a reason i’m quiet

so long of people not listening to the little i have to say

and then whenever i need to speak, when i need people to listen, i raise my voice too much and wear myself out

[crashedship-vents]

beginning to consider the possibility that growing up overweight has screwed with my perception of my body in comparison to those around me and that that’s still affecting me

or i’m just still bigger and don’t want to think about it, that’s pretty likely, i haven’t worked that much for anything to change

fuck

[crashedship-vents]

i’ve just realized……..how am i going to cope without my nightly smut? how can i cope without my lover (ao3) in my bed and by my side?

[crashedship-vents]

she literally told me as a way of trying to convince me to join the fandom: oh we won’t care if you’ve read the books, you don’t need to have read the books to be in the fandom. we’re open to the non-readers.

and like, i never really did truly join the fandom, but it’s just like……my guy, seriously

[crashedship-vents]

at some point i’ve got to accept that i’m simply an idea generator, and that’s it

there’s nothing else to me

it’s all been scattered and left behind, left in the souls of others

and an idea generator can’t be loved, only used

[crashedship-vents]

i’ve got too much to do over the summer, both everything and nothing at all

but like a ton of personal project ideas and it’s honestly possibly too much because i think if i try to start everything then i will finish nothing

cause like here’s my current list of shit that i actively really want to do

finish although i am broken, my heart is unchanged still

finish is it all you desired?

figure out and work through my marauders doctor who au

write other fanfic ideas that i have

get prepared to move by going through what i own rn and purchasing/thrifting for my first place

tie dye and paint some shirts for myself and my friends

continue at my job for a few months

start a project of watching and analyzing every doctor who episode that includes the master (including episodes that i haven’t seen before)

visit my friends and family on vacation

draw out a tattoo idea

draw out some fan art

read The Tower of Nero

read the LOTR books

read some of the fanfics that people keep recommending to me

read more sapphic and trans fics

and there’s honestly probably more than that too

and i want to do all of these things but i fear i’m making a path to burn out, like at the moment i don’t read much at all and i’m looking to start changing that dramatically but i think that may actively make me have a worse reading experience

and then there’s like all the fics i’ve wanted to work on and finish and i want to do all of that so badly but it’s so much and barely anyone reads the fics that i put the most effort into because they’re longer (and i get that i have a short attention span too) but it feels so pointless to work on them at all when it’s that way, but i want to accomplish this so bad because i love these ideas but everyday it’s starting to feel more and more like it’s not worth it

every year the summer comes and every year i hate it, because i am alone and i do nothing while wanting to do everything

but i am alone and tired and nothing happens

it’s just hot and depressing

[crashedship-vents]

couldn’t honor mother’s day in a better way than being pissed as hell at my dad

she’d be so proud

[crashedship-vents]

just trying to calm myself down

(looking at tumblr because i’m too overwhelmed because i decided to post something to a different social media and i’m anxious to be perceived but i also just wanted to do the thing and whatever)

(also anxious because of real life shit, ignoring my laptop sitting on my lap with my essay open and instead i’m on my phone)

(this is too much of a vent post)

[crashedship-vents]

what if my fic stays unfinished because i’m to dead to finish it? hahahahahahahahaha

[crashedship-vents]

having a shit day

started with listening to sad music (which was my own decision, maybe i manifested all of the proceeding events with this)

then we talked about mental disorders in psych class, with the final disorder we talked about being bpd and really striking a chord with me and making me think about certain family members and just not being emotionally well for anything else happening today

afterwards in english we talk about our next essay and the quick turn around and all the shit we have to do and all the assignments i need to get done and so i’m now both stressed and depressed

get home, stress, eat, try to calm myself

walk to the bus, the bus schedule app is being all weird

it starts to rain

i wait a few minutes for the bus, then decide that it’s probably better off for me to just get an uber so i walk away and do that

i look back and the bus is there

at this point i yell, compose myself, get an uber

and now i’m gonna go to work with preschoolers and i’m gonna manifest a good day but we’ll see how that goes

[crashedship-vents]

just talked about bpd for a long time in my psych class and now i have to go to english and act like i’m not having a mental breakdown and am close to crying thinking about stuff to do with my sister and my friend👍